NEWBIE NEEDS HELP AGAIN. I'm Cleaning Out The Closet

[NYTomcat]

Well I swore I was not going to do this.... but the forum has been such a home to me these past few months I truly feel that I must. A few of you have written me to say you noticed my absence of recent on the forum and to confirm that all is well. It is

 

After a very broadly experimental series of events, I returned home to find that I could no longer raise the facade of the straight and narrow that I had been paying lip service too these past years. So with great trepidation, I have swung open the closet door and stepped out. Coming out to my wife, my parents, siblings and a few friends. To the amazing reception of love, support, and acceptance. While things are clearly in flux and emotionally raw as my wife and I begin the long and arduous task of unwrapping a life together for 18 years, We have found the sense of friendship again that drew us together once before.

 

So with great sadness at the loss of the partnership but with great hope for the future I can proudly announce, I am a gay man.

 

I'd like to thank all of you here who have been such friends and supportive of me over these past few months. Some of you... you know who you are... have been the rocks and my guides into a life I was much denied at my own hand for many years and I cannot thank you enough. There are so many to thank but It just would not be right to to say particularly thank you to Adam smith, Cooper, Lucky, PK, doitb4ugo, whipped guy, TBinCHI, RaulGManzo, LeoWalker, Dane and RyanCade. But most of all Thanks R. Not sure I ever would have gotten here without you. Well maybe but the trip would never have been as much fucking fun.

 

OK Now why the hell am I so fucking scared?

 

I have what I have wanted for years and I am totally at a loss to what my life should be like. Dating? oh God ... (thank god for hiring) In reality without the forum I cant even say I know many gay men. So as agnes gooch once coined. "WHAT DO I DO NOW?"

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ng7yJXTn3wA

 

 

With my wings resolutely spread, Missis Burnside,

And my old inhibitions shed, Missis Burnside,

I did each little thing you said, Missis Burnside,

I lived! I lived! I lived!

I altered the drape of a drop of my bodice

And softened the shape of my brow;

I followed directions

And made some connections,

But what do I do now?

Who'd think this Miss Prim would have opened a window

As far as her whim would allow;

And who would suppose it was so hard to close it,

Oh, what do I do now?

I polished and I powdered and puffed myself,

If life is a banquet I stuffed myself;

I had my misgivings, but went on a field trip,

To find out what living's about.

My thanks for your training,

Now I'm not complaining,

But you left something out!

Instead of wand'ring on with my lone remorse,

I have come back home to complete the course,

Oh, what do I do now?

Missis Burnside,

I traveled to hell in my new veneer,

And look what I got as a souvenir;

But still I'll defend you

As guide and instructor,

Would I recommend you and how.

Although I was leery, I thrived on your theory,

That life can be a wow!

You said there's nothing wrong with a harmless smooch,

So I'm gonna call him Burnside Gooch,

But what do I do now?

[+ purplekow]

Congratulations Tom. I hope this part of the journey remains smooth but I am sure there will be a few bumps in the road/ I am equally sure you will be able to handle them. I know from previous conversations we have had that this was a step that you did not anticipate making for quite some time, but it has been clear to me that it was not likely that you would want to and be able to continue to live the life you wanted without making this terrifying leap of faith. Now, having landed and survived, I hope you have as much fun as you can tolerate and I hope that you eventually find the life you are meant to live. By the way, I appreciate the mention, but fourth....really....come on...even Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality did better than fourth.

[NYTomcat]

By the way, I appreciate the mention, but fourth....really....come on...even Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality did better than fourth.

 

Very True, But hey when was the last time anyone ever awarded you Miss Congeniality. Perhaps Miss Demeanor!!! LOL But Thank You PK For everything. You've been a better friend than I deserve. more than anyone will ever know. Thank God

[+ sf westcoaster]

Tom, I admire your actions - yes it is going to be uncomfortable for a time while you settle into your revised routine, but with the support of family and friends you will make it! I am not as out you appear to be, but having told my children and brother and in return receiving there supoport has given me a comfort and willingness to be me. Like you, individuals I have met through the message center and through hiring have been an inspiration . I won't name anyone in particular but I am sure you know that one escort has been my pillar of strength as I go forth into each new day. All to often the service an escort provides is thought of only in terms of sex - certainly you and I know that an escort can and does provide far more than sex.

 

Good luck and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

[+ Charlie]

The first thing you need to do is move into your own place, not only for your own sake, but also for your wife's: she needs to be able to move on in her own life and not be primarily a support for your new life. Be prepared for lots of mixed feelings--both yours and hers--about the changes in your world. At some point, as a middle-aged newly gay man, you are going to feel deflated from the exhilaration that accompanies coming out, and you will probably feel regret at the loss of the comforts of being married to someone with whom you made a reasonably successful life for many years. Don't expect that even a relationship with a man you love will be idyllic just because it is sexually honest. And after that sobering advice, let me also say, Congratulations! You have made the right start.

[AdamSmith]

You know you have our support, affection, love. Mark of your strength that, even amid this storm in your life, you gave them back to us, multiplied.

 

OK Now why the hell am I so fucking scared?

 

Just what some of us feel every day, or at least when we stop to think.

 

Your instincts have been so strong and sound, in bringing you to this point. What to say, but: keep trusting them.

[Steven_Draker]

Congratulations on the move, Tomcat.

Personally, I came out to my family and friends when I was twenty. They also know what I do for a living.

Although, not wanting to discourage you, there's a whole lot besides and outside the Board. It's a pretty big ocean out there and I'm sure that you'll find your own way.

 

Cheers, Steven ~

[Guest Spanky]

Hey Tommy. I'm not nearly as articulate as most of the guys here, so I've little add other than my congratulations and best wishes. And stick with it, you're past one of the biggest humps (get your mind out of the gutter - I didn't mean THAT - and I'm sure you've got plenty of big humps coming your way in the future). It will get easier over time as you become more comfortable being out. That you've already gotten so much support from your family and friends is truly a blessing.

[Guest Ace]

Hey Tom;

CONGRATULATIONS on the decision to live YOUR life on YOUR terms!!! Breathe in.........the air is EXHILARATING!!!

[Romann]

Follow the yellow brick road!

 

One of the greatest pleasures has been watching you grow into the man you will become not only in the coming months but the years ahead. You have a new life coming and now that you have set yourself free with the truth to your friends and family with their full support and love, your road to happiness is being paved - a yellow brick road if you will. So put those ruby red slippers on, click your heels three times and you will be home in a new place with adoring friends and family welcoming you into your new life soon enough!

 

Newbie? Didn't you give up that title?

 

http://www.ecrater.com/p/2350218/wizard-of-oz-dorothys-ruby-red

[Chuck50]

All the best TOM

[Romann]

Right!

 

By the way, I appreciate the mention, but fourth....really....come on...even Sandra Bullock in Miss Congeniality did better than fourth.

 

Yeah, well, at least your full name was used. I've been reduced to "R" assuming that was me in the original post.

[JT Brooklyn]

The Best to You in the Future! I personally feel that someone who chooses to lead a "Double Life" usually ends up Enjoying LIFE Half as much! IMHO of course.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Congratulations, NYTomcat. You have trusted your instincts and let your true self shine. Self-acceptance is a wonderful place to be at any stage of life. Seeing the world through new eyes and with new possibilities in front of you is good for the soul. I hope the trip ahead remains joyful.

 

It's great that your family and friends are supportive. Keeping close to the people who are dear to you is what the great tapestry of life is woven from.

 

(Actually, I'm not surprised that your family and friends are supportive. Afterall, if they accepted you as a lawyer, then accepting your sexuality should be a piece of cake)

[instudiocity]

Umm, Tom, umm, wouldn't the title of this thread be better put as "clearing out of the closet" as opposed to your "cleaning out the closet"?

 

I'm just saying, the typical gay man would never need to be 'cleaning out' so much as 'clearing out' of it. I know it's semantics but just wanna be sure you're officially a gay man who has exited versus a slob who is cleaning. (Tongue firmly in cheek.)

 

Keep us informed of how it goes. You've done an indescribable thing and we're all gonna wanna know how it works out for you.

[Strafe13]

Congratulations Tom! I'm very proud of you. I remember us having a conversation some months back via a thread and pvt msg about this subject matter and I'm so glad things are working out for you. You say you don't know many gay men besides the board, but that can and will change soon. I never did get to meet you at the Adonis Lounge in Brooklyn. Perhaps one of these Thursdays that will happen if you and I ever make it there on the same night. I'll be sure to look for you the next time I'm there. That way you'll know at least one gay man in person. I'm sure you'll be a social butterfly in no time.

[doitb4ugo]

Hey Tom,

 

I have little I can add here to this post. You know my feelings for you.

 

You live your life on a fast moving train, the exhileration will always be there for you....it is your nature. Loved you before, love you now, will love you tomorrow.

[happyguy2]

My dear newatthis

YOU HAVE MY COMPLETE ADMIRATION AND SUPORT. I have neve been able to do what you have done. I have always loved you and your contributions to this site. know thata I am thinking and praying for you, your wife and family andfriends. i know manyhere don't pray anymore, but I still do. With lots of hugs and kisses, I wish you all the best and look forward to many more years of getting to know you.

hg2

[whipped guy]

Tomcat... I have been thinking of you all day... I knew from the force of your personality this was coming and you would have had the courage to do what many of us here simply can't do for a variety of reasons... I will never forget when you mentioned that you would someday have a life as a gay man...

 

When I first learned of all this I cried... at first I was afraid for you... but I guess they were really tears of joy...

[rvwnsd]

Congratulations. You have made a huge first step. You should find the nearest LGBT center and find out if they have a Gay Men's Coming Out Group. If they do, join it. If they do not, find one that does. You will be happy that you did.

[gp0560]

Keep us informed of how it goes. You've done an indescribable thing and we're all gonna wanna know how it works out for you.

 

And then, too, there's Tomcat's wife. How's it working out for her? Speaking of indescribable, she's had her 18-year-old marriage destroyed, however supportive she manages to be.

[orbital sander]

Good luck to you and your family!

[best hotel]

Good Luck....i know what you are going through.....if you need to, take time to mourn the loss of your old life......i am sure there are so many good parts you will bring forward in your new life and good parts you are losing..... take it one day at a time....all the old scripts for your future will be re-written as you discover your daily well-being as an out gay man....you had the courage to take a chance on an unknown new life before it was too late....you'll have the strength to discover what lies ahead......i wish you a handsome prince and happily ever after

[NYTomcat]

Like you, individuals I have met through the message center and through hiring have been an inspiration . I won't name anyone in particular but I am sure you know that one escort has been my pillar of strength as I go forth into each new day. All to often the service an escort provides is thought of only in terms of sex - certainly you and I know that an escort can and does provide far more than sex.

 

 

Dear God SF Truer words were never spoken.... How could I have known planning a tryst in the bathroom of a high end steak joint in Philly would lead to this. Not that anyone planned it. Truly it had always been my thought that I would have a great sexual encounter... perhaps a few and go back to my life. The problem is with each one I began to realize that being gay is about so much more than just who you sleep with.... at least to me that is.

 

Its about who you feel bonded, romantic, passionate and wanting to share your life with. With each passing experience I realized how wrong my life felt on a day to day basis and I began to wall myself off. Rather than coming out I was retreating further in when home. Cutting out my kids friends even spouse. because I knew more and more how much I was just not myself around them. Yes the term escort truly is the right term for me. Yes sex is a function of that but it is so much more... or it can be.

 

The first thing you need to do is move into your own place, not only for your own sake, but also for your wife's: she needs to be able to move on in her own life and not be primarily a support for your new life. Be prepared for lots of mixed feelings--both yours and hers--about the changes in your world. At some point, as a middle-aged newly gay man, you are going to feel deflated from the exhilaration that accompanies coming out, and you will probably feel regret at the loss of the comforts of being married to someone with whom you made a reasonably successful life for many years. Don't expect that even a relationship with a man you love will be idyllic just because it is sexually honest. And after that sobering advice, let me also say, Congratulations! You have made the right start.

 

Honestly charlie, your words ... here and privately have meant a great deal to me through this. I know you are right and that scares me to no end. I question what I have done regularly. But... I also know that I was destroying what I had because of who I was. In part... the only way to keep my family... as some part of my life was to be honest with them and myself and hope they could accept that. So far they have. We are working toward a place of my own... but it will take some time. there are still just certain financial realities that cannot be avoided.

 

You know you have our support, affection, love. Mark of your strength that, even amid this storm in your life, you gave them back to us, multiplied.

 

 

 

Just what some of us feel every day, or at least when we stop to think.

 

Your instincts have been so strong and sound, in bringing you to this point. What to say, but: keep trusting them.

 

Thank you AS. Truly day to day you have been friend and confident. we will get through all of this. Mon Ami

 

Congratulations on the move, Tomcat.

Personally, I came out to my family and friends when I was twenty. They also know what I do for a living.

Although, not wanting to discourage you, there's a whole lot besides and outside the Board. It's a pretty big ocean out there and I'm sure that you'll find your own way.

 

Cheers, Steven ~[/color]

 

Thanks Steven, Im sure there is and now that I am opening up to it I cannot wait to explore. though I would prefer not to bust out of the closet and rattle my family too much. small steps i think is better. The forum has been a home and the members family... for that I will never be able to repay , "The kindness of strangers" and boy are you boys strange.. LOL

 

Hey Tommy. I'm not nearly as articulate as most of the guys here, so I've little add other than my congratulations and best wishes. And stick with it, you're past one of the biggest humps (get your mind out of the gutter - I didn't mean THAT - and I'm sure you've got plenty of big humps coming your way in the future). It will get easier over time as you become more comfortable being out. That you've already gotten so much support from your family and friends is truly a blessing.

 

Im not sure I wouldn't be a lump of jello. Clearly I have always surrounded myself with open and non-judgemental people. That practice is paying off in spades. But the acceptance of my best friend and spouse is truly a gift I do not deserve but I appreciate in ways I cannot say

 

One of the greatest pleasures has been watching you grow into the man you will become not only in the coming months but the years ahead. You have a new life coming and now that you have set yourself free with the truth to your friends and family with their full support and love, your road to happiness is being paved - a yellow brick road if you will. So put those ruby red slippers on, click your heels three times and you will be home in a new place with adoring friends and family welcoming you into your new life soon enough!

 

Newbie? Didn't you give up that title?

 

http://www.ecrater.com/p/2350218/wizard-of-oz-dorothys-ruby-red

 

What can I possibly say to you. Except you have a client but more importantly a friend for life as long as you want me there. I could never have gotten over the hurdles I placed in front of myself without you. Hell 100 lbs lighter physically and 100 tons lighter emotionally and I know over the past year you have carried a great deal of that weight for me.

 

And yes after this past weekend I think the title newbie better be passed to someone else in the context I originally used it. Newbie to M2M sex... bah not anymore as my review of you will attest (stay tuned). But still as Im just coming out... well I guess I still fit that in some ways. But not for long. Wait til I get my first heartbreak from a man. then I can be jaded but for now im still a pie-eyed optomist.

 

Yeah, well, at least your full name was used. I've been reduced to "R" assuming that was me in the original post.

 

You damn well know it was. "ROMANN".

[NYTomcat]

The Best to You in the Future! I personally feel that someone who chooses to lead a "Double Life" usually ends up Enjoying LIFE Half as much! IMHO of course.

 

That aint even the half of it. lol

 

Congratulations, NYTomcat. You have trusted your instincts and let your true self shine. Self-acceptance is a wonderful place to be at any stage of life. Seeing the world through new eyes and with new possibilities in front of you is good for the soul. I hope the trip ahead remains joyful.

 

It's great that your family and friends are supportive. Keeping close to the people who are dear to you is what the great tapestry of life is woven from.

 

(Actually, I'm not surprised that your family and friends are supportive. Afterall, if they accepted you as a lawyer, then accepting your sexuality should be a piece of cake) [/color][/size][/font]

 

Well trust me the attorney pill was a bitter one to swallow as well. But to certain level good training for this. They knew I liked to fuck with people.... they just didnt realize I meant it literally.

 

Umm, Tom, umm, wouldn't the title of this thread be better put as "clearing out of the closet" as opposed to your "cleaning out the closet"?

 

I'm just saying, the typical gay man would never need to be 'cleaning out' so much as 'clearing out' of it. I know it's semantics but just wanna be sure you're officially a gay man who has exited versus a slob who is cleaning. (Tongue firmly in cheek.)

 

Keep us informed of how it goes. You've done an indescribable thing and we're all gonna wanna know how it works out for you.[/font]

 

Well I've been living as a straight man for 20 years. we have certain rules like not being to fastidious. So I am literally cleaning out the closet... Im also moving out of my bedroom so I am "literally" cleaning out my closet. Just had to get my ass out of there first.

 

Congratulations Tom! I'm very proud of you. I remember us having a conversation some months back via a thread and pvt msg about this subject matter and I'm so glad things are working out for you. You say you don't know many gay men besides the board, but that can and will change soon. I never did get to meet you at the Adonis Lounge in Brooklyn. Perhaps one of these Thursdays that will happen if you and I ever make it there on the same night. I'll be sure to look for you the next time I'm there. That way you'll know at least one gay man in person. I'm sure you'll be a social butterfly in no time.

 

Now look at this not out for more than a few days and I already have a date. well at least an offer for one. Now we can let those boys at Adonis get you horny first Thanks strafe seriously I would love to. let me know when your going.

 

Hey Tom,

 

I have little I can add here to this post. You know my feelings for you.

 

You live your life on a fast moving train, the exhileration will always be there for you....it is your nature. Loved you before, love you now, will love you tomorrow.

 

It has been my greatest privilege to meet men from this board who have been my support and friends. Doit. I count meeting and learning with you one of the greatest pleasures. My love always

 

My dear newatthis

YOU HAVE MY COMPLETE ADMIRATION AND SUPORT. I have neve been able to do what you have done. I have always loved you and your contributions to this site. know thata I am thinking and praying for you, your wife and family andfriends. i know manyhere don't pray anymore, but I still do. With lots of hugs and kisses, I wish you all the best and look forward to many more years of getting to know you.

hg2

 

I've never been a religious man but "no athiests in the foxhole" I certainly have done my share of late. Whatever you choose to do Happy.... Im sure its right for you and your family. There are many married men on this forum with greater fortitude than myself who fight this battle everyday and succeed in keeping home and hearth happy and together without the drama that I am bringing to mine. I commend them not ridicule them. I know how hard that road is. In many ways this is the easier solution for me but it places a great burden on my loved ones.

 

How will my kids feel.. While they may accept this... what will they face? Certainly not all their friends will and we all know kids can be so cruel. these are the things that keep me up at night.

 

Tomcat... I have been thinking of you all day... I knew from the force of your personality this was coming and you would have had the courage to do what many of us here simply can't do for a variety of reasons... I will never forget when you mentioned that you would someday have a life as a gay man...

 

When I first learned of all this I cried... at first I was afraid for you... but I guess they were really tears of joy...

 

I know whipped. It certainly was not the outcome I expected (it certainly was not what I anticipated tied to the german, LOL) But it clearly was what needed to happen. You saw and met me at my best.... what I have to give at home has been so much less. Just since this happened, even through all the turmoil... my vivacious self is coming back which I know my kids are appreciating.

 

Congratulations. You have made a huge first step. You should find the nearest LGBT center and find out if they have a Gay Men's Coming Out Group. If they do, join it. If they do not, find one that does. You will be happy that you did.

 

That is a great idea. Actually after I read this I went on line and started looking.

 

And then, too, there's Tomcat's wife. How's it working out for her? Speaking of indescribable, she's had her 18-year-old marriage destroyed, however supportive she manages to be.

 

Well That is a difficult one to answer. We have not been this close in years. Yes the rug was pulled out but she knew it was coming. In fact she has been pressing for the truth for some time. My lack of sex drive toward her she often internalized as her failing even though she has known of my proclivities for quite awhile.

 

That said... she is supportive but this is very hard for her. Its my job to make the transition as easy as possible in whatever way she thinks is best. At least that is how I see it. We are both focused on the kids right now ... as I think we should be.

 

Good Luck....i know what you are going through.....if you need to, take time to mourn the loss of your old life......i am sure there are so many good parts you will bring forward in your new life and good parts you are losing..... take it one day at a time....all the old scripts for your future will be re-written as you discover your daily well-being as an out gay man....you had the courage to take a chance on an unknown new life before it was too late....you'll have the strength to discover what lies ahead......i wish you a handsome prince and happily ever after

 

jeez right now a handsome prince sounds like too much work. I think a happily ever after would be a good burly blacksmith. at least for the evening. Ive done monogamy promises and I'm not headed into that again so soon. I need some time to discover who I am first. But I will say Thank you cause someday I will want my prince to share my life with but happily ever after.... Nah... with life comes some level of pain and anguish. True love to me is not happily ever after... true passion comes from getting through those down times... together as a team.... whether as friends, lovers or just escort/client.

 

I just need to also Thank David SF and Brandon Williams who reached out to me privately. The words of support you guys expressed was deeply appreciated. David you played a major role in helping me know I was ready for this and I will forever be thankful for that. Brandon your words to a complete stranger moved me in ways you will never know. Truly it reminds someone that no matter how alone we might feel others have been there or are there and the fact you took the time was really incredible. Thank you, Both.