Discrepancy of income between friends…

[+ WilliamM]

On 10/6/2022 at 12:24 PM, Charlie said:

I am dealing with the same conundrum at this time, but for a somewhat different reason. I have a woman friend who has been my regular tennis partner for a number of years. She has never had much money, but when I met her she had what many people would consider a glamorous lifestyle. She lived on the weekends with a sexy husband in Palm Springs, who had his own glamorous but not financially sound career (race car photographer). During the week she lived in San Francisco, where she owned a small public relations business. She had to close the business, because now she lives fulltime in PS with same husband, who has become a semi-invalid and is almost completely dependent on her, and pretty grouchy about it.

She used to be very social, involved in all sorts of community activities, but I have noticed lately that she has become unusually quiet and probably depressed. I was particularly aware of that yesterday, when we were playing with a couple of friends of ours, each of whom was talking about their recent frequent travels, and the simultaneous major remodeling of their homes. She and her husband lost their house during the Great Recession, and they now live in a rental. I don't know what their income is, but I suspect it is small and not altogether dependable.

She drives a 1998 Honda, and she became almost hysterical a few months ago when she was having car trouble, so I offered to loan her $1000 to deal with it; she accepted it gratefully, and she still hasn't paid me back. When she is ready to do so, I am considering telling her to use the money instead to indulge in something like a weekend at a resort to restore her spirits, but I wonder if she would consider that condescending. She has always been fiercely proud of her ability to take care of herself and others, and I don't want to add offense to injury.

Definitely help her financially. As an aside: how awful to live in a rental in Palm Springs. Poor sole.

[+ Charlie]

2 hours ago, WilliamM said:

Definitely help her financially. As an aside: how awful to live in a rental in Palm Springs. Poor sole.

There are plenty of rentals in Palm Springs that are as depressing to live in as they would be in the poorer neighborhoods of any town.

[+ purplekow]

6 hours ago, WilliamM said:

Definitely help her financially. As an aside: how awful to live in a rental in Palm Springs. Poor sole.

Well the fresh fish in Palm Springs may not be so good.  But as long as you are not a heel to her, she will not be a sole soul.  

Edited October 9, 2022 by purplekow

[arnie]

I used to be friends with this wealthy couple.  They were very aware of our financial situation which was firmly upper middle class but not wealthy.  It was fun joining them because they were patrons of the opera etc, so when we joined them, they would drive and have preferred parking.  If anyone has been to Tanglewood in the Berkshires, that means like 200 feet from the shed and direct exit,, not a 20 minute hike and  an hour sitting to get out of the lot.  As they had season tickets, they could get us last minute seats to join them. At Tanglewood the top seats were less than $100 so no real problem but at the opera  we would opt for the $200 seats, not the $500 ones they enjoyed, and that was fine.  

[LookingAround]

On 10/9/2022 at 10:19 AM, WilliamM said:

Definitely help her financially. As an aside: how awful to live in a rental in Palm Springs. Poor sole.

As in fish?

[Rod Hagen]

On 10/6/2022 at 9:24 AM, Charlie said:

so I offered to loan her $1000 to deal with it; she accepted it gratefully, and she still hasn't paid me back. When she is ready to do so, I am considering telling her to use 

When it's a friend or family and you can afford it, gift, don't loan.  Loans create problems and seething resentments between the best of us.  If they are proud and push back against the gift, promising to pay you back in time, try to come up with some bullshit compensation that isn't money, but is of value to both of you. 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Rod Hagen

[+ Coolwave35]

3 hours ago, Rod Hagen said:

When it's a friend or family and you can afford it, gift, don't loan.  Loans create problems and seething resentments between the best of us.  If they are proud and push back against the gift, promising to pay you back in time, try to come up with some bullshit compensation that isn't money, but is of value to both of you. 

So I can’t figure out how to appropriately quote the original poster so I’m quoting you by mistake sorry!  
 

To build on that, if you are planning to forgive it, just tell her now, not when she finally scrapes it together to be able to repay you. She’s probably stressing hard about paying you back, and if you’re in a position to absolve her of that worry, I say do it sooner rather than later. 

Edited October 11, 2022 by Coolwave35

[+ Pensant]

20 hours ago, Rod Hagen said:

When it's a friend or family and you can afford it, gift, don't loan.  Loans create problems and seething resentments between the best of us.  If they are proud and push back against the gift, promising to pay you back in time, try to come up with some bullshit compensation that isn't money, but is of value to both of you. 

I agree. About 7 years ago my best friend from high school asked if he could borrow $5,000. He even offered to put his consulting company trademark and IP in escrow for me (not sure of its value). He didn’t want his wife to know, so I wired it into his private account. When it came time for the repayment, he awkwardly asked for an extension. I didn’t like where this was going, so I told him it was a gift and added that “I know you’d do the same if the situation was reversed”. He was deeply relieved. We’ve never mentioned and continued our 50-year friendship.

[+ Charlie]

When I offered her the money, she made it clear that she wanted it to be a loan. I don't know whether she was afraid that her husband would be upset (technically, it is his car) about her taking a large gift from me, or whether she was just uncomfortable about needing the help. I suspect she may need to believe that she could pay me back before I decline to accept the payment. I like the suggestion that I tell her to hold onto the money in case she needs it again, although I think splurging on something self-indulgent would be good for her.

Edited October 13, 2022 by Charlie