The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness (redux)

[Kenny]

"One of the most striking studies I found described the spike in anxiety and depression among gay men in 2004 and 2005, the years when 14 states passed constitutional amendments defining marriage as being between a man and a woman. Gay men in those states showed a 37 percent increase in mood disorders, a 42 percent increase in alcoholism and a 248 percentincrease in generalized anxiety disorder.

 

The most chilling thing about those numbers is that the legal rights of gay people living in those states didn’t materially change. We couldn’t get married in Michigan before the amendment passed, and we couldn’t get married in Michigan after it passed. The laws were symbolic. They were the majority’s way of informing gay people that we weren’t wanted. What’s worse, the rates of anxiety and depression didn’t just jump in the states that passed constitutional amendments. They increased (though less dramatically) among gay people across the entire country. The campaign to make us suffer worked."

 

This is a long, often fascinating overview of the psycho dynamics of being homosexual in our heteronormative society, and of dramatic changes in the Internet Age. The excerpt above is just one of many eye-opening observations -- some insightful, some not. But it is worth a read -- and not entirely dismaying.

 

http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

[+ WilliamM]

For me, it's been difficult to separate my health problems and occasional depression from what may have happened anyway if I was straight with a family. I have lived twenty years longer than my dad. But I gave up smoking many years ago and the advancements in treating heart disease, which killed my dad, have advanced beyond belief since I was a child and teenager.

 

Thanks, Kenny. I shall read the article several times again.

[LaffingBear]

That is a very good read.

[+ bashful]

"One of the most striking studies I found described the spike in anxiety and depression among gay men in 2004 and 2005, the years when 14 states passed constitutional amendments defining marriage as being between a man and a woman. Gay men in those states showed a 37 percent increase in mood disorders, a 42 percent increase in alcoholism and a 248 percentincrease in generalized anxiety disorder.

 

The most chilling thing about those numbers is that the legal rights of gay people living in those states didn’t materially change. We couldn’t get married in Michigan before the amendment passed, and we couldn’t get married in Michigan after it passed. The laws were symbolic. They were the majority’s way of informing gay people that we weren’t wanted. What’s worse, the rates of anxiety and depression didn’t just jump in the states that passed constitutional amendments. They increased (though less dramatically) among gay people across the entire country. The campaign to make us suffer worked."

 

This is a long, often fascinating overview of the psycho dynamics of being homosexual in our heteronormative society, and of dramatic changes in the Internet Age. The excerpt above is just one of many eye-opening observations -- some insightful, some not. But it is worth a read -- and not entirely dismaying.

 

http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

 

Eye opening post. Having grown up in Michigan, never considered it such a repressive state. Makes me reconsider my loyalty to buying cars from the big three.

[BabyBoomer]

@Kenny you're slipping. This is from 4+ months ago.

 

https://www.companyofmen.org/threads/the-epidemic-of-gay-loneliness.122162/

 

~Boomer ~

[mike carey]

@Kenny you're slipping. This is from 4+ months ago.

Yes, and I read it the first time. I remembered the comment on the guy whose six-pack you could see through his wool sweater. But it was worth reading again.

[BabyBoomer]

I remembered

 

The title of the thread, but I thought it was more recent.

 

~Boomer ~

[LaffingBear]

I dont want to diminish the point of the article, relevance to the audience of this board.

 

My career has had me working with the county health department over the years. I once asked the county medical officer what is the biggest health challenge facing the county. I imagined many answers: child nutrition, drugs, inadequate access, etc.

 

His answer made an impression and stayed with me. Loneliness and isolation. He said many people would be shocked to learn what percentage of their community has minimal to no social interactions with others. And that its at the root of a great many health and social challenges.

[jvanchicago]

I remember reading that article before, and posting on that other thread, but I'm glad it's being reposted-I'd love to read it again when I have more time to see if my perceptions have changed.

 

I think the root of it is the freedom of judgement that so many enjoy (not freedom from judgement-in fact, it's the exact opposite). Between anonymity on the internet, the social/political climate, and just changing social norms in general, people are much more willing to voice their opinions, and take it to the next level and voice their judgements.

 

The quote above states how these laws "inform(ed) gay people that we weren't wanted." But our culture has become filled with telling people we don't want them. From dating profiles stating "no fats, no fems, no black, no Asian....." to the catty remarks left on social media criticizing people for their looks, their beliefs, or any other number of things-we are constantly being told who is not good enough, who is not wanted. When people read that enough, are surrounded by that mentality, it's bound to take a toll. So depression, anxiety, isolation-is it any wonder there's increases in these? The study focuses on the gay community, but I think it affects the whole community at large-much of the population. And I think you see it more in younger generations because they are surrounding themselves with social media, message boards, and the internet in general-an environment festering with these judgements.

 

So to conclude my late-night ramblings here, I agree that there is this epidemic of gay loneliness, but I'd take it a step further and say there's just an overall epidemic of loneliness for all people. It's sometimes easier to shelter oneself from others rather than face feeling judged, inferior, and unworthy.

[bigvalboy]

I remember reading that article before, and posting on that other thread, but I'm glad it's being reposted-I'd love to read it again when I have more time to see if my perceptions have changed.

 

I think the root of it is the freedom of judgement that so many enjoy (not freedom from judgement-in fact, it's the exact opposite). Between anonymity on the internet, the social/political climate, and just changing social norms in general, people are much more willing to voice their opinions, and take it to the next level and voice their judgements.

 

The quote above states how these laws "inform(ed) gay people that we weren't wanted." But our culture has become filled with telling people we don't want them. From dating profiles stating "no fats, no fems, no black, no Asian....." to the catty remarks left on social media criticizing people for their looks, their beliefs, or any other number of things-we are constantly being told who is not good enough, who is not wanted. When people read that enough, are surrounded by that mentality, it's bound to take a toll. So depression, anxiety, isolation-is it any wonder there's increases in these? The study focuses on the gay community, but I think it affects the whole community at large-much of the population. And I think you see it more in younger generations because they are surrounding themselves with social media, message boards, and the internet in general-an environment festering with these judgements.

 

So to conclude my late-night ramblings here, I agree that there is this epidemic of gay loneliness, but I'd take it a step further and say there's just an overall epidemic of loneliness for all people. It's sometimes easier to shelter oneself from others rather than face feeling judged, inferior, and unworthy.

 

Bravo...

[Pepper Young]

Thanks for posting this this article. I had not read it before. It certainly told some truths of not only how society sees us, but also, more importantly, how we in the gay community treat each other. The judgment, the catty remarks about race and body, are some of the reasons I dropped out of the scene years ago.

[AdamSmith]

The shrink I saw age 33-37, four sessions per week for psychoanalysis, on the couch and all, one time gave me this very good guidance:

 

"You need to take all these suicidal feelings you have, and make them homicidal instead."

[+ glutes]

I volunteer at a agency that tries to combat loneliness through a Telephone Reassurance Program. I do see why it is necessary!

 

http://www.seniorsresourceguide.com/articles/art00936.html

[Kenny]

@Kenny you're slipping. This is from 4+ months ago.

 

https://www.companyofmen.org/threads/the-epidemic-of-gay-loneliness.122162/

 

~Boomer ~

Missed it because I was ,um, on hiatus then. But it's sort of like recommending a worthwhile escort who has been reviewed before, so I'm glad to have posted it again. And the earlier thread has some interesting moments, so thanks for the link.

 

(Thread title amended.)

[marylander1940]

"One of the most striking studies I found described the spike in anxiety and depression among gay men in 2004 and 2005, the years when 14 states passed constitutional amendments defining marriage as being between a man and a woman. Gay men in those states showed a 37 percent increase in mood disorders, a 42 percent increase in alcoholism and a 248 percentincrease in generalized anxiety disorder.

 

The most chilling thing about those numbers is that the legal rights of gay people living in those states didn’t materially change. We couldn’t get married in Michigan before the amendment passed, and we couldn’t get married in Michigan after it passed. The laws were symbolic. They were the majority’s way of informing gay people that we weren’t wanted. What’s worse, the rates of anxiety and depression didn’t just jump in the states that passed constitutional amendments. They increased (though less dramatically) among gay people across the entire country. The campaign to make us suffer worked."

 

This is a long, often fascinating overview of the psycho dynamics of being homosexual in our heteronormative society, and of dramatic changes in the Internet Age. The excerpt above is just one of many eye-opening observations -- some insightful, some not. But it is worth a read -- and not entirely dismaying.

 

http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

 

Great thread @Kenny but I think it's not only something that affects gay people. In most big cities you see so many straight men and women who are living by themselves, here in DuPont there are entire town houses all by themselves with nothing but a dog living with them. One house = one family (or couple) is no longer the normal not even in the suburbs.

 

http://i.gr-assets.com/images/S/compressed.photo.goodreads.com/books/1347918144i/11797459._UY630_SR1200,630_.jpg

 

How did you first get involved in researching this topic?

 

My first book was about a heat wave in Chicago where more than 700 people died, in 1995, and when I was doing research on the book I learned that one reason so many people died, and also died alone during that disaster, is that so many people were living alone in Chicago everyday. And I hadn’t really known that before. And during the research for that book, I got to spend some time learning about the rise of living alone, and specifically aging alone. And I got interested in the phenomenon, and concerned about the social problem of being alone and also isolated.

 

So when I finished, I started thinking about a next project that would continue the theme, and I got funding from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation to do a bigger follow up study on living alone and social isolation in American life. When I got deeper into the research, I realized that, in fact, only a small number of people who are living alone are actually isolated, or lonely, and that I was really only looking at a very narrow part of the story. So I decided to expand it outward, and to redefine the issue, so that it’s not just a social problem, but also a social change.

 

I came to see it as a social experiment, because what I learned, surprisingly, is that until about the 1950s, there was no society in the history of our species that supported large numbers of people living alone. Since then, living alone has become incredibly common, throughout the developed world. Wherever there is affluence, and a welfare state, people use their resources to get places of their own.

 

 

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/eric-klinenberg-on-going-solo-19299815/

[+ WilliamM]

Great thread @Kenny but I think it's not only something that affects gay people. In most big cities you see so many straight men and women who are living by themselves, here in DuPont there are entire town houses all by themselves with nothing but a dog living with them. One house = one family (or couple) is no longer the normal not even in the suburbs.

 

Very true.

 

However, many single elderly people are able to stay in their homes because of many worthy social services. If the Trump budget cutting Medicaid is approved by Congress and signed by the president, chaos will be the rest -- especially concerning nursing home care. Is Trump even aware of the prospects for older Americans currently in nursing homes?

[+ sniper]

Very true.

 

However, many single elderly people are able to stay in their homes because of many worthy social services. If the Trump budget cutting Medicaid is approved by Congress and signed by the president, chaos will be the rest -- especially concerning nursing home care. Is Trump even aware of the prospects for older Americans currently in nursing homes?

To their mind, everyone should have family that can take them in. To be fair, I do think there are a decent number of people in nursing homes not because they absolutely have to be, but because of a failure of services to close the gap. My sister is in a nursing home and I am amazed how many of her neighbors seem to be walking around unassisted and pretty darn lucid. But my state basically won't spend more than a thousand or two to keep someone out of a nursing home, but will spend $100k plus to keep them IN one. It's insane.

[+ WilliamM]

To their mind, everyone should have family that can take them in. To be fair, I do think there are a decent number of people in nursing homes not because they absolutely have to be, but because of a failure of services to close the gap.

 

Even with many very helpful services, there can be a time when a nursing home is the only option. And that was true for my grandmother as well, despite having eight children. From your message, I wonder how much knowledge you have on this issue.

[Walker1]

I think one more thing is life and death. Back then you had an extended family and had roots. now you pick up, move anytime, anywhere, connect with people a thousand miles away and yet there is no community. Initially when I was mostly into men-big, strong muscled men-it was difficult. The man might have and STD, fibroids or what not! The image and reality did not match. But with a woman, you have kids, grew old and were in the cycle of life. It just flowed and everyone you knew was going through the same cycle, kids, grand kids etc. Now with gay marriage and surrogacy/adoption, hopefully that will not be such a major issue.

 

Gay life, crossing into your 40s and 50s -unless you are in some sub-culture, it is not like you can go clubbing an dance with some buff 20 year old without being ridiculed. But there is nothing to progress to as you age . The meaning of life becomes central-if you have some money, can do most of anything you want-no kids, families, extended friends-then what do you do?

 

If you are worried about the next meal or making sure kids go to college or helping out with grandkids and sex is just a side/hobby, then great. but if you are still lonely, alone and not needed by anybody-life just become sad, lonely and almost meaningless.

[+ sniper]

Even with many very helpful services, there can be a time when a nursing home is the only option. And that was true for my grandmother as well, despite having eight children. From your message, I wonder how much knowledge you have on this issue.

 

I took care of my sister in my home for 9 months(when her husband couldn't) before making the decision to place her, so I am all too familiar with the issue. But I could have made it work several more years for a fraction of the cost of the nursing home. Now she's at a point where she'd likely be going in anyway. But the state has spent over half a million dollars on her when it could have spent less than $100k. But all the programs NJ had were extremely limited in the number of hours they would provide, and even though she wasn't my dependent, I wouldn't have been allowed to spend any money on her care to supplement what the state provided or they wouldn't do a damn thing.

I'm not saying nobody belongs in a nursing home. I'm saying that a significant fraction of the residents likely could be cared for in the community for a bit longer then they are. (And on the flip side, there are people who wait too long to make the decision to place).

[+ WilliamM]

I took care of my sister in my home for 9 months(when her husband couldn't) before making the decision to place her, so I am all too familiar with the issue

 

Neither my grandmother nor my mother required many services from the state. My grandmother had a stroke and my mom just could not live alone any more with the beginnings of dementia.

 

As to being taken care of in the community, there are not many large families anymore to share the care. Also people are living longer now for reasons we all know. Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid along with awareness of the dangers of smoking and huge medical advances changed everything for the better.

 

I only lived in New Jersey for year when I was in the Army, so I was not aware of the state's limited services.

[+ Charlie]

As an only child, I was always aware that at some time I might have to take care of my parents, and eventually it happened. At 89, my mother was no longer able to live on her own, so I brought her to live with me. I did my best to make her life interesting, but she was lonely and bored, so at 94, she finally decided that she would rather live in an assisted living facility where she would have more social interaction with her peers, and she was right. She moved to a nice place, where she was relatively content. But at 98, they decided that she needed more than assisted living would provide, and she had to move to the associated nursing care section. Suddenly the price of living there soared way above the cost of her assisted living apartment, which she could afford with help from me. Within less than a year, all of her modest financial assets were completely wiped out. I had just retired myself, and the annual cost for her in a shared nursing care room was higher than my annual income, so there was no way I could afford to pay for her care. The only way she could continue there to become a ward of the state, i.e., MediCaid. They took over her SS and pension, and paid the rest of the cost of the nursing care until she died at 102.

[Mydavid]

As an only child, I was always aware that at some time I might have to take care of my parents, and eventually it happened. At 89, my mother was no longer able to live on her own, so I brought her to live with me. I did my best to make her life interesting, but she was lonely and bored, so at 94, she finally decided that she would rather live in an assisted living facility where she would have more social interaction with her peers, and she was right. She moved to a nice place, where she was relatively content. But at 98, they decided that she needed more than assisted living would provide, and she had to move to the associated nursing care section. Suddenly the price of living there soared way above the cost of her assisted living apartment, which she could afford with help from me. Within less than a year, all of her modest financial assets were completely wiped out. I had just retired myself, and the annual cost for her in a shared nursing care room was higher than my annual income, so there was no way I could afford to pay for her care. The only way she could continue there to become a ward of the state, i.e., MediCaid. They took over her SS and pension, and paid the rest of the cost of the nursing care until she died at 102.

With her gene, you will have a long life expectancy.

[+ sniper]

I joke with some of my single childless friends that we need to agree on a location to buy adjacent ranches and "Golden Girls" it by sharing a couple of aide/houseboys....

[+ Charlie]

With her gene, you will have a long life expectancy.

But I also have the genes of my father, who died at 72.