Wedding Attire = "Semi-Formal / Cocktail" - What is This?

[whipped guy]

What IS the appropriate clothing for a "tapas" event?

Tapas (in Spanish) just means that the food is served in small plates usually buffet style often with multiple stations. It is somewhat analogous to Chinese Dim sum. It most often consists of small savory dishes and bar type menus items. However the sky can be the limit. The event referenced was at a somewhat upscale Italian establishment and hence there was emphasis on Italian (as opposed to Spanish) specialties, but not exclusively so. Hence the wording "Tapas style" on the invitations.

 

Basically it referenced that there would not be a sit down dinner, but more of a cocktail type atmosphere at least as far as the food was concerned. As such it would depend on the venue or situation that would determine the type of dress.

[JayCeeKy]

Getting a perfectly good tooth pulled for a few vicodins? That IS desperate

 

True story (waaay off the topic): When I worked with chemically addicted men in an inpatient treatment center years ago, we had an young fellow who kept needing to go to the emergency room for pain associated with "kidney stones." I called the docs at the ER several times to make sure that they had documented the kidney stones and the need for this guy to get pain pills. The docs always verified that the x-rays indeed showed "stones" moving down the fellow's urinary track. One day I decided to check this guy's locker and I found a bag full of small metal bb's (bee bees) and a long rubber urinary catheter. The guy admitted that he had been inserting the bb's up into his urinary track in order to obtain pain pills for these "kidney stones." He had pretty much destroyed his urethra, but he got his pain pills. Shows the power of addiction and the unfortunate "creativity" of these poor souls who are addicted.

[LADoug1]

Did they really stare, or did you just feel conspicuous? Why would anyone care that much?

 

Agreed that some of the staring could have been my imagine. But some people were over concerned with appearance rather than substance. And some people are just plain rude.

[LADoug1]

My father was quite a rebel when it came to a dress code. In fact he had a tee shirt which looked like a tuxedo. While I agreed with him he often went too far and his behavior was basically passive aggressive.

[MassageDrew]

It's a summer wedding and semi-formal so Id stick to a lighter colored jacket paired with a nice crisp shirt and well-fitting khakis

[MassageDrew]

It's a summer wedding and semi-formal so Id stick to a lighter colored jacket paired with a nice crisp shirt and well-fitting khakis

[OneFinger]

It's a summer wedding and semi-formal so Id stick to a lighter colored jacket paired with a nice crisp shirt and well-fitting khakis

 

That was my intent until the bride / groom clarified that suits (not sport coats) were expected. Went shopping last night in San Diego for a suit. I had thought of altering my suit in Utah but that is a heavy wool (dark blue) and it just doesn't seem practical for a summer wedding. And, it was already altered when I lost 130 lbs and now that I've added 10-15 lbs back, I'm not sure how easy it would be to let it out again.

 

But I was totally discouraged last night. My jacket size is 46 extra long and my pants in-seam is 38". Couldn't find a jacket with long enough arms. And the pants, even unfinished, would only end up with 36" in-seam.

 

Called one of the most popular suit stores in Utah who carries a very large inventory. I explained my need and they said it wouldn't be a problem to fit me during my first weekend visit in June. Also going back the 3rd week of June and they said it wouldn't be a problem to make final tweaks to the fit on that visit. Seems like the best option.

[MassageDrew]

Seems like a good plan. It's just weird that they're controlling what you wear

[LADoug1]

That was my intent until the bride / groom clarified that suits (not sport coats) were expected. Went shopping last night in San Diego for a suit. I had thought of altering my suit in Utah but that is a heavy wool (dark blue) and it just doesn't seem practical for a summer wedding. And, it was already altered when I lost 130 lbs and now that I've added 10-15 lbs back, I'm not sure how easy it would be to let it out again.

 

But I was totally discouraged last night. My jacket size is 46 extra long and my pants in-seam is 38". Couldn't find a jacket with long enough arms. And the pants, even unfinished, would only end up with 36" in-seam.

 

Called one of the most popular suit stores in Utah who carries a very large inventory. I explained my need and they said it wouldn't be a problem to fit me during my first weekend visit in June. Also going back the 3rd week of June and they said it wouldn't be a problem to make final tweaks to the fit on that visit. Seems like the best option.

 

If you can afford it. I for one could not. And I'll repeat that I usually find dress codes presumptuous and inconsiderate. I suspect I'm in the minority and probably incorrect.

[LADoug1]

Seems like a good plan. It's just weird that they're controlling what you wear

 

A good plan for @OneFinger. And I agree completely agree about the "controlling " comment.

[MikeyGMin]

I suspect I'm in the minority and probably incorrect.

Well, Count me in your camp. I guess I consider them more pretentious than presumptuous, but anyone who doesn't consider the expense of their guests is definitely being inconsiderate. I hate weddings -- all weddings -- so it's all I can do just to get myself there. Compound that with a pretentious couple and you can color me out.

 

BTW, the only thing I find more pretentious is someone who throws a party and requests a certain type of dress. Like everyone wear white or whatever. WTF? That will actually kill a friendship once I realize they are one of "those" people.

[OneFinger]

A good plan for @OneFinger. And I agree completely agree about the "controlling " comment.

 

If this wasn't for a relative, I wouldn't go. For me, this is not an inexpensive wedding. Airfare is $650. Rental car from Boston to Vermont is $150. Hotel room in Vermont is $350 / night. Still trying to figure out a wedding gift. But, for other relatives it's even worse. My nephew has invited his sister and her 2 kids. He wants the kids to be ringer bearers. So for her, it's airfare X 3, +hotel, +suits for the boys. And she's a single mom that has only been able to work part-time due to the cost of daycare. And her ex claims he's unemployed and unable to make child support payments (the state is ridding his ass for proof).

 

And, we won't even talk about my nephew's parents who are retired and on a fixed income.

[+ WmClarke]

If this wasn't for a relative, I wouldn't go. For me, this is not an inexpensive wedding. Airfare is $650. Rental car from Boston to Vermont is $150. Hotel room in Vermont is $350 / night. Still trying to figure out a wedding gift. But, for other relatives it's even worse. My nephew has invited his sister and her 2 kids. He wants the kids to be ringer bearers. So for her, it's airfare X 3, +hotel, +suits for the boys. And she's a single mom that has only been able to work part-time due to the cost of daycare. And her ex claims he's unemployed and unable to make child support payments (the state is ridding his ass for proof).

 

And, we won't even talk about my nephew's parents who are retired and on a fixed income.

Your nephew's bride sounds like a douche bag. Unless she's helping them with those expenses.

[kewtex]

If this wasn't for a relative, I wouldn't go. For me, this is not an inexpensive wedding. Airfare is $650. Rental car from Boston to Vermont is $150. Hotel room in Vermont is $350 / night. Still trying to figure out a wedding gift. But, for other relatives it's even worse. My nephew has invited his sister and her 2 kids. He wants the kids to be ringer bearers. So for her, it's airfare X 3, +hotel, +suits for the boys. And she's a single mom that has only been able to work part-time due to the cost of daycare. And her ex claims he's unemployed and unable to make child support payments (the state is ridding his ass for proof).

 

And, we won't even talk about my nephew's parents who are retired and on a fixed income.

 

A wedding invitation is not a command performance. Those unable to attend the nuptials, for whatever reason, need only RVSP with a message along the lines of, "Miss Otis regrets she's unable to lunch today."

[LADoug1]

If this wasn't for a relative, I wouldn't go. For me, this is not an inexpensive wedding. Airfare is $650. Rental car from Boston to Vermont is $150. Hotel room in Vermont is $350 / night. Still trying to figure out a wedding gift. But, for other relatives it's even worse. My nephew has invited his sister and her 2 kids. He wants the kids to be ringer bearers. So for her, it's airfare X 3, +hotel, +suits for the boys. And she's a single mom that has only been able to work part-time due to the cost of daycare. And her ex claims he's unemployed and unable to make child support payments (the state is ridding his ass for proof).

 

And, we won't even talk about my nephew's parents who are retired and on a fixed income.

 

What a drag! I appreciate your dedication to family. But if these expenses cause you financial hardship I would hope you'll weigh this vs. this dedication.

[kewtex]

Proper dress code should make sense to your guests

 

Judith Martin, “Miss Manners”

 

Which of the following correctly describes the reason for including a dress code with an invitation?

 

• To sharpen your rapier wit on your would-be guests.

 

• To inspire your friends to reach new heights of sartorial creativity, challenging them to think “outside the box.” (Inside the box there is now so much unclaimed real estate that those of us still in residence are not coming out, barring actual flooding.)

 

• To sow confusion.

 

If you chose any or all of the above, you may join the majority of your fellow citizens who celebrate their individuality by conforming as strictly as possible to the prejudices of their peers. It is more crowded in this box than Miss Manners had thought.

 

The purpose of a dress code is to save your guests from having to guess what is expected while comforting them that if they wear what is asked, they will not spend the evening dodging dirty looks from a partner.

 

Miss Manners would have thought this would be appreciated by the perpetually overbooked and uncomfortable Modern Lady and Gentleman.

 

Such is not the case.

 

Miss Manners does realize that some of the more fanciful dress codes are intended to be humorous and playful, but there are places where humor does not belong. Fire-exit signs and confessions that you wrecked your parents’ car come to mind.

 

A proper dress code should be understandable to its intended audience. Once upon a time, it was understood that “formal” meant white tie, “informal” meant black tie and the absence of a direction was what some now term “business attire.” Decades of improvisation have destroyed that understanding, relegating such terms to the waste bin of useless words, where they sit next to “semiformal” and “inflammable,” awaiting a final disposal that never comes.

 

“Black tie,” “jacket and tie” and, in the case of public accommodations, “no flip-flops” lack joie de vivre, but they make up for it in intelligibility.

 

Notice that most dress codes specify what is expected of the gentleman rather than the lady. One would think husbands would be used to this by now, but the reason for it is practical. Male clothing, particularly as it increases in formality, is more prescribed than female clothing. Who, other than the owner, can say which is a lady’s second-best dress?

 

If all this is too much for you when issuing invitations, there is no requirement to specify a dress code at all. The smart (though confused) guest will call and ask, and you may then discuss it. At least it will take less time than trying to parse the differences between “cocktail attire,” “smart casual,” “tea party dress,” “country club wear” and “after-5 attire.”

 

As for “business casual,” Miss Manners suspects that it is not a dress code at all, but an accounting practice, accessorized with handcuffs and subpoenas.