How can I help?

[bigguyinpasadena]

I just received an email from one of the escorts of this board-I will not say which one.

He and I have corresponded over the last few months.This is a GORGEOUS man,healthy(HIV neg)young,and succesful in his chosen career.He does not have a drug or alcohol problem.

The problem is-he no longer wants to be on this earth.

I have no problem with folks who have run their course chooosing to end their lives,and I have assisted terminal friends through the suicide process.But, I just cannot let this fella take this VERY permanent solution to a (probably)temporary set of problems.

If this fella reads this,and I know he reads this board,please please email me so we can set up a time to talk.

Why leave before the miracles start to happen?

With hope,concern,and love I hope we on this board can help a fellow human being through a difficult time.

Any constructive suggestions will be welcome.

[eastbayguy]

Clearly a plea for help. Glad you were there to answer and are willing to step up. Sadly, this is not the first time this issue has arisen among users of this site.

 

As well meaning and well intentioned as any of us may be, this is not a project for amatuers. By whatever means necessary, you need to steer this guy to mental health professionals. If this guy is in your area, call the suicide prevention line for your area yourself. Listen carefully to what they have to say and do what they say. (If you're both in LA, the gay community center has a 24 hour suicide prevention line. An excellent starting point.)

 

People threaten suicide all the time. You must take it seriously, as you appear to be doing. While I believe you to be a decent and caring person, you have no training in this situation. Probably no one here does. The next step needs to be a call to a suicide prevention line or other mental health professional. They will know what to do.

 

Good luck. Thank you for caring enough for this person to be involved.

 

--EBG

[marc anthony]

BGP: I hope that you are successful in helping him through this. I am glad he contacted you.

[guptasa1]

I have to agree. Professional help is the best option in a situation like this. Depression and suicidal thoughts are a very dark place to be, and there's often not a quick fix, but help is out there (I struggle with these myself. As of late, I do see a therapist. It does help, and I won't even take meds.)

 

Aside from that, I think you've done the most important thing you can do - offer someone he can talk to and who'll listen. Sometimes just knowing someone cares can mean the world when you're feeling like this.

 

At any rate, I certainly wish him the very best, and I also KNOW he can recover from or at least (initially) manage this with some help. (I have no idea who this person is obviously, but whether I know him or not, if he reads this board, I'd gladly also offer a listening ear if needed - I doubt it is, but just in case.)

[Spida]

Hey Bigguy,

 

I have dealt with this personally and with friends. I had a friend who tried to kill himself numerous times and was hospitalized for months at a time. I personally tried once, but fortunately to no avail and I was able to get help.

 

I realize this is going to sound strange, but I never wanted to committ suicide I just didn't want to live any longer. I think there is a difference. However my wanting to be dead moved to actually doing something. The advice above is very accurate, get help and profesional help.

 

However, I think you can do quite a bit. Listen (as I know you are) Don't be judgmental let him know you understand. And see if you can physically be with the person, try not to leave them alone. Sometimes people don't want professional help and you can't make them acquire it. So if you are being supportive and help him see if he gets prof help there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't tell him that he is a great looking guy and he shouldn't have these feelings because he has so much going for him. Let him know you understand his feelings, and he can get over them.

 

Someone mentioned medication, I think meds are a very important part but not the end all. IMHO meds are like alcohol they mask the real issue, they treat the symptoms not the cause. But Meds can get you to a place where you can treat the cause. I never took any and I am a very happy somewhat well adjusted person. I am not always happy byt smost of the time. Prof help can get your friend there also.

 

spida

[happyguy2]

Dear BGP,

 

You are so right to take this on. Be assured of our complete support. Suicide is a terrible thing. Whenever it happens, everyone - family and friends - blame themselves for not having done something. Often, we are left helpless in the face of such sentiments of no longer wanting to live, etc.

 

I live in a city of over a million people - not too big. One of my friends owns a series of local funeral homes. He tells me that in this city alone, his eight funeral homes handle a total of about 14 suicides A WEEK. Many of them are covered up. So, it is true that this must be taken seriously.

 

Another friend is a clergyman, and he told me that getting the person to a mental health professional is essential. In the meantime, know we support you in your efforts - and if ever you have the chance, let him know that all of us would do anything to encourage him to live. Not even knowing him, just reading about him, makes me think of the great good he could accomplish on this earth - if only he could be helped to overcome his current problems.

 

Our thoughts and prayers go out to him - and you!

 

hg

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Loads of good advice, Spida and from others too. I agree that drugs may not be the 'be all and end all' solution but if not it does offer an important emergency bridge.

 

BGP, does the guy have a regular job or routine to address daily? Keeping busy with such a disctraction is also a short term aid to assist in 'getting by' until some serious help is obtained and has a chance to 'take hold'.

 

As far as getting him to seek help... the best thing to do is for him to talk with someone that has been to the abyss, experienced the unbearable emptiness and returned from the edge -- a living example that there can be light at the end of the tunnel.

 

These people almost universally want help but they feel helpless and hopeless and grow weary of the inner pain.

[Guest rohale]

>With hope,concern,and love I hope we on this board can help a

>fellow human being through a difficult time.

 

In a way, right now you're the surrogate family for him. Stay close to him and provide as much comfort for him as you possibly can. You seem like a really decent guy for doing this for your friend. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things get better for your friend.

 

Rohale

[Rick Munroe]

I have a similar problem that I posted about a few weeks back. One of my regular clients, a nice but depressed closeted guy in his early 30's, has disappeared (to me, anyway). He was suicidal when we met a couple of years ago, but with each meeting, he seemed to be getting better (I also referred him to a therapist, who, along with Derek and me, was the only other person who knew he was gay). I stopped hearing from him a few months ago, and since it was always completely anonymous (he'd contact me from pay phones or by email), I have no way of knowing if he merely moved on or if something more tragic occurred. It breaks my heart but since discretion is key, there's not much I can do.

 

As others advised above, urge that escort to get professional help...and be there for him. He is obviously reaching out to you for help.

[nate_sf]

If he's in LA and you can somehow work it with your work schedule, and if you're trying to get him into counseling, I'd strongly suggest you accompany him to get him set up if at all possible. My partner and I have gone through similar situations with three different guys in the past two years, and we've seen how easy it is for someone to fall through the cracks of social services if they don't have someone alongside serving as an "advocate" for them. Our experience has been that, in these days of bare-bones social services, there is a tendency for some of the organizations to send people back through the door with nothing more than a referral list... not that they're being intentionally negligent, but there is just such a great demand for such limited resources that there is a tendency to "get rid" of people if they seem like they're basically OK. For someone who is scared, depressed, or used to hiding their feelings, they may not be up to insisting they get the treatment they need. My partner has found that it's not until he's gone in alongside our friend with a pad of paper and taking notes, and identifying him as our friend's advocate, that the brush-off stops. I hate that it's come to this, but in our experience this is how it is.

 

This advice may be moot if you're not in the same city and can't find someone local to hook him up with, but as others have said here this is a situation that unfortunately comes up fairly regularly, so it's kind of general advice. The hard thing is this really requires going the extra mile and a lot of time and energy, and when my partner and I have spent this much time helping someone get themselves set up we've been surprised how many other friends just suddenly disappear when it becomes apparent how much effort is going to be involved. So you may find yourself being the only one really helping this guy out.

 

I hate to seem so negative, and it's not meant to be since with each of the guys we've helped recently, they've all managed to get themselves the care they've needed and got through this period in their lives. But it takes a lot of time, patience, and effort, but -- trite as it sounds -- can really make a difference.

[noviceny]

BGP,

 

You are referred to in social work terms as, "The Safe One." Your friend felt safe enough with you to reach out and try to get help. Congradulations for being that person...we need more safe people in this world.

 

I pretty much agree with the advice that everyone has given so far, and I am a mental health clinician (Liscensed Clinical Social Worker). He must start on the road to recovery with a qulified professional who is able to understand his unique situation.

 

I want to keep this short in case you have any other questions that you might want to ask. Please feel free...Ive been down this road before and I can give you an idea of your options.

 

Your a good man BGP

 

Peace,

 

Jim

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

Internal Damage

 

>He and I have corresponded over the last few months.This is a

>GORGEOUS man,healthy(HIV neg)young,and succesful in his chosen

>career.He does not have a drug or alcohol problem.

>The problem is-he no longer wants to be on this earth.

 

This reminds me of several adult film actors in the 90s who were also young, good looking, one in a relationship and one not. For all appearances, both were in good health, although the rumor on one was that his decision for suicide was related to a positive HIV diagnosis. I knew them both and knew some of their family and friends, who knew them well; as far as I was ever told, this was only a rumor.

 

With depressed or unhappy individuals, often the problems below the surface, which are not readily apparent, are what cause the biggest problems or create the most concern for these individuals. Those things which most of us might value (good health, "gorgeous" good looks, financial success) may be outwardly apparent in their lives, but not of paramount concern to them.

 

While I agree with the advice presented here, that competent professional help is called for, I do believe that there is something a non-professional can do for someone who is calling out for help, who is suffering from depression or is highly impacted by unhappiness.

 

Good luck to you in this situation and best wishes for this individual.

[noviceny]

RE: Internal Damage

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

While I agree with the advice presented here, that competent professional help is called for, I do believe that there is something a non-professional can do for someone who is calling out for help, who is suffering from depression or is highly impacted by unhappiness.

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

Absolutely!!! It is usually the non-professional that does an incredible and noble work by providing them with the support they need to actually get in to counseling. Also, the professionals see an individual for an hour (if you are lucky), but the friend spends much more time with the individual.

 

Also, people can be very down on medication. I used to believe that the power of the human mind and help from others can help anyone overcome anything. I know see that medication is extremely valuable when used properly, and can alleviate much needless suffering. It also can free the mind enough for a person to function in everyday life and to be able to work on their problems.

 

The issues that may be present in the life of an escort are quite unique. It would be important to find a person who is able to deal with a potential deficit of knowledge, and who is commited to helping the client and not judging the profession that they have chosen.