Can We Talk ? - Relationships

[jjkrkwood]

Relationships are hard to find and tricky to maintain. But most often you find that the effort you put in is worth the happiness, fulfillment and security you get out..

 

What would you do if you are in, OR would ever find yourself in the following situations?

 

Part 1:

You meet a guy. He is attractive (just your type), seems normal, nice and friendly and you go on a date.

 

Overtime you find yourself liking him, he is smart, funny and attentive, doesnt seem to have alot of "baggage", and you are intellectually and spiritually compatible (we'll leave politics out of this). You enjoy your times together, and in the wink of an eye, you find yourself in a committed relationship. Even your friends like him... Perfect right ? Not exactly.... The sex isnt satisfying or fulfilling for you... sure the first time was new and exciting and OK, but as the relationship blossomed because everything ELSE was perfect, the sex took a back seat, although it should be the other way around... It's been awhile, but there just isnt a spark. They have turned to embers... YES, you have discussed the problem with him, and he IS trying, but it just isnt working for YOU... (he is perfectly content)

 

Question: Do you continue in this relationship and savour all the good parts of it, OR do you cut him loose in search of that mind-blowing, toe curling sex you know is possible ?

 

 

 

 

Part 2:

You hire an escort. He is your type, attractive, hot (in your eyes), convenient.. You have a great time with him and hire him again. Over time, he becomes your GO TO guy. You establish a bond. He is available when you want him and the price is right. While your focus with him has been growing the connection, the sex became secondary, however it IS important to you. He meets every EMOTIONAL need, but sexually, it isnt cutting it for YOU.. It is ordinary and routine and cannot justify its expense. But he is always anxious to see you, and also seems to rely on a steady income that he gets from your hires.

 

Question: Do you continue to hire him for friendship and the emotional connection, overlooking the absence of sexual fulfillment, or do you cut him loose and "put your money where the SEX is" ?

 

Which of you is my GO TO Boy again ???

 

http://www.getbig.com/boards/index.php?action=dlattach;topic=242927.0;attach=283073;image

[gallahadesquire]

"Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love." - Woody Allen

[gallahadesquire]

1. Perhaps a more open relationship / ability to hire outside the relationship?
   
2. See #1.
   
3. None of them. I find a more natural build to be more attractive:
   

http://img07.deviantart.net/95c3/i/2009/026/c/8/matt_york_9157_by_studio4496.jpg

[jjkrkwood]

1. Perhaps a more open relationship / ability to hire outside the relationship?
   
2. See #1.
   
3. None of them. I find a more natural build to be more attractive:
   

http://img07.deviantart.net/95c3/i/2009/026/c/8/matt_york_9157_by_studio4496.jpg

 

 

 

LOL Gall, unless that Old gray haired dude is YOU sitting in that chair. That particular question was not aimed at the forum... It was just for "illustration"

[AndreFuture]

Part 1: Left to my own devices, I've got a low sex drive anyway, so I'd probably be OK with this situation since emotional connection would be the ultimate reason I choose to be in a relationship. If not, I'd look into an open relationship, or better yet, see if he'd be OK with threesomes.

 

Part 2: I don't hire, so I can't say.

[bigvalboy]

Part 1...

At my age there's no more mind-blowing, toe curling sex, so I would keep him for all the good parts of the relationship.

 

Part 2...

I would cut him loose, and put my money in the bank. I'm not an ATM machine.

[jjkrkwood]

Part 1...

At my age there's no more mind-blowing, toe curling sex, so I would keep him for all the good parts of the relationship.

 

Part 2...

I would cut him loose, and put my money in the bank. I'm not an ATM machine.

 

 

I'll Drink to That !

 

http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/I+ll+drink+to+that+description_e10624_3521699.jpg

[LivingnLA]

Part 1:

 

Perhaps I'm weird or I misunderstood the"backseat reference," but I actually disagree with the contention that sex should be the primary determinant of a healthy relationship. Sex is a facet, but only one of many that all cohere or not to form a stable, healthy, and functional relationship. And like all things human, they change and vary over time.

 

For me, over the time we've been married, all these facets have varied and I expect them to continue to ebb and flow as time goes on. That's life and perfectly natural. We've committed to each other for life and--so far--we've grown, changed, and adapted together. We're stronger as individuals and as a couple because of our marriage.

 

Part 2:

 

I wouldn't allow it to get that far. Part of the understanding I have at home is that I must always make sure our primary relationship is my emotional center and that no other interaction may threaten that, so while I want to know an escort and make a connection for something regular, I also need to make sure it remains a professional relationship. Obviously, I'm talking out my ass on this one since I have no direct experience. It's all mental masturbation at this point.

[liubit]

Part 1

In my own experience, sex has become less frequent with my partner of 15 years, but when it happens, it is still mind-blowing. Although he is 10 tears younger than me, I have a higher, much higher sex drive than him and, understanding my needs, he is perfectly OK with my hiring escorts, and escorts only.

 

Part 2

I hire often, and have friendly relations with my regulars. However, the boundaries are clearly understood by all parties concerned. The boys are there to satisfy my sexual appetite, and my sexual appetite only. Besides the normal friendship that inevitably develops, there are no emotional strings attached. If the sex becomes boring, unsatisfactory or mechanical (it has happened only with one or two of them), I simply cut them loose.

 

My emotional needs are fulfilled by my boyfriend, my physical requirements by my boys. It sounds tricky, but it has worked for me. Oh, and the boyfriend also hires, although it happens once in a blue moon. I am the slut in the couple

[jjkrkwood]

Part 1:

 

Perhaps I'm weird or I misunderstood the"backseat reference," but I actually disagree with the contention that sex should be the primary determinant of a healthy relationship. Sex is a facet, but only one of many that all cohere or not to form a stable, healthy, and functional relationship. And like all things human, they change and vary over time.

 

For me, over the time we've been married, all these facets have varied and I expect them to continue to ebb and flow as time goes on. That's life and perfectly natural. We've committed to each other for life and--so far--we've grown, changed, and adapted together. We're stronger as individuals and as a couple because of our marriage.

 

Part 2:

 

I wouldn't allow it to get that far. Part of the understanding I have at home is that I must always make sure our primary relationship is my emotional center and that no other interaction may threaten that, so while I want to know an escort and make a connection for something regular, I also need to make sure it remains a professional relationship. Obviously, I'm talking out my ass on this one since I have no direct experience. It's all mental masturbation at this point.

 

MR LLA, I dont think I ever said that sex SHOULD be the major component of a relationship. The reference was that the sex usually gets better over time in a realtionship, and I was questioning what to do if that were not the case. Sex in a relationship should be as important as you Want /Need it to be. There are no rules. If sex is #1 to you, then you need to find a relationship where that is provided. Whats Healthy for one couple may not prove so for another. It's as diff as your DNA...

 

Personally, I am a SIZE Queen and found a partner which i had for 22 years that had a huge pumped veiny cock with heavy pendulous balls, that always dripped precum after he pumped or was stimulated. You would think I would be happy and satisfied ? Yet after time, it became routine to me because it was attached to the same partner. Although I am best in a relationship, I also needed variety and our relationship evolved into an OPEN one... until his sudden passing....

[down_to_business]

Part 1. I would stick with the relationship. As others have said, there is so much more to a good relationship than mind blowing sex. We could explore an open relationship, we could explore including others, we could explore therapy- it sounds like the other more important foundations are already set and functioning well. I get a lot of satisfaction from simple things like just kissing and cuddling and watching a movie, so we would be ok!

 

Part 2. I should cut him loose. Hopefully I would cut him loose. But if the past is any indication, I would have a difficult time cutting him loose. I would say I am cautiously optimistic that I have learned from my past mistakes and that yes, I would indeed cut him loose but even better, not let it progress to the point where it got to this. Hiring for friendship and emotional connection is a losing proposition. You do not pay people to be your true friends. Some of us have to learn this the hard way and it can be a very painful lesson to learn.

[LivingnLA]

Yup. Relationships take two or more to negotiate and that automatically means what works for one relationship may not necessarily work for another since each person brings different values, priorities, etc. to the exchange.

 

As I said, I may have misunderstood, which appears to be the case. I wasn't judging you or your perspective. Your reply seems "fired up" or maybe I'm misreading that too. My experiences will vary from someone else's, but I think certain commonalities exist in successful relationships.

 

Regardless, thanks for sharing. This forum has been an interesting place. I'm glad I found it.

[Rudynate]

The most important thing to know about relationships -any relationship, be it a primary relationship with a spouse or life partner, or semi long-term relationship with an escort, or whatever -- is that if you want it to last, you don't leave. That's it, everything flows from that. If it isn't important that it last, you have a different set of options. But even within the imperative of "you don't leave," you can adopt the mindset of it being a possibility or opportunity rather than a predicament.

[jjkrkwood]

The most important thing to know about relationships -any relationship, be it a primary relationship with a spouse or life partner, or semi long-term relationship with an escort, or whatever -- is that if you want it to last, you don't leave. That's it, everything flows from that. If it isn't important that it last, you have a different set of options. But even within the imperative of "you don't leave," you can adopt the mindset of it being a possibility or opportunity rather than a predicament.

 

Absolutely True Rudy, but I have found, on closer introspection that the "reasons" for staying can be as dangerous and harmful to your mental health as an unsatisfactory relationship. If you truly love a person, that is a good reason, but if you are staying out of fear of being alone, etc, that is not a healthy outlook.

[Rudynate]

Absolutely True Rudy, but I have found, on closer introspection that the "reasons" for staying can be as dangerous and harmful to your mental health as an unsatisfactory relationship. If you truly love a person, that is a good reason, but if you are staying out of fear of being alone, etc, that is not a healthy outlook.

 

 

"possibility or opportunity rather than a predicament."

[WolfRamNHard]

Part 1 - I would choose the relationship because quality relationships are not that common and it takes a lot of work to get to that point. On the other hand, good sex is ubiquitous and not that hard to find (or so it seems). A workable compromise would be to open up the relationship and find the good sex elsewhere.

 

Part 2 - While an emotional connection with a hire may complement and even enhance the sex, I would not choose to hire *solely* for friendship. But this may be a semantic issue. As far as I'm concerned, the primary bond in a friendship is between people who mutually enjoy each others' company and don't require the exchange of money/gifts to sustain. While there is sometimes give-and-take involving physical goods or money in a friendship, the key point is that friendship is not defined as a transactional relationship, i.e., any such exchanges of goods are secondary. To me a true friend is someone who can be depended on to be there for support when things are not going well. That means that if you happen to fall into financial hardship, they won't abandon you (unlike Fassbinder's Fox). But if you're paying for this type of interaction in the first place, then by definition it will not be there for you when the going gets tough.

[WolfRamNHard]

tl;dr for part 2 above - If I have to pay someone to be my friend, is s/he truly a friend?

[+ Eric Hassan]

Question: Do you continue in this relationship and savour all the good parts of it, OR do you cut him loose in search of that mind-blowing, toe curling sex you know is possible ?

I'm fortunate enough to be in a very loving, committed relationship. We have fucking amazing sex, which is part of the reason we wanted to be together. We don't have sex as often as we'd like - we have different sex drives, he works long days, and my schedule is variable from day to day. What makes us work is what we term "house rules" and it means that we are honest and upfront about our feelings and experiences, we assume anything that the other says or does comes from love, we ask each other questions, and we seek win-win situations. So, I can't say what works for me will work for everyone, but I think if we are able to communicate freely and really be heard by our partner, then we have chosen well, and sex - no matter how important or good or frequent - can be something that can be talked about, and a win-win situation can be found.

 

Part 2:

 

Question: Do you continue to hire him for friendship and the emotional connection, overlooking the absence of sexual fulfillment, or do you cut him loose and "put your money where the SEX is" ?

If I were a client in this situation, I would continue to pay as long as I felt I was getting the return on my money that I wanted and had the means to sustain that choice.

[+ Eric Hassan]

The most important thing to know about relationships -any relationship, be it a primary relationship with a spouse or life partner, or semi long-term relationship with an escort, or whatever -- is that if you want it to last, you don't leave. That's it, everything flows from that. If it isn't important that it last, you have a different set of options. But even within the imperative of "you don't leave," you can adopt the mindset of it being a possibility or opportunity rather than a predicament.

 

This is so beautiful. If you want it to last, you don't leave.

[mike carey]

This is so beautiful. If you want it to last, you don't leave.

Absolutely it is! Eric has said as much in his personal relationships. Such inspiration.

[jjkrkwood]

It may be a beautiful sentiment, but its not always practical. Some things just DONT work, no matter how hard or how much work you put into it. Staying and beating the proverbial Dead horse wont help, and is not healthy. You need to know if its time to "pull the plug"... and when. Without BLAME.... Sometimes the best option is "to move on ".....

[Rudynate]

This is so beautiful. If you want it to last, you don't leave.

 

And I know whereof I speak - I've been "not leaving" my man for 24 years.

[Racketjock]

Rudynate and I share a similar perspective and tenure of relationships. My wedding vows were and are viewed by me as commitment. It might be sappy, but we still love, honor, and cherish one another and are committed to making it work. What has been harder to do is realize my partner and I, rather than our friends and society, get to decide for us what loving, honoring, and cherishing means. It can change, and does. I think that is the beauty of life, and the toe curling sex does play a part, however that happens.

[Rudynate]

It may be a beautiful sentiment, but its not always practical. Some thing just DONT work, no matter how hard or how much work you put into it. Staying and beating the proverbial Dead horse wont help, and is not healthy. You need to know if its time to "pull the plug"... and when. Without BLAME.... Sometimes the best option is "to move on ".....

 

 

I agree. It's a difficult row to hoe under any circumstances, but impossible when you're coming from a commitment to having your relationship not work.

[Rudynate]

Rudynate and I share a similar perspective and tenure of relationships. My wedding vows were and are viewed by me as commitment. It might be sappy, but we still love, honor, and cherish one another and are committed to making it work. What has been harder to do is realize my partner and I, rather than our friends and society, get to decide for us what loving, honoring, and cherishing means. It can change, and does. I think that is the beauty of life, and the toe curling sex does play a part, however that happens.

 

 

+1, +1, +1 . . .