Falling in love with an Escort

[Guest danwallace]

What do you do when a client falls hopelessly in love with you? I fell BIG TIME for an escort I recently hired. He was my first and now I can't get him out of my mind. Each subsequent time we are together, I am elated days before by the anticiaption of our being together only to have to face the disappointment and depression when he leaves.

I can't believe I let this happen. I am sure he knows because he told me this sometime happens, but each must realize the reality of what it really is.

 

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Dan

[Guest zipperzone]

My advice would be to terminate all relations with him immediately.

 

You're setting yourself up for more heartache and who needs that?

 

Unless, of course, you happen to be a masochist.

[Guest danwallace]

Thanks for the reply. No, not a masochist. Just a normal very masculine nice looking guy next door type who hired another masculine great looking guy next door type and fell in love. Had a feeling most would reply with your wisdom. I guess you are right, just not sure I can do it. ;(

[alanalt]

I'm not an escort, and I expect that those who respond will have different approaches. It's not uncommon, a lot of people who hire are looking for a bit of 'intimacy' and while we're guys, so it's supposedly easier for us to separate loving from fucking, we do sometimes confuse easily... }(

 

The first thing is there's no pat answer because it all depends on your feelings and his and your situation and his. Is he escorting for a short time only or does he plan to do it for a while? What does he plan to do afterwards? Do you two even live in the same city? Would you be prepared to accept him continuing to escort while being in a relationship with you? Would you support him in finding a ‘new career’? (Would he accept such support?) The questions and variations go on and on.

 

But right now, the big question is do you tell him or not? Don't assume he 'knows'. He may suspect but unless you've been together a lot, he probably can't be sure if you're in love with him or just a really nice guy... :-) And if you tell him, you'll also be 'passing the buck' (which is always good) because then he'll have to decide what he's going to do about it. However, the risk is that he may decide to sever the 'relationship' (and I'm waiting for the bricks to fall on me for using that word) altogether.

 

I've been in your shoes twice. The first time, I told the escort and he was gracious but was firm about not seeing me as a client again. ;( After that, when it happened again, I chose not to tell the escort and we developed a good friendship and I remained (somewhat) content with the crumbs from the feast. Ironically, that escort went on to fall in love with another client (so it can work out!) but I also learned in that span that while I remain(ed) incredibly attracted to him, it wouldn't have worked out... It was a case of opposites attracting, but in the end the 'opposites' would have worked out to be too strong methinks.

 

In the end, I don't know if anyone on this board (unless your escort frequents the board and recognizes your nickname) can really help. There are too many variables and details involved. I think that if you're really needing advice, you're going to have to turn to someone you know and trust (and, I know, opening up about this kinda thing is v. hard...) for counsel.

 

I wish you all the best.

 

Alan

 

"It is also said, go not to the Elves for counsel, for they will say both no and yes"

[Epigonos]

Ultimately you have to decide whether you want to be miserable for a short time NOW or miserable for a long time LATER. The sad truth is that no matter what you do you are going to be unhappy. Also I'm sure, even now, that you understand, with your brain, that a non-professional relationship with this guy, most likely, isn't going to work. The problem is that your heart doesn't want to accept that factual reality. Whatever you decide to do take care and good luck.

[+ purplekow]

Tell the escort you won't be able to see him again professionally and then ask him is he is willing to see you socially. Explain that you can no longer see him professionally because of your feelings for him and see where it goes. Be prepared for rejection.

[Guest danwallace]

WOW. Thanks guys for all your input. I am in my 40's, but had never been with a guy until hiring this escort. Yes, I was married to a wonderful woman who passed away a few years ago. I almost forgot what it felt like to love.

I wasn't sure what kind of responses to expect from this site. The escort in question is the one who told me about it. I figured it couldn't hurt to ask a question.

So far, I found the people who responded to be very genuine and really concerned that I approch this situation knowing all the facts. I guess you guys reinforced everything I already knew. Yes, we live in the same city, yes, we are both professionals, (he has a great job outside escorting). We e-mail and talk on the phone at least twice a week, which only makes things more difficult. Last month, for my birthday, he brought over a cake, a present and a card. He wrote some of the most beautiful sentiments in the card. So gentlemen, now you know a little bit more about the situation. The sex is sooo unimportant when we are together. The kissing and intimacy is where we really click.

Thanks again for all your kind words and wishes. I appreciate them very much.

 

Dan

[Lookin]

The good news is that you’re open to falling in love. It sounds like you’re VERY open, and may be somewhat vulnerable to anyone who makes a good first impression. That sounds more like an infatuation to me, and those are usually over pretty quick.

 

The only thing I’d suggest is spending some time thinking about what you really want in a lover - someone you’d want to spend your life with. Make a list, if you can, of what qualities you want in your lover: physical, emotional, intellectual, and whatever else you would want in the person you’re going to be with forever. If you want someone who has a big dick, great sense of humor, and will take care of you when you’re sick, put that on your list. Then go over your list again, and circle the stuff that’s REALLY important. Maybe you can get by without the big dick, but you can’t get by without the sense of humor - or vice versa. You may get it down to four or five things that you absolutely have to have in a lover.

 

Keep your list in mind every time you see this guy, and see if he matches up. The chances are he won’t be Mr. Right in every area that’s important to you. And you’ll see that as time goes by. He may become a fuck buddy, but you won’t want him for your lover.

 

On the other hand, if he keeps matching up, then ask him what HE wants in a lover. If it turns out that you match his list too, I’d say pop the question!

 

Hope you find The One!

 

 

PS: I posted the above before I read your last post. Since intimacy seems to be what’s really important, it might be also be good to put yourself in some other intimate relationships besides this one. Even if they’re just physically intimate, they may help meet any pent up emotional needs, and let you relax a little more as you search for your lover.

[Guest PWIT]

Dan,

my unprofessional advice is to be honest with the escort. Honesty carries some risk, but if you care for him you need to be honest with him about your feelings. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

 

:-) PWIT

[Louis]

There is another thing to consider... are you falling in love, or is it just lust? To me falling in love means knowing the person in more ways than just in the bed. Most escorts are handsome, and most have a great personality (while they are with their client) but do you really know what that escort is like personally? There are two things that you do know

1. he is good looking/.

2. he is fun to be around when you are giving him money.

But what is he really like? Does he do things or have habits that would drive you crazy over time? What does he think of you as a person? You don't know, and may not want to know.

Lets face it, people hire escorts because they lust after various guys when their pictures are posted on the net.

My suggestion is to either not see him anymore. Or to put things in perspective and realize that the person you are paying to see is doing it for monetary compensation. If you can distinguish the difference between lust and love, then keep seeing him....if you can't, time to move on and hope it doesn't happen again.

Finally also remember that this is the winter. There is less sunlight, and if you have SAD...Seasonal Affective Disorder, things will get very distorted, and your emotions will not be quite as stable as you would like them to be. So think of escorts as being company during a time when you may be lonely, and vulnerable. Escorts can become friends, but they may not become lovers.

Louis

[Guest danwallace]

Louis:

 

Thanks for the response. I've said the same thing myself between love and lust. I've known him for almost a year now. I know his real name, where he lives, personal phone number and where he works. It is much more than lust, at least on my part. This definitely is not SAD. I guess I will just have to be honest and get it all out in the open once day soon. I certainly don't want to keep feeling the way I do.

 

Thanks again for your response. All my best, Dan

[SexualAlchemist]

In the modern West we invariably confuse romantic/sexual bonding with love. That bonding seems to be the result of a powerfully psychoactive hormone, oxytocin:

 

http://www.oxytocin.org/oxytoc/index.html

 

It helps build relationships upon first meeting or coupling. Recent research indicates that the oxytocin high (the butterflies in the stomach, the aching heart craving the presence of the loved one, the sexual charge, obsessive thoughts, and all that other fun stuff) fades after about 3 1/2 years -- coincidentally the approximate time it takes a male and female to produce progeny, and raise it to the point where it can run around and communicate at a rudimentary level.

 

You're suffering from the very unpleasant effects of a potent, psychoactive drug. Unpleasant, except when you get what you want -- time spent with the object of obsession. It's terribly addictive, though there is hope! In time it will fade, no doubt about that, *possibly* leaving "true love" in its wake, though love develops more slowly ... needs lots of "in house" familiarity ... lots of attention ... conscious cultivation ... shared experience ... the mutual interpenetration of minds ... devotion to shared causes, etc.

 

Don't take it too seriously. Like all drugs, economics will create its own limits. Eventually the levels of oxytocin will fall, the object of obsession will have much less of that rosy glow he has now, will say/do something that will piss you off, and it will end.

 

You could just enjoy the ride -- it'll be over in a few years. In the meantime, remember the social contract and its ramifications as applied to your situation. Don't embarass yourself or do anything illegal (people will do the craziest things for drugs). Or, if you want the unpleasantness to end, do it cold turkey. A couple of months from now, you'll smile at your current obsession.

[Bilbo]

Everything that I was going to suggest flew out the window when I read your description of how he is pursuing you. Really. While I try to do nice things for my clients, particularly if I have known them for a long time (some of them go back at least 10 years), this man is doing things for you that it would be really unreasonable for an escort to do for a client. Volunteering to do them and enjoying it.

And I think that a lot of the other people who are giving you advice are missing that.

It's good to know what your type of man is. It's good to throw it out the window because most of your husbands and fuck buddies are not going to match that description.

It would be good under other circumstances to cut off all communication with him for three months and make sure you have sex with at least one other man in the meantime. In this case, I'm afraid that that would be being mean to your man.

You really must examine what your feelings would be if you were to pair off and he still kept escorting. You mustn't try to force him to give up that, or break up with him if he fully intends to quit doing it but finds a few months down the road that he just has to go back to it. Just as if he had some other passionate pursuit. For example, I wouldn't ask a madel train afficianado to give up his trains, or an actor to give up the stage.

It would also help to examine what your feelings would be if the two of you turn out to only be fuck buddies instead of husbands, imho.

Then, yes, communication is the obvious answer. Be ready to describe your feelings/intentions and be ready to give him some space to find out what his own are, if he doesn't know already. Which would surprise me, but then, I'm a hopeless romantic.

[JT Brooklyn]

Dan..Your Situation, MOST IF not All Client's at One Time or Another have found Themselve's in, for as many reason's as you've read at least Once!

 

Your's Truly was NO Exception! LOL

 

Bottom Line..Remove the "Ka-Ching" Factor! Plain and simple!

 

The ODDS are you will Receive less Contact from him Plain & Simple, Usually it will be with the Old "I've been Busy line"! The email's will be VERY Obligatory at BEST! He might even just start "repeating back" what you have said to him! LOL

 

BUT actually what else can the Working Guy say to you?

I guess that would be better hearing, than the Guy just Blow's your emails, text's off Totally?

 

Be prepared to take your "Relationship" to the Occasional Friendly email at best! Either be able to Deal with that OR as other's have said...

Just Move On...Time Heals All! Happy Holiday's!!!!!!

[Guest Merlin]

Can you afford to continue seeing him as you are? What is the problem? You are hoping that he will fall in love with you and become more than an escort? Possible, but not likely. I suggest that you casually ask him if he has ever had a client fall in love with him, without suggesting that you are. He may indicate that he would terminate such a relationship, in which case you will know that you must not tell him unless you want to terminate. Many escorts have had clients become obssessed, and, in effect, stalkers. If he responds positively to your question, you might consider saying that he is the kind of person you might fall in love with, and see how he responds to that. But remember, he is escorting, in part at least, for the money, and may resent your attempting to get for free what he has been selling.

If you are uncomfortable with your strong feelings, and would prefer not to be so obssessed, I suggest that you hire some other escorts, without necessarily giving up on the present one. You may find that he is not as unique as you think.

[Guest Merlin]

Another possibility would be to ask him if he would ever consider moving in with someone who would pay the houselhold bills and give him an allowance. It happens, and sometimes escorts advertise that they are looking for a long term relationship with a "generous" man. Since he has another profession, a live-in might appeal to him. You might ask him how many clients he sees a week. Compute that income, subtract your guess of his apartment expense and that should give you an idea how much allowance it might take.

[Juan Vancouver]

The Devil's advocate....

 

Dear Dan,

 

First of all, let me say that I am sorry to read that you are in this situation. I can only imagine how umcomfortable it might be. I am sorry about your losing your wife, and your having to face the challenge to go back into life, love, sex, and intimacy again. But also, I have to congratulate you for having done so in such a full, brave way. As with everything in life, if you try to keep it healthy, it will only get better and better.

 

Here is my personal opinion.

 

I was raised in an environment in which being in therapy was just normal; another healthy discipline to stay clear, fit and happy. I was lucky enough to meet a few sex therapist, some of which worked with sexual surrogate partners. (Men and women who would help the patients to explore their sexuality in the ways the therapist thought necessary.) There were many rules related to being in therapy and dealing with such surrogate partners. And those rules were to be observed at all times in order to ensure that therapy was healthy and conducive to your growing to be a better human being.

 

One of the most common ocurrences when being in therapy is called transference. It means that you start projecting your emotions on your therapist. This can look in two different ways; You either start hating your therapist's guts with such strength that it is impossible to look at his face without wanting to inflict some lasting physical damage... or you could simply think that he is the greatest thing since sliced bread, that he is kind, sweet, gentle, considerate, affectionate, thoughtful, he thinks of you, he listens to you, he remembers what you said! He pays attention..... in short, you helplessly fall in love with him.

 

Both situations are -always- considered to be a way in which your psyche is avoiding to deal with your real issues. You do not love, nor hate your therapist, and you should NEVER pursue any of these feelings, and it is thought that if you do, (let's say, if you tried to start an emotional relathionship with your therapist), it would never be a successful one because of the power-imballanced way in which it began. The only thing that is recommended in such cases, is to switch therapist, and keep an eye on your projecting your emotions.

 

I have been bashed a few times whenever I say that in my personal view, escorting is very similar to therapy. But I deeply believe so. We as escorts, are given the gift to deal with the most sacred and delicate emotions, dreams, fantasies, fears, addictions, attachements. We often help people -like yourself- to re-connect with their sexuality and intimacy after a big loss. We are there to embody your fantasies and make you feel comfortable with yourself.

 

But we are doing this as a chosen profession.

 

Yes, of course your therapist is paying attentiont to you! His whole undivided attention should be yours for the whole hour your session lasts and he should be taking notes on your every word. Of course your escort reads your body and knows what is turning you on, and what is it that you need at a deep emotional level... Yes, there are a few talented young men out there how have chosen this profession because of their peculiar, mindblowing talents.

 

We are here to make you feel special. We are here to make you feel wanted, to connect with that part in yourself that is higly desirable, and sexy, and powerful and alive. But it is important that you remember that it is YOU the one who is making yourself feel like that. We are just facilitating the process. We thrive whenever you realize that you are in fact amazing. We go home happy if you realize (remember) that you are hot, and fun, and sensual and delicious exactly as you are... just because you are yourself.

 

But this is our profession.

 

It would seem to me that your escort has been doing an amazing job of facilitating your coming out of your shell. And it would also seem that you might be confounding that ease, that insight into yourself, with love. If I were your escort, I would as politely as I could let you know that we cannot see each other, and I think it is time for you to go and try other ways to explore your intimacy, other men, other scenarios.

 

Personally, I would never pursue a relathionship with a client or a therapist. The three big monsters (Money, sex and power) are operating at their highest levels and it is likely that I would be totally unable to stay clear in such relathionship: "Does he love me, or the latin lover?", "Would he love me if I didn't have a big cock, or a nice body, or a handsome face?", "Would he find me as fascinating if I was an accountant for Sears?" "Does he love me, or Juan, the escort?"

 

Granted, we all make those questions in every single love relationship, but in this case, you are starting with them, and love is a nervous bird that needs some quiet and calm to thrive.

 

I would respectfully recommend you to cherish every single magic moment that you spent with him. Make a list of the amazing things that you learnt about YOURSELF in this year. Make a list of all the things that you want and need and hope for in a lover. Thank him for having being such an able facilitator, such an emotional alchemist, and...

 

Move on!!!

 

You are ready to go back to life, and face -this time for real- the challenges of love, intimacy and passion. You deserve a lover that will love you ONLY for who you are, not because you are paying a fee. For our customers, we escorts are excellent as sparring partners, as good practice, as a sexual laboratory, but we are not (and should not be) lovers, nor friends. We can -and should- be friendly and loving and we deeply care for you...

 

But this is our profession. And we love it.

 

Receive a tight hug and my best wishes, hoping that you will be able to move out of this episode in your life feeling empowered, whole, alive. You are ready now...

 

Bring it on!

[Louis]

RE: The Devil's advocate....

 

I agree with you very much Juan, with the things you mentioned. I had a friend who committed suicide at the age of 36. I was the last person he saw before he died, and I got an email from his brother the next day about him dying "unexpectedly". I never had sex with him, but we would share the bed over night.

Anyways getting to my point about what you mentioned about escorts being like therapists. I made arrangements to see Jared in Toronto. I mentioned to him what had happend, and Jared really helped me during a difficult time. I needed someone to be close to and share with, and Jared really came through for me. I cannot truly express the gratitude that I have for him, and his personal qualities.

Louis

[jeddinger]

On a somewhat lighter note, I've followed and had success with the old adage; "The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody!"

 

Not to trivialize your situation, but expanding your social and sexual circles can often help you discover your true feelings. Is it that you really love this person or are you simply looking for someone to fall in love with?

 

I agree with the advice to cut the funding and see where the relationship goes. In that case you may not need to let him know after all. I'd think you'd want to be with someone who respects and loves you for who you are rather than what you can provide financially, unless you are looking to be a sugar daddy.

[Guest TBinCHI]

Dan,

I hope you don't mind a couple more thoughts. The fact that this is the first man you have been with is very important. Juan's comments on transference are very accurate. It's entirely possible that all of the circumstances of your loss and emergence into a different dating world have culminated in your feelings towards this escort. That doesn't make them any less real, but, you have to factor this into the equation. Have you been with other men? If not, frankly, I think you need to be in order to further understand the reality of your feelings for this particular escort.

 

That said, the fact that the escort is sharing so much with you is also an important clue. Ongoing communication is one thing - and, frankly, the best escorts, in my opinion, are the ones who are willing to engage in an ongoing dialogue with their clients - but what you've described is above and beyond what I would reasonably expect of an escort. All of the things that you've described (birthday cake, card, and present) are things that friends and lovers do. It is certainly not unreasonable that you've developed feelings for a man who has treated you as warmly and intimately as this escort has treated you. BUT, and this is a big but, it is possible that the escort believes he is establishing a friendship with you as opposed to a love relationship. If I were in your position, I would probably approach the escort by telling him how much you are enjoying the relationship but that you need to be careful lest you fall in love. His reaction to that will tell you where you are with him and lead you in the right direction.

 

Last, thank you for sharing this with us. It should remind all of us, both escorts and clients, that boundaries can easily be crossed, and feelings can easily grow, even when intentions are opposite.

[JT Brooklyn]

jed...BOTTOM LINE! ..You said it all!

 

You don't come from Brooklyn do you? LOL :P

[+ Charlie]

Dan,

The good news is that this guy obviously likes you, or he wouldn't be doing all those nice things for you. The bad news is that you have no way of knowing whether he likes you primarily as a client, or is trying to signal that he'd like you as a fuckbuddy/friend, or really feels the same sort of intoxicating passion for you that you feel for him. As someone who has slept with a lot more men and hired a lot more escorts than you have, my experience tells me that the second and third alternatives are fairly improbable, though not impossible. But the only way you will know--if you really want to know, and I'm not sure that you do, since fantasizing about a potential love affair in itself is so pleasing--is if you ask whether he is interested in changing the nature of the relationship from escort/client to something else. If he doesn't immediately say yes, then he hasn't thought about it the way you have, and is probably happy with the relationship as it is, since he could have suggested the change himself if that's what he wanted (he hasn't HAD to accept your money every time you have sex). And you are going to feel badly deflated. No matter what he says, the moment you ask, the current relationship will be over and cannot be revived. Are you willing to accept that?

 

I think all the advice from the other posters has been good, even when it is contradictory, because there is always ambiguity in this sort of situation.

[best hotel]

...i have also been...and happily continue to be...in your shoes....get your boundaries in check, lower your expectations, expect maturity from him, be honest with your self, keep paying for his time, let go of your scripts about what is supposed to happen when you fall in love, and enjoy...it has been working for me for years now and i have no regrets...i think it works for my escort too....he likes me and appreciates the consistency of my appointments.....which are weekly....based on what i have had in 'real relationships' in the past,including 2 marriages and one major boyfriend, weekly passion with the heart soaring is too good to screw up with insecurity or imaginary rejection...and the honesty and simplicity of the unspoken contract between us is refreshing...it is not really different than financially supporting a wife...except alot cheaper..and you get to bottom

[luczen]

Dan ,

I have been in your situation long time ago ; I felt in love with an escort ;I never told him but I tried to find out how he would react . He was bisexual and he told me he would never live with a man .

So I saw him on a weekly basis ; the sex was very good he learned me a lot of things ; I continued to see him over several years but as someone on this boars told about that hormone oxytocin my love faded away after 3 years ; I continued to see him have sex with him and I have for more than 10 years ; but now I meet other escorts and there is a kind of friendship that remains ; so that is another solution to your situation .

Once in a week fantastic sex with someone you love ; that's not bad

[JT Brooklyn]

luczen..I'm sure your Experience is Memorable. For most "Once a Week"

with the Right Guy, is truly Admirable.

 

I could see where LOVE must have been in the equation. Also how TIME would definitely change things also.

 

There are many stories around here, some may be told, other's too Personal to be told. Thank You for yours.

 

:P