Just Friends?

[chrismac]

I'm looking for some friendly advice.

 

I met a guy online a couple of weeks ago. Very nice, cute, and once we met - we really hit it off conversationally. I could have talked to him for hours, but it was evening, and well, we had an unstated objective in mind.

 

So we retired to my bedroom. Talked a bit more, then started playing around, clothes came off - you know the rest.

 

Everything was fine, but I felt there just wasn't something clicking in me - like a lack of chemistry. I didn't come, but explained that I didn't always do that (I left out the part that I always do when I'm totally turned on).

 

We agreed that we wanted to see each other again, and I honestly do. He has emailed me a couple of times to get together this week sometime. He genuinely thinks I'm hot (a big compliment to me - he's very good looking), but it's not clicking with me. God knows same has been true for many others when it came to me. I'm nothing special.

 

Here's the dilemma: Although I'm not really into the idea of having sex with him again, I could do it - it was fine - just not great. But I really want to have him as a friend. He seems like a fantastic guy and I would love to spend a lot of time hanging out with him. We share a lot of interests.

 

Do I tell him I "just want to be friends" (that sounds so lame - and insulting), or give the sex a few more shots, get myself to come and gradually try to steer the relationship to more of a friendship (I'm not in love with that method either)?

 

Any advice guys? Anyone else been in this situation?

 

I'd like to not screw this one up if possible.

 

Thanks

[Guest Thunderbuns]

Have you tried to analyze why he doesn't "DO IT" for you? Maybe it's because he's so hot that you have performance anxiety. It's happened to me too. My lover of 10 years had this effect on me when we first got together. I thought he's drop me as a dud.

 

Give it a few more times - any try not to dwell on it a lot. Surprising things can happen. Good luck!

 

Thunderbuns

[duke37]

If you like this guy keep trying things that are physical and fun. Don't do things just to make yourself cum just for the guy. Do things that are fun for you. Its not always about cumming. IF you stay warm and physically intimate with him he is a lot less likely to feel rejected even when he notices you don't cum for him. And don't apologize either. If it happens great and it doesn't happen thats okay too.

 

Besides having a buddy to kiss and cuddle and rub against sounds great. If you like this guy as a person don't preclude a relationship based on this. Of course he may want more and go and find it. And I assume you will go and get what you need as well.

 

Good luck he sounds fun!

 

Jeff

[Will]

Jeff's advice is really sound, I think. After all, you know you like this guy and want to have him as a friend. In addition to that, you enjoyed having sex with him, even if it wasn't like fireworks on the Fourth of July. So what? Maybe it will be next time. Maybe you'll discover things to do together that really turn you on. After all, instant sex after a chance meeting online is hardly the stuff on which to base a serious decision about another person. Since he seems to like you at least as much as you like him, why not see where it leads? You don't have to marry the guy just because you're dating him. I'd say to count your lucky stars, be grateful that somebody really nice has come into your life, that he thinks you're hot, and have at it!

[chrismac]

Good stuff. Thanks for your comments. Maybe to add a little more to the situation:

 

I work from home, and except for a couple of times per week when I go out for business meetings, and my regular workouts; like Alice on The Honeymooners said to Ralph: "All I see all day are these windows, this floor, and those four walls..." So I really enjoy the opportunity to get out for any reason. With my new friend - he prefers to come over to my house and have fun indoors. So I'm trying to convince him to "go out" with me somewhere. He has an ex, and I think he's a little nervous about running into him. So I don't want it to be just about sex, but if he comes over to my house and we never go out - that's what he's there for (mixed with lots of good conversation). So I'm going to try tonight to invite him out. We'll see how it goes.

 

You guys are great!

 

Thunder - he's very cute - but that's not the issue (that's never been a problem for me).

[+ glutes]

You felt there was something 'clicking, lack of chemistry'?

Follow your intuition - you are probably not far off the mark...

[Rod Hagen]

You're asking a large group of married gay men still deeply in love with their wives what to do if you're not sexually "into" the person you care about or want to care about?

[+ Lucky]

RE: Just Crisco

 

"Having these balls makes

me feel something close to

joy, I think. I must caress

them." -FRIEZA

-Hagen

Is this about Crisco balls too?

[Will]

I'm not married, and never have been. I've never had sex with a woman and don't want to. I'm not in love with anybody. But he asked for my response if he asked for anybody's. And I gave it. What's your problem with that? Why is it any concern of yours?

[fedssocr1]

Sounds like maybe you have different expectations than he does. If he just wants to come over and fuck, then that's not much to build a relationship on. I think you're on the right track with asking him to go out and do things "outside". It sounds like you and he might need to talk about what it is you're both expecting from this relationship.

 

You both have a right to have your needs met. I agree that you should follow your intuition. Maybe you should try a "date" where you keep your clothes on and see how that goes.

[Rod Hagen]

Will, I was refering to the Hooboy site as a whole. You must admit there are a lot of married men here, right? It was a lighthearded comment. Fucking chill!

 

Lucky, it's another quote from my favorite TV show (not Buffy The Vampire Slayer)

[foxy]

I suppose it's sort of quaint to think that people used to date for a while before they wound up in the bedroom. Still the idea of actually getting to know someone before sex is appealing. It's an odd thing to say on a site like this. Good relationships are more than sex. Maybe you just need to ask this guy if you can start over and put sex on the back burner. If you are going to have any future, as friends or lovers, you're going to have to be honest about how you feel. If he really cares about you he'll go along with this. You've got to go out together sooner or later. I'd vote for sooner. Hopefully, he will too.

[foxy]

Not to be cynical but are you sure his "ex" is his "ex"? That might be worth finding out. If he is, I don't see why running into him would be a problem. If he isn't then you have the perfect reason to "just be friends".

[pacnwescort]

>

>Here's the dilemma: Although I'm not really into the idea of

>having sex with him again, I could do it - it was fine -

>just not great. But I really want to have him as a friend.

>He seems like a fantastic guy and I would love to spend a

>lot of time hanging out with him. We share a lot of

>interests.

>

>Do I tell him I "just want to be friends" (that sounds so

>lame - and insulting), or give the sex a few more shots, get

>myself to come and gradually try to steer the relationship

>to more of a friendship (I'm not in love with that method

>either)?

>

>

Sounds like you just lifted a page from my personal life this year. Being a new resident to San Francisco, I have been spending considerable time making new friends. I have met several guys that I enjoyed having sex with, once, maybe twice, but then after that I really just wanted to be friends.

 

I think it is a dilemna to try to morph whats starts out with hot and heavy sex into a friendship. With one guy in particular I felt exactly the same way you did - really interesting, warm, giving, but not really a sexual turn-on. My friends gave me conflicting advice. One school of thought was: be honest, just tell him you want to be friends, not fuck buddies. The other school of thought was that it is naive to expect someone who is sexually attracted to you to be happy with the idea of just being friends. I think both views are correct: honesty is the best policy, but in practice life doesn't always work out that way. In this case, the guy reacted by denying he wanted to date me (I hadn't suggested he did), but he did keep pressing for sex, so I just stopped getting together with him.

 

If you don't want to have sex with him again, I wouldn't recommend fucking just to avoid being honest. At various times in my life I've felt like certain guys I've met were fantastic, and that I "should" be attracted to them. But if I'm not, I'm not. Trying to force myself to be turned on when I'm not is not fun. Chemisty is weird and unpredictable, but you can't ignore it.

 

The one observation a friend made to me that makes sense in these situations is that if you can't be honest with each other, than you're not really friends anyway. Honesty is like a test, some relationships pass and some fail, but that is what tests are for.

 

Also, you said "the same has been true with many others when it came to me." I'm not sure I understood what you meant? Did you mean that you regularly find yourself in situations like this, where you have sex with guys but then want to "just be friends?" If so, (and again, I'm not sure if this is what you meant) it seems quite normal and you should be honest with guys upfront about it, before any cocks get hard. Then, if you tell them you just want to be friends, it will feel less like rejection. In the situation I'm in - live in two cities, travel often, have sex for pay most days, and really enjoy it - dating and a long-term relationship seems pretty unrealistic for right now. So I tell people I'm mostly looking to be friends, even if we happen to have sex once in a while. I figure if I do meet someone that really knocks my socks off, I can change my mind and start to date them, but lowering the expectations right upfront seems to help avoid some of the risks of losing a possible friend because you hurt their feelings after having sex.

 

Anyway, when you figure this all out, please let me know.

 

Steven

pacnwescort@aol.com

[Guest gryphone]

I think the key is that you really hit it off and could have talked for hours. This suggests some emotional intimacy that goes

beyond merely having interets in common, but certainly derives from

having them. It could be that this degree of emotional intimacy so early in your acquaintance is interfering with the "greatness" of your sexual intimacy; as is well known the two kinds of intimacy don't always ( indeed rarely) go in tandem. I suggest you keep seeing each other,both in and out, and see how each aspect of your intimacy develops; he ought to be able to understand your wish to go out more,

given your work habits, if he resists a lot, ask him why. It does seem

that you could eventually strike it rich--emotionally and sexually

well matched. Give it time and aa variety of approaches, both in and out of bed.

[chrismac]

Hey guys,

 

Thanks for the comments. They're great.

 

Steven - my comment: "God knows same has been true for many others when it came to me. I'm nothing special" - I meant that many other guys haven't "had it" for me sexually either, but seemed to like me on a personal level. I didn't want anyone to think that I wasn't attracted to this guy 'cause I think I'm "all that".

 

Well, we're set up to go out tomorrow night (and I mean "out" as in out of the house). So things are looking up.

 

I agree that honesty is the best policy - but I also believe that there are several ways to express feelings; somewhere along the way lies the path where feelings aren't destroyed and dignity is preserved. I wouldn't be anxious about this situation if I didn't feel strongly for him on some level I don't yet comprehend myself.

[BobbyB]

>The one observation a friend made to me that makes sense in >these situations is that if you can't be honest with each other, >than you're not really friends anyway. Honesty is like a test, >some relationships pass and some fail, but that is what tests >are for.

 

Now THAT'S a keeper!!! (And so is that friend. :-) )

 

-BobbyB

[+ Charlie]

In my experience, the guys with whom I have had the hottest sex on the first date are often a disappointment on the second, and fade out of my life soon after. On the other hand, several of my closest friends have been guys with whom I had rather bland sex on our initial meeting, but whom I really enjoyed being with, and we developed more important non-sexual interests as they realized it "wasn't clicking" for me. I think you are taking the right approach in trying to get him to do things outside the bedroom, since that is the only way you will find out if he is interested in you for anything other than sex.

[chrismac]

Charlie - well, I'm off to meet him at a local pub and we'll go from there.

 

Thanks to all who have commented here. I don't want to make this thread about me anymore (love the attention but I'm getting a little self-conscious about it) - so if anyone else has stories on this topic to share, I'll close off my commentary from here.

 

I think things will work out well for me and my new pal.

 

[Guest Charon]

>You're asking a large group of married gay men still deeply

>in love with their wives what to do if you're not sexually

>"into" the person you care about or want to care about?

 

I was going to say something about the inadvisability of trying to build a long term relationship on sex, but figured a message forum for whores and johns probably wasn't the place to say it.