Friday Funnies

[Bosguy]

Final installment of LIFE WITH MY FAMILY

 

Mississippi

The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole yo pickup truck frum the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "ah couldn't tell, but ah got the license number."

 

 

North Carolina

A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait.

A passerby studied the scene as he drove by, and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was.

The man replied, "Ah got a flat tahr."

The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?"

The man responded, "When you break down dey tell you ta put flares in the front and flares in the back. Ah never did understand it neither."

 

Tennessee

A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?"

The driver replied, "Bout whut?"

 

Texas

The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head."

"Yep," he replied. "That's why Ah'm dumpin' it here, 'cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage.' ".[/color][/size][/font]

 

Don't know where they come from, but they sure do make me laugh. And I thought only us Bostonians talked funny---right Oliver?

 

Thank you again for making life a fun time even when it doesn't appear so.

 

Boston Bill

[Guest countryboywny]

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed

some olives off the bar and ate them.

 

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them. He then

jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

 

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and

somehow swallowed it whole.

 

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what

your monkey just did?"

 

"No, what?"

 

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats

everything in sight.

Don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

 

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the

stuff the monkey ate and left.

 

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with

him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running

around the bar. The monkey found a maraschino cherry on the

bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and

ate it.

 

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his

butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

 

The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just

did?"

 

"No, what?" replied the man.

 

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his

butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

 

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He will eat anything, but ever since he had to pass that

cue ball, he measures everything first."

[jackhammer91406]

Saved

 

I had something to post today, but countryboy's contribution is too good to step on, so I'll save mine for next week.

[jackhammer91406]

 

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'

'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation .And, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks..

Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.

As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in....

 

 

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises aand moaning and screaming.

 

Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

 

 

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggles to their feet and puts their clothes back on.

 

 

The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

 

 

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence!

[edjames]

Drinking and Driving

 

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from our various social sessions over the

years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a

good idea.

 

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[Bosguy]

Drinking and Driving

 

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been lucky not to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from our various social sessions over the

years.

 

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had a few too many beers and then topped it off with a margarita. Not a

good idea.

 

Knowing full well I was at least slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.

 

Sure enough I passed a police road block but because it was a bus, they waved it past.

 

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

 

Thanks Ed

 

You certainly caught me on that one. I thought it was very serious and then you threw the hilarious punchline in. I thought we were talking about a boring metro bus, but ended up riding with Priscilla, Queen of the desert

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

I remember GRANDmama....

 

Three mischievous 'old Grandmas' were sitting on a bench outside their nursing home when an 'old Grandpa' walked by.

 

One of the 'old Grandmas' yelled out saying, "We bet we can tell exactly

how old you are."

 

The old man said, "There's no way you can guess it, you old fools ."

 

One Grandma said, "Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and

we can tell your exact age."

 

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, he

dropped his drawers.

 

The 'old Grandmas' asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to

jump up and down several times.

Then they all piped up and yelled, "You're 87 years old!"

 

Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, "How in

the world did you guess?"

 

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies

happily yelled in unison...;

"We were at your birthday party yesterday!"

[Guest countryboywny]

Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'EconomicStimulus' payment.

 

This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:

 

 

Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?

 

A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.

 

 

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

 

A. From taxpayers.

 

 

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

 

A. Only a smidgen of it.

 

 

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

 

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.

 

 

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

 

A. Shut up.

 

 

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy byspending your stimulus check wisely:

 

 

 

 

* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .

 

 

* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.

 

 

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

 

 

 

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala ..

 

 

 

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .

 

 

 

 

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

 

 

 

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

 

 

Instead, keep the money in America by:

 

 

1) Spending it at yard sales, or

 

2) Going to ball games, or

 

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

 

4) Beer or

 

5) Tattoos.

 

 

(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )

 

Conclusion:

 

Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !

 

 

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

[edjames]

I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was thinking of having an affair.

 

He turned to me and asked, "Who's going to cater it?"

 

OR

 

A FINE EXAMPLE OF SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

 

Dear Sir:

 

The results from the lab work confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer.

 

It was lipstick.

 

We apologize for the amputation.

[Guest countryboywny]

EXAMPLE OF SOCIALIZED MEDICINE

 

Dear Sir:

 

The results from the lab work confirm that the red ring around your penis was not cancer.

 

It was lipstick.

 

We apologize for the amputation.

 

You stole my thunder, Ed! I was saving this one for tomorrow! LOL

 

Here's this, instead:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Subject: Philosophical Discussion

 

 

Philosophical Discussion

Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics. Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the Nuts?

Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts. Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."

I rest my case.

[jackhammer91406]

A Loving Wife

 

 

Subject: A loving Wife

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

 

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain...do what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously

very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.

[bigvalboy]

I saw that coming, but it was funny anyway!!! LOL LOL

[Guest countryboywny]

 

Subject: A loving Wife

 

A man breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair.

 

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed the convict gets on top of

her, kisses her neck, then gets up & goes into the bathroom.

 

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: 'Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes!

He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't

complain...do what ever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously

very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

 

His wife responds: 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any

Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong honey. I love you too.[/color][/size][/font]

 

HA! Good one!

 

PS: I didn't see it coming.. LOL

[jackhammer91406]

Blond in Church

 

Blonde in church

 

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family."

 

The preacher continued, "Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood?

Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory.

Now stand and confess you transgression."

 

No one moved. Again, all was quiet.

 

Then, slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop a runaway train rose from the third pew.

 

Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke. "Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan. I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets."

 

The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

 

Life is Short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen Brother!!!

[bigvalboy]

Life is Short. Smile while you still have teeth. Give me an Amen Brother!!!

 

 

Amen Brother...

[Bosguy]

Thanks Jackhammer,

 

Life under the sheets makes the worries of the world seem small when you're dealing with bigger "issues"

 

Boston Bill

[gallahadesquire]

Amen, Brother!

[edjames]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

 

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

 

 

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " DON'T SELL THAT COW."

[jackhammer91406]

Tech support

 

 

SENIORS & COMPUTERS...........

As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.

I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.

Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.

 

As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired ,

'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Eric grinned ... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied.

'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote down:

ID10T

I used to like Eric, the little shit head .

[Bosguy]

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

 

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

 

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

 

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

 

" Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

 

 

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said: " DON'T SELL THAT COW."

 

SO IRISH!!!!!

 

Boston Bill

[+ honcho]

I laughed harder at the tech support joke (but then I'm kinda in the business ...)

[jackhammer91406]

Potty

 

Apologies for the delay, I am a bit under the weather..

 

 

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 15 seconds or so, he puts the book down, grips onto the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of his head with his right hand.

 

His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while."

 

Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy. I just haven't gone potty yet."

 

Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?"

 

 

Billy says:.................."it works for ketchup."

[Bosguy]

I hope you are doing fine. You've brought many rays of sunshine and a whole lot of laughter into my life since I joined the Forum.

 

All my best to you. Take care

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

Last Words

 

Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the "Coolest Headstone" contest.

 

 

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:

 

1. It's important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.

 

[edjames]

This may be an "oldie but goodie" but worth re-reading:

 

Costco Doctor

 

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies.

 

"There's a diagnostic computer down at Costco. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.

 

It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars. A lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Costco.

 

He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:

 

"You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at

Costco."

 

That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled.

 

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure.

 

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

 

 

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get

better.

 

Thank you for shopping at Costco!