HOW TO MEET GAY FRIENDS?

[Pelican1]

I'm a 29-year old who is just beginning to come out to my family and friends (I know, I know...get on with it already, right?), and exploring the gay scene in NYC. I want to meet some gay men in a non-threatening atmosphere (for example, in a setting in which there is NOT the assumption that we are meeting in order to go home later and have sex -- not clubs, porn shops, etc.). I want to meet gay guys with whom I can become FRIENDS, to hang out with and get to know as human beings. Any suggestions?

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Depends on your circumstances and community. Gay Men's Chours if there is one and you can approximate singing or just lip synch . I have had friends in 'more removed communities' that attend 'pot luck' dinners. Volunteer work in the gay community. Lots of orgs in the big cities: domestic violence groups, meals for shut ins... gay teen counseling, etc. This will expose you to others organzing and working in the gay community and faciliatate networking. Lastly, full or part time work in a gay establishment. Maybe saturdays only.. whatever faciltates bringing you in contact with gay men in a nonsexually charged situation. Check you local gay rag for organizations and opportunties. If you live in a small community that doesnt have such organizations, at least region wide, then you may want to consider relocating if you want a social life.

[NYCOperaQueen]

I want to meet gay guys with whom I can

>become FRIENDS, to hang out with and get to know as human

>beings. Any suggestions?

 

Some ideas:

 

- Volunteer for a gay and lesbian charity or work for a political campaign. You can also volunteer for the Human Rights Capmpaign (HRC). When I first moved to New York back in 1989, I volunteered for Tom Duane's (gay politico for you non-NYCers) first unsucessful city council run. I met my first friends in NYC that way and then I became involved in ACT UP where I met some great people who are still amongst my closest friends.

 

- Take a night school class at the New School, Julliard, cooking school wherever. Depending on the topic, you may have to adjust your gaydar so you can figure out who your gay classmates are. There are bound to be some.

 

- Go to some of the events at the NYC LGBT Community Center (http://www.gaycenter.org) and be gregarious.

 

- Become active in your gay group at work, if there is one. If not, try going to the events that Out & Equal sponsors in NYC.

 

- If you went to college at a school in or near NYC, there may be an LGBT almuni group. These groups frequently throw parties / mixers.

 

- Craigslist (http://www.craigslist.org) has a strictly platonic personals section. I haven't used it, but perhaps others here have.

 

Good luck! We New Yorkers can be tough to connect with...

 

Richard

[Guest gaydj4u]

http://www.planetout.com has worked for me

[nate_sf]

I don't know what you're interest might be in playing sports, but that might be another option. Browsing through the gay papers here in SF I'm always coming across notices or articles about gay sports leagues, from bowling to softball to swimming. Recently I was tempted to join a gay crew team, which would have been remarkable considering how much I disliked sports as a kid. But a lot of these teams have different levels, including purely recreational, so I'd think that would be a good way to meet other gay friends.

 

Also don't be too hard on yourself for coming out at the advanced age of 29. Trust me, lots of others come out much much later in life -- everybody in their own time. Meeting others who have already gone through it will make it easier, but don't feel bad that you've been on a different schedule. Good luck!

 

Nate

[Rick Munroe]

The gym!

[Guest ReturnOfS]

There are also churches that were started by, cater specifically to gay people such as Dignity (gay Catholics) and Metropolitan Community Church.

 

Then there are also the very gay friendly churches such as Universal Unitarians and Jesuit churches.

 

Of course you could always go to the chat rooms of gay.com and ask specifically if people want to just hang out as oppose to hook up. Contrary to popular belief, that works too.

[duke37]

You know Pelican you have a pretty good resource right here at your fingertips. Thanks to the tremendous hospitality of men like Cooper (who can write a book on the care and feeding of wayward Canadian Gaiety boys) to Foxy (still imagining how you survived "the best 17 minute private I ever had") to all the rest of the New York Hooligans, New Yorkers and visitors to the city have an abundance of great guys who are willing to extend a hand of friendship. Perhaps you might try joining in one of the events discussed here. Or better yet invite someone from the board to join you in an activity you arrange.

 

And this isn't confined to the NYC folks either. The LA Hooligans sound like a lot of FUN. And the Montreal gang makes it sound darn appealing. And who could resist the Brazilnuts? They have a brand of friendship that almost doesn't require the hot Brazilian men. Remember I said ALMOST.

 

I have had the opportunity to meet men on this board both in my hometown and from across the country. I can't begin to tell you how much pleasure its been to discover these fine gentleman. I even consider one of them one of my best friends even though we live across the country from each other.

 

The other suggestions you have gotten are great and I hope you take them. But you have a pretty good place to start right here.

 

Good luck!

Jeff

[eastbayguy]

Some thoughts: Visit your local Gay and Lesbian Community Center. There has to be one, dig around in Google to find it.

 

Second: Get yourself a copy of Michelangelo Signorelli's book "Outing Yourself". Outing Yourself is an excellent book, quite a good guide for life for gay men. (and lesbians) I have a copy and read through it at least once a year just to remind myself of a few things.

 

Third: Find a local political organization or social services organization with a community focus and do some volunteer work. GMHC (Gay Men's Health Crisis" in NYC is big, I'm sure there are things like HRC, the Human Rights Campaign and the Stonewall Democrats and on and on. Check your local gay papers for a few ideas.

 

The world is full of great gay folk. All are eager to meet new people. During this important election year, lots of organizations need volunteers.

 

--EBG

[Pelican1]

Thanks to everyone who has replied so far. I really appreciate the advice.

[Pelican1]

Nate, I especially appreciate your encouragement. Thanks a lot.

[fedssocr1]

I would think that NYC would have millions of options. Here in DC there's a gay group for just about every hobby or interest you can possibly think of. Most of my friends are guys I play soccer with on the gay team here. There's also a gay team in NYC as well as tons of other sports as was previously mentioned. I also volunteer at our gay film festival.

 

Basically figure out what it is you enjoy doing anyway and find a group of like-minded folks. My guess is that the NY Blade http://www.nyblade.com/ probably has community listing up there like the Washington Blade does here.

 

You're definitely on the right track looking for friends. Being a part of the groups I have been in for these last 14 years or so have really enriched my life in countless ways. Good luck to you.

[OneFinger]

I'm kind of late is responding but have enjoyed many of the good recommendations made by others. Ten years ago I left family and friends to relocate to the mid-west where I knew NO ONE!! (I had a great job but it was like I was coming out of the closet again and starting my life anew.)

 

From personal experience I know the value of finding a gay-friendly church, joining a gay bowling league (never bowled before), and volunteering at the community center. I quickly felt part of the community and developed good (and safe) friendships.

 

But, the job changed locations and 18 months later I moved to another city in the same state. This time I focused on my job and really didn't develop any roots in the gay community. In fact, the only other gays I knew were my neighbor and a co-worker.

 

This isolation is a wonderful example of what NOT to do. I was miserable, alone, and slipped into a very bad depression.

 

I've since moved again and made sure to get active and involved in my current location. Even though I'm in a conservative, anti-gay environment I've found plenty of gay groups, events, and outlets. I've been a member of a gay choir, attend a gay church, and participate in gay sport groups (including Pink Pistols - gay gun owners).

 

Although I'm in a predominantly family neighborhood, I've discovered several gay neighbors. We do the "normal" things like exercise the dogs, go biking, fishing, hiking, and shooting.

 

In short, my recommendation is DON'T put your life on hold. Do what you enjoy and, in the process of living life, you find other gays who enjoy your same interests.

[hiJinX]

If you were to meet me at a bar/club...my only assumption would be that you could hold your tequila....and possibly that you like to fight (because after all you are sitting next to ME)

Sex? Only if you were incredibly attractive and completely unattainable...then YES I would assume that it would happen for us.

 

Lots of good suggestions here. Sometimes it only takes making one or two friends to open up the gateway to parties and circles of friends. So don't think you will need to make massive amounts of friends. Just the right ones.

Don't forgo being selective for quantity sake.

 

And no worries about your own schedule..different people take different time and it really is something best done in your own time...unless you are being completely unhealthy about it, and then that's fucked up.:-)

[jackhammer91406]

The suggestions you received here are all good. Just by asking the question in your post, you have already cracked the door open for new people and experiences. It is one of the best byproducts of this MC and many places like it.

 

As for taking so long to come out and getting on with it;

I myself didn't even know I could enjoy getting into men until my 30's. I was very fulfilled with filling women. Then one day this guy came into a room I was in, and pieces seemed to shift all over the place, like some kind of tectonic plate throwing contest. Two years later when he moved on, I was kind of left to decide what to do and my choice was to just shut down. Many years later, it's now like being reborn, and as I begin to live in a more open way, I find more and more opportunities to make good strong relationships with other gay men. These relationships have nothing sexual about them, except discussing our escapades with one another, of course.

 

Your post here was a first of many steps toward building a life filled with wonderful people, exciting opportunities and hopefully some occasional sex thrown in now and then.

 

The only thing I could add to the very good suggestions you have already been given, is to use this center to arrange meeting members in other cities whenever you are going to travel. Pick out posters who seem to share your views or who may be of interest to you and contact them. If they are not interested, move on to the next. During the last two years I have met over thirty men from this board in person. I know there are some guys here who have met many more than that. Some of us vacation together. A number of us are in regular contact and share many and varied other interest besides escorts.

 

It's a start. good luck. Give me a shout if you are ever in Los Angeles.