Learning to Relax

[ErieBear]

Hey all,

 

This doesn't have much to do with escorting, but more with gay/sexual issues. I'm not really out and don't have a lot of experience with guys/getting fucked/sucking, etc. I find that when I'm with a guy (escort or not), I have a hard time asking for what I want and relaxing while we do it.

 

I am working with a shrink to deal with some of these issues, but I've got an appointment tomorrow night with an escort.

 

Any suggestions? I'd greatly appreciate it.

 

Thanks!

[tom1980]

I've had the same problem many times. I hired my first escort in 2008. That first time was also my first time with another man, and I was extremely nervous. It wasn't a very satisfying experience. Over the last few years, I've become much more comfortable with myself, but I still find it hard to ask for what I want sometimes. It's much easier if you talk to the escort for 10-15 minutes at the beginning of the appointment and get to know him a bit. If you are nervous or shy, tell him that you find it hard to make requests and ask him to lead the session and make suggestions for activities. It can be a lot easier to say, "Yes, I'd like to try that" than to form the request yourself. Also, keep in mind that these guys have heard it all before, and most of them do not judge you for any request you might make. Hope this helps, and good luck tomorrow night!

[+ azdr0710]

you mentioned having a difficult time relaxing with your other guy a few days ago in LA, right?....

 

be honest with your hire Sunday eve....tell him the truth....take it slow, relax, chat about anything (but don't ramble on nervously)....you may want to just start with a vanilla massage, hugging, spooning, or similar....before the meet, see if you have a chance to tell him (by email if you want!) what you like....

 

don't take it seriously...have fun....joke about something....but move the meet along....Tom gives some great ideas in his post

 

by the way, I also have trouble relaxing and my counselor says it's 100% internalized homophobia.....has that topic come up with your shrink?....

[ErieBear]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. i'll be talking to him tomorrow before I see him.

 

There's multiple things that I'm talking to my counselor about, including self-hatred, screwed up body image, inability to relax (in all situations) and perfectionism. I am doing better in a lot of ways, but still struggle in these areas, a lot. I'm slowly but surely peeling away the onion and dealing with these issues, but it's not easy. But i'd like to do what i can to make my time with an escort tomorrow night a success.

[RexAll]

Thanks for the suggestions guys. i'll be talking to him tomorrow before I see him.

 

There's multiple things that I'm talking to my counselor about, including self-hatred, screwed up body image, inability to relax (in all situations) and perfectionism. I am doing better in a lot of ways, but still struggle in these areas, a lot. I'm slowly but surely peeling away the onion and dealing with these issues, but it's not easy. But i'd like to do what i can to make my time with an escort tomorrow night a success.

 

EB- just a question. Do you know what you would like on a sexual basis? Obviously if you aren't sure what you want, it will be hard to tell the escort. If you do know what you want , I may know what one of the problems is. It's not that uncommon a reaction. It's probably the same thing that happens to me when I am the doctor's office. I' ve thought ahead of time of what I want to ask him. But there he is, in his white coat, staring at me- and not uncommonly I get nervous under his gaze and forget 1/2 of what I want to ask him. What I found helps me out is writing down my questions ahead of time. I wonder if that would help- if you wrote down just a few suggestions ahead of time- discussion points to bring up with the escort as a beginning point.

 

Rex

[+ purplekow]

DO you have trouble asking the waitperson for your order? I would guess not. It seems to me you are probably not really comfortable with what you want. Remember that most escorts have probably heard and done what you are wanting or at the least, are sexually adventurous enough to try it. if it is unsafe or unhealthy, they WiLL tell you NO

Ask and ye shall receive. The meek may inherit the earth but they are having lousy sex in the meanwhile.

[justaguy]

Erie, be sure to tell the escort all of this in advance so that he'll know what to expect. A good escort will know how to take charge of the situation in order to help put you at ease. Another suggestion is that you start with a massage and work out from there. Don't try to get everything in all in one session. Go at your own pace, at your own comfort level and enjoy whatever your doing. Above all, don't judge yourself as inferior in any way. With a good escort and a little luck, you'll get where you want to be a lot faster than you might expect and have a lot of fun along the way.

[bigvalboy]

Erie, be sure to tell the escort all of this in advance so that he'll know what to expect. A good escort will know how to take charge of the situation in order to help put you at ease. Another suggestion is that you start with a massage and work out from there. Don't try to get everything in all in one session. Go at your own pace, at your own comfort level and enjoy whatever your doing. Above all, don't judge yourself as inferior in any way. With a good escort and a little luck, you'll get where you want to be a lot faster than you might expect and have a lot of fun along the way.

 

Jag is "Spot on" Well said.

[down_to_business]

It sounds like you are doing the best thing you can for yourself, working with a therapist. As to your question about your escort appointment, may I suggest the following.

 

Have realistic expectations. Don't build the experience up so much in your mind that there is no possible way for reality to live up to it.

Don't overthink or over analyze the appointment. Don't try to get in your escorts head.

Express yourself as best as you can. Open clear and honest communication will go far. If you like something say it and if you don't like something let your escort know that to (even in the moment).

Try to relax, maybe a small glass of wine will help-- maybe it won't. Don't get drunk!

Do things you are comfortable with. If that means talking, then talk some until you get comfortable. If that means kissing, then kiss, even if it means you don't go much farther than that.

 

Good Luck!

[jjkrkwood]

Even the most experienced Clients tend to be nervous in new situations with escorts they have not seen before. This is only natural. Its really no diff than meeting a strange guy at a bar and going home with him, except for the money factor. You are always nervous. I would recommend trying to find an escort you are comfortable with, relaxing and enjoying the time, being honest in your communications, and hiring that escort AGAIN for positive reinforcement. Once you get comfrtable in the situation with an escort you trust, you will be able to transfer that confidence to other escorts. Its a process. Noone is rushing you. Good luck.

[+ Charlie]

You have received a lot of good advice here. The first thing to remember is that it is NOT normal to be relaxed when you are doing something new and exciting. A certain amount of tension may even add to the pleasure, as long as it doesn't become frustrating and debilitating. To reduce the anxiety that accompanies any sexual activity with a stranger (can I trust him? will I find him hot or a dud? will he find me attractive enough? will he be contemptuous of what I really want? etc. etc.), the first thing is not to raise your expectations of success or your fear of failure to the level that no matter what happens, you will feel disappointed. Unless you truly luck out at the beginning (most of us don't), you probably will be somewhat disappointed with your encounters until you have more experience with hiring, which in itself will relax you somewhat; despite almost twenty years of extensive male-on-male sexual experience before I hired my first escort, my first couple of hirings were disastrous because of my nerves. That's why it's generally important to hire an escort who is experienced and well reviewed, if possible, because he will already understand your nervousness and, one hopes, will know how to deal with it sensitively.

 

Talking with the escort about what you want only works if you actually know what you want; it may be best to just give the escort a general outline of what turns you on, and let him improvise--he may even introduce you to something you will like but hadn't thought of--but don't be afraid to tell him if it isn't working. If you have something very specific and somewhat unusual in mind, however, don't expect him to figure it out on his own, and don't suddenly request some complicated fetish in the middle of the action: tell him before you meet that you want to be spanked with a hairbrush, you want him to wear boxer shorts, you are interested in w/s, you can only get off by being fisted, or whatever, because he needs to be prepared or to tell you he can't/won't do that. There is also the problem caused by wanting to do something that you have never done before, because you may realize when you are being fucked by a 10 inch cock that you don't enjoy it as much as you thought you would. You can tell him to stop, but he can't make his cock smaller, so have a back-up option.

 

Finally, there is an issue separate from the escort appointment, which is that you may know what you want, but feel uncomfortable about wanting it. The best escort can't fix that, and you shouldn't ask him to. For that, you need a therapist.

[seeker630]

EB- just a question. Do you know what you would like on a sexual basis? Obviously if you aren't sure what you want, it will be hard to tell the escort. If you do know what you want , I may know what one of the problems is. It's not that uncommon a reaction. It's probably the same thing that happens to me when I am the doctor's office. I' ve thought ahead of time of what I want to ask him. But there he is, in his white coat, staring at me- and not uncommonly I get nervous under his gaze and forget 1/2 of what I want to ask him. What I found helps me out is writing down my questions ahead of time. I wonder if that would help- if you wrote down just a few suggestions ahead of time- discussion points to bring up with the escort as a beginning point.

 

Rex

 

And why not send those suggestions to the escort via email ahead of time _ I think you said you find it easier to communicate via the keyboard. I too find it much easier to be explicit about what I want in the preliminary emails, and then it's easier to bring it up in the actual meeting, if necessary.

[Juan Vancouver]

Dear Erie,

 

There are two types of escorts:

 

One is the super-endowed, sexual prowess muscle God fantasy fuck, some are porn actors, some are straight but tolerate being touched by a man, some are gay and specialize in the full-on, three ring circus of sexual flair and creativity. They can be a lot of fun and it can be very exciting to meet them. I compare this type to a Lamborghini; beautiful, fast, exciting but if you don't know how to drive, they can be dangerous.

 

The other type (Which can also be endowed like a pony and muscled like a horse) is what I see as a coach/escort. They specialize in helping people become more comfortable and familiar with their own sexuality. They know themselves, their sexuality and their body and put all of that in your hands to help you practice fulfilling sexual interactions in a safe, relaxed and expert environment. These escorts will have a lot of experience with inexperienced people, they will have different degrees of expertise in aiding people overcome what they perceive as shortcomings, which is nothing but lack of practice, and they will be kind, fun, respectful and will help make you feel safe. The most important thing a really good therapy or coach escort will do, is that he will remind you constantly that you are the one who has the control -at all times.

 

Read your reviews and make sure that you choose to meet only with escorts who have these characteristics. Try to do that especially in your first experiences. Once you know how to drive, you can go for a wild ride.

 

Write a list of things you are interested in trying, and when you contact the escort tell him about the fact that it is difficult for you to be assertive about asking, and ask him to remind you and guide you towards those activities that you want to try.

 

Don't be ashamed to have the list at hand, in case you find yourself freezing in the middle of the session. Consult it -only if you need, and practice to ask.

 

BREATHE... now. Breathe while emailing him, while on the phone, Breathe when you open the door for him, throughout the whole session. Breathing helps you calm your mind and relax your body. If at any time you are at a loss, or not enjoying yourself or bored... breathe a couple times and try to ask yourself what would make you feel better.

 

Then act accordingly.

 

Lastly, I would like to invite you not to think that you are going to make a total success out of the next session; when you use the word success you are inviting the word failure to also linger around. This is not something that you can do right or wrong. There is no right way to become a correct gay man, this is just about having a good time. You can have a huge good time, you can have a little good time, but both are good times. Think that you are trying this, you are taking the bull by the horns and doing something... that in itself is an enormous accomplishment! You should be feeling proud of yourself, certain that things will get better and better.

 

You, my man, are on your way to a fulfilling, exciting, relaxing sexual life.

 

In no time, you, yourself, will be the Lamborghini!

[Diverdan]

Juan,

As usual, you have provided such excellent advise... just one more reason why you are the cream of the crop, and I for one have learned a lot from you... it is just not often enough, but hope to remedy that in 2012 !!

DD

[Juan Vancouver]

Thanks, DD.

 

I really appreciate your words and agree wholeheartedly that we are way overdue. I really hope we will re-connect this year but until that happens, I hope you are well, happy and having a lot of fun.

 

Big hug!

[Phil_musc]

Thanks, Erie, for posting this thread. You have received a lot of good advice from the guys here. I guess what really got me, though, was how my situation parallels yours in more ways than I would probably own up to. You and the posters have given me some things to consider for myself. I do come here to learn (in addition to some other usual things) and thanks to you all who have indirectly spoken to me and offered sensible advice. (And Juan, will you ever come to Philly?!)