Thoughts on Sex Addiction

[Rocky93]

Some of us spend a lot of time looking at porn, surfing the net, hiring escorts or fantasizing about sex. Has anyone on here ever tried to slow down or stop? Does this interefere in your life vis-a-vis being productive or at the cost of other commitments and responsibilities?

 

Many times I feel like porn and sex are an addiction for me. Could it just be my Catholic guilt? Have others worried your behavior has crossed the line?

 

Looking for some thoughts and/or experience. I have found the majority of men on this site to be very honest, open and helpful to everyone. This is a question for escorts and clients. Well, anyone who ever pondered this question. We are pretty much all aware of alcoholism and drug addiction, however, addictions to things like food, sex, and relationships are less obvious to others. We hide them from others as best we could and many lead lives that can be functional and successful.

 

I appreciate any and all feedback or reflections

[+ TylerandAce]

I attended inpatient therapy for my homosexuality based on a "sex addiction" diagnosis. I was going in questioning my fondness for gay porn and gay sex, so sex addiction made it easier than to admit I was GAY. It was the same place that Tiger Woods went when he was caught cheating on his wife at the time. Good place with a noble calling. I learned a lot, but it didn't turn out like the family hoped it would.

 

What I learned primarily is that nobody gets to decide whether a person has an addiction except the person themselves. Normally, a true addiction keeps you from some other parts of a normal life (i.e. relationships, holding a job, maintaining finances, etc). What I had to learn is that my proclivity for porn and sex was a pent up demand internally for fulfillment of a side I'd repressed all my life. Like with a pressure cooker, if you keep the lid on without a release, the pot will explode. That's what happened to me. It came out in dysfunctional ways, but it wasn't an addiction.

 

Another thing I learned from my institutionalized friends there is that true addictions are usually not singular. They come in multiples. A sex addict might also be a cocaine addict to experience an even greater high. A shopaholic might act out sexually to rationalize overspending. I could tell you some amazing stories from people there with me about what a life-spiral can really look like. For me, I just liked to fuck guys. I was the only one there without some kind of secondary issue.

 

Introspection is difficult, but if you really think you have problems with porn or sex that keep you from a fulfilled life, then I suggest professional help. The best gift you can give yourself is a good therapist. However, think for yourself and be educated about what's really going on with you. The most rewarding thing I ever did was to be introspective. I nearly took my own life in the process, but I'm still here and able to have this conversation. So, it is definitely worth the work. Don't give in to easy labels or a quick diagnosis.

 

Today, I know that sexuality is healthy an that for me, porn and sex are a healthy expression of who I am. They both have a place in my life and I've found a partner who understands that (as much as another person can). Open communication is the key. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk more. I'll be glad to give you my number and we can even speak about it more if you like.

[TruHart1]

I attended inpatient therapy for my homosexuality based on a "sex addiction" diagnosis. I was going in questioning my fondness for gay porn and gay sex, so sex addiction made it easier than to admit I was GAY. It was the same place that Tiger Woods went when he was caught cheating on his wife at the time. Good place with a noble calling. I learned a lot, but it didn't turn out like the family hoped it would.

 

What I learned primarily is that nobody gets to decide whether a person has an addiction except the person themselves. Normally, a true addiction keeps you from some other parts of a normal life (i.e. relationships, holding a job, maintaining finances, etc). What I had to learn is that my proclivity for porn and sex was a pent up demand internally for fulfillment of a side I'd repressed all my life. Like with a pressure cooker, if you keep the lid on without a release, the pot will explode. That's what happened to me. It came out in dysfunctional ways, but it wasn't an addiction.

 

Another thing I learned from my institutionalized friends there is that true addictions are usually not singular. They come in multiples. A sex addict might also be a cocaine addict to experience an even greater high. A shopaholic might act out sexually to rationalize overspending. I could tell you some amazing stories from people there with me about what a life-spiral can really look like. For me, I just liked to fuck guys. I was the only one there without some kind of secondary issue.

 

Introspection is difficult, but if you really think you have problems with porn or sex that keep you from a fulfilled life, then I suggest professional help. The best gift you can give yourself is a good therapist. However, think for yourself and be educated about what's really going on with you. The most rewarding thing I ever did was to be introspective. I nearly took my own life in the process, but I'm still here and able to have this conversation. So, it is definitely worth the work. Don't give in to easy labels or a quick diagnosis.

 

Today, I know that sexuality is healthy an that for me, porn and sex are a healthy expression of who I am. They both have a place in my life and I've found a partner who understands that (as much as another person can). Open communication is the key. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk more. I'll be glad to give you my number and we can even speak about it more if you like.

What an excellent response, Ace. It is fascinating that you had to go through that process and yet came out of it so clear-headed and self-aware! Thank you for your honesty.

 

TruHart1

[Rocky93]

Thank you, TylerandAce for your openness. I agree with you on many of the points you make. Repression and denial can make for some ugly side effects. There are so many variables of expressed sexuality, but other than the internet, noting real new since the beginning of time! Societal "norms" play a role, but the bottom line as you said, each person must determine for themselves. I know I go through times when I am sure I cross the line to addiction, but have been able to make necessary changes to reign it in. Balance is the key. Going through a rough patch right now! May take you up on your offer!!

[+ TylerandAce]

What an excellent response, Ace. It is fascinating that you had to go through that process and yet came out of it so clear-headed and self-aware! Thank you for your honesty.

 

TruHart1

Thanks! I'm just glad I am still here to be able to tell the story We all have our shit, though, right? Maybe living in the South and being extremely Southern Baptist didn't help very much. But, everybody has something.

[+ TylerandAce]

Thank you, TylerandAce for your openness. I agree with you on many of the points you make. Repression and denial can make for some ugly side effects. There are so many variables of expressed sexuality, but other than the internet, noting real new since the beginning of time! Societal "norms" play a role, but the bottom line as you said, each person must determine for themselves. I know I go through times when I am sure I cross the line to addiction, but have been able to make necessary changes to reign it in. Balance is the key. Going through a rough patch right now! May take you up on your offer!!

Please do any time. There is no sense in hurting when there are plenty of ways to experience relief. Don't know your background, but dysfunction can leave scars. There's nothing more dysfunctional than trying to deal with sexuality in a demeaning culture. I'm not a counselor, but I can walk you through the process of getting help when you need it.

[Rocky93]

I will tell you my background one day soon.

[Rocky93]

I will tell you my background one day soon.

[LADoug1]

For me sexual addiction causes one to act out sexually. It is caused by the reasons cited above and also General Anxiety Disorder and internalized homophobia. Like any addiction it is a negative coping skill. I know this from personal experience.

[LADoug1]

I attended inpatient therapy for my homosexuality based on a "sex addiction" diagnosis. I was going in questioning my fondness for gay porn and gay sex, so sex addiction made it easier than to admit I was GAY. It was the same place that Tiger Woods went when he was caught cheating on his wife at the time. Good place with a noble calling. I learned a lot, but it didn't turn out like the family hoped it would.

 

What I learned primarily is that nobody gets to decide whether a person has an addiction except the person themselves. Normally, a true addiction keeps you from some other parts of a normal life (i.e. relationships, holding a job, maintaining finances, etc). What I had to learn is that my proclivity for porn and sex was a pent up demand internally for fulfillment of a side I'd repressed all my life. Like with a pressure cooker, if you keep the lid on without a release, the pot will explode. That's what happened to me. It came out in dysfunctional ways, but it wasn't an addiction.

 

Another thing I learned from my institutionalized friends there is that true addictions are usually not singular. They come in multiples. A sex addict might also be a cocaine addict to experience an even greater high. A shopaholic might act out sexually to rationalize overspending. I could tell you some amazing stories from people there with me about what a life-spiral can really look like. For me, I just liked to fuck guys. I was the only one there without some kind of secondary issue.

 

Introspection is difficult, but if you really think you have problems with porn or sex that keep you from a fulfilled life, then I suggest professional help. The best gift you can give yourself is a good therapist. However, think for yourself and be educated about what's really going on with you. The most rewarding thing I ever did was to be introspective. I nearly took my own life in the process, but I'm still here and able to have this conversation. So, it is definitely worth the work. Don't give in to easy labels or a quick diagnosis.

 

Today, I know that sexuality is healthy an that for me, porn and sex are a healthy expression of who I am. They both have a place in my life and I've found a partner who understands that (as much as another person can). Open communication is the key. You're welcome to DM me if you want to talk more. I'll be glad to give you my number and we can even speak about it more if you like.

 

Very thoughtful and concise response. Just curious which one of you wrote it. PM me if you prefer.

[+ othermanc]

For me, growing closeted up in the 60's, porn became an addiction which eventually led me to acceptance of my true sexual preference and now my life has been more fulfilling as a result of it. I'm still addicted to gay porn, only now I can act on my desires without guilt, coming to the realization that my porn addiction is, for me, the key which helped unlock the door to my sexual acceptance.

[+ purplekow]

Rocky, I noted your age, but I wondered how long you have been admitting to gay proclivities If acting on your homosexual desires is new, then I would suggest that things will slow down and become more manageable. If however, your self defined excessive use of porn and escorts is of a longer duration, it probably is time to get some assistance on coming to understand what drives that desire.

As to my own experiences, I can recall being concerned as a teen that I was "addicted" to masturbation. 6 or 7 times a day was usual and some some days, self gratification episodes would reach double digits. I recall trying to cut back and succeeding for a few hours perhaps a day and then being overwhelmed by my desire and by my persistent erection. I then met a partner and after a few weeks of almost constant contact, things came to a more manageable state, though daily and usually several times daily sexual release was my pattern well into my 40's.

As far as having sexual desire interfere with other social activities, I do recall occasionally having to excuse myself so that I could jerk off in order to be able to concentrate on other non-sexual activities and this has lasted way beyond my teen years.

I liken sex to having a dog. When it is young, it runs around out of control, doing anything to have fun and generally driven by desire and totally out of control. At some point, since it is going to be a lifelong component of your life, you need to get it under control.

Sex is fun. Sex feels good. Sexual desire is a basic human behavior. Sometimes you can let your sexual desire off the leash and let it run and jump and hump and sniff and have a great time, but eventually you need to be able to tell it "NO" and mean it. If you cannot tell it "NO" now, then it is time for professional help.

[+ MostlyLurking]

My most serious addiction is message-forum! How can I get anything done when there are so many interesting threads?

 

Message-forum and, of course, Diet Pepsi.

[mike carey]

Message-forum and, of course, Diet Pepsi.

That's preposterous. Nothing there to be addicted to. It must be a character flaw. Mind you, I haven't logged off the forum in months. But diet pepsi??

[+ TylerandAce]

Very thoughtful and concise response. Just curious which one of you wrote it. PM me if you prefer.

Thanks! It's been a process of discovery, like so many others here.

Ace wrote it. I'm always the one responding here.

[SuenosAmor]

I developed a pretty serious addiction to porn for many years, which affected my relationships and ability to maintain a hard-on during one-on-one sex. I could only get off by looking at REALLY hot guys having sex in videos or magazines.

 

I would watch porn for hours, jerking off 5-6 times a day, sometimes missing dinners and social outings with friends and family. I even watched porn at work (at an art gallery watching over the art), jerking off to videos when no one was in the gallery. I broke off countless relationships because I felt like my dick didn't work or I wasn't actually gay.

 

Anyway, I made a conscious decision a few years ago to stop watching porn altogether - cancelled all my porn subscriptions, threw out all my videos, magazines etc. I also worked with a therapist for a year to sort things out in my head. Through our sessions, I revealed I was molested by the family doctor for years. This actually played out in the type of porn I was into - dad/son, authority/submission.

 

Today, I'm porn free! I feel it allowed to me to associate sex and closeness with actual physical relationships with men...in person!

[Guy Fawkes]

It is said that the average young man thinks about sex every seven seconds. Thankfully that tends to change as we grow older. I only think about it a few times a day now. As long as it doesn't interfere with the rest of your life a healthy libido is a good thing.

 

http://i.telegraph.co.uk/multimedia/archive/01785/feet_feet_1_1785705b.jpg

Some of us spend a lot of time looking at porn, surfing the net, hiring escorts or fantasizing about sex. Has anyone on here ever tried to slow down or stop? Does this interefere in your life vis-a-vis being productive or at the cost of other commitments and responsibilities?

 

Many times I feel like porn and sex are an addiction for me. Could it just be my Catholic guilt? Have others worried your behavior has crossed the line?

 

Looking for some thoughts and/or experience. I have found the majority of men on this site to be very honest, open and helpful to everyone. This is a question for escorts and clients. Well, anyone who ever pondered this question. We are pretty much all aware of alcoholism and drug addiction, however, addictions to things like food, sex, and relationships are less obvious to others. We hide them from others as best we could and many lead lives that can be functional and successful.

 

I appreciate any and all feedback or reflections

[Rocky93]

For me, I realized I had a sex addiction in the early 90's. I was also molested as a child at the age of 11. Could never mix love and sex. Easier to have anonymous sex or pay for it. I worked the steps of a 12 step fellowship for a while and developed a good relationship with God. Over the past 10 years or so, many deaths and many losses of things like trust in people and other things seem to shut me off to prayer and spiritual things. Also, the internet makes porn so accessable. Not like the old days when we would have to buy magazines and hide them! Managed to put all that aside and lived a balanced life. But recently, with the spiritual drought came the addictive cyclone!!! Isolation, depression and alienation. Missing social functions, prefering to be by myself, etc. Decided to do a retreat now and try to get grounded. I brought up this topic to see if there were others who struggled with this too. I truly appreciate the sharing.

[JayCeeKy]

Could it just be my Catholic guilt?

 

I attended Catholic schools all the way through high school - I also went to a Catholic university for graduate school - but it was a Jesuit school so that doesn't count as Catholic. I've used to have "Catholic guilt" early on but soon realized that I could either feel guilty about my "urges" or just enjoy them. I chose the latter.

 

You can become addicted to a thing, a person, a behavior. Originally the additive behavior helped us to ward off negative feelings (boredom, anxiety, sense of inferiority, depression, etc.). So, in moderation just about everything is good. But when it starts to affect our social life, our job, our finances, now we're talking a true addiction. Over time, the addiction actually forms "pleasure pathways" in the brain so that the person is unable to experience any kind of pleasure w/out the addiction. Thus, an addiction becomes not a moral issue, not a personality flaw, it has become a brain issue. (For a good explanation of this I recommend "The Addicted Brain" by Kuhar.)

 

I had a good friend who, I believed, was truly addicted to sex. He couldn't get enough of it. He placed himself in dangerous situations where he could have been publicly exposed or blackmailed (he was a public figure). Although he was successful in his profession, he had several run-ins with the law that could have brought him down. I wish I could say that he kicked his addiction but, in the end, his promiscuity and lack of "safe sex" was his undoing. RIP.

 

As others have stated, over time the sex drive decreases and we start to spend more time watching Family Feud than porn. There's still a need for sexual expression in some form, but, thank goodness it's no longer such a preoccupation. I almost enjoy reading as I did bedding some stud. Well, maybe that's an exaggeration.

[Maxl]

I think all addiction is related to loneliness somehow. Nowadays, by the development of communication technologies, people could be more connected than ever, but the minds and hearts may be even more faraway. This is why the loneliness are taking control of our lifes and the addictions are kind of escape.

 

So, maybe more social embeddedness, hobbies and passion of life are needed. With this, no matter watching porn for long time or jerking off many times do not make a deal.

[AdamSmith]

For me sexual addiction causes one to act out sexually. It is caused by the reasons cited above and also General Anxiety Disorder and internalized homophobia. Like any addiction it is a negative coping skill. I know this from personal experience.

This is exactly right. Brain and behavioral science is now coming around to see that many formerly diagnosed "addictions" are far less about the substance or behavior we abuse than about our life and mental circumstances driving us to such abuse in search of relief from those life conditions.

 

Fix them, and the attachment to the "problem" substance or behavior goes away.

 

Of course the traditional "addiction" treatment communities decry and denounce these new findings. But the evidence is on the side of the new. Several recent studies have shown that AA for instance, despite its self-reported but wholly undocumented claims of "cure" rates of around 75%, actually has a success rate of 5% to 8%, no more. As would be expected of a lay, unprofessionally conceived treatment modality cooked up in the middle 1930s, when essentially nothing at all was known about brain science or behavioral science or substance-abuse cognitive causality. Cognitive behavioral therapy and related modern treatment modes have far greater effectiveness than the old "abstinence commitment" which is the very thin conceptual reed on which AA's approach is premised.

 

Just one of many reportings on this:

 

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

[LADoug1]

This is exactly right. Brain and behavioral science is now coming around to see that many formerly diagnosed "addictions" are far less about the substance or behavior we abuse than about our life and mental circumstances driving us to such abuse in search of relief from those life conditions.

 

Fix them, and the attachment to the "problem" substance or behavior goes away.

 

Of course the traditional "addiction" treatment communities decry and denounce these new findings. But the evidence is on the side of the new. Several recent studies have shown that AA for instance, despite its self-reported but wholly undocumented claims of "cure" rates of around 75%, actually has a success rate of 5% to 8%, no more. As would be expected of a lay, unprofessionally conceived treatment modality cooked up in the middle 1930s, when essentially nothing at all was known about brain science or behavioral science or substance-abuse cognitive causality. Cognitive behavioral therapy and related modern treatment modes have far greater effectiveness than the old "abstinence commitment" which is the very thin conceptual reed on which AA's approach is premised.

 

Just one of many reportings on this:

 

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2015/04/the-irrationality-of-alcoholics-anonymous/386255/

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy changed my life. After years of working with psychologists and psychiatrists it was the most effective treatment and philosophy for me.

[LADoug1]

Rocky, I noted your age, but I wondered how long you have been admitting to gay proclivities If acting on your homosexual desires is new, then I would suggest that things will slow down and become more manageable. If however, your self defined excessive use of porn and escorts is of a longer duration, it probably is time to get some assistance on coming to understand what drives that desire.

As to my own experiences, I can recall being concerned as a teen that I was "addicted" to masturbation. 6 or 7 times a day was usual and some some days, self gratification episodes would reach double digits. I recall trying to cut back and succeeding for a few hours perhaps a day and then being overwhelmed by my desire and by my persistent erection. I then met a partner and after a few weeks of almost constant contact, things came to a more manageable state, though daily and usually several times daily sexual release was my pattern well into my 40's.

As far as having sexual desire interfere with other social activities, I do recall occasionally having to excuse myself so that I could jerk off in order to be able to concentrate on other non-sexual activities and this has lasted way beyond my teen years.

I liken sex to having a dog. When it is young, it runs around out of control, doing anything to have fun and generally driven by desire and totally out of control. At some point, since it is going to be a lifelong component of your life, you need to get it under control.

Sex is fun. Sex feels good. Sexual desire is a basic human behavior. Sometimes you can let your sexual desire off the leash and let it run and jump and hump and sniff and have a great time, but eventually you need to be able to tell it "NO" and mean it. If you cannot tell it "NO" now, then it is time for professional help.

 

 

Boy we're/are you lucky!

[LADoug1]

I developed a pretty serious addiction to porn for many years, which affected my relationships and ability to maintain a hard-on during one-on-one sex. I could only get off by looking at REALLY hot guys having sex in videos or magazines.

 

I would watch porn for hours, jerking off 5-6 times a day, sometimes missing dinners and social outings with friends and family. I even watched porn at work (at an art gallery watching over the art), jerking off to videos when no one was in the gallery. I broke off countless relationships because I felt like my dick didn't work or I wasn't actually gay.

 

Anyway, I made a conscious decision a few years ago to stop watching porn altogether - cancelled all my porn subscriptions, threw out all my videos, magazines etc. I also worked with a therapist for a year to sort things out in my head. Through our sessions, I revealed I was molested by the family doctor for years. This actually played out in the type of porn I was into - dad/son, authority/submission.

 

Today, I'm porn free! I feel it allowed to me to associate sex and closeness with actual physical relationships with men...in person!

 

Not the cure for everyone but I'm very glad it worked for you.

[LADoug1]

My most serious addiction is message-forum! How can I get anything done when there are so many interesting threads?

 

Message-forum and, of course, Diet Pepsi.

 

I'm in the same place!