Is Dating an Escort Advisable?

[nice guy]

A guy I'm dating sprung the news on me last night that he is an escort. I like him a lot. But upon hearing that revelation, my heart sank. I know it's hypocritical to have a negative judgement upon hearing that because I've hired many escorts myself over the past year. The negative reaction wasn't because I think what he's doing is wrong, but because I don't see how we could have a relationship. He said that he intends to keep escorting until he's in a "long term relationship." But he couldn't say whether that would be in a matter of months or longer.

 

We have something between us, of that I'm sure. But I'm a jealous man. It didn't bother him that I've hired escorts, but he didn't want to know which ones. I don't see how I could date him knowing he's being with other men. He tried to calm my concerns and told me in about 10 different ways that he can separate our relationship from what he does with his clients. Escorts, is that possible? If I decide to continue this, any advice for me/us? Doesn't escorting provide challenges to your ability to have a steady relationship?

 

My heart says "go for it," but my brain says "you're going to get hurt."

[HotdadENYC]

And yet another provocative post !

 

I am not an escort, but I am curious, "nice guy", if YOU intend to keep hiring escorts while you continue to date this fellow?

 

In another thread, you anticipate securing a 4 hour session with an escort and I'm just wondering how your friend would feel about that. Or do you plan to let him know that you will continue to hire?

 

I am, by no means, an expert on the dynamics of a relationship, especially one such as this, but this sounds a bit like "double standard" to me.

[nice guy]

I meant to comment on exactly that in my posting...but obviously forgot. Will I keep hiring escorts while (IF) dating him? Hmmm. I'm conflicted about it. If he stopped escorting, which is not the kind of "change for me" advice Ann Landers would recommend, then I definitely would stop hiring escorts. If he continues escorting, I guess I could keep hiring, but personally, if I'm in a relationship, I wouldn't want to. But without exclusivity on both our parts, I'm not sure what I'll do. I had planned to hire numerous escorts during December before my self-imposed hiring freeze took effect. I would drop those plans immediately if he said he'd stop escorting. Shit! I can already see this is going to be a disaster!

 

Maybe I should offer to start paying him every time we have sex if he'd stop seeing other guys! At least we'd keep the money in house.

[guyinsf]

It sounds like you personally know, from a client's perspective, that what goes on between a client and escort, even in an ongoing hiring relationship of some kind, is different than a relationship between lovers or boyfriends. So, with that knowledge, I don't see that it should bother you that your potential new boyfriend is an escort if your concerns are about what kind(s) of relationships he is having with his clients. That being said, maybe the real problem for you is that once you find someone you want to date, you want him to be available to sleep with you very frequently. (That is obviously a common desire and practice!) A successful escort, particularly one who does a lot of overnight and longer appointments, may simply not be available to meet your needs in the way you want them met.

 

Only you can decide whether it makes sense to explore what could happen between you and this potential boyfriend by taking the risk to date him and see if you two (a) fall in love with each other and (b) decide to stop seeing other people, including client-escort encounters. I imagine that if I were confronted with a similar situation, I would cautiously explore the relationship. Who knows what will happen -- what feelings you will develop toward one another and what decisions you each will make about your lives? You won't know what the potential is unless you explore it. If it sounds like too much of an emotional risk for you to take -- or you simply know that you don't want to even casually date someone who is an escort -- then it seems like your choice is clear: have sex with the stud for free when you can but don't think of him as anyone beyond a "sex buddy."

[Guest LatinoRican]

>I meant to comment on exactly that in my posting...but

>obviously forgot. Will I keep hiring escorts while (IF)

>dating him? Hmmm. I'm conflicted about it. If he stopped

>escorting, which is not the kind of "change for me" advice Ann

>Landers would recommend, then I definitely would stop hiring

>escorts. If he continues escorting, I guess I could keep

>hiring, but personally, if I'm in a relationship, I wouldn't

>want to. But without exclusivity on both our parts, I'm not

>sure what I'll do. I had planned to hire numerous escorts

>during December before my self-imposed hiring freeze took

>effect. I would drop those plans immediately if he said he'd

>stop escorting. Shit! I can already see this is going to be

>a disaster!

>

>Maybe I should offer to start paying him every time we have

>sex if he'd stop seeing other guys! At least we'd keep the

>money in house.

 

 

Your last remark reminds me of the movie "Irma la Douce" with a very young Shirley McLaine and Jack Lemmon. She was a prostitute in France and he falls in love with her. So, he dons a disguise as a

distinguished gentleman and pays her for only talking to him, thus providing the money she needs without her having sex with other men.

At the end of the day, he would leave, change his clothes and come back as he really was. She would show him the money that she had made during the day with the distinguished gentleman and both were happy.

I do not remember the end, but I do think that they finally went their separate ways... Good luck.

[Flower]

>My heart says "go for it," but my brain says "you're going to

>get hurt."

 

Seems to me that jealousy is poison to any relationship, and somehow I doubt that it will stop if he stopped escorting--it usually doesn't confine itself to just one facet of life.

 

I'm think that jealous people are reflecting their own insecurities about themselves and if he is hot enough to be escorting, then you'll be wondering about whatever he does if you aren't involved. What if he had a "day job" that involved him coming into constant contact with other younger (than yourself) hot guys or meeting guys at the gym or whatever. I see nothing wrong with dating an escort, but YOU have to be able to handle it--it's your jealousy not his, and it's the jealousy that's the problem. I doubt it will go away. Again, just an opinion an observation.

[TotallyOz]

Flower. Great post!

 

As some one who was a lover of an escort for 5 years, I can speak to this. In the beginning it is difficult. Your mind wonders and you are insecure about the relationship and the trust is just building up. The longer you are together, the more trust you will have and the stronger binds you will have.

 

Saying that, I have never been interested in a monomogous relationship. I like one that is open with rules and boundaries. The main boundary is honesty. He was honest in telling you what he did. That is a big step for him. Don't close those lines and make it more difficult for him.

 

I have not met many gay couples who have been together for years who are totally monomogous. You have a guy who you like. He is an escort. He is not looking for a lover with clients. He is working to make money. Even if you can afford to take him away from it all, that is not always the best. He needs to earn and contribute as well. As most gay men fuck around anyway, are you not comforted in the fact that at least he is sleeping with guys for money as opposed for the joy and pleasure of the a hot lay at a bath house. (not that there is anything wrong with that as well) I guess my point is, if you know he cares for you and loves you, why care about the escorting? At the end of each day, can you look in the mirror and say, "I am happy?" If so, go for it!

[Flower]

I agree. There has been many posts here re younger w/ older relationships; client w/ escort relaionships, etc., and every time I see them, I think that especially for an older guy and younger to be together in a relationship that will survive, they have to agree to have an open relationship. It's unrealistic for anyone to think that the younger guy especially, isn't going to want to take a tumble in the hay with eye candy now and then, no matter how otherwise satisfying the relationship is for him.

[VaHawk]

I agree. There has been many posts

>here re younger w/ older relationships; client w/ escort

>relaionships, etc., and every time I see them, I think that

>especially for an older guy and younger to be together in a

>relationship that will survive, they have to agree to have an

>open relationship. It's unrealistic for anyone to think that

>the younger guy especially, isn't going to want to take a

>tumble in the hay with eye candy now and then, no matter how

>otherwise satisfying the relationship is for him.

 

Isn't that logic one of the main points of the anti-gay marriage opponents? How many marriages between a str8 man and woman do you suppose has the caveat that the marriage should be an "open relationship" where the wife and/or husband are "free" to have sexual encounters with others? For that matter, how many gay relationships do you suppose has the caveat that the relationship should be open?

 

Str8 or gay, an "open relationship" has to be something that is mutually acceptable to both parties, and if either party has a problem with that, then the relationship is doomed from the start. And the fact that one of the parties is earning a living as an escort, doesn't exclude them from that agreement.

 

And your supposition that the older/younger coupling has to engage in an open relationship in order to survive is convoluted, at best. And to further state that the younger man is the only one who should not be expected to "tumble with eye candy" is even more ridiculous and even more ageist!

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

An Escort Answers

 

Is it adviseable? Yes, of course, why not?

 

The better question would really be Is it adviseable for you? Given the minimal information you provided, I think you have gotten some reasonable and intuitive responses from your fellow clients. There are some decisions you need to make, about monogamy, about any other differences in your prospective relationship (age, self-esteem issues, etc.) and then decide their importance to you and discuss them with your friend.

 

As in nearly all human relationships, communication is the key. Frankly, in any day and age but particularly this one, and in any size town or community, it can be difficult enough for two gay men to meet, find out they like one another, are interested in pursuing something with each other and then for them to do so with any measure of success. I think before you decide not to pursue something with this gentlemen, you need to determine if you are better off without him in your life than with him in it.

 

Now, on a personal perspective, I will state you have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Even when I dated someone who appeared in, and also worked behind the camera in adult films, he had a problem more with the demands on my time than the actual physical acts I was engaging in, but it boiled down to a sense of jealousy. Even if an escort did not do overnights, an escorts busy time is the evening and the weekend, when most people are used to being with the person they are dating. I also think there was some standard jealousy but other problems doomed our relationship.

 

I also find that when people approach me with an interest in dating and I tell them I have escorted, generally the interest wanes. Or it goes away once they exhaust their curiousity and gratify their questions.

 

In any event, good luck to you and keep us posted.

[Flower]

>Isn't that logic one of the main points of the anti-gay

>marriage opponents?

***

>

>And your supposition*** is

>convoluted, at best. more ridiculous and even more ageist!

 

So much for not responding to each other's posts as you suggested

 

First, nowhere did I mention marriage--READ MY LIPS: "RELATIONSHIP" is the operative word of my post. As far as I know, the original poster didn't mention nor contemplate MARRIAGE--where do you get MARRIAGE?

 

Second, while I stated that I thought the younger guy would be more likely need to romp, I did not foreclose the older--I specifically stated they BOTH agree to an open relationship.

 

Third, I agree that any relationship has to have mutual understandings, and although I'm aware of many open marriages between straights, THAT IS NOT THE POINT OF MY POST!! So What.

 

Forth, if you are so concerned abbot appeasing the straight world and look to them as your standard bearer for right and wrong, there are an abundant number of hetero couples, UNMARRIED, but in RELATIONSHIPS open or unopen--but again, not the point of my post. I was speaking to the coupling of an older and younger man and the special problems that it presents and when it is an escort, the younger man is usually eyecandy for the older but not visa versa--but I said USUALLY!

 

Fifth, while I'm ALL TOO cognizant of what the straight world thinks, my opinions and belief structure are not necessarily based on what others may think or approve of.

 

I think one of the problems is that you don't read posts carefully enough--your response here has NOTHING to do with what I wrote, yet in your haste to criticize me, you ignore that little fact!

 

You have herein called my ideas convoluted, "ageist," and ridiculous--you could have just as easy disagreed without the attacks. You will note that I have NOT responded in kind.

[KY_TOP]

RE: An Escort Answers

 

>he had a problem more with the demands on my time than the

>actual physical acts I was engaging in, but it boiled down to

>a sense of jealousy. Even if an escort did not do overnights,

>an escorts busy time is the evening and the weekend, when most

>people are used to being with the person they are dating. I

>also think there was some standard jealousy but other problems

>doomed our relationship.

>

 

Even though I just finished a relationship with an Ex-Escort, that was Escorting when we met, I have been reluctant to respond since this is the Ask Escort Section. But Franco has made some good points here, you should take into account, as has Flower. If you want him with you each evening, it is not going to happen and can you deal with knowing what he is doing while he is not there? Can you over come your admitted jealously if you are lying alone in your bed knowing he is in someone else's? Can you deal with it when he says he can't do whatever you want, go to diiner, a movie, a play, because he "has to work"? Can you deal with it if for some reason he mentions one of his Clients and how nice they were or otherwise?

 

Since my relationship was a long distance one, which ultimately caused it to collapse, I continued to hire while he was Escorting, which he constantly referred to as "work". Funny thing was he was the one that was extremely jealous. But, I admit it was also hard for me. After he quit Escorting, I quit hiring and we had a monogamous relationship even though we live in different countries. Then any mention of a past Escort or Client seemed to still strike a bone with each of us.

 

Jealousy is an emotion that is not easily controled. The issue for you would seem to be can you overcome your jealousy? A question only you can answer.

 

Good Luck

[marc anthony]

RE: An Escort Answers

 

KyTop:

 

I am sorry that your relationship has ended, as I know it brought you much happiness when it was working.

 

I also want you to know that I have great respect for you and the honor that you put into it. You are a better man than I, and you withstood all possible temptation to keep your promise of monogamy.

 

All of that having been said, next time we are in MOntreal together, a backroom dance with the dancer of your choice is on me! After watching you the last time throw big money onto the stage as tips because you were foregoing the real fun things, it is the least I can do!

[Vincent_Michael]

Can you date a client or escort?

 

Yes and No, First if he started the relationship without charging you then at lest you know he is honest and telling you the truth so you wont be shocked later though I don’t like that he waited for a few dates to tell you. Even if he is the most honest and carring person it is going to be hard due to him having to be gone allot or possible being with others while you know about it. As for him not wanting to stop until he is in a LTR I understand but at the same time I don’t. He is saying that yes he wants something but doesn’t want to give up his income for a maybe. I don’t understand because I don’t consider anyone I date a BF and it’s the process of getting to know another and make clear judgments if you want to persue a more serious relationship. However once you both decide you have dated and understand this is something he wants to pursue then he should stop.

 

People I date often ask me what’s the difference between me and the client; I always say not a damn thing! I cant imagine treating someone differently at all because of the job however I am looking for a relationship as well and I am a realistic person about what I do and how I have goals and im not going to stop until im dead or there done. That being said I would date some clients given time, however I in no way want a surger daddy.

 

I would say be friends and hang out and once he stops try dating but this is not the time if you are not going to be conferrable with his profession.

[Vincent_Michael]

Yes you should keep hiring your dating and not in a relationship yet with rules. If there are rules already after a short spat of dating then that is way to much controle.

[Vincent_Michael]

Jealous? I think it doesn’t matter if he stops or not you are always going to be jealous as I am a jealous person too.

 

I understand and after I have been escorting for sometime I don’t think it matters if I had the hottest guy on earth I can say that I would want a semi open relationship…not because of me alone but shit were men for gods sake!

[Rick Munroe]

>shit were men for gods sake!

 

Hmmm....grammatically, shouldn't that be "shit was men"? I'm not sure...

[Rick Munroe]

I've been in a relationship with an escort for quite some time now and there has never been a problem (although, he just mumbled something about my being high maintenance...but I'm not really sure what he was talking about and I am not going to ask).

[guyinsf]

I assume you're joking, Rick, but I think he meant to write either "shit, we're men" or, less likely, "men are shit."

 

>>shit were men for gods sake!

>

>Hmmm....grammatically, shouldn't that be "shit was

>men"? I'm not sure...

[Rick Munroe]

>I assume you're joking, Rick,

 

You assume correctly, Grasshopper.

[nice guy]

Frankly, I'm surprised at how insightful the comments are from the vast majority of the people who post here. Perhaps that surprise meant that I harbored a negative opinion of escorts and those who hire them (myself included). Oh well, there is still some remnants of my brainwashed Catholic upbringing that haven't quite been expunged. When I began hiring escorts last year, I felt that it was "wrong," but oh, it felt soooo good. I still remember a priest's sermon in which he said something like "If it feels that good, it must be wrong!" I think he was talking about drugs but even at 13 years old, that sounded strange to me. Excuse the rambling, back to my point.

 

I suppose that introduction did serve a purpose. My upbringing made me a very straight-laced, traditional sort of person. Of course, I'm gay, but I still am old-fashioned (or uptight, depending on your viewpoint) and always want monogamous relationships. Here's a revealing story. During my first relationship many years ago, my lover (10 years my senior) talked me into trying a three-way. At the first sight of my lover sucking the dick of this other guy, I lost it. I think I ran away crying and broke off the relationship immediately. I look back and laugh at that now.

 

If my relationship with the escort continues, my jealousy (some posters say it reflects insecurity, and I'm sure that's part of it) will be an issue. I've gotten considerably better with this over the years. Part of that occured when I had a lover who was insanely jealous of me, and while I found that "cute" at first, it eventually destroyed our relationship because he always thought I was cheating on him (I wasn't). So I try to keep that in check. But it's not gone. For example, when he revealed that he's an escort, I went to this site and read his reviews. Big mistake! Yes, it upset me. Right there, it tells me that I probably can't handle the knowledge that he's having sex with other men.

 

However (and yes, I'm speaking out of both sides of my mouth now), I am going to give this relationship a chance. "Nothing ventured, nothing gained," is one of my life credos. Many of the most adventurous and bold life opportunities I've made have not gone the way I'd hoped...but when I reflect upon my life, those times are some of the finest memories I have. Because they were stimulating, not dull, invigorating...in other words, made me feel alive. So for this reason above all others, I'm going to try this with him and see if it works. I do not want to turn out like my father who spends his old age spouting off about how he wished he'd done this, that or the other. I don't know how I'm going to deal with this, but love, or the possibility of love, is usually worth pursuing. I'm sure I'll learn something about myself in the process.

 

Thank you all for your advice and support.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

RE: An Escort Answers

 

KY,

 

Sorry to hear the news. I want to second all of Marc sentiments and look forward to seeing you again in Montreal.

 

>Then any mention of a past Escort or Client

>seemed to still strike a bone with each of us.

 

This is a very interesting observation given that each of you seemed so well grounded all around and each knowledgable about the transactional side of the escort scene.

 

I owe you some dances.

[+ deej]

I've held my tounge on this thread, but there's a saying that applies: If you have to ask the price, you probably can't afford it.

 

The fact that you're asking the question means it's more important to you than you thought. If it wasn't an issue, you wouldn't be asking.

 

These are issues that are on YOUR plate, not his. It's unfair to him to make him deal with them because you can't guarantee him the outcome he's hoping for.

 

You have "things" to outgrow, and you've admitted them here. They'll be there in any relationship (escort or not) until you've outgrown them.

 

Call me hard-hearted Hannah if you like, but if you have to ask the question you probably shouldn't be in a relationship with an escort.

[KY_TOP]

RE: An Escort Answers

 

>I am sorry that your relationship has ended, as I know it

>brought you much happiness when it was working.

>

>I also want you to know that I have great respect for you and

>the honor that you put into it. You are a better man than I,

>and you withstood all possible temptation to keep your promise

>of monogamy.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. It is a part of my life I will always cherish and filled my life with more happiness and fullness than I would have thought possible.

 

>All of that having been said, next time we are in MOntreal

>together, a backroom dance with the dancer of your choice is

>on me! After watching you the last time throw big money onto

>the stage as tips because you were foregoing the real fun

>things, it is the least I can do!

 

It's a deal. Just let me know when you'll be there. You know how much I love the City.

[KY_TOP]

RE: An Escort Answers

 

>

>Sorry to hear the news. I want to second all of Marc

>sentiments and look forward to seeing you again in Montreal.

 

Appreciate your thoughts. Being in Montreal with all my Hooville friends is always a great time. I am sure we will cross paths there soon.

 

>>Then any mention of a past Escort or Client

>>seemed to still strike a bone with each of us.

>

>This is a very interesting observation given that each of you

>seemed so well grounded all around and each knowledgable about

>the transactional side of the escort scene.

 

Sometimes it is just not as easy as one would hope to get past our past. But it did not cause us to part. We just couldn't get past the Geography and the directions that was taking each of our lives.

 

>I owe you some dances.

 

I'll take you up on it. Wonder if energetic Antoine is still at Taboo?