Friday Funnies

[TruHart1]

Blowjob

A cute teenager is walking downtown and a guy whispers to him, "Blowjob, fifty dollars." He gives him a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another guy does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is, "Dad, what's a blowjob?" His dad replies, "Fifty dollars, just like downtown!"

 

 

TruHart1

Edited January 6, 2017 by TruHart1

[TruHart1]

New Years Eve

On New Year's Eve, Declan stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, he wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person, spouse or friend, who made their life worth living.

Well, it was actually kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death! :eek:

 

TruHart1

[TruHart1]

Bride-to-be

The night before her wedding, the bride-to-be talked with her mother. "Mom," she

said, "I want you to teach me how to make my new husband happy."

 

The mother took a deep breath and began, "When two people love, honor, and

respect each other, love can be a very beautiful thing..."

 

"I know how to fuck, mother," the bride-to-be interrupted. "I want you to teach

me how to make a great lasagna."

 

TruHart1

[TruHart1]

 

TruHart1

[TruHart1]

...and a groaner for the punsters!!!

 

TruHart1

[geminibear]

[+ quoththeraven]

The poor puppy!

[geminibear]

[rvwnsd]

[rvwnsd]

http://www.nicolesnickels.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/nerd.jpg

[+ azdr0710]

http://68.media.tumblr.com/9792b4b01666f1bd21c2fe7740992215/tumblr_mo6391v1rt1qdf81so1_1280.jpg

[AdamSmith]

Hold onto your eyeballs.

 

[rvwnsd]

http://www.markstivers.com/wordpress/comics/2003-01-19%20Personal%20trainer.gif

[rvwnsd]

http://cdn.shopify.com/s/files/1/0440/9049/files/6-3.2.jpg?745

[rvwnsd]

http://www.webdonuts.com/comics/2015-05-11-Personal-Trainer.jpg

[whipped guy]

Blowjob

A cute teenager is walking downtown and a guy whispers to him, "Blowjob, fifty dollars." He gives him a strange look and keeps walking. Soon another guy does the same thing. Confused, he keeps walking. The first thing out of his mouth when he returns home is, "Dad, what's a blowjob?" His dad replies, "Fifty dollars, just like downtown!"

 

 

TruHart1

 

A quickie...

 

Well the way I heard that basic joke it involved a catholic priest newly assigned to a parish. He decided to take a walk into town without his collar and was confronted by a woman who asked if he wanted a "quickie only 25 bucks" . Not knowing what it meant he ignored her. Then another woman asked him the same question. Then another!!!! Totally confused he thought to himself, "Hmmm... This must be woman stuff. I'll ask Mother Superior." He rings the convent doorbell and Mother superior comes to the front door. "Mother Superior, what's a quickie?" Her response, "25 bucks. Same price as in town!"

 

Yes, totally tasteless... and the $25 banana price point dates how long it has been since I heard that joke!!!

[AdamSmith]

So the novice young nun escapes the convent, goes into town, walks into the liquor store and nonchalantly asks for a fifth.

 

The counter clerk, somewhat taken aback, recovers himself and asks, "Uh...er...Sister, are you sure the Mother Superior will approve?"

 

The nun leans close and whispers confidentially, "Actually, it IS for the Mother Superior. For her constipation, you understand."

 

Clerk: "OH! Sorry! Say no more. Here you go."

 

Couple hours later, at closing time, he locks up the shop, starts to walk down the street -- and right around the corner spies the young Sister sitting on the sidewalk, propped up against a doorstep, clutching the empty bottle and completely blotto.

 

Shocked clerk: "SISTER! Look at you! And you said that was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

 

Very sloshed Sister: "But it is. When she sees me like this, she's gonna shit!"

 

[whipped guy]

Mother superior at the grocery: "I would like to buy 10 dozen bananas for the convent."

 

Salesman: "If you buy such a large quantity, it is more economical to buy 144 of them."

 

Mother superior: "Oh well, we could always EAT the other 24."

[whipped guy]

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says, "I've never come this way before."

 

The second nun replies, "Must be the cobble stones!"

[rvwnsd]

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/01/a-funny-nun-pics-0.jpg?quality=85&strip=info&w=500&h=311

[rvwnsd]

[whipped guy]

Nuns always travel in pairs. One night two sisters get lost and end up in a bad area of town. Two guys confront them and begin to rape them.

 

The first nun looks up to God and says, "Forgive them Father, for they know not what they're doing."

 

The second nun looks up and exclaims, "This one does!"

 

(Gotta cool it now, I'm unleashing all my pent up frustrations from 8 years of parochial school! )

[AdamSmith]

Two nuns cycling down a cobbled street. The first one says, "I've never come this way before."

 

The second nun replies, "Must be the cobble stones!"

LMAO

[+ quoththeraven]

Better late than never: a fun holiday dish: phallic banana-based salad with creamy white pineapple sauce. Yum!

source

[AdamSmith]

A True Story...

 

Staid, straightlaced Wallace Stevens once walked into a meeting of the Bollingen Poetry Prize committee, of which he was a member that year, and stunned his colleagues by guffawing out:

 

"You know why they're called nuns? Because they ain't ever had none, and they ain't ever going to get none!"