My most heart-rendering Christmas...

[Guest]

A lot of wise words above. I especially like Frequent Flyer's advice. With both of these prior partners, I've tried to be understanding and cognizant of their physical needs. Our understanding was that one-time hook-ups would be OK, as long as there was no further physical contact with that person (and it didn't interfere with our time together). I don't see how a man can feel threatened by his partner hooking up with someone once, as long as there's no further contact. Of course, he obviously was working a number of different people. My latest was unusually attractive, and seems to have gotten away with almost anything in his life, using only his charm. Whenever I showed his picture to people (nurses and colleagues at work, for instance), the first words were often "Oh, wow!". I must say that I never got tired of having sex with him. He would come back from the gym wearing shorts and a tank top, and all of my blood went from my brain to my hard-on. And no, I will not pay for his speeding ticket. And no, Colton Ford isn't the only type of man I find attractive (my most recent definitely looked nothing like him), but there are definitely few men my age that I find attractive. Yes, there's Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, too (who don't look like Colton Ford), but men in their 50s rarely get me hard. Oh, well. I've got a long vacation coming up. Time to think....

[+ Truereview]

A lot of wise words above. I especially like Frequent Flyer's advice. With both of these prior partners, I've tried to be understanding and cognizant of their physical needs. Our understanding was that one-time hook-ups would be OK, as long as there was no further physical contact with that person (and it didn't interfere with our time together). I don't see how a man can feel threatened by his partner hooking up with someone once, as long as there's no further contact. Of course, he obviously was working a number of different people. My latest was unusually attractive, and seems to have gotten away with almost anything in his life, using only his charm. Whenever I showed his picture to people (nurses and colleagues at work, for instance), the first words were often "Oh, wow!". I must say that I never got tired of having sex with him. He would come back from the gym wearing shorts and a tank top, and all of my blood went from my brain to my hard-on. And no, I will not pay for his speeding ticket. And no, Colton Ford isn't the only type of man I find attractive (my most recent definitely looked nothing like him), but there are definitely few men my age that I find attractive. Yes, there's Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, too (who don't look like Colton Ford), but men in their 50s rarely get me hard. Oh, well. I've got a long vacation coming up. Time to think....

Thinking is good, but make sure you also make room to give your real feelings some air time too....

 

Hug. -TR

[MiamiLooker]

A lot of wise words above. I especially like Frequent Flyer's advice. With both of these prior partners, I've tried to be understanding and cognizant of their physical needs. Our understanding was that one-time hook-ups would be OK, as long as there was no further physical contact with that person (and it didn't interfere with our time together). I don't see how a man can feel threatened by his partner hooking up with someone once, as long as there's no further contact. Of course, he obviously was working a number of different people. My latest was unusually attractive, and seems to have gotten away with almost anything in his life, using only his charm. Whenever I showed his picture to people (nurses and colleagues at work, for instance), the first words were often "Oh, wow!". I must say that I never got tired of having sex with him. He would come back from the gym wearing shorts and a tank top, and all of my blood went from my brain to my hard-on. And no, I will not pay for his speeding ticket. And no, Colton Ford isn't the only type of man I find attractive (my most recent definitely looked nothing like him), but there are definitely few men my age that I find attractive. Yes, there's Brad Pitt and Tom Cruise, too (who don't look like Colton Ford), but men in their 50s rarely get me hard. Oh, well. I've got a long vacation coming up. Time to think....

 

When you made the decision to ask hm to leave, I understand you felt sadness, but didn't you also feel a sense of relief and freedom, like a huge burden had finally been lifted?

[rvwnsd]

The fact that men like Colton Ford are the only ones you find yourself attracted to means that you have allowed yourself to be deceived by the sexual marketplace, which perpetuates the myth that all gay men have 42-inch chests, 30-inch waists and single-digit body fat and that they all have partners that also look like that and that they are madly in love with each other. You are a victim of unreasonably inflated expectations.

 

this isn't heart wrenching. it's over expectation

 

To add on to what Rudynate and jimboivyo said, here is a question: Suppose you find your young and handsome boyfriend and he isn't an asshole like the other two. As he ages, he will no longer be young and might very well turn out to look like the guys you don't find attractive. Will you dump him so you can find a younger, more handsome model?

[Lookin]

Sorry for your turmoil. Have you ever considered seeing a competent relationship counselor, perhaps early on with your next move-in candidate? Most relationships require some navigational skill and yours, with a tilt toward financial and age inequality, would seem to be even trickier.

 

I'm guessing that your goal is for both you and your partner to feel equally valued in the relationship, and a talented professional may be able to give you both the tools you need to make that happen.

 

And, should you find that one or both of you is not looking for equality, it may be better to end things quicker to minimize any distress for either one of you.

[Guest]

When you made the decision to ask him to leave, I understand you felt sadness, but didn't you also feel a sense of relief and freedom, like a huge burden had finally been lifted?

Yes, certainly. With my first beau, relief way my primary emotion, because I knew our relationship was going nowhere, but I didn't know how to end it without hurting him. My secondary emotion was anger over how he did it. With my newest, I was relieved, although I'm concerned over how he will fare and sad that it couldn't work out. I did try my hardest. I am concerned that he'll have to spend some time homeless and/or incarcerated before he learns how to behave in society. I am very worried for him. I have a suspicion he'll come back crying and promising me he's changed, but at this point he's lost my trust, and I won't be taking him back. In seeing his interactions with his Frenchman, I think the Frenchman will have less patience with him than I had. I can only hope that he'll learn.

 

To add on to what Rudynate and jimboivyo said, here is a question: Suppose you find your young and handsome boyfriend and he isn't an asshole like the other two. As he ages, he will no longer be young and might very well turn out to look like the guys you don't find attractive. Will you dump him so you can find a younger, more handsome model?

Certainly not. I have never reneged on a commitment. I have my faults, but dishonesty and lack of commitment aren't among them. If he can no longer satisfy me sexually, however, he will have to understand if I occasionally seek physical satisfaction elsewhere (one-time), just as I understand that as I may not be able to satisfy him physically, and he is also allowed the occasional relief elsewhere without my judging him. I have a good friend who was in a same-sex relationship for 20 years. During the last 10, they almost never had sex with each other. They loved each other and lived together, but the relationship was platonic. I suppose that's pretty common, even among straight married couples.

 

Sorry for your turmoil. Have you ever considered seeing a competent relationship counselor, perhaps early on with your next move-in candidate? Most relationships require some navigational skill and yours, with a tilt toward financial and age inequality, would seem to be even trickier.

I'm guessing that your goal is for both you and your partner to feel equally valued in the relationship, and a talented professional may be able to give you both the tools you need to make that happen.

And, should you find that one or both of you is not looking for equality, it may be better to end things quicker to minimize any distress for either one of you.

Interesting thought. With my first partner, we did go to a recommended MFCC (Marriage, Family, & Child Counselor). Towards the end of our one and only session, the counselor said "90% of what I do is to help couples break up." I didn't see much purpose in that, so I didn't go back. Maybe he just had the sense that our relationship was doomed. Maybe I needed to find a different counselor.

[+ WmClarke]

Interesting thought. With my first partner, we did go to a recommended MFCC (Marriage, Family, & Child Counselor). Towards the end of our one and only session, the counselor said "90% of what I do is to help couples break up." I didn't see much purpose in that, so I didn't go back. Maybe he just had the sense that our relationship was doomed. Maybe I needed to find a different counselor.

 

Even if that's true, that's a horrible thing to tell couples during the first session.

[Lookin]

Towards the end of our one and only session, the counselor said "90% of what I do is to help couples break up." I didn't see much purpose in that, so I didn't go back. Maybe he just had the sense that our relationship was doomed.

 

Certainly a possibility. Also a possibility that he was gauging your commitment to making things work. Had you told him you really wanted to be in the other 10%, he might have hauled out the notepad and got down to business.

 

Or, as you say, maybe a different counselor would have been better.

 

I'm in awe of those folks who are able to fall in love at first sight and live happily ever after as if they were born with the gift.

 

Me, I've always benefitted from a little outside advice. http://www.katzy.dsl.pipex.com/Smileys/hit3.gif

[+ WilliamM]

Sorry for your turmoil. Have you ever considered seeing a competent relationship counselor, perhaps early on with your next move-in candidate? Most relationships require some navigational skill and yours, with a tilt toward financial and age inequality, would seem to be even trickier.

 

I'm guessing that your goal is for both you and your partner to feel equally valued in the relationship, and a talented professional may be able to give you both the tools you need to make that happen.

 

And, should you find that one or both of you is not looking for equality, it may be better to end things quicker to minimize any distress for either one of you.

 

As usual, Lookin has one of the very best posts. I hope Unicorn remembers.

[+ WilliamM]

If he can no longer satisfy me sexually, however, he will have to understand if I occasionally seek physical satisfaction elsewhere (one-time), just as I understand that as I may not be able to satisfy him physically, and he is also allowed the occasional relief elsewhere without my judging him.

 

Wouldn't be better to negotiate those rules with your next partner?

[rvwnsd]

...Certainly not. I have never reneged on a commitment...

 

From an outsider's vantage point, it seems you did just that when you decided one therapy session with Partner #1 was enough because your therapist made a stupid, unprofessional remark.

 

...I have my faults, but dishonesty and lack of commitment aren't among them. If he can no longer satisfy me sexually, however, he will have to understand if I occasionally seek physical satisfaction elsewhere (one-time), just as I understand that as I may not be able to satisfy him physically, and he is also allowed the occasional relief elsewhere without my judging him....

 

Did you have this conversation with either of your ex's? Have you considered that Partner #1 decided you were not sexually satisfying him and, therefore, you would have to understand that he would occasionally seek physical satisfaction elsewhere? For that matter, how certain are you that Partner #2 was satisfied? Perhaps he is doing what you would do.

 

Wouldn't be better to negotiate those rules with your next partner?

 

Again, words of wisdom from WilliamM.

[+ WilliamM]

I have a suspicion he'll come back crying and promising me he's changed, but at this point he's lost my trust, and I won't be taking him back. In seeing his interactions with his Frenchman, I think the Frenchman will have less patience with him than I had. I can only hope that he'll learn.

 

Unicorn, This paragraph makes you seem the total boss in this relationship: "my trust" "I won't be taking him back" "less patience with him than me" "I can only hope that he will learn"

 

The words "Sugar Daddy" come to mind, not relationship.

[JohnGerman]

First of all, this sugar daddy thing is very much a relationship. Secondly, isn't the aforementioned story the very definition of a sugar daddy relationship? Let's not kid ourselves with the self-professed love and devotion and fail to see the real picture.

[+ FreshFluff]

Unicorn, all I can offer is sympathy for your dilemma involving attraction vs. other things. I think it's a common issue. It sounds like this guy also had substance abuse issues, and I'm sorry you had to go through a difficult period with him.

 

I'm going to tell you what I tell a friend who's going through a divorce. She had an idea of what her married life would be like. What she got was not what she expected or hoped for. She's even talking about having a baby because she feels the pressure to. The whole pressure to have a baby part I think is insane... but I digress.

 

Many men agree to commit in order to have children. Most couples discuss the issue before marriage. If she agreed to it beforehand, it's not unreasonable for her husband to expect her to fulfill her end of the bargain. Of course, something may have happened between them that changed her mind.

 

What happened that led to the divorce, if you're at liberty to tell?

[Guest]

Unicorn, This paragraph makes you seem the total boss in this relationship: "my trust" "I won't be taking him back" "less patience with him than me" "I can only hope that he will learn"

 

Did you have this conversation with either of your ex's? Have you considered that Partner #1 decided you were not sexually satisfying him and, therefore, you would have to understand that he would occasionally seek physical satisfaction elsewhere? For that matter, how certain are you that Partner #2 was satisfied? Perhaps he is doing what you would do.

 

First, let me make myself absolutely clear: before either partner #1 or partner #2 and I got together, we all agreed on the ground rules. Occasionally seeing other men ONE TIME would not be considered unfaithfulness in our relationship (on either part), as long as it was done discreetly and didn't interfere with our time together. Quite frankly, this arrangement benefits the younger more than the older member of the partnership, although I think it's to both's mutual benefit. I realize that trying to keep a younger man caged is problematic, and making a single encounter a cause for a complete blow-up of a relationship is not helpful in my view. I was not the "total boss" of the relationship. Yet there are certain standards of behavior that are very basic and necessary. If he texted me, I would answer as soon as I could (obviously with a temporary delay if I was at the gym, in a movie theater, etc.). Yet he would often go for many hours or even days not only without telling me where he was going, but without responding to my texts or phone calls, coming out with ridiculous non-excuses such as "I left my cell phone in the car," or "it wasn't charged," etc. (obviously, one should call if one isn't going to be home regardless of where your cell phone is, and cell phones are easily plugged into a charger). I told him repeatedly that if he did those things again, that he could stay wherever it was he was staying, and not come back. I had no idea where he was going, and he was supposed to be attending classes at a local community college, but he flunked out of the summer session, ostensibly because that teacher was incompetent, according to him. And it seemed like he flunked out of all of his Fall classes as well, because he was off "doing favors for friends" (none of which he let me meet, and none of which seem willing to let him stay at their places at this time).

Whether this relationship is seen as my being a "sugar-daddy" or a supportive partner is a matter of semantics. My brother hasn't worked in well over a decade as his wife is the bread-earner. Not only that, but they hired a nanny to take care of their child so that my brother could go play golf and otherwise entertain himself. You can choose to call my sister-in-law a sugar-mama or a loving wife, but they've been together since high school. They don't need an income from my brother, and I didn't need an income from my partner, either. I will not continue to be a patsy, however. I can't imagine, however, that my brother would ever take off and not tell his wife where he's going (even before, let alone during the absence), hang around friends to which he won't introduce her, and so on. I was simply being taken advantage of, and I put an end to it. Just a few hours ago, he texted me (presumably from the Los Angeles area) "Unicorn, what has name has stopped texting me and we separated for a day. Can you help me with hotel for the night" (this despite my having given him a generous sum of money 2 days ago, plus he has the rental car in his name--the Frenchman can't drive). I let myself get taken advantage of for too long, and now it's over.

[Guest]

Unicorn, all I can offer is sympathy for your dilemma involving attraction vs. other things. I think it's a common issue. It sounds like this guy also had substance abuse issues, and I'm sorry you had to go through a difficult period with him.

 

One thing I don't suspect too much is that he had substance abuse issues. I had a number of old narcotic Rx bottles left over from a severe injury a few years ago, which would have been worth big $$ to a drug dealer. He never touched any of them. I do think his problem was basically coming from an awful family--a family in which lying, wheeling, and dealing were probably the norm. I empathized with his tough life, and tried to show him a better one. In the end, however, my efforts were inadequate.

[+ Truereview]

One thing I don't suspect too much is that he had substance abuse issues. I had a number of old narcotic Rx bottles left over from a severe injury a few years ago, which would have been worth big $$ to a drug dealer. He never touched any of them. I do think his problem was basically coming from an awful family--a family in which lying, wheeling, and dealing were probably the norm. I empathized with his tough life, and tried to show him a better one. In the end, however, my efforts were inadequate.

I'm no professional, but it took me a decade to prepare myself to love again after losing my partner. the more I read the comments and your additional context, the more my gut tells me a couple of years of your being completely on your own might help?

[Rudynate]

One thing I don't suspect too much is that he had substance abuse issues. I had a number of old narcotic Rx bottles left over from a severe injury a few years ago, which would have been worth big $$ to a drug dealer. He never touched any of them. I do think his problem was basically coming from an awful family--a family in which lying, wheeling, and dealing were probably the norm. I empathized with his tough life, and tried to show him a better one. In the end, however, my efforts were inadequate.

 

 

Relationships in which one partner starts out as the other's therapist, parent, priest, guidance counselor, etc. have a shaky foundation at the outset. An uneven balance of power is built into the relationship from the start.

[+ WilliamM]

Relationships in which one partner starts out as the other's therapist, parent, priest, guidance counselor, etc. have a shaky foundation at the outset. An uneven balance of power is built into the relationship from the start.

 

It gets worse with rules that the younger person may have agreed to only because he needed financial help and a place to live. Unicorm, I understand you are hurting, but you lost me when you apparently gave up couples therapy when the first try was not to your liking.

[Rudynate]

It gets worse with rules that the younger person may have agreed to only because he needed financial help and a place to live. Unicorm, I understand you are hurting, but you lost me when you apparently gave up couples therapy when the first try was not to your liking.

 

But it allowed him to add it to the list of things that they'd tried in their effort to salvage their relationship.

[rvwnsd]

But it allowed him to add it to the list of things that they'd tried in their effort to salvage their relationship.

I think you intended to say:

 

But it allowed him to add it to the list of things that he tried in their effort to salvage their relationship.

[Rudynate]

I think you intended to say:

 

But it allowed him to add it to the list of things that he tried in their effort to salvage their relationship.

 

 

Correct.

[MikeyGMin]

Unicorn I sympathize with you wholeheartedly. Like many (if not most) men, I'm attracted to younger men. I also have enough income to comfortably support a partner. The problem is, and always will be, that if it starts out as a financial arrangement, you can never really trust anything that comes after that. I don't know how you met your first partner, but it sounds like you had a pretty good run there. It just ran past the point that you probably knew in your heart it was over.

 

However, you met the second guy on a houseboy website. I've never actually been on such a website, but isn't it basically facilitating a financial arrangement between men with money looking to buy and men with beauty looking to sell?

 

I'm not judging at all. I've considered going a similar route, but I'm afraid that I would forget it was a financial arrangement and open myself up to heartache. You're situation has sort of confirmed that for me because you seem like one of the most logical and practical posters on this board. If it can happen to you...it will certainly happen to a sap like me.

[+ Charlie]

 

I'm in awe of those folks who are able to fall in love at first sight and live happily ever after as if they were born with the gift.

 

 

My partner and I decided on the day we met that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, and we have (47 years and counting). However, we were not Romeo and Juliet. We agreed that each of us was free to satisfy his own needs, sexual and emotional. We didn't place any limits on our relations with other people, and each of us had one romantic affair with another person during the first twenty years together, with the other partner's full knowledge. It certainly wasn't always smooth and easy, but the key is that we trusted one another, and each of us was committed to support the other, even if it meant changing or ending the partnership for the other's sake. I'm not sure than anyone has ever lived "happily ever after."

[Rudynate]

My partner and I have been together for 23 years. In fact, we are getting married tomorrow. We have always had an open relationship in principle, although there have been long periods when neither of us had sexual partners outside of the relationship.