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Seeking Hooville's Advice


jawjateck
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Long time posters may remember me as someone who used to hire and review alot of guys for Daddy and formerly Hooboy. During the past year, I stopped hiring except for a couple of craigslist masseurs, and while I never left Daddys, I went into casual lurking mode around here.

 

Recently, I met a bright, 28yo, handsome, muscled guy who caught my attention, and apparently, I caught his too. While I have met great guys through this website, I have lost interest in hiring different guys, and am looking for one steady fella. He seems to be the one. Neither of us are interested in a relationship. We are not living together. In fact, we live an hour's drive apart. I have my work. He has his job, which he enjoys and intends to keep. We are not interested in controlling each other nor make demands of the other. We agreed that whatever we do together will be fun for both of us; if it's not fun for both, then it's just not fun. We enjoy getting together from time to time (will probably be 3-5 times a month), hanging out, dinner, movies; we may eventually travel together, and of course, we enjoy sexing it up. Whew, the dude is passionate!! }(

 

He seems to genuinely like and respect me as a person, and has been looking for someone "grounded" to help him along in life. Money yes, but also advice, and maybe helping to open doors for him in the future.

 

This kind of arrangement is new to me, but not to some of my fellow Hoovillians. What advice could y'all give me in this situation? He has never done anything like this before, and doesn't have any idea what financial considerations would be fair. Do you have any ideas of how to compensate him for his time or interesting ways to help him financially, or gifts to keep him feeling special? Any suggestions on keeping it fresh? Can you share some pitfalls, trouble signs, or warnings I need to be aware of?

 

Thanks guys and Merry Christmas!

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hey Jawjateck, First off, congrats on finding someone who's so special to you. Guys like this don't come along that frequently but when they do, hold on to them. Good luck!

 

I'm in a very similar situation as you. I've been seeing a young man (not an escort) for over a year and things are still going strong.

 

Personally, I don't feel comfortable getting into my relationship on a public forum but I will try to give you some general advice that keeps things going well for us.

 

You asked about compensation: Since your friend is not an escort, did you tell him that you would "take care of him" in return for his affection? If so, gifts and money are of equally importance. Listen carefully to the things he enjoys doing or needs and use that information to purchase him gifts that will make him feel very special... As for cash contributions: does he have a student or car loan that you can help him with? Make the cash gifts look like personal help rather than compensation for his time.

 

How to keep it "fresh"? ... A few suggestions: Plan your day and give him choices. Movies, shows, dinner, sports, museums, etc are the obvious, but making a home cooked meal together and renting a movie can provide a romantic evening at home... Also, show interest in the things he does. I took up golf because my friend enjoys it so much and he's toured Wall Street with me and has learned a lot about investments because that's my background. Share your talents/interests... Do you know people who are in similar situations? If so, it's fun to go out and be with people who are comfortable with your arrangement. My friend and I had a wonderful dinner with former board member Marc Anthony and his companion. The two young men got along very well. I've met up with other board members who have young men (not escorts) in their lives... Suggestion, first make sure your friend is comfortable in this type of situation.

 

You also asked about "pitfalls" and "trouble signs"... If you detect something try talking about it, maybe it's nothing, however, not returning messages, avoiding seeing you, or limiting the sex are possible signs. You won't know till you ask... What I've learned here is: no pressure or expectations. Enjoy your time together. When you love someone it's often easy to overlook the "little things", when you find yourself falling out of love, the "little things" will start to play a bigger role.

 

I'm sure others here can offer more advice but if you have any questions on anything I've written, just ask.

 

Good luck.

Coop

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Welcome back, jawja.

 

I think the real key is your statement, "Neither of us IS interested in a relationship" (sorry: the English professor in me couldn't resist). There are all sorts of relationships, and what you describe is one of them. The question is whether (1) both of you understand the same thing by that statement, and (2) both of you will continue to feel that way about your situation as time passes. Although you are paying him in some way, you sound like you want to think of the relationship as fuck buddies or mentor/protege, rather than client/escort. Fuck buddies are usually equals, but because of the age and financial difference, that is hard to maintain in this situation. In a mentor/protege relationship, the mentor has to accept that the protege will eventually move on; no matter how grateful he may be for the financial help, ultimately he will want to be independent, if he has any self-respect, and if you don't allow the relationship to change, he will resent it and try to escape. Ideally, this could develop into a fuck buddy relationship.

 

However, my observation has been that when two men say they don't want a relationship, at least one of them is lying to himself. It is hard to maintain a sexual+social relationship with someone without developing an emotional interest in him, and hard to discuss one's feelings honestly with the other person if both have made a declaration against any commitment. Before you invest too much of your money and emotion in this relationship, I think you two need to talk more frankly about what you are both getting into.

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>Before you invest too much of your money and emotion in this

>relationship, I think you two need to talk more frankly about

>what you are both getting into.

 

 

It wasn't clear in his post that he's still paying the guy (I may be dense and have missed it but I read it twice) but if he is, there is no way he can honestly judge the nature of the relationship. As long as he's paying the guy, the guy's behavior towards him is suspect - and I don't mean that in the pejorative sense.

 

Any interpersonal relationship that has meaning is built on honesty. If money is trading hands, then the guy knows he has to be nice to keep the gravy train running.

 

Granted, the guy might actually like the client and enjoy his company, however, it's also very possible that if money weren't involved, the "relationship" would be very very different.

 

Paying someone to fuck your ass into oblivion is one thing, paying them to be your friend is something entirely different - and sad.

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I don't think you are reading jawja's second and third paragraphs very carefully, if you don't think it's clear that money or other financial compensation will be changing hands, in one direction. That said, a cynic may interpret this as trying to buy friendship, but it sounds like jawja wants to give things to this young man because he likes him, which is what prompted me to tell him to look more closely at his own emotional investment in the relationship.

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Guest zipperzone

>It wasn't clear in his post that he's still paying the guy (I

>may be dense and have missed it but I read it twice)

 

I think you did miss it. Although it is not definitely stated, it's there if you read between the lines.

 

He said... "has been looking for someone grounded to help him along in life. MONEY YES, but also advice...."

 

He then goes on to say... "He has never done anything like this before and doesn't have any idea WHAT FINANCIAL CONSIDERATIONS WOULD BE FAIR"

 

Call it what you will, but to me his "friend" sounds like an escort in training. Money has clearly been discussed. Someone is burying their head in the sand here.

 

And if they are only planning to see each other a few times a month, who's to say if the "friend" doesn't have similar arrangements with other "mentors".. I hope he's good at keeping his schedules straight.

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this can work. I've been in an "exclusive" escort arrangement for nearly two years and it's been great for both of us. He doesn't see any other clients and I only see other escorts when he is with me. It's not cheap (depending on the quality of guy you choose) but it's been a great experience so far.

 

Also important to note that I am in a "regular" long-term relationship and the escort relationship is on a different level and actually has enhanced my traditional relationship in some ways. Save the analysis couch for another post, please!

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>yes I do.

 

Actually, you don't.

 

You aren't with him every single minute of every day. It's possible that he's faithful to you but it's also possible I will win the lottery tomorrow.

 

We're suppose to believe that a guy who had clients before you has told every single solitary one of them he's not available because he's being "faithful" to a client.

 

<cue hysterical laughter>

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First off, I want to say, glad to hear from you. You were always a reliable and valued source on this board when you were hiring. And a damned good review writer, at that. Your review of Devon Roff alone was enough for me to buy the boy a ticket out West.... Have yet to cash it in, but I've got all Spring....

 

But about your real question...... have to say, quite honestly, that that sounds like a sweet deal to me. One I would like to happen onto at this point in my life. Lord knows, I have always been used to paying.... even with my friends. I have always made more money and have always been, shall we say, generous. Maybe that is low self esteem and buying people, but maybe, just maybe, it is the need to take care of the people you love or just being a show off... who knows?? I am a "fixer" and I have learned that not everyone can be fixed, that you can't make people want the same things that you do..... but every once and again, some one does come along that appreciates it and that makes it all worthwhile.

 

And some of it for me was control. That's why the transition from boyfriends to escorts was so damned easy.... (and with better sex!!!! mostly)... I paid before and I am paying now, without the emotional issues.... the jealousy, the insecurity, the doubt.... just eat your ass, here's the cash... and a few rockin' dvds for nights like this.

 

Seriously, I wish you the best. If he is hustling you, you will know soon enough. This ain't your first time at the rodeo. Just talk to him... about his life and his expenses etc and then take care of some of them... see how he reacts. If that isn't enough, you'll know what he is really after.

 

My real advice is lead with your wallet, but keep your heart in your back pocket.

 

Okie

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You seem like a really nice person. I wish

you the best of luck with this guy.

 

I'm sure you already know to keep your

feelings divorced from your pocketbook or

both may end up in bad shape. With escorts,

I often buy gifts. Personalized gifts are

a nice surprise. However, my real "friends"

don't need gifts. They just like my company

and I like theirs. I try not to blur the

lines with escorts into friendships because

having to pay more and more (or always buy

things) to keep a friend is not to me what

a friendship is about.

 

Understanding that, seeing him exclusively

is an option and he does sound like he's

new at this, since most escorts I know

would cost at least in the low 5 figures

per year to see 3-5 times per month and

that can get expensive.

 

The one thing I would avoid is having to

book increasingly expensive trips or pay

him more and more or buy expensive gifts

to keep him around. None of that will

make the relationship last longer.

 

Whatever you decide to do, I hope you enjoy

your time together with him. Have a great

holiday and best wishes to you.

 

Lookin4hotties

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before i comment, a note to okliehomo: get devon roff's ass to oklahoma as fast as you can. i hired him last march and he is one great time. i keep hoping to get back to florida to enjoy his company again.

 

i, too, am in such a relationship. the escort got caught in a money problem and for a few months did some escorting. we hit it off well and i am his only client; how do i know? he has a boy friend and if california reverses itself, they plan to get married and have children. the boy friend knows about me and while not totally comfortable with it at first, has accepted our relationship. if they do get married, i would expect the sex part of our relationship to stop (thank you california voters).

 

i hire him for weekends and pay his original rate; i know he needs the money so i do not mind it and i can afford it. for me the sex is wonderful but even more, he is a great companion. he is intelligent, creative and fun to be around. he has been very honest with me on very personal matters. i know i enjoy his company. he seems to have the same feelings.

 

once the financial part stops, i think we will still be friends. while one never knows these things for sure, i am a fairly good judge of people and that is my feeling. when we are out, he often picks up the tab for dinner, movies, etc. he has invited me to his city for special occasions and surprised when i handed him an envelope as he expected me to be his guest. he has introduced me to many of his friends at different times and even had me to a party he gave where about 30 were there; he treats me just like one of his many friends.

 

congradulations on finding a good man; i hope it endures.

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>how do i know? he has a

>boy friend and if california reverses itself, they plan to get

>married and have children. the boy friend knows about me and

>while not totally comfortable with it at first, has accepted

>our relationship.

 

 

Good grief! Is this board populated by 14yo girls??

 

I assume the majority of the guys on this site are in their 40's and above. If that's the case, are you guys delusional???? You've lived long enough to know that, with relationships, you can never KNOW anything for sure. You can say that you trust the person but don't sound like a naive schoolgirl and say you KNOW something.

 

If this guy is taking money from you for sex it is more than likely he's taking it from someone else and just not telling you about it because he doesn't want the drama - but he does want the money.

 

It's possible everything you say is true but for you to say what you "know" something that's unknowable means you live on Planet Louise.

 

Many, if not all, of the adults on this site have known someone who had a "special relationship" with an escort and listened to all the dreary details, knowing that it was a fuel truck headed straight for the cliff. I don't know of a single one that had a happy ending. Maybe you guys are the exception but everyone always thinks they're the exception - ask any therapist.

 

I wish you guys all the best but I wouldn't put a penny of my money on there being a happy ending.

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MM: Perhaps we ought to resurrect this thread in a year and get a progress report. In the meantime, let's consider this passage from Alfred Lord Tennyson's poem In Memoriam:27, 1850:

 

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

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My current partner and I met as client and escort we have a wonderful relationship.

he has his life and I have mine.

we fell in love but more than that he has this desire to see me succeed and to grow

he gets great enjoyment from my life as it is today. he has done many things to help me along the way and has asked for nothing in return.

its been a process that needed to be navigated with great care and awareness

 

there were things that he helped me with that were vital to my life like when my truck blew up on the freeway and I need it for work he paid for the repairs.

 

there was also a vet bill for a stray dog with an infection that I had to save.

(not vital but important)

 

he built both my websites for the dog walking and escorting and does my some of my movies and photography.

which helps me have a financially secure life

He has guided me to list my goals (on paper) and asks me about them all the time in a very loving way ..........

 

"hey David why not get an IRA"(I did)

"so how about putting some money in it" (why)

" dont buy anymore jeans"(i need them)

"come on do you really need them" (no)

"are you saving your money" (yes sort of )

"well you better put some more away asap all hell is breaking loose" (things will get better)

"Just do it" (oh Ok)

(hey kurt look daddy made me the cover boy AGAIN!!) "great now i get to hear about how wonderful you are for a week" (you better know it!)

 

{just an example of the surface stuff but it goes much deeper than that}

 

he is an anchor a safe place for me to go with all my insecurities and overblown ego

he helps me stay grounded and reminds me to get humble and be grateful.

those are the most valuable gifts I have ever received in my life.

he knows me very well now and he says he has a PHD in David-SF already.

Its the David deep down inside that he loves to find out more about and as time goes on he gets to and I get to know him on a deeper level too. I am already sold on him and appreciate him for who he is.

we have a very unconventional relationship he is successful and has walked a path that has worked for him

he passes on what he has learned along the way to me so that i might not make some of those same detours he made.

 

I dont know if this helps but its my experience that these things can work in many different ways for the good of both parties as trust builds so does the bond.

the relationship and the sex just gets better and better.

so enjoy it, be kind to each other, and seek solutions that are a team effort.

 

It encourages success in a more solid way.

 

and this should allow for a deeper appreciation and respect for one another.

XO David

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"let's consider this passage from Alfred Lord Tennyson"

 

I'd happily consider Tennyson but Paul McCartney's "Can't Buy Me Love" is playing loudly on the radio, tugging at my cynical strings.

 

Just a few observations:

 

"a bright, 28yo, handsome, muscled guy"

 

But not terribly ambitious. Unless were talkin' millions, why settle for one dollar when life offers so many?

 

"am looking for one steady fella"

 

And how do you define "relationship?"

 

"Neither of us are interested in a relationship."

 

I'm smellin' some shit on a plate. Is zipperzone the 28-year-old?

 

"We are not living together."

 

On the fringes, perhaps, but not that unusual in the "married" world.

 

"We are not interested in controlling each other"

 

You say that now but wait...

 

"if it's not fun for both, then it's just not fun"

 

I believe this is the mantra for co-dependants.

 

"(He) has been looking for someone "grounded" to help him along in life. Money yes, but also advice, and maybe helping to open doors for him in the future."

 

I sure hope your name is Geffen.

 

"What advice could y'all give me in this situation?"

 

Stop talking like Paula Dean.

 

"He has never done anything like this before, and doesn't have any idea what financial considerations would be fair."

 

Now you really have described most first-time marriages. Maybe someone should consider a pre-nup?

 

"Do you have any ideas of how to compensate him for his time or interesting ways to help him financially, or gifts to keep him feeling special?

 

What? Compensation? Isn't the gift of "grounded helping," "advice," and "doors that open" payment enough for his time? Here's a special gift: a boot in the ass for that lazy, ungrateful 28-going-on-10-year-old.

 

"Any suggestions on keeping it fresh?"

 

A Ziplock baggy?

 

"Can you share some pitfalls, trouble signs, or warnings I need to be aware of?"

 

Oh, honey, you truly are lost. (Maybe you could set a price for every fuck and keep it way simple?)

 

Happy holidays!

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"I'd happily consider Tennyson but Paul McCartney's "Can't Buy Me Love" is playing loudly on the radio, tugging at my cynical strings."

 

RH, Don't listen too loudly, didn't Heather Mills walk off with about 50 million of Paul's money? Seems he didn't take his own lyrics too seriously.

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I hear he was MADLY in love with her...in the beginning.

 

Relationships are complicated. Money complicates them even more. I could never fall in love with an escort. I enjoy the comfort of keeping heart-felt emotion separate from my paid sexual encounters. It makes life so much easier. But, to each his own.

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