Memorial Day Question

[OneFinger]

I'm one of the old farts in the Message Center and it was tradition when I was growing up to visit cemeteries on Memorial Day. We'd take flowers, weed/edge around the gravestone, place flags for the graves of the veterans, and share a couple of fond memories.

 

This is something I still do for my grandparents, parents, close friends, etc.

 

Today, however, I saw something I've never seen before. This happened not at just one cemetery but at all 3 that I visited today. At each cemetery there were multiple families that brought lawn chairs, beach umbrellas, food and actually held a picnic (or family reunion) at the cemetery.

 

Has anyone else seen this happen and is this a "new" Memorial Day tradition? I personally thought it was kind of creepy to be having a picnic on someone's grave.

 

On the other hand, since I don't have kids, who is going to take care of my grave after I'm gone? I think I'd be grateful if anyone visited on Memorial Day and wouldn't care if they brought along KFC or BBQ a couple of dogs in my memory.

 

So, this creepy or acceptable behavior for Memorial Day?

[Rick Munroe]

>On the other hand, since I don't have kids, who is going to

>take care of my grave after I'm gone?

 

I won't have that problem as I plan to be cremated and sprinkled over Cher (she'll still be alive then; she'll always be alive).

[eastbayguy]

>Today, however, I saw something I've never seen before. This

>happened not at just one cemetery but at all 3 that I visited

>today. At each cemetery there were multiple families that

>brought lawn chairs, beach umbrellas, food and actually held a

>picnic (or family reunion) at the cemetery.

>

>Has anyone else seen this happen and is this a "new" Memorial

>Day tradition? I personally thought it was kind of creepy to

>be having a picnic on someone's grave.

>

>On the other hand, since I don't have kids, who is going to

>take care of my grave after I'm gone? I think I'd be grateful

>if anyone visited on Memorial Day and wouldn't care if they

>brought along KFC or BBQ a couple of dogs in my memory.

>

>So, this creepy or acceptable behavior for Memorial Day?

 

Acceptable.

 

I'm guessing the people you observed were not of Western European origin? In Asia, especially China, there is a holiday, similar to our Memorial Day, but not celebrated at the end of May, where everyone troops out to the cemetary for the day. You sort of spend the day communing with your ancestors, honoring them and doing any needed maintenance on their final resting places. Not sure if floral tributes are involved, but FTD will enter the China market eventually.

 

The cemetaries in Kansas, land of my birth, now have big numbers of Hispanic visitors who sort of spend a day during Memorial Day Weekend. I was surprised last year to find a BBQ, beer kegs being tapped and a whole host of activity in the rather sleepy and tranquil cemetary where my grandparents are buried. Definitely a surprise. While tending to the grandparents grave site, I ended up being offered beer, delicious food including the most marvelous fish taco I've ever courtesy of the new neighbors. The Hispanics did seem to try to time their festivities to miss any ceremonies honoring war dead and so forth.

 

While at first I found this all rather surprising, it did drive home the point that other cultures honor the dead in different ways than our European ancestors did. Next time around, hold out for a fish taco.

 

--EBG

[ValleyDwellerNorth]

Hello One Finger,

 

Until one year ago I didn't spend too much time in a graveyard. I would visit the graves of my grandparents a few times a year and that was it.

 

Now that my mom has passed a year ago I am there quite frequently with my dad.

 

I have noticed that many people are now getting benches with their stones. I feel that is the direction we may go since the stone has been in since November.

 

I haven't observe the pig roasts you have described. However, I see many people eating their lunch (either on a bench or in their car)and a lot of decorative things placed on stones, such as, balloons, toys for deceased children, and many assorted decorations.

 

My sister has mentioned she would love to bring a chair and spend "the day". I guess to each his/her own. I wouldn't object to it and I would even find delight in planning a graveside BBQ. I would just hope people would clean up after themselves.

 

Happy Memorial Day Everyone.

VDN

[KY_TOP]

Actually it is a very old tradition in many parts of rural area's were the cemetaries are on church property. It use to be called "Decoration Day". The Churches where my family is from still have all families to bring food for "Dinner on the Ground" as they decorate their Families graves. There is also a Church service. There are graves at the Church Cemetary of people from a Wagon Train years ago, that died from disease as they passed through. Even though no one knows who they are, the Church People always make sure to decorate those graves. It is not eerie, but a great way to show respect to those that have passed and to remember them. I have not personally attended one of these "Decorations" in years.

[+ Charlie]

When I was a child, it was a tradition in my father's German Lutheran family to go to the cemetary on Sunday afternoon to eat--no barbeque (this was New York City), just a picnic lunch--in the family plot, which was small and crowded, but had a couple of stone benches.

[+ Charlie]

When I was a child, it was a tradition in my father's German Lutheran family to go to the cemetary on Sunday afternoon to eat--no barbeque (this was New York City), just a picnic lunch--in the family plot, which was small and crowded, but had a couple of stone benches.

[OneFinger]

Thanks for the responses. Sounds like it's something that's not unique to my area.

 

I do like the suggestion of a bench and think that might be a good addition (if the cemetery allows it).

[Retired Fly Boy]

I visited a Coptic cemetery in Cairo, Egypt. It is common for people to spend the day visiting the family mausoleum. When the housing crisis got very bad in Cairo, the family moved into the mausoleum. Anyhow that is what our tour guide told us. As far as who will care for your grave after you are gone? You can pay the cemetery a one time fee, for Perpetual Care. They put the money in an interest bearing account. The account then pays the up keep of the gravesite. The executor of your Will can take care of it for you.

[OneFinger]

Actually, I've done that for my grave site. But, I'm not too keen on giving my money to extended family members that will forget about me after I'm gone.

 

I'm thinking of putting a clause in my will that relatives will receive a percentage of my estate for each Memorial Day they visit. :+

[VaHawk]

"Actually, I've done that for my grave site. But, I'm not too keen on giving my money to extended family members that will forget about me after I'm gone."

 

Nothing personal, as I'm just ranting in general, not at you specifically, but this just slays me!

 

How depressing to have picked out a gravesite or worry/care what others remember/forget about you after you are dead. IMO, when you're dead, you're dead, and you aren't going to know or feel anything again that is going on in this dimension known as life on planet Earth! As far as money, if I have any left to leave, I hope who ever gets it uses it for what money is intended for, and that is to improve his/her life even if it is only to PARTY!, as the dead don't need it anymore!

 

I personally think that being put in a multi-thousand dollars, silk lined box, buried in the ground, having some kind of stone/monument/or the height of vanity, a mauselem erected to yourself, is ludicrous. You're just dead, like the last gold fish, that was so unceremoniously flushed down the crapper! :7 Do you seriously think ANYONE is visiting/weeping at such edifices for those who died decades/centuries ago?

 

I say cremate everyone and throw their ashes on the crops to promote growth, or maybe recycle them into animal food to help grow healthy beasties for human consumption! Or perhaps, YUM YUM, Soylent Green! :+

[OneFinger]

Nothing personal but your post is the most depressing thing I've seen lately. I'm very happy that you're satisfied with your post-life options but find it very offensive that you feel everyone should follow your example.

 

One size definitely not NOT fit all. Not everyone is comfortable with cremation and not everyone should be buried. It's really a personal choice based on personal preferences and beliefs.

 

I guess when you post personal things on a site like this you open yourself up to posts from wing-nuts like you. Hope you feel better after posting. Now, perhaps you should start on your meds again or post when you haven't been drinking.

[VaHawk]

>Nothing personal but your post is the most depressing thing

>I've seen lately. I'm very happy that you're satisfied with

>your post-life options but find it very offensive that you

>feel everyone should follow your example.

 

If my post is the most depressing thing you've seen lately, then I can only surmise that you don't get out often, or read much, even the front page of your local newspaper. Nowhere did I advocate that anyone follow my example, whatever that means, as I really wasn't aware that I was advocating an example that everyone should follow. But if you found it offensive, then so be it, as I could just as easily state that I found your post offensive.

>

>One size definitely not NOT fit all. Not everyone is

>comfortable with cremation and not everyone should be buried.

>It's really a personal choice based on personal preferences

>and beliefs.

 

Exactly, so what is your rage at my post?

 

>I guess when you post personal things on a site like this you

>open yourself up to posts from wing-nuts like you. Hope you

>feel better after posting. Now, perhaps you should start on

>your meds again or post when you haven't been drinking.

 

 

Is being called a wing nut, (which is two words not a hyphenated word) supposed to be a feeble attempt at a put down? If it was an attempt at such, then please tell me how I should be offended. And I do indeed feel better, thank you for inquiring! Cliches, cliches, everywhere I look the SAME TIRED CLICHES! NO MORE CLICHES and above all NO MORE WIRE HANGERS! Ever heard of the word PUTZ?

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

This coming from being raised Irish-Catholic mind you...

 

When i was younger, my grandmother always made me promise that i would come visit her after she'd long passed away. She basically counts on me to tidy up her grave a few times a year. Yes, the thought may be somewhat depressing, but for me, it's an honor, as my grandmother is truly an amazing woman and knowingly the rest of my family probably won't go out to the cemetary and do it.

 

Added, our family plot is located right next to the Capone family plot, so it makes for an interesting trip. You've always got those damned tourgroups walking around and just about every year they have to replace Al Capone's headstone, as someone always ends up taking it in the middle of the night as a souvenir.

 

Real class, eh? *shrugs* Not cool.

 

But anyway, i do understand certain culture's obsession with death and the afterlife. Myself, i'm very much a 'when you're dead, you're dead' kind of guy, but definitely respect the wishes of others. I don't find it strange, but simply find it different. No biggie

 

 

Warmest Always,

 

 

 

Benjamin Nicholas

[Guest]

Although he didn't say it very sensitively, there are certain truths in what VH was saying. After you're dead, you're really not going to "care" whether or not people come to visit your grave. Most people visit graves because the person burried there meant something special to them (sometimes not always in a good way--just that the person had an impact on the visitor's life). For example, I have visited the graves of US ex-presidents, Gertrude Stein, Evita Peron, etc.

If you want someone to remember you positively when you're gone, do things while you're alive to merit such good memories. People visit the graves of fallen soldiers because they died to protect our freedom. Yes, you can put a clause in your will to pay someone to visit your grave, but that will probably just cause them to resent you. It certainly won't make them appreciate you. "I'm sorry I can't go to Rehoboth Beach with you this week-end, because I have this dead bitter Uncle Bob who pays me $10,000 each time I visit him on Memorial Day. Isn't it pathetic?"

The truth is that unless you've done something special, people are not going to mourn your death for long. If there isn't anybody special in your life that you'd be happy to leave a large sum of money (unrestricted), you should either spend your money now and accept the fact that you won't be mourned long, decide to leave your money to a worthwhile charity (a scholarship fund for a university, for example, could keep your name in memory, at least), or do something that will increase your chance of being mourned. I really cannot imagine that a clause in your will making an inheritance contingent on Memorial Day visits, for example, will force someone to mourn you (in a positive way).

[+ deej]

>How depressing to have picked out a gravesite or worry/care

>what others remember/forget about you after you are dead.

 

Perhaps.

 

I know I'm unusual in today's world in that my parents were married, happily, for more than 30 years when my Dad passed away. They were very much partners. Lifemates.

 

When Dad passed away, Mom bought a double plot, a double headstone, and even had her name engraved next to his. The only thing missing is the final year.

 

She intends to face eternity with the same fella she faced most of life with.

 

It has a certain charm.

 

Her will specifies very few things, but burial next to Dad is one of them and you can bet my sister and I will move heaven and earth to bring it about. (The only other thing the will specifies is "split whatever's left, but don't count on much being there".)

 

Everyone has their own relationship with the afterlife and everyone's point of view is worthy of respect.

 

(Me? Cremation and pour me on a corn field in Illinois.)

[Guest rohale]

For me when I think about Memorial Day, I always think about my grand parents from my dad's side of the family. They were both English. My grand dad was a flight instructor at Sandhurst during the second world war. My grand mother worked in Coventry sewing uniforms for the armed forces. They were married for just over 60 years. When Germany attacked Britain in 1940, so many young pilots were killed and at that time my grand dad was considered over the hill by then and he was asked to fly a few missions by his commanding officers. He did and in the process, he received two medals for bravery. He was very proud to have served his country. When I was growing up, my half sister and myself always enjoyed listening to grand dad reminisce about his time during the war. My grand mother would always fill in the gaps whenever he missed a slight detail. She was such a sweet person to know. She was always smiling. To see that sparkle in his eyes and see him light up always brought a joy to my heart. He was one of those people who believed in the old order of the British Empire. Even long after the war ended he still believed that Brittania ruled the waves. He was a wonderful man, he had immense knowledge of the world around him. He was a big man with a big heart. I loved him very much.

 

He died just two weeks after my departure from England to America in late 1989. My dad took him back to Cornwall, the place where his life began. His grave overlooks the sea. My dad back in the 1950's served in the Royal Navy and he always had felt a kinship with his own father. This past Monday, he drove with his best friend from London to Cornwall just to part a red carnation on his dad's grave.

My grand mother carried on for a few more years. I didn't get to see her as much as I would had have liked, but we always wrote to each other. She lived long enough to know that I had graduated from university. She was more proud of myself than I was. When I was 23 years old I went on holiday to England and to my suprise I found out she wasn't well. She had just had a severe stroke. I got to see her for the last time at Kingston Hospital before she died. I made a promise that I would always pay my respects to her and grand dad. She now lies side by side with her late husband. Next month I get to go home to England for a week and one of the most dearest aspects of my trip will be to drive out to the coast with my dad and just have a moment of silence at my grand parents grave. I always feel it's a tremendous privilege to do this. I always plant new flowers, it's the least I can do. To watch my dad try not to break down is always heart breaking. He tries so hard to keep steady.

 

I've always had one regret when it comes to my grand parents. I didn't tell them enough times how much I loved them in the living years. They were two wonderful people.

 

Rohale