NEWBIE NEEDS HELP AGAIN. I'm Cleaning Out The Closet

[NYTomcat]

Now I have to take the time to say one other special thank you . To a special guy who has gone out of his way to remind me I am able to do this not just emotionally but that people might actually find me attractive. Raul Manzo you crazy man. Thank you so much. For the late night chats and the really hot times. Your friendship has meant a great deal to me... What is it about you chicago boyz. Im gonna have to visit and find out Romann, Dane, you. Lord give me strength. To quote a great broadway work.

 

Give me a man who is handsome and strong

Someone who's stalwart and steady

Give me a night that's romantic and long

And give me a month to get ready

[Cooper]

Tom, we're here for you.

 

Tom, Just from reading all these thoughtful replies I can see how much you're loved and cared about. I'm glad you found "daddy's" and have been able to seek the advice of so many who have already taken this path. Making the decision to come out was a big step. I'm proud of you and I hope all goes well with you, your wife and children.

 

So, when is the coming out party?

 

Take care and remember, any time you needs us, we're here for you.

 

Big hug,

Coop

[NYTomcat]

Tom, Just from reading all these thoughtful replies I can see how much you're loved and cared about. I'm glad you found "daddy's" and have been able to seek the advice of so many who have already taken this path. Making the decision to come out was a big step. I'm proud of you and I hope all goes well with you, your wife and children.

 

So, when is the coming out party?

 

Take care and remember, any time you needs us, we're here for you.

 

Big hug,

Coop

Thank you neighbor. Let me find out when Adam is gonna be next at the club. And we will plan One lol. Unless I can convince him to meet us at monster or splash etc. .

[Juan Vancouver]

So proud of you!

 

Now, whenever you feel afraid of anything, you can peacefully know that you faced one of your biggest and scariest demons and it was not bad at all.

 

I don't wish you any luck, because being the brave and loving man that you are, you don't need any. Everything will flow to you. I just take a moment to revel in your courageous spirit.

 

What an example!

 

big hug.

 

Juan

[imrthr]

Tom,

 

I wish you the best in your decision to experience a different and/or new side of the gay life.

 

You are bright, therefore, you don't need to be reminded that not everyone is accepting of our lifestyle regardless of what they say to your face.

 

Just be careful and don't get too complacent.

 

o

[Diverdan]

Congratulations, Tom

 

Hi Tom,

I have not replied to this tread earlier, but have watched with joy the numerous comments, suggestions and advice from so many posters. Just so you know, I have personally known many guys who have gone through what you are now dealing with, and I am happy to say that none have regretted the monumental step and have gained so much as a result. As you know, it will not be easy, but there is strength in honesty and your family and friends will not forget your support for them these many years, and now it will come back to you. Yes, there are emotional, financial and practical issues to deal with, but those can be handled knowing that you have a new group of friends who are there to support you in ways that you may not even realize at this point in your journey. As you have already noted, the sexual aspects of this are only a small part of the decision to be open about your interests and sharing of who you really are.

 

Know that there is one more guy here who stands ready to be supportive of what ever you need in the coming days and months... and years too, if that is needed.

 

I have so enjoyed your postings and your sharing of varied experiences. I hope you continue that, as it will also help you reflect on this new stage of your journey through life.

 

Not sure that "best of luck" or "good wishes" are the right phrases, but being that I am a rather devout guy too, I will add you to my prayers as I know that He answers prayer in many different ways and created us all in his image and wants us to have a wonderful life.

[Strafe13]

Tom, I was actually at the Adonis Lounge last night and had a great time. (i.e. spent way too much!). I was actually looking for anyone who might be you so I could say hi, but then again since I have no idea what you look like besides others on this board saying you're handsome, that wasn't too smart. Anyway, I'm sure once you start to get settled in your new living situation, you'll be able to make it out more. Tim told me that next week is supposed to be a huge "mixed" party at the lounge and it's supposed to be packed. Just in case you wanted a little "incentive" to come out. TTYL.

[Boston Guy]

Congratulations on taking a very important step -- one that you will remember for the rest of your life.

 

So what do you do now?

 

1. Take it day by day. Try not to make too many huge plans, emotional commitments or great pronouncements for a while. Day by day, step by step. You'll get to where you need to be soon enough and remember that the journey is as important as the destination.

 

2. If you haven't already told your wife that you love her, do so. She's the mother of your children and someone who has shared a huge part of your life. If you and she are very lucky you will remain friends until death do you part. At the very least, she'll always be a part of your life through your children. This seems to me to be a fine time to remember why you chose to love her originally.

 

3. Try to understand that as you are taking steps that feel somehow wondrous, your wife and family are simultaneously taking steps that in some ways feel like something that has been a big part of their lives has just died. Even if they are acting as if everything is fine and that they are happy for you, they will have very difficult, sad days ahead -- in the very near future. Try to help them understand that while this is necessary for you, you will do everything in your power to help them as they walk down their roads, day by day, step by step.

 

4. Don't jump too fast. There's a lot more to living life happily as an out gay man than hiring escorts. If you don't have any good gay friends in your local area, guys who you can go out for a beer with, then I suggest you put yourself in places where you can meet these people. They don't need to be guys you want to sleep with -- in fact, it's probably better if they're not. But you need a good circle of gay friends to share things with on a regular basis -- people to go to dinner with and who can introduce you to other guys, including guys who you might want to date. Do not make the mistake of using the M4M forum as a substitute for having a good group of real-world, in-person, live and up close and breathing gay friends.

 

5. Be patient and very undemanding with your family and straight friends. It took you a long time to get to this point. Don't expect that they'll all be at the same place in a day or a week or a month or even a year. You may lose some friends but hopefully you'll gain some others. But be as understanding as you possibly can be and supportive. Let them know that you understand that it can be difficult but that you're exactly the same person you were before except now you're not hiding this big secret from them.

 

I think that's enough for a start.

 

Good luck to you. There will be tough days ahead that you are not anticipating now, days when you are suddenly scared or lonely or depressed or wondering if you made the right decision after all. The exhilaration will not last forever and you'll come back down to earth and realize that you still need to go to work, eat meals, do laundry and all of those other things but that you may soon not have in your life the family with whom you used to do all of those things, at least in the same way. Prepare yourself as best you can for a small series of seismic shock. In the end, you'll likely end up much happier for having taken this step.

 

BG

[+ purplekow]

Boston Guy, Great advice. I think you hit on most of the major difficulties in the wondrous transition Tom has undertaken. I'll bet it is the voice of experience talking and making a great deal of sense. Once again, great good luck Tom.

[gp0560]

3. Try to understand that as you are taking steps that feel somehow wondrous, your wife and family are simultaneously taking steps that in some ways feel like something that has been a big part of their lives has just died. Even if they are acting as if everything is fine and that they are happy for you, they will have very difficult, sad days ahead -- in the very near future. Try to help them understand that while this is necessary for you, you will do everything in your power to help them as they walk down their roads, day by day, step by step.

 

That's what I wanted to say. Thanks, BG, for expressing it so much better than I did.

[+ honcho]

Now as to making those just friends ... Has anybody suggested a gay activity or professional club?

 

In the Bay Area we have BALIF (Bay area lawyers for individual freedom), a gay chapter of the ACLU, a gay chapter of

the Sierra Club (if you're outdoorsey) ... I don't recall Tomcat mention any musical performing interests, but there

are now gay choruses (men and mixed) in a *lot* of cities. 3,000 people attended the last GALA choral conference.

[NYTomcat]

So proud of you!

 

Now, whenever you feel afraid of anything, you can peacefully know that you faced one of your biggest and scariest demons and it was not bad at all.

 

I don't wish you any luck, because being the brave and loving man that you are, you don't need any. Everything will flow to you. I just take a moment to revel in your courageous spirit.

 

What an example!

 

big hug.

 

Juan

 

Not sure Im anyone's example except how to spent 18 years Not being who you are.... but I do appreciate the sentiment. In reality the courageous one is my wife. While she has always known my proclivity she is being nothing but supportive and helpful trough the process. That really is the definition of courage isnt it. Putting others above your own pain. It reminds me why I love her... even if we are not "in love."

 

Tom,

 

I wish you the best in your decision to experience a different and/or new side of the gay life.

 

You are bright, therefore, you don't need to be reminded that not everyone is accepting of our lifestyle regardless of what they say to your face.

 

Just be careful and don't get too complacent.

 

o

 

I appreciate the reminder as in my euphoria I could get over complacent. But to be honest the coming out process will be slow as I do not wish my kids to have to wear the stigma of the gay dad. The community we live in is rather religious by NY standards. So I will probably wait to move back into the city and let our local neighborhood simply guess at the reasons for the seperation

 

Hi Tom,

I have not replied to this tread earlier, but have watched with joy the numerous comments, suggestions and advice from so many posters. Just so you know, I have personally known many guys who have gone through what you are now dealing with, and I am happy to say that none have regretted the monumental step and have gained so much as a result. As you know, it will not be easy, but there is strength in honesty and your family and friends will not forget your support for them these many years, and now it will come back to you. Yes, there are emotional, financial and practical issues to deal with, but those can be handled knowing that you have a new group of friends who are there to support you in ways that you may not even realize at this point in your journey. As you have already noted, the sexual aspects of this are only a small part of the decision to be open about your interests and sharing of who you really are.

 

Know that there is one more guy here who stands ready to be supportive of what ever you need in the coming days and months... and years too, if that is needed.

 

I have so enjoyed your postings and your sharing of varied experiences. I hope you continue that, as it will also help you reflect on this new stage of your journey through life.

 

Not sure that "best of luck" or "good wishes" are the right phrases, but being that I am a rather devout guy too, I will add you to my prayers as I know that He answers prayer in many different ways and created us all in his image and wants us to have a wonderful life.

 

Thank you Diverdan, It really does mean a lot to have so many people reach out like this. This process has brought up a lot of the demons that made me head into the closet to begin with... but in truth.. Its not about the sex, well not totally, Its about living as me again. God that is intoxicating after you haven't done it for so long

 

Tom, I was actually at the Adonis Lounge last night and had a great time. (i.e. spent way too much!). I was actually looking for anyone who might be you so I could say hi, but then again since I have no idea what you look like besides others on this board saying you're handsome, that wasn't too smart. Anyway, I'm sure once you start to get settled in your new living situation, you'll be able to make it out more. Tim told me that next week is supposed to be a huge "mixed" party at the lounge and it's supposed to be packed. Just in case you wanted a little "incentive" to come out. TTYL.

 

Well Im playing this by ear but it does look like I may be there.

 

Congratulations on taking a very important step -- one that you will remember for the rest of your life.

 

So what do you do now?

 

1. Take it day by day. Try not to make too many huge plans, emotional commitments or great pronouncements for a while. Day by day, step by step. You'll get to where you need to be soon enough and remember that the journey is as important as the destination.

 

2. If you haven't already told your wife that you love her, do so. She's the mother of your children and someone who has shared a huge part of your life. If you and she are very lucky you will remain friends until death do you part. At the very least, she'll always be a part of your life through your children. This seems to me to be a fine time to remember why you chose to love her originally.

 

3. Try to understand that as you are taking steps that feel somehow wondrous, your wife and family are simultaneously taking steps that in some ways feel like something that has been a big part of their lives has just died. Even if they are acting as if everything is fine and that they are happy for you, they will have very difficult, sad days ahead -- in the very near future. Try to help them understand that while this is necessary for you, you will do everything in your power to help them as they walk down their roads, day by day, step by step.

 

4. Don't jump too fast. There's a lot more to living life happily as an out gay man than hiring escorts. If you don't have any good gay friends in your local area, guys who you can go out for a beer with, then I suggest you put yourself in places where you can meet these people. They don't need to be guys you want to sleep with -- in fact, it's probably better if they're not. But you need a good circle of gay friends to share things with on a regular basis -- people to go to dinner with and who can introduce you to other guys, including guys who you might want to date. Do not make the mistake of using the M4M forum as a substitute for having a good group of real-world, in-person, live and up close and breathing gay friends.

 

5. Be patient and very undemanding with your family and straight friends. It took you a long time to get to this point. Don't expect that they'll all be at the same place in a day or a week or a month or even a year. You may lose some friends but hopefully you'll gain some others. But be as understanding as you possibly can be and supportive. Let them know that you understand that it can be difficult but that you're exactly the same person you were before except now you're not hiding this big secret from them.

 

I think that's enough for a start.

 

Good luck to you. There will be tough days ahead that you are not anticipating now, days when you are suddenly scared or lonely or depressed or wondering if you made the right decision after all. The exhilaration will not last forever and you'll come back down to earth and realize that you still need to go to work, eat meals, do laundry and all of those other things but that you may soon not have in your life the family with whom you used to do all of those things, at least in the same way. Prepare yourself as best you can for a small series of seismic shock. In the end, you'll likely end up much happier for having taken this step.

 

BG

 

BG I have taken every one of those statement to heart and I cannot tell you how much I appreciate the guidance. I have been trying to do those exact things while still battling my own demons and the euphoria that come from living honestly. I have already gotten info on a couple local gay groups. While Im not normally a joiner. This might be a good time to try some new things

 

Now as to making those just friends ... Has anybody suggested a gay activity or professional club?

 

In the Bay Area we have BALIF (Bay area lawyers for individual freedom), a gay chapter of the ACLU, a gay chapter of

the Sierra Club (if you're outdoorsey) ... I don't recall Tomcat mention any musical performing interests, but there

are now gay choruses (men and mixed) in a *lot* of cities. 3,000 people attended the last GALA choral conference.

 

Yeap, actually performed on broadway when I was a kid. So GALA Choral is right up my alley. Thanks Honcho Im checking this out. Also hoping to do a duet in Chicago with Mr Dane Scott who I hear has a great voice.

 

All in All, I Cannot thank you guys enough. please forgive if my postings have been somewhat less that normal. I've been very busy trying to keep the work and family ships on an even keel during all this change. But I could not simply not come back and thank you all for everything over the last 9 months. And to affirm, Im not going anywhere. While there maybe more life out there for me.... the forum is family, at least to me.... I would never have had the courage to do this without all of you as I said originally. So Kudo's to you all you are just great. and most of all you Romann... thanks again you sexy hunk of a man. Dear God hurry and move to Chicago so I can come visit.

[Sooner405]

Congratulations Tom. Several years ago, I began a similar journey as the one you have launched. My family has been supportive and my ex-wife is still a dear friend. I haven't regretted coming out--just wish I'd done it sooner. Good luck, man. Never look back!

[+ purplekow]

Congratulations Tom. Several years ago, I began a similar journey as the one you have launched. My family has been supportive and my ex-wife is still a dear friend. I haven't regretted coming out--just wish I'd done it sooner. Good luck, man. Never look back!

 

Now all you have to do is give up them Sooners and things will go much better for you. I am a Cornhusker fan who has never been to Nebraska. Sorry to see Big Red Defecting to the Big Ten. Shame really.

[+ Charlie]

What does it say about the quality of math education when the Big 10 actually consists of eleven schools, and soon will have twelve? And what will the current Big 12 call itself, with fewer than twelve? At least the PAC-10 intends to rename itself the PAC-12 when it adds Utah and Colorado.

[KMEM]

I am afraid that the words, "quality" and "education" don't deserve to be in the same sentence very often these days. I suppose quality can mean good or bad, so perhaps those words can be in the same sentence.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

 

Just like a baker's dozen, is there a word or words that could signify a sports conference that has a number of members that does not otherwise match its' name?

[instudiocity]

I am afraid that the words, "quality" and "education" don't deserve to be in the same sentence very often these days. I suppose quality can mean good or bad, so perhaps those words can be in the same sentence.

Ha, another oxymoronic comparison. Military Intelligence ain't the only one... Quality Education!

[NYTomcat]

Want an oxymoron. How about a thread about coming out that. Devolves to a discussion about sports and the big 10. Lol. I love you guys

[Guest Spanky]

What does it say about the quality of math education when the Big 10 actually consists of eleven schools, and soon will have twelve? And what will the current Big 12 call itself, with fewer than twelve? At least the PAC-10 intends to rename itself the PAC-12 when it adds Utah and Colorado.

 

Maybe the B10+2 is being run by business majors, since they certainly know how to add up their dollars and cents.

[instudiocity]

Want an oxymoron. How about a thread about coming out that. Devolves to a discussion about sports and the big 10. Lol. I love you guys

 

NYTC, I'm not sure that's oxymoronic enough. There are some athletes, especially some college athletes, that'd I'd like to see coming out - out of their clothes!