Advice needed about Coming Out Mid-40's

[curiousnomore]

I'm in a "tough" situation, which I won't bore you with. This past week I Came Out to a couple of friends. I'm finally embracing Me.

Any advice about navigating kids, divorce etc.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

Curious - congratulations on coming out to some friends. I came out to friends of over 30 years two weeks ago and it was a great conversation. I hope your experience was equally good.

 

Sorry - I have no advice regarding kids and divorce. I told my parents and siblings about five years ago and it was fine. At 45, the only thing that one sister was bothered by was that I wasn't planning to start discussing my sex life; I figured it wasn't a topic we had ever shared and it wasn't one I wanted to start now.

[Kenny]

Congratulations! At this point my only advice would be: Give your loved ones time to understand and adjust. It has taken you 40+ years to get there, so they'll also need a while to come to terms with your news. It shouldn't take them nearly as long, because they can turn to someone they love for help; they can turn to you.

[+ Travis69]

How old are the kids? Do you think your wife will give you a divorce easily? Will her standard of living be greatly impacted? What will you do if she wants to stay married for appearance and gives you permission to play around discreetly on the side?

[+ Truereview]

Hi curious. Big courageous step! Now the harder work begins. Below are a few questions for you to ponder. I don't mean to overwhelm you with so many. Just think about them at your own pace & when you are ready.

1. Have you told wife/children? I'm assuming you did since you spoke w/ friends. If not, you may need to think about that plan in shorter term.
    
   
2. What do you think are the key priorities now that you are out? Kids, wife, family, you, your new you? Make a priority list bc you will have all these priorities and more tugging at you soon.
   
3. Whats a healthy way for you to vent whatever frustrations you will encounter -gym, sports, hobby?
   
4. Have you considered a therapist, a counselor, or a group you can join? If not, who will be your emotional support?
   
5. Will your wife and children need #4 above? Will family counseling/therapy be an option?
   
6. Do you have a true friend who will tell you the truth - not just be supportive?
   
7. Regardless of the age of your children, will you & your spouse have a joint plan to parent them thru this change?
   
8. if you have to go the divorce route, will you try mediation?
   
9. Is there a man/relationship in the picture already? If so, what role will he play in your journey?
   
10. It is likely some guys here will reach out. Are you ready to listen to strangers?
    
11. What will you tackle tomorrow? Baby steps ...this is your journey.
    

Thinking of you in this transition & wishing you sanity, wholeness, and more courage. - TR

[+ purplekow]

:iving in South Caro;ina will probably make it harder to navigate than if you lived in a more gay friendly area.

Is the Church an important part of you life If so you might want to seek out a relious leader to help with that aspect of things.

You are very courageous and this will be a very bumpy road but ultimately, I believe you will peace in this decision MY best thoughts go your way.

[BabyBoomer]

Where's @glennnn when we need him?

 

~ Boomer ~

[rvwnsd]

Curious,

 

Congratulations on taking your big, first step. I hope your friends are being supportive. As Kenny mentioned, even if they are not 100% "there," remember you have had your entire life to process this information and they have only had a little bit of time.

 

Here are a few of thoughts for you:

 

1. Find support: If you live near an LGBT center, pay a visit and see what kinds of groups they have for men who are coming out, married gay men, gay dads, and/or gay men in general. I found the following resources on the web to get you started:
   
   • http://www.sciway.net/org/sc-gay-lesbian-support.html
      
     
   • http://www.scequality.org/resources/
     

[*]You are not alone: There are thousands of men who are on the same journey as you are. Roughly half of the men who join the coming out group I co-facilitate are married and have kids.

[*]Take your time: There is no schedule by which you must come out to every last person you know.

[*]Your wife might be more supportive than you would think: Many women are not at all supportive of their husbands when they come out, but a surprising proportion of them are. When the time is right, have an open and candid conversation. Your news may hurt her, but I think it is better to be open and direct than to gradually become distant, leaving everyone to wonder what the hell is wrong.

When it comes time to talk to your wife, family, and possibly kids I suggest what we call "bookending." Have a friend or ally who you check in with before talking to someone. After you have had the conversation, check in again and let them know how it went.

 

Lastly, give yourself a hug. You are going through a lot and it is important for you to be good to yourself.

 

I hope this helps. Feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need to unload.

[+ glennnn]

All this advice is excellent. I have nothing really different to add. I wont repeat my whole story. You can find it here starting on September 15, 2015. However, since i only recently went down this road or one parallel to it, PLEASE feel free to PM me if I can help in any way. You've taken a huge step and you will make choices now that may determine. your future happiness. Get all the advice you can, search your heart and move forward. Try not to leave events to chance. Remember that you deserve to be you. We all do.

[+ glennnn]

Where's @glennnn when we need him?

 

~ Boomer ~

 

I was out to dinner, but, honestly guys, I was only offline for a couple of hours. Gees!

[+ glennnn]

I love the fact that you guys treated Curious to the same kind, thoughtful focus that you gave me over the last six months. You are just the best! I have arrived at a new level of comfort with myself, largely due to the Forum. I KNOW I would never have taken this life-changing step without it. It is so pleasing that I might able to help him now.

[BabyBoomer]

It is so pleasing that I might able to help him now.

 

Precisely.

 

~ Boomer ~

[JDXXX]

Hey Buddy,

 

So proud of you're courageous move being bold coming out to your closest confidant's in making the 1st initial step by coming out of your shell embracing who you are deep inside as what could be considered as a proud Gay or Bi-sexual man.

 

Won't be easy at first having to open up to those you may not want to open up to in the near future as it'll be hard at first, but will get better over time - I promise. .

 

You're not alone, baby as there are many gay men who have been in your shoes, and still taking the proper and necessary steps to overcome the 1st steps in coming out for the first time.

 

Trust me - Your on the right path so far in coming to terms with who you are, and how you wanna go about dealing with other possible/positive "changes" in your future lifestyle by "coming out". .

 

All the best to you, and congrats on coming out, baby. You deserve to be happy, and be at ease with who you "truly" are for once.

 

Were all here for you!! .

 

Can we give this man a big bear hug?

 

http://forum.smartcanucks.ca/attachments/expired-repost-not-valid-canada/172377d1365726127-pampered-ladies-package-train-a_hug_for_you-_my_friend.jpg

[+ Just Sayin]

Curious, TR's advice is very good; I would especially endorse the idea of consulting a therapist during this time of your life; it will help you make this huge change in your life in a thoughtful, caring manner

[LADoug1]

Consider reading "The Velvet Rage" by Dr. Alan Downs. A must read for any gay man who is coming to terms with his sexuality. It may help you as you go through the coming out process. Bravo to you for being so courageous.

[+ Charlie]

My only advice would be to take it in easy, carefully considered steps, rather than enthusiastically shouting it from the housetops to one and all. A late member of this board was so excited by the sense of liberation that he immediately let everyone know he was out in a broadside letter, and the blowback was not comfortable for him. Make sure who your personal supporters are before moving on to the general public.

[JDXXX]

[Bearofdistinction]

I'm in a "tough" situation, which I won't bore you with. This past week I Came Out to a couple of friends. I'm finally embracing Me.

Any advice about navigating kids, divorce etc.

 

Congratulations - At any age Coming Out is the hardest and the best things that you can do for yourself and your family.

 

Organizations like www.PFLAG.org offer support and information and strategies for Coming Out. The organization has over 350 chapters including in South Carolina.

 

The Human Rights Campaign also has supportive resources at their website

http://www.hrc.org/explore/topic/coming-out

 

And Finally --- Don't forget the Music and the Backup Singers === Time to Celebrate!