Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.
I caught my boyfriend masturbating with an ear of corn. I said, "WTF? I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like corn."
What's the difference between light and hard? I can fall asleep with a light on.
Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, "You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing." As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it. A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, "I can't believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing...I wonder how the girls are doing."
A newlywed gay couple meets with the pastor of a church they're interested in joining. After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, "I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from sex for two weeks." The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. "So how did it go?" he asks them. "Well, we almost made it the full two weeks," the husband answers.
"But yesterday he bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn't help myself." The pastor pauses for a moment, then says, "Well I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in my church."
"I understand," says the husband. "We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."
