Who do you tell that you're an escort?

[+ Eric Hassan]

So I think about this a lot and was literally having this discussion this week: nobody in my life knows I'm an escort. There's only one person I've met offline who knows, and that's because... well, they escort themselves (@Eric Hassan, what's good?).

 

I own my home and rent out the basement to my sister, who seems not to question when I host incalls. Either she thinks they're just random hookups, or she knows what I'm doing and hasn't brought it up at all.

 

I'm conflicted and wish I could tell people. I don't actually know what's stopping me. I have trans friends, but none who escort. In fact, one of my closest trans friends is a social worker who definitely looks down his nose at people with active sex lives, period. He's preached to me constantly about STI treatment and prevention. (The great irony is one of the things I do when I'm not escorting is work as a sexual health educator.) So, while I really love my escort work and think it's a great fit for me in my overall career and goals, I worry that some of my closest friends can be... judgmental.

 

At the same time, I know I need to tell someone for safety reasons. I've absolutely been in situations where I've felt uncomfortable or threatened by clients. I've been hurt by clients. (See also: why I don't use Backpage anymore.) And every time I leave such situations, I think: "if this man had killed me, nobody would know."

 

Sorry to revive a dead thread, but... ugh! It's complicated and I feel like I don't know what to do here.

 

It's not a right or wrong thing to share or not share what you do with those around you. There's a lot of stigma and shame around sex, gay sex, and sex work. I imagine that for you - someone who has come out as a trans person and then as a gay man (I'm assuming you identify as gay as well as trans; if that's not correct, please feel free to correct me, or not) that coming out as a sex worker is one more hurdle that's full of risk and seems really fucking scary.

 

We talked about this at lunch, but I think telling at least someone is important for safety. I think it's wise that someone in your life knows what you do, knows when and where you are when you're doing it, and will check up on you if they haven't heard from you.

 

I also ask you to consider this: if you're seriously concerned about getting a negative reaction from the people in your life, you might want to question whether they belong in your life. People might be taken aback and might not immediately understand, but if you're worried about shame or losing friends ... well, is that who you want in your life? I obviously don't know your friends/family and I haven't lived a moment in your shoes, but I support you having loving, supportive folks in your life.

 

Lastly, I want to refer back to your inner strength. It takes a lot of fucking balls to identify your gender and live that truth. It takes wisdom and compassion to educate others on sexual health. It takes a lot of fortitude, open-mindedness, and flexibility to be a sex worker. I've met you once and I can say without a doubt that you are a beautiful, strong, loving, insightful, wise, funny, talented human being. You (along with [uSER=12528]@FTM_Twink[/uSER] and @Cyd_StVincent and @Kipp Slinger) are trailblazers - you're changing conversations. That takes time and patience and sometimes comes with the risk of shaming, stigma, loss. But, the conversations don't change if you don't change them - if you don't share your truth with people, they never truly know you and they never have the chance to change their minds. I can't tell you how to do this, but I can tell you that you're the guy to do it.

[+ honcho]

I own my home and rent out the basement to my sister, who seems not to question when I host incalls. Either she thinks they're just random hookups, or she knows what I'm doing and hasn't brought it up at all ...

 

At the same time, I know I need to tell someone for safety reasons. I've absolutely been in situations where I've felt uncomfortable or threatened by clients. I've been hurt by clients ...

 

It's complicated and I feel like I don't know what to do here.

 

So ... I haven't walked a mile in your moccasins (other than having a sliver of a secret life by doing a tiny bit of porn many, many years ago) and it would seem likely that @Eric Hassan would have already given you really good advice, but if he hasn't mentioned already -

 

Your sister's safety may also be marginally impacted when you host incalls (although the housemate of anybody who has an actively varied sex life would be almost equally affected) and it would seem to me that you should eventually discuss it with her.

 

You likely do not want to leave a paper trail by sending emails to a friend every time you do an outcall (as that could potentially be subpoena'd ) and from a point of expedience, your sister knowing would facilitate a standing convention like, for example, if you haven't shown up by midnight or the next morning she might look for an envelope on the kitchen table giving your last known destination.

[+ Eric Hassan]

Nope, you're right. I'm gay and trans. My family is... preeeetty cool with it, but there definitely came a point where my father just threw up his hands and said, "I don't know what to call you anymore." So he's pretty far down on the list of people I'd ever tell, haha.

 

That sounds like "I'm a blank slate. Help me understand." to me. Maybe if he doesn't know what to say or do or how to refer to you, it's your chance to educate him.

 

 

Yeah, you're right. People will judge. But you and I have been through why I like escort work and why it works for my life, so like... fuck them, honestly. You're right. I should probably just cut them out.

 

I wouldn't cut anyone out until you give them a chance, unless you just don't want them in your life anymore.

[JoshATX]

A few close friends know and my sister, very supportive too!

[AndreFuture]

Only one of my friends knows and that's because I knew she was SW friendly. I'm definitely not ashamed of what I do—I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE (!) escorting, but I know the kind of sex-shaming society we live in and the negative repercussions that sexually liberated people (who aren't cishet men) experience—add whorephobia on top of it and for someone like me, I can kiss my professional networks and career goodbye. Plus, I have a super prude, judgmental, nosy, and backwards extended family, and while my immediate family is pretty chill, me being out as an escort would hurt my family through the extended folks. They've already been through a lot with me being out as trans and while annoying, I can live with not being open about my side career.

[TruHart1]

and a corollary question, for clients - who knows that you hire? Apart from the guys you hire, obviously. Offhand, I can only think of one person, a friend I met at the dancer boy bar; we've traded notes on local talent, although our tastes are very different. I know a couple, both old friends of mine, who might know, and one of them has said he's both paid for and been paid for sex in the past; so I'm sure there's no judgement there. Apart from that - I have friends who I met when I hired them and the friendship continued after they retired.

Very few friends know that I hire. My old roommate from years ago, with whom I was f*ckbuddies back in the day, another bisexual friend with benefits. He and I have always shared our sexual adventures with each other since we first hooked up, a week or two before he got married (to a woman!) My best friend who lives in Dallas, with whom I shared my very first hire! Since that time I've kept him up to date about all my experiences with escorts!

 

There are, of course, a number of acquaintances here on the forum I find myself naturally trading info with about various hires each of us experience but overall, I certainly don't think my hiring of escorts is any business of either my family or my other friends, who would definitely be shocked and/or offended if they knew I loved paying hot, sexy men for the best sexual adventures I've ever had in my life!!!

 

TruHart1

[GLEE]

and a corollary question, for clients - who knows that you hire? Apart from the guys you hire, obviously. Offhand, I can only think of one person, a friend I met at the dancer boy bar; we've traded notes on local talent, although our tastes are very different. I know a couple, both old friends of mine, who might know, and one of them has said he's both paid for and been paid for sex in the past; so I'm sure there's no judgement there. Apart from that - I have friends who I met when I hired them and the friendship continued after they retired.

 

Except for the people I've hired, no one else in my real life knows I'm hiring, not even my closest friends (Well, I definitely shared some experiences with friends I met here though). I just feel like it'd be nice to still keep a part of my life just to myself, and hiring is definitely part of that.

[Cliff]

Nobody knows I hire. Not a soul. Pretty sure it's going to stay that way.

[+ HornyRetiree]

The men I hire. No one else needs to know -- just as they don't need to know about all the free sex. Some parts of life are private.

[Pepper Young]

Two close friends know I hire. In fact I've given tips to one on how to hire successfully (he has yet to do so) and the other hires from time-to-time but not as regularly as I do. And I've told my doctor I hire, under the guise of doctor-patient confidentiality, but that's it. My family would freak if they found out (more about the $$$ than anything else) and the guys at work don't need to know what I do.

[+ not2rowdy]

...I know I need to tell someone for safety reasons. I've absolutely been in situations where I've felt uncomfortable or threatened...

 

Maybe some ideas in this resource to help alleviate some concerns.

http://hook-online.com/safety-beyond-sex-video/

[liubit]

Only my boyfriend, the boys I meet, and a very close friend are aware if this particular hiring hobby of mine. I am not embarrassed, I just feel it is nobody's damn business to know what I do in bed, or whom I do it with.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

I let the t-shirt do all the talking...

 

[Epigonos]

Everybody wears different shoes thus one size doesn't fit all. How one chooses to live one’s life is one’s own business. Until someone has lived my life they are NOT welcome to tell me how to live it. Each and every one of us has the right to determine who we tell what about our private lives. It is absolutely absurd and presumptuous for some to conclude that if some of us chose to keep certain parts of our private lives private we are damaging ourselves mentally.

 

The one caveat to the above is that unless we are prepared to face the consequences of having made public what we are doing privately then we shouldn’t be doing it. Some of my family and friends would be appalled to learn that I hire escorts thus I see no purpose in making THEM uncomfortable. I might also add that on this issue I am definitely NOT crusader rabbit.

[Kevin Slater]

I am definitely NOT crusader rabbit.

 

 

Kevin Slater

[Cyd_StVincent]

So I think about this a lot and was literally having this discussion this week: nobody in my life knows I'm an escort. There's only one person I've met offline who knows, and that's because... well, they escort themselves (@Eric Hassan, what's good?).

 

I own my home and rent out the basement to my sister, who seems not to question when I host incalls. Either she thinks they're just random hookups, or she knows what I'm doing and hasn't brought it up at all.

 

I'm conflicted and wish I could tell people. I don't actually know what's stopping me. I have trans friends, but none who escort. In fact, one of my closest trans friends is a social worker who definitely looks down his nose at people with active sex lives, period. He's preached to me constantly about STI treatment and prevention. (The great irony is one of the things I do when I'm not escorting is work as a sexual health educator.) So, while I really love my escort work and think it's a great fit for me in my overall career and goals, I worry that some of my closest friends can be... judgmental.

 

At the same time, I know I need to tell someone for safety reasons. I've absolutely been in situations where I've felt uncomfortable or threatened by clients. I've been hurt by clients. (See also: why I don't use Backpage anymore.) And every time I leave such situations, I think: "if this man had killed me, nobody would know."

 

Sorry to revive a dead thread, but... ugh! It's complicated and I feel like I don't know what to do here.

 

Damn, I'm really sorry I didn't get it together to hang out. I think it could have been a nice meeting for both of us. I have kind of the opposite of many people on here - almost everyone in my life knows - but also sex work is pretty normal in the communities I'm a part of. Most of my friends, lovers and partners have either spent some time in the industry or are in pretty close proximity to it enough for it to not be much of an issue. That is to say I'm very very out - much of my professional life, even outside of doing sex work myself, has been working with other sex workers in public health so, you know, I live and breathe the hooker community and it's great. But also it means that I'm committed in a way that is life effecting, this history isn't something I can take off if I wanted to become a teacher or foster kids, and that is sad because I know that my having done sex work in no way means that I'm not capable or moral in any sense of the word.

 

I understand there are lots of reasons to not live the life I do, but I do think if you want to find more community you can and they will be people for whom this will never be an issue - you just need to find them and they are pretty great I do know some sex work positive queers in Baltimore and if you are in NYC again I can totally introduce you to some too.

 

In the meantime - there is an app called kitestring.io which theoretically was made for women going on dates in the straight world but it is a great safety measure for sex work as well. You set a message saying where you are going and who you are going to be with which will send to up to two people if you don't check in with the app by the time you set. That way someone can get a message if something really goes wrong and you need them to know but you don't need to text them every time, or maybe ever have them receive a text at all. Good luck and hit me up if you ever want to talk <3

[JudasKane]

.... In the meantime - there is an app called kitestring.io which theoretically was made for women going on dates in the straight world but it is a great safety measure for sex work as well. You set a message saying where you are going and who you are going to be with which will send to up to two people if you don't check in with the app by the time you set. That way someone can get a message if something really goes wrong and you need them to know but you don't need to text them every time, or maybe ever have them receive a text at all.....

 

Thank you so much for sharing that resource @Cyd_StVincent

This looks like it could be a very helpful tool for potentially sketchy meetings!

[+ poolboy48220]

I agree, that is pretty awesome. I only have one friend who knows I use escorts. I have another couple of friends who I could probably tell without any judgement (or surprise, probably ) It's kind of like the "if I die, these letters will be sent to these people" from spy/horror stories. @Cyd_StVincent , have you used it?

[Cyd_StVincent]

I agree, that is pretty awesome. I only have one friend who knows I use escorts. I have another couple of friends who I could probably tell without any judgement (or surprise, probably ) It's kind of like the "if I die, these letters will be sent to these people" from spy/horror stories. @Cyd_StVincent , have you used it?

 

I have used it a couple times - now I live with people I can check in with for new dates. I've recommended it to a lot of people and its worked really well for them except when one persons phone died and they weren't able to check in in time and kind of freaked a couple people out but thats an ok price to pay I do think its good in the message to specify what you want them to do - show up at the location? call the police? Call the number of the client? Its very important to let your safety person know this info!

[Bargara Leatherboy]

Society stigmatizes.

 

There is a YouTube clip of a flash mob proposal, with lots of derogatory comments as one of the gents used to be a sex worker

 

I work in law enforcement and am constantly horrified at the judgemental attitudes of my colleagues towards the sex industry.

 

Yes I get that some of the industry is criminal or on the fringe, but the gay side of the industry appears not to be.

 

No wonder people keep this part of their lives private

[Guy Fawkes]

Daddy knows and wants a extra special discount!

 

 

My roommate knows so he is always wanting to get a special discount from me

 

I have to lock my door at night as I sleep naked, I don't want to wake up in the middle of the night with my boyhole swallowing something big inside

[jjperry]

My husband and close friends know, but that's about it. It would upset my family, and I already keep them at arm's length, so telling them would be of no benefit.

 

I hear you, and I speak as someone who has occasionally escorted in the past.

[sexymonk]

I think what escort do s none of others business unless it is harmful! Not everything is to be disclosed unless it is necessary, affecting livelihood!

[Mocha]

Everybody wears different shoes thus one size doesn't fit all. How one chooses to live one’s life is one’s own business. Until someone has lived my life they are NOT welcome to tell me how to live it. Each and every one of us has the right to determine who we tell what about our private lives. It is absolutely absurd and presumptuous for some to conclude that if some of us chose to keep certain parts of our private lives private we are damaging ourselves mentally.

 

Only one of my friends knows and that's because I knew she was SW friendly. Plus, I have a super prude, judgmental, nosy, and backwards extended family, and while my immediate family is pretty chill, me being out as an escort would hurt my family through the extended folks.

 

I also ask you to consider this: if you're seriously concerned about getting a negative reaction from the people in your life, you might want to question whether they belong in your life. People might be taken aback and might not immediately understand, but if you're worried about shame or losing friends ... well, is that who you want in your life? I obviously don't know your friends/family and I haven't lived a moment in your shoes, but I support you having loving, supportive folks in your life.

 

My concern is why you have to broadcast? I do this quite discreetly, was it wrong?

 

 

Ooo, Thankyou Gawd and @OliverSaks for posting this thread. I seen it but couldn't read it until today as I've had limited internet access all week. But then something crossed my mind this morning and I remembered this thread. I wish I could quote everybody, but I'm going to quote all the above comments in one sweep.

 

@Epigonos , you said it pretty much what I would have said. It's all a personal decision step.

 

I've been since 2009. I've done everything from telling people right away to waiting months, to never telling at all. This used to be an argument for awhile, but over the years I've found the least drama to occur when I DON'T tell people.

 

I talked about this recently. Maybe in a different context or off topic. When it comes to @Lance_Navarro and @Eric Hassan , It seems that maybe when you get a certain age or can put a certification on your title, that perhaps the people around you, "understand" more. Also, and this is going to sound cliche and pulling the race card, but race also matters. I believe the gay society favors the White or similar escorts choice to be an escort moreso than the Black escorts. And I specifically say Black because we deal with specific stigmas from people as related to escorting, as [uSER=12528]@FTM_Twink[/uSER] mentions. We get it from people we know and don't know. Especially Lance, my mother wouldn't even let me have a girlfriend in the home, let alone a guy twice my age. Oh my God. Hell, my first gay experience took place in my parents home while they were away at work, while skipping class. Couple times or more, my mom would pop home without warning over lunch break. Even now, 15 years later I can't even fathom what would have happened if she were to that day. The guy would have been arrested, and I would have been grounded for 4 years until I was 18.

 

Now, back to current times...again I've done the promise to be open, and it's backfired. Just in the 5 years, I've had someone tell a Cabin full of people I was a prositute in order to get me removed, while threatening to call the police, I had a heartbreaking experience couple years ago where I dated a guy 2-3 times. Cuban guy, everything was going in the right direction. Then the discussion for my work came up, and though he seemed supportive, he then said because of that, he couldn't date me but could be friends. However, he had no problem continuing to see a white guy (who I knew) who was an escort and did porn (based on run ins at the nightclub in Denver). Yet, he completely cut me off. He said he wished I was told him earlier, but he wasn't honest when he was seeing someone else until AFTER he knew I was an escort. Which ended up a nasty confrontation one night at the nightclub.

 

I had a guy most recently; we weren't dating, but "hung out and hooked up" a couple times. After we hooked up, he stops hitting me up. Days go by, then out the blue he says, "is that you on Adam?" Referring to my escort profile. Now, I didn't meet him on Adam. I met him in person. I found it kinda sneaky the timing and how he asked. At that point things fizzled from there. For some reason, I resent him for that. It's common for Black men to go snooping around on Adam, see my profile, and then give me some gesture of disapproval or shock...or wait knowing, only to bring it up when they need an out. Cowards. Then it becomes a debate about I should have brung it up. No, YOU should have bought it up because you were the one who went looking. Ole lying ass MFers be trying to play the field, then step in some shit they don't want to address. They want to talk about my profession, but not their addiction to adam4adam.

 

But going back to @Eric Hassan , I Agree because if people aren't accepting, why keep them around? That's true. BUT...you know what? They need to get to know me first. That's not the first thing they need to know. Of course some people find out, then I get painted as not being upfront and honest. So the argument to come out does seem valid.

 

As of now, there's people who know...yes. I'm not the best liar or hider and not having another job at the moment makes it hard to cover up. BUT, what I feel most comfortable with, is assessing someone's personality before I have the conversation. There's a lot of people who knew, who shouldn't of. And they used it against me to damage my character as a person. I also discussed this with Ray Dalton who is very open about his sexuality. Again, someone of age, White, very comfortable with himself. Who's going to tell him anything? I told him that's great, but not everyone can be that open. Everyone has different comfort levels and reasons. You can't push someone off the ledge just because you're hopping off of cliffs and skydiving and shit.

[Mocha]

Well, an update: I just told this guy I was seeing that I escort. I kind of fought it because I try to keep that information personal, and again, literally nobody else knows; but I really like this guy and he brought up the relationship question, so I knew I had to tell him before things went any further. He ended up being really OK with it, and hooray! Now somebody knows. He's even gone so far as to offer to be the one who checks where I am and to check up on me if I don't return home by certain time. It's a little bit of a weight off my shoulders.

 

Well that's good. But don't get too lax or tell ALL because I've had some people say they're cool, and then stab me in the back later in the relationship. Not to be a downer or distrustful, but you still don't know the person too well and things like sex and money and such still cause people to turn evil. It's the people that get closest who you let your guard down the most. I had met one guy couple months ago and told him I was an escort. He said he was cool and wanted to do it also perhaps...but then he started asking how much I make, saying if we get together I can't kiss clients, etc. I'm like whoa whoa whoa. We ain't doing all that.

 

But the key thing in your situation is that you did allow some time to get to know each other before telling. I've had the best reception when I did it that way and got to know the person first over weeks. Not just come out on the first, second or third date

 

Of course it's not clear if some of the other people here who were suggesting that "everyone knows" were told right away, or after some time knowing them. Of course, everyone can know...but perhaps it's the timing that's important. Though, some people expect things to be told right off the bat.

 

Now...just to be clear, in my above post, these situations weren't from strangers being solicited. Its not like I showed up to and tried to solicit randoms at bars and casinos and such. I don't do all that. These were people I had gotten to know and trust.