Relationship Lazy?

[geminibear]

After giving it much thought, the practice of hiring companions has made me relationship lazy.

 

In the last 4 years I have found it to be very easy to just contact one of my favorite guys, make plans for an overnight or a long weekend, then at the end of the session I go back to my semi-hermit lifestyle.

 

While the thought of a relationship still appeals to me, it has become so easy to put no real effort into having one.

 

What is your take on this idea of relationship lazy?

[+ WmClarke]

Love it as a concept to discuss.

 

And fear I will do exactly that when I am unattached.

[+ Eric Hassan]

After giving it much thought, the practice of hiring companions has made me relationship lazy.

 

In the last 4 years I have found it to be very easy to just contact one of my favorite guys, make plans for an overnight or a long weekend, then at the end of the session I go back to my semi-hermit lifestyle.

 

While the thought of a relationship still appeals to me, it has become so easy to put no real effort into having one.

 

What is your take on this idea of relationship lazy?

 

Most people think having a romantic, one-on-one relationship is a mark of "success" in life. It's something you're "supposed" to do and, if you don't/aren't in this kind of relationship, there is a perception that you're somehow "incomplete." Are you being lazy, or just doing what feels right, regardless of what anyone else thinks?

[mike carey]

Most people think having a romantic, one-on-one relationship is a mark of "success" in life. It's something you're "supposed" to do and, if you don't/aren't in this kind of relationship, there is a perception that you're somehow "incomplete." Are you being lazy, or just doing what feels right, regardless of what anyone else thinks?

I don't think it's lazy, although it could go that way. To me it is a matter of what is appropriate at the time and place.

[Rudynate]

The fact that the question came up for you means there's an issue. If hiring and otherwise being a hermit were totally satisfying you would keep doing it without questioning it. This post by Jawjateck from a few months ago is right on point:

 

"This hobby seems to work best when we use it to add elements of fun and fantasy to an otherwise satisfying life. When it is used as a substitute to compensate for problems, struggles, essential life deficits, it can add to your burden.

 

Everyone needs to learn when to push back from the companion buffet table."

[+ Truereview]

I think @Rudynate has a point and everybody's experience is different enough that the point doesn't have to be right...it just has to cause introspection and dialogue. As I think about the concept of relationship lazy, I have to apply it to my own case...that's where the facts are.

 

I've been dating a guy for 6 months now. He knows about my hobby, he doesn't judge me; he is ready for a more serious step, I'm not. he is still willing to hang in there until things align for me. Yes, I realize I may miss my window and I'm willing to live with the consequences. I honestly don't think I'm being lazy, on the contrary, I invest time in getting to know him, his family, friends, what makes him tick. I'm just not ready to commit to more bc there are still aspects that I want to explore with companions that I've yet not done or had lost from mourning. I find that by spending intimate times with others, I do grow and I tend to appreciate my mate better. I'm actually working harder and more effectively today on this relationship than other relationships I've had in the past. Relationship lazy is the total opposite of what I'm experiencing bc of this hobby.

 

Gem - great post! Ty for raising the thought.

[Rudynate]

. Yes, I realize I may miss my window and I'm willing to live with the consequences.

 

There is an interesting sub-text here. Another way of saying the above might be, "If this one doesn't work out, there will always be another." Might you be viewing your current relationship as being disposable? Is that the best way to view gifts that come your way?

[+ Lance_Navarro]

There is an interesting sub-text here. Another way of saying the above might be, "If this one doesn't work out, there will always be another." Might you be viewing your current relationship as being disposable? Is that the best way to view gifts that come your way?

 

I get what you're saying and relationships do require compromise but I also understand where @Truereview is coming from and I don't believe one should give up something they love for another person, especially if you feel it is helping them grow, learn and be a better person. It's really no different than someone who wants an open relationship, or polyamory agreeing to monogamy. Such drastic oppositions often indicate the relationship may not be right, and making huge compromises can lead to resentment. Relationships are tricky, but it is truly possible to "have it all".

[Rudynate]

I get what you're saying and relationships do require compromise but I also understand where @Truereview is coming from and I don't believe one should give up something they love for another person, especially if you feel it is helping them grow, learn and be a better person. It's really no different than someone who wants an open relationship, or polyamory agreeing to monogamy. Such drastic oppositions often indicate the relationship may not be right, and making huge compromises can lead to resentment. Relationships are tricky, but it is truly possible to "have it all".

 

 

I agree. I'm one who "has it all." It seemed that TR might be minimizing the value of the current relationship in such a way as to encourage its demise.

[gallahadesquire]

Most people think having a romantic, one-on-one relationship is a mark of "success" in life. It's something you're "supposed" to do and, if you don't/aren't in this kind of relationship, there is a perception that you're somehow "incomplete." Are you being lazy, or just doing what feels right, regardless of what anyone else thinks?

 

My career had a variable schedule, so much so that even a cat was out of the question, let alone a dog or a person. That, and the last time I tried, I wound up seein a psychologist for two years.

[Rudynate]

I wound up seein a psychologist for two years.

 

What's wrong with that? You're probably a better person because of it.

[Guest]

My problem is that I'm just not attracted to most men my age. While there are exceptions (men such as Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, and Daniel Craig--the latter being a few years younger), I just can't see myself enjoying sex with men my age. And sex is my greatest enjoyment in life. My hope is to find someone younger whom I could help financially. The problem I run into, is that most of the men I find in sites such as houseboy.com are in their early 20s (or even a bit less!), which is too young. I suppose I would like to find a man in his 30s, or maybe late 20s or early 40s, who would enjoy being free of financial worries, perhaps to pursue a new type of career. I guess a retiring escort or porn star might be an example. The men4rentnow.com site has a question that asks whether the escort would be interested in a LTR, but I have often found that some escorts put that in as a scam to try to entice clients such as myself. One guy literally said "That just means I'm open to long-term clients." I don't find my status quo unsatisfying, although I keep thinking there's got to be some man out there for whom there could be a mutually beneficial arrangement. There definitely are a lot of scammers out there who tell me how wonderful they think I am--oh, and please send me money; they really don't want to talk the details.

[+ Truereview]

I agree. I'm one who "has it all." It seemed that TR might be minimizing the value of the current relationship in such a way as to encourage its demise.

Great observation! Thank you! My comment was more towards being realistic. Realistic about the fact that a catch like the current guy I'm seeing is not going to wait around too long for me to work out my own shit. I'm doing my own work as fast as I can bc I do want a future with him, but I'm also extremely selfish and I'm not done with my own development. I don't have all the answers, but my aim is not to have it all, my aim is to have him and me aligned in something that works well for both of us. Having it all would be dull for me. The joy is in the work. If I didn't engage in the work, I would be relationship lazy...I think.

[Jim Corrigan]

You are never done with your development

[+ Truereview]

You are never done with your development

Lol! Fuck me! I guess I'm not ready & im screwed! damn it...there

[+ Gar1eth]

When I first started hiring, I thought I would never want a relationship. Hiring was the only outward way I was going to give into my 'gayness'. This lasted for about 7 years. During much of that time I didn't even want gay friends- or rather I didn't want to make friends with someone if our being gay was the main point of connection. I've softened that stance a bit.

 

Starting in 2010/2011 I started downloading the hook-up apps. Since then I've downloaded them multiple times (and deleted them multiple times too.). I've met a few guys off of them occasionally for drinks/coffee or hook-ups. I don't really count those as dates. In all the time since 2010/2011, I've really only had what I consider 6 dates with 4 different guys. That works out to three dates with a guy back in 2012 and three 1st dates (three different guys) just over the last three months (Note: I only had about 6 dates total in my life prior to these current ones back when I was in high school/college. They were with girls. I always felt strange and awkward on them because it didn't seem to me that I was feeling the way the other guys felt). Those 4 are the only guys who've ever really been semi-interested in me. Each of the dates has gone fairly well. But they decided I wasn't the one for them.

 

One big problem is I'm still nowhere near being totally copacetic with being gay. And while I'm better than I was even 7 years ago, if at 55 I'm not totally comfortable being gay, I doubt I'll ever be totally on board with it. Who is going to want a partner like that? Considering I've never had a boyfriend (or girlfriend)and considering my age, my head knows there's a 98-99% chance I'm never going to have anyone. I only wish I could make my heart stop wanting someone and make myself like being by myself since that seems to be my lot.

 

Gman

[LivingnLA]

This is a fascinating thread. Thanks to everyone for sharing your experiences and thoughts.

 

I've been blessed with an amazing marriage in the sense that we understood and agreed early on that life is change and that our desire to spend the rest of our lives together meant that we must allow for each other and our marriage to evolve. Stagnation is death and while this concept of everything constantly being in motion and flux sounds chaotic, it's actually very stable or has been in our case for a decade.

 

I could rattle off the studies showing humans tend to be happier and healthier when married, but so what? I think Americans obsess too much about being constantly happy and healthy. Life is a journey of twists and turns. Sometimes, sicknesses and more. While I advocate making the most of life, being safe, sane, and responsible, I also know shit happens and our challenge is always to make the best of whatever is thrown our way. Sometimes we fail. Sometimes we make mistakes. Stand back up, learn a lesson, and move forward.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

Gemini - I don't think it is lazy at all. If anything, the overarching "fear of commitment" and/or "fear of rejection" influence my preference to hiring over dating. I love my independence, but there are also times I wish I had a relationship.

[Jim Corrigan]

I love my relationship(38 yrs) but there are times I wish I had independence.Its a constant paradox

[Rudynate]

Lol! Fuck me! I guess I'm not ready & im screwed! damn it...there

 

 

Just like you're never done working on yourself, you're also never "ready."

[Mocha]

the practice of hiring companions has made me relationship lazy.

 

While the thought of a relationship still appeals to me, it has become so easy to put no real effort into having one.

 

What is your take on this idea of relationship lazy?

 

You're not alone. There's a lot of laziness in general going on in the gay dating scene. Like I said before, as it relates to the games. In your case, you're not really relationship lazy. You're just substituting a traditional relationship with one that is money and convenience based. It's still a relationship though, and you're putting much more effort than many. There seems to be very little value placed on gay sex outside of the hiring realm. "It's like ordering pizza", one guy said.

 

There's a lot more lazy relationships out there. Lazy is when a guy asks you out to come to HIS place to watch Netflix and chill. Lazy is when a guy doesn't suggest anything, doesn't open up about anything, and just lays back and gets his proverbial dick sucked without returning the favor.

 

I don't think hiring causes one to become relationship lazy. I part ways with clients all the time because they suddenly come into a relationship of sorts.

 

As an aside, these long weekend/overnights you referred to, whatever happened to the one planned with me last year when I once resided in the same time zone as you after I thoroughly answered your questionnaire? Now that's either lazy or non-nonchalant at best. It's like the guys who text, text, text good morning, hello...but then never follow through with meeting. It's like they want a pen pal to keep their text feed busy. I just love the block feature on the iPhone now. Used it 3 times last week.

[Mikegaite]

Stagnation is death and while this concept of everything constantly being in motion and flux sounds chaotic, it's actually very stable

 

The only important constants in life are change and 0x5f3759df. #hermitlifestyle

[Reluctant Daddy]

Relationships are a hell of lot of work - both the initial and maintenance phases.

 

Is it laziness, or a happiness and comfort with your current situation?

[WolfRamNHard]

As others have stated above, dating and hiring don't have to be mutually exclusive. It really depends on what you want out of life and where you see yourself in the future.

 

I'm one of those greedy people who tries to have it all -- I have hired a few times (and will continue to do so from time to time) but I also enjoy meeting guys through dating apps. Additionally, I'm in a long-term open relationship. All of those things (hiring vs. dating vs. LTR) fulfill different needs for me, and none can fully replace the others, so I would prefer not to give up any of them if I can help it.

 

With hiring I get physical gratification without too much fuss and I have much more control over the nature, duration and course of the interaction than I would with a non-escort date. The sex is also predictably better.

 

Going on dates is fun because the focus is on getting to know each other over a longer period of time and feeling young again. Because it's not a financial transaction, I can be more confident that any chemistry (when present) is real. Furthermore those warm fuzzy feelings often continue to develop over time between dates, without any associated guilt and without needing to be actively discouraged (unlike with hiring where most forum members will tell you that you have to be careful not to get too attached). It's also easier on my bank accounts

 

With the long-term relationship, I get stability (social, emotional, financial), shared responsibilities, a shoulder to cry on, someone to care for and love, etc. While it's true that you can get most of that even outside of LTRs, it just comes much more naturally with a stable LTR (at least for me that's true).

 

If your current needs are fully met by hiring, there is no reason to feel guilty about not dating or not being in a relationship. But I would suggest being open to the idea that your needs may change in the future, and to be willing and able to shift gears as necessary.

[+ Truereview]

Just like you're never done working on yourself, you're also never "ready."

Lol! Now, that I disagree with. I'm not saying it is easy to be ready, but it is possible. if you watch your own patterns and behaviors, you will know the signals and feel it in heart & mind when you are ready. Even if you aren't ready by someone else's standards, it is one's own standard on readiness that counts