Friday Funnies

[mike carey]

Not strictly a 'funny'. I wish I'd thought of making these.

[Kevin Slater]

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

• A question mark walks into a bar?

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

• A synonym strolls into a tavern.

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 

Kevin Slater

[AceHardware]

@@Kevin Slater, you had me at Oxford comma. ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[mike carey]

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

Pfft, an Oxford comma wasn't what was needed, a list comma after 'television' would have been enough. But I digress, great list of grammatical hilarities.

[Guest]

[AceHardware]

Pfft, an Oxford comma wasn't what was needed, a list comma after 'television' would have been enough. But I digress, great list of grammatical hilarities.

 

Maybe they should change it to the panda joke: "An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it eats shoots and leaves."

[mike carey]

Maybe they should change it to the panda joke: "An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it eats shoots and leaves."

Lol, perhaps yes. In the original, 'A comma walks into a bar ' would have worked.

[orville]

Sorry, I couldn't wait til next Friday to post this:

 

[RealAvalon]

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.

[RealAvalon]

Hermaphroditic flatworms fence each other with their penises.

The winner stabs the loser with its penis, inseminating them.

[Guest]

...

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

...

Kevin Slater

[+ Oliver]

[RealAvalon]

A CANADIAN JOKE

 

A photographer on vacation in Orlando was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for.

The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God.

The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta . There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it.

He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was.

She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis , Washington DC , Philadelphia , Boston and New York .

In every church he saw the same golden telephone

With the same '$10,000 per call' sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel up to Canada to see if Canadians had the same phone.

He arrived in Canada , and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 cents per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call.

Why is it so cheap here?’

The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Canada now, son ... it's a local call.'

[orville]

It's FRIYAY!

 

[RealAvalon]

It's FRIYAY!

 

Gekko-roman wrestling with reptile dysfunction ...

Edited August 13, 2020 by RealAvalon

[mike carey]

This guy has been posting dad jokes for most of the week, but this one alludes to something sometimes discussed in these forums. I guess I could have posted this in a Viagra thread, but here will do just fine.

[MEDIA=twitter]1293752614618767366[/MEDIA]

[Guest]

This guy has been posting dad jokes for most of the week, but this one alludes to something sometimes discussed in these forums. I guess I could have posted this in a Viagra thread, but here will do just fine.

[MEDIA=twitter]1293752614618767366[/MEDIA]

Do you know when a bad joke becomes a dad joke?

 

when it becomes apparent

[+ Archer]

Do you know when a bad joke becomes a dad joke?

 

when it becomes apparent

OMG, That's terrible! And I loved it!

[RealAvalon]

Not sure this is funny, but it amused me. Disco soccer.

 

[Guest]

OMG, That's terrible! And I loved it!

 

do you know what 50 Cent did when he got hungry?

 

58!

[Guest]

The man that invented the hokey pokey - Jacob Bromberg - died at the age of 98.

 

The hardest part of preparing him for the viewing was putting the body in the coffin....

 

they put the left leg in,

and then

all hell broke loose.

[rvwnsd]

[Guest]

[Guest]

One day President Trump fell off a bridge and was saved by three young boys.

 

Trump thanked them and said he'd give them all one of whatever they wanted.

 

The first boy asked for a trip to Disney Land and Trump said “absolutely!”

 

The second boy asked for a pair of Nike Air Jordan’s and Trump said “done!”

 

The third boy asked for a wheel chair with a plasma TV, cup holders and hydrolics.

 

Trump, looking puzzled at the boy, asked “why do you want a tricked out wheel chair? You don’t look disabled!”

 

The young boy replied, "Yeah, but I will be after my father finds out that I saved you"

[+ Lucky]

• An Oxford comma walks into a bar where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

• A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

• A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

• An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

• Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

• A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

• Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

• A question mark walks into a bar?

• A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

• Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

• A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

• A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

• Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

• A synonym strolls into a tavern.

• At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

• A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

• Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

• A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

• An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

• The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

• A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

• The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

• A dyslexic walks into a bra.

• A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

• A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

• A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

• A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

 

Here is an explanation of the joke for those who are interested:

http://lindaksienkiewicz.com/bar-jokes-and-grammar/

UPDATE: The author is not known to me.

Edited August 17, 2020 by Lucky