telling someone you can't stand about a death

[Smurof]

I was the recipient of the information of a former boss of ours who died after a long cancer battle. I was very appreciative that he let me know, and put his immense displeasure of me aside to tell me something informational that would be of interest to me. In my mind, this was civil and humane.

 

On the other hand, a different former co-worker, the one who broke the news to him, also one to not at all care for me, deliberately did NOT give me the news, asking others to pass on the word. This in my mind was cowardly and class-less. I privately called him out on it, although I'm sure once he saw the message was from me, deleted it without reading.

 

Did I equally stoop to the level of the info hider, or was it o.k. for me to express my disappointment in their action (or really, non-action)?

[Redwine56]

I was the recipient of the information of a former boss of ours who died after a long cancer battle. I was very appreciative that he let me know, and put his immense displeasure of me aside to tell me something informational that would be of interest to me. In my mind, this was civil and humane.

 

On the other hand, a different former co-worker, the one who broke the news to him, also one to not at all care for me, deliberately did NOT give me the news, asking others to pass on the word. This in my mind was cowardly and class-less. I privately called him out on it, although I'm sure once he saw the message was from me, deleted it without reading.

 

Did I equally stoop to the level of the info hider, or was it o.k. for me to express my disappointment in their action (or really, non-action)?

Without knowing all of the background details, I wouldn't think it odd if I was informed about the death of someone second or third hand, even if I were on good terms with the informers. The immediate family of the dear departed has all to do to make funeral arrangements and take care of business, so it's not unusual to have others assist in communicating the news to those who may want to know in order to attend the services or pay their respect in some way. If I'm understanding your scenario coreectly, due to the bad blood between you and the original informer, you've taken it as an insult that he or she didn't inform you directly. It seems to me that this was cause to open old wounds which is what really got to you more than the fact that you received news of your former boss' death second hand. Don't let it upset you. Let it go, not worth it.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

I was the recipient of the information of a former boss of ours who died after a long cancer battle. I was very appreciative that he let me know, and put his immense displeasure of me aside to tell me something informational that would be of interest to me. In my mind, this was civil and humane.

 

On the other hand, a different former co-worker, the one who broke the news to him, also one to not at all care for me, deliberately did NOT give me the news, asking others to pass on the word. This in my mind was cowardly and class-less. I privately called him out on it, although I'm sure once he saw the message was from me, deleted it without reading.

 

Did I equally stoop to the level of the info hider, or was it o.k. for me to express my disappointment in their action (or really, non-action)?

 

When we've had co-workers pass, we often initiate a call tree to inform those that need to know. Usually the colleague closest to the deceased knows the most people that need to know. Rather than having to call 50 people to inform them of someone's passing, one might call perhaps six to ten people and ask each to call others they know to help reduce the time it takes to get everyone informed.

 

As I look at it, if the "different co-worker" asked someone to call you, and you were called, then the "different co-worker" was being respectful to you. Perhaps calling him out was out of line.

[RM]

I think you're nuts to be upset about this. Miss Manners would disapprove of your calling him out.

[+ nycman]

You’re behaving like a 2 year old.

 

Grow up.

[+ PapaTony]

You receive meaningful information regarding the passing of an important colleague but focus more on who has or hasn’t slighted you?... speaks volumes about you.

 

I think I’d be more concerned with why multiple people share “immense displeasure” with you.

[Chad Constantine]

Does it really matter who told you? It seems very petty to me to have such a reaction. Just be glad that someone told you.

If it was me I would be laughing about getting a message like that and showing it to everyone but that is just me.

[+ quoththeraven]

I don't have an opinion on how you feel about the person who told you and the person who didn't, but your feelings weren't the point, and you were out of line for bringing them up. You're assuming that the first person asked the other to pass the information along because of the bad blood between you when it could have been for other reasons. You don't actually know.

[Guest]

You receive meaningful information regarding the passing of an important colleague but focus more on who has or hasn’t slighted you?... speaks volumes about you.

 

I think I’d be more concerned with why multiple people share “immense displeasure” with you.

 

Those were kind of my thoughts. There are people I don't especially like, but I don't think anyone has an "immense displeasure" with me, let alone multiple people.

[+ Gar1eth]

The guy might have been doing you a favor. If there is that great an animosity between you two, it might have come between any message he needed to get to you. Using a neutral third party, meant y'all could concentrate on the news and not the animosity.

 

Gman

Edited December 31, 2019 by Gar1eth

[+ sniper]

I was the recipient of the information of a former boss of ours who died after a long cancer battle. I was very appreciative that he let me know, and put his immense displeasure of me aside to tell me something informational that would be of interest to me. In my mind, this was civil and humane.

 

On the other hand, a different former co-worker, the one who broke the news to him, also one to not at all care for me, deliberately did NOT give me the news, asking others to pass on the word. This in my mind was cowardly and class-less. I privately called him out on it, although I'm sure once he saw the message was from me, deleted it without reading.

 

Did I equally stoop to the level of the info hider, or was it o.k. for me to express my disappointment in their action (or really, non-action)?

You are completely off base here no matter what the source of the bad blood between you and the others might be. The very way you phrase the situation("info holder" seems a bit...dramatic), absent any detail, casts you in a severely unflattering light.

[rvwnsd]

A couple of things:

• As @Unicorn pointed out, having multiple people who "have great displeasure" with you is rather problematic. Might want to think about why that is and what you can do to change that in the future
  
• Your calling the original person out is petty and immature. This type of behavior might explain why your former colleagues "have great displeasure" with you. Might also explain why the group of friends started doing things without you, as you reported many threads ago.
  
• Who cares who told you the former boss passed away?
  

[+ Autumnal]

There can be many people to notify when someone dies, and the responsibility for getting the word out is often shared by several people. Those calls can be difficult to make, and I appreciate being notified by anyone.