Cell phones, texting, manners! Oh my!

[actor61]

I always watch CBS This Morning as I get ready for the day and this week, there was an interview with a woman who was so addicted to her cell phone that she even took it into the swimming pool with her. Apparently, she has overcome the addiction and has written a book about it (can't remember the title - "Dumping Your Ex by Text" or something like that). Anyone else see this?

 

A few weeks ago, I met a very attractive, seemingly smart and pleasant guy at a social gathering and we exchanged numbers. A few days later, he called me and we went out for dinner. Throughout the entire meal, his phone was either by his plate or in his hand. I don't think he looked at me more than twice while we were eating; he was either reading a text, sending a text, looking at Facebook or answering emails. I wanted to leave when the bill was paid but he suggested we go to a movie. During the film, he held his phone down low in his lap and continued texting, Facebooking, emailing, etc. I got so annoyed that I moved to a seat a row away from him. He never noticed. After the movie, he said, "Oh, there you are. Boy, you were in the bathroom a long time." I'm not kidding. As we walked to the parking lot, he with his head down reading his phone, I told him as politely as I could that this was the worst date of my life, that I would be taking a taxi home, and I'd really like it if he lost my number. He was absolutely flummoxed and when I told him that his manners were deplorable because of the constant cell phone use, he just didn't get it. "What do you mean?" He protested. "Everybody does it." To which I replied, "I don't think that even President Obama uses his phone as much as you, and HE'S important."

 

Am I unreasonable? Have any of you experienced this? I'd love to hear some anecdotes. Maybe I'm just a cranky old queer, but if I'm having dinner with somebody, a little eye to eye contact would be nice. A little conversation that didn't involve multitasking would be nice. At the risk of sounding like my ancient mother, whatever happened to good manners?

[+ Gar1eth]

I always watch CBS This Morning as I get ready for the day and this week, there was an interview with a woman who was so addicted to her cell phone that she even took it into the swimming pool with her. Apparently, she has overcome the addiction and has written a book about it (can't remember the title - "Dumping Your Ex by Text" or something like that). Anyone else see this?

 

A few weeks ago, I met a very attractive, seemingly smart and pleasant guy at a social gathering and we exchanged numbers. A few days later, he called me and we went out for dinner. Throughout the entire meal, his phone was either by his plate or in his hand. I don't think he looked at me more than twice while we were eating; he was either reading a text, sending a text, looking at Facebook or answering emails. I wanted to leave when the bill was paid but he suggested we go to a movie. During the film, he held his phone down low in his lap and continued texting, Facebooking, emailing, etc. I got so annoyed that I moved to a seat a row away from him. He never noticed. After the movie, he said, "Oh, there you are. Boy, you were in the bathroom a long time." I'm not kidding. As we walked to the parking lot, he with his head down reading his phone, I told him as politely as I could that this was the worst date of my life, that I would be taking a taxi home, and I'd really like it if he lost my number. He was absolutely flummoxed and when I told him that his manners were deplorable because of the constant cell phone use, he just didn't get it. "What do you mean?" He protested. "Everybody does it." To which I replied, "I don't think that even President Obama uses his phone as much as you, and HE'S important."

 

Am I unreasonable? Have any of you experienced this? I'd love to hear some anecdotes. Maybe I'm just a cranky old queer, but if I'm having dinner with somebody, a little eye to eye contact would be nice. A little conversation that didn't involve multitasking would be nice. At the risk of sounding like my ancient mother, whatever happened to good manners?

 

That's ridiculous unless maybe there was a family of work emergency. Can I ask how old he was?

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

I hate my cell phone and I use it as little as possible. Job responsibilites make it impossible for me to dump it altogether. I think the cell phone use is related to an increased sense of selfishness and self=importance. It certainly fosters those things. The other day, I came into a meeting in my office and the two people waiting for me were texting, each other. They were less than 5 feet from each other. When I came into the room, I asked if they needed a few minutes to finish up the business they were working on and that is when they told me they were texting each other. Apparently they both also had another conversation going on as well.

This is probably generational, as teens and even younger children seem perfectly content with this form of communication. Or should I have said perfekly content

[+ Gar1eth]

I text a lot on my cell phone. But I can't believe how fast some of these youngsters can text. The reason I sometimes text over calling is that- I have some mild hearing loss. On top of that cell phones have a slight delay in voice transmission. Combine those two together, and while I can usually understand the conversation- the delay drives me crazy. And I hate trying to have an in depth conversation on a cell. I wonder if that subtle delay may be in part why the youngest generation dont like to actually talk to people. With the decrease in landlines, many of them probably accept the delay as normal. But I think it inhibits in depth conversations.

 

Gman

[Samai139]

Let me preface my comments by saying that 1) I am old (74) and 2) I still use a flip phone, not a smart phone.

In regard to two people, five feet apart in the same room: texting each other: if there were others in the room and they were all waiting for a meeting, interviews, etc. it's possible that by texting, they could keep their conversation private and not be overheard. In that case I can understand the texting.

The date: The man on the phone may have been attractive, seemingly smart and pleasant BUT his behaviour during dinner was rude and should have been enough warning for you to pass on the movie. I find it next to impossible to understand why people (no matter their age or gender) who behave this way even want to engage in traditional social encounters. Stay home and text.

Having said that, is it possible that this texting is comparable to people at a party constantly looking around the room to see who else is there and is more attractive and/or more important than the person/people they are near?

And finally: given the extremely short attention span of many, I can only hope that some new latest thing will come along and texting will be as old hat as the rotary dial phone.

[+ ArVaGuy]

You were not out of line the other guy was rude. But social norms are changing rapidly these days. The Millennial Generation has grown up with these technologies. To them it is socially acceptable to be fixated on texting, Facebook, and other social media. For better or likely much worse this behavior will only increase as the years pass along.

 

When on a similar date situation a while back, I made a pointed gesture of turning off my phone and saying "now we can enjoy an uninterrupted dinner." He followed the example and turned his phone off as well. He was hesitant at first but after a few minutes conversation got rolling and dinner was great. The guy was very animated in his interactions which I'm sure if he'd been on his phone that would not have been the case.

 

Of course when we left the restaurant we both turned our phones on to check messages. That seems normal to me these days. Following morning he sent a text saying what a great time he had and asked for another date. We saw each other for a year and it was a great time. He got accepted to the London School of Economics and is completing his degrees. We stay in touch via text. Oh how times change.

[+ quoththeraven]

His behavior was inexcusably rude. But I am also curious as to his age because I think expectations may be different depending on age and social group. This may be what he's used to doing with his friends. But it only works if it's what everyone else is doing, and it makes more sense to me when out with a group of people. It's insensitive and rude when one is on a date, where cell phone use interferes with the presumed purpose of getting to know the other person.

 

Also, kudos to you for giving him a chance to redeem himself at the movie. That way you know his behavior at dinner wasn't an aberration.

 

ETA: Also, ArVaGuy's post above, which wasn't there when I started writing my post, makes me wonder what would have happened if you'd done something similar or asked him to turn off his phone so you could enjoy an uninterrupted meal.

[Steven_Draker]

Throughout the entire meal, his phone was either by his plate or in his hand. I don't think he looked at me more than twice while we were eating; he was either reading a text, sending a text, looking at Facebook or answering emails.

 

http://www.onbile.com/info/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/cell-phone-addiction-research.jpg

 

http://cdn.cstatic.net/images/gridfs/5241b1e3f92ea1207300c6c5/Bedivere-No-Cell-Phone-Discount-Beirut.jpg

 

[bigvalboy]

In this situation, you were 100% correct, common courteous should be the standard by which we judge, though that standard is different for those my junior, and every situation is different, so only you can decide when someone has crossed that line. I love my cell phone, use it all the time. Texting is a brilliant form of communicating, and necessary in countless situations, so I will give someone a lot of leeway in the courteous department if they use it in front of me. I'm old enough to remember pay phones, so cell phones and texting is one of those amazing conveniences that isn't perfect, but necessary.

 

As the Supreme court ruled the other day, that cell phones are really mini computers and will often carry more personal information than can be found in our homes. I have friends who literally run their businesses with their cell phones while traveling. I think you have to take the uniqueness of the cell phone into consideration when you judge someone you're with, on when, and how often they use it.

[Steven_Draker]

http://www.conesenciademujer.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/01/los-danos-de-la-tecnologia.en-los-humanos.jpg

 

http://www.outlish.com/wp-content/uploads/images/stories/March2011/Mar14Issue48/digitaladdict.jpg

 

 

http://blog.datajack.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/01/Are-you-addicted-to-your-mobile-phone.jpg

[actor61]

In this situation, you were 100% correct, common courteous should be the standard by which we judge, though that standard is different for those my junior, and every situation is different, so only you can decide when someone has crossed that line. I love my cell phone, use it all the time. Texting is a brilliant form of communicating, and necessary in countless situations, so I will give someone a lot of leeway in the courteous department if they use it in front of me. I'm old enough to remember pay phones, so cell phones and texting is one of those amazing conveniences that isn't perfect, but necessary.

 

As the Supreme court ruled the other day, that cell phones are really mini computers and will often carry more personal information than can be found in our homes. I have friends who literally run their businesses with their cell phones while traveling. I think you have to take the uniqueness of the cell phone into consideration when you judge someone you're with, on when, and how often they use it.

 

I'm 61 and my date was in his mid 50s (I think he told me 56), so in my opinion, he should know better. I understand how vital cell phones are to people, as you mention, who run their businesses from their phones while traveling. I understand how crucial they are to parents keeping tabs on kids who are at camp, school, on a date, etc. But this guy was simply amusing himself. He was looking at Facebook postings of friends' vacation pictures. He texted his mother at one point to say he wouldn't be at her house the following day for lunch (I know this because he told me). Before I moved away from him at the movies, I saw one of the texts and it was describing the movie to a friend. He was using the phone frivolously while on this date, and that's what pissed me off. If he were an ob/gyn delivering babies, a brain surgeon monitoring stroke patients or even a cab driver waiting for a fare, I'd have excused it, but he was a moron who couldn't get himself offline for the time it took to eat a spinach salad.

[Bart]

How did you not say something during the meal? The only time I will leave my phone on during the meal is if I am expecting a message and I ask whomever I am eating with if that would be okay. Standard policy at work is all phones off during a meeting.

 

I think you will see age is becoming much less the issue. I may be wrong but I find women especially older women have started using their phones wherever and whenever. It is the new means of gossip. To reinforce this notion, I have seen how older women love Facebook and tweeting. What better way to gossip in the modern world then all forms of social media. I was out with a couple who I am very close to, the wife's phone (she is over 50 and grandmother of 12) never left her hand. Always on Facebook commenting about this and that. But I am just stunned at the extent of personal information people are putting on social media and women especially. I have told people on numerous occasions when the time comes for me to be on Facebook, you will have to find John Smith. I have never joined and have no plans. I don't tweet either. When you go out to eat, just look at how many people have their phones out and on the table. I have now consciously started to turn my phone off when I go out to eat. I think it is important to have a public display of turning off your device to help jog the other person's sensibility to do what is polite. What happened to being discreet about your private life?

[actor61]

How did you not say something during the meal? The only time I will leave my phone on during the meal is if I am expecting a message and I ask whomever I am eating with if that would be okay. Standard policy at work is all phones off during a meeting.

 

I think you will see age is becoming much less the issue. I may be wrong but I find women especially older women have started using their phones wherever and whenever. It is the new means of gossip. To reinforce this notion, I have seen how older women love Facebook and tweeting. What better way to gossip in the modern world then all forms of social media. I was out with a couple who I am very close to, the wife's phone (she is over 50 and grandmother of 12) never left her hand. Always on Facebook commenting about this and that. But I am just stunned at the extent of personal information people are putting on social media and women especially. I have told people on numerous occasions when the time comes for me to be on Facebook, you will have to find John Smith. I have never joined and have no plans. I don't tweet either. When you go out to eat, just look at how many people have their phones out and on the table. I have now consciously started to turn my phone off when I go out to eat. I think it is important to have a public display of turning off your device to help jog the other person's sensibility to do what is polite. What happened to being discreet about your private life?

 

I SHOULD have said something during the meal and it's my fault that he continued his behavior but I was trying to be gracious and tolerant. I am so happy to read that you are not on Facebook and don't tweet. My friends and family just can't understand that I don't post on either of those sites - I never have and I never will. I'm not that interesting! And you and I are in good company. I once heard Patti Lupone in an interview say that she didn't use Facebook or Twitter either, remarking, "I'm not a Kardashian."

[bigvalboy]

I'm 61 and my date was in his mid 50s (I think he told me 56), so in my opinion, he should know better. I understand how vital cell phones are to people, as you mention, who run their businesses from their phones while traveling. I understand how crucial they are to parents keeping tabs on kids who are at camp, school, on a date, etc. But this guy was simply amusing himself. He was looking at Facebook postings of friends' vacation pictures. He texted his mother at one point to say he wouldn't be at her house the following day for lunch (I know this because he told me). Before I moved away from him at the movies, I saw one of the texts and it was describing the movie to a friend. He was using the phone frivolously while on this date, and that's what pissed me off. If he were an ob/gyn delivering babies, a brain surgeon monitoring stroke patients or even a cab driver waiting for a fare, I'd have excused it, but he was a moron who couldn't get himself offline for the time it took to eat a spinach salad.

 

In this case, age matters. Indeed someone that age, should have a better sense of social etiquette, since his texts appeared to be purely social in nature. It's funny how I assumed he was younger. In my eyes, by ignoring you, he is saying that you don't have any real importance or relevance in his life, especially since you could see that the texts weren't something that could have waited, and I'm not all together convinced that saying anything would change his behavior. At 56 he knows, or at least should know better. It's not even worth your energy to be mad.

[gp0560]

Interesting. If I'm not mistaken, none of the incidents up to now involves an escort, so here's one for you. I had a meal once with an escort who constantly used his phone to check his emails. He was not texting; nevertheless, the lunch broke up abruptly and unpleasantly when I called him on it.

[+ Funguy]

In this case, age matters. Indeed someone that age, should have a better sense of social etiquette, since his texts appeared to be purely social in nature. It's funny how I assumed he was younger. In my eyes, by ignoring you, he is saying that you don't have any real importance or relevance in his life, especially since you could see that the texts weren't something that could have waited, and I'm not all together convinced that saying anything would change his behavior. At 56 he knows, or at least should know better. It's not even worth your energy to be mad.

 

Does ANYONE remember something called manners?!

 

In my office exam rooms use of cell phones is NOT ALLOWED. (It is posted.) If a patient/parent is using one I will leave the room and return when they have turned the cell phone off AND put it away. I've had some patients waiting in a room over an hour and they complain. When told they were constantly using their cell phone and wasting my time, some have gotten huffy and I truly don't miss them.

 

If it is a social occasion, my feeling is that they feel their cell phone connection is obviously more important than their being with me and I call them on it. Thinking back, there has never been a case without an apology with the cell phone then being turned off. It's the same with people who are chronically late - they think their time is more important than my time and, since I have precious little totally free recreational fun time (tho I am FUNGUY), I simply won't accept that.

 

Again, it all comes back to manners which are learned as a child. I can see those kids who are going to be great successes, writing thank you letters for gifts, etc., letters to thank someone for allowing them to come for an interview, etc., all the way up the corporate ladder. And I know which kids are going to be hoodlums, so to speak.

 

I don't care if they are 26 or 76 - either you have manners or you don't!

[luvsrubs]

As one who has experienced the rudeness and self absorbed habits of chronic phone users here in NYC I can only say the only thing different I would have done would be to have said to this young man at dinner, "you need to put your phone away unless there is an emergency situation you need to handle". Never would I have allowed that to continue through the evening. And yes I once thought this was a generational thing, but not anymore. As smart phones have become the norm for the most part replacing the flip phone there is more than one or two generations who are addicted to their cell phones. I began to notice a few years ago and it continues unabated now that when my partner and I would sometimes stop into a gay bar here in NYC on the way home from something, we would be astonished at the number of people standing around in groups all looking at their phones instead of talking to each other. It is, alas, part of the age in which we live and I don't see it changing in my lifetime. However, I'm not afraid to tell friends to put away their cell phone when they are with me, and someone told me of a game that some people play to keep them off their phones during dinner. At the beginning of dinner, everyone puts their phone into a pile. The first one who cannot resist picking up their phone during dinner for whatever reason pays for dinner. I like that idea.

[jawjateck]

Yep gp.....I feel ya. In the past year, I have admonished two of our choice and well-regarded companions for excessive use of hand-held devices while in social settings with me. It is irritating. Now that I'm retired, I have given up the smart phone, have a pre-paid cell plan running on a samsung dumb phone, and I have zero social media presence or interest, so this obsession with trivial online connectivity is a mystery to me.

 

Also, 2 more of our well-regarded companions fell off my radar simply because I observed their over-use of cell phones during social/dinner gatherings of the Hooville community. Guys, put the damn phone down long enough to finish dinner......sheesh......

 

Among my social acquaintances and friends, this is not an issue. We share mutual respect for one another, and enjoy each other too much to be distracted by trivia. If a friend ever did this during dinner with me, I would not correct him, but I would also no longer dine with him either. Yeah, I know, I'm a mean SOB who carries a grudge for a long time.......haha!

[Guest Starbuck]

I think you will see age is becoming much less the issue.

 

First of all, actor61, that was a really entertaining (funny, well-observed, I-could-feel-you-simmering) original post. I would just add that I am all on board with Bart's observation that cell phone addiction is not limited to 20-somethings, as illustrated by both your experience and his ... and mine, which happened on the patio of my home ... no place is safe! ... and raised the question: When is it okay to ask a guest (who invited herself) to leave? Yeah, yeah, I was already put-out by having the woman (my daughter's mother-in-law) let me know she was going to be in my general neck of the woods and thought she'd stop by for a visit (and an overnight stay). Who does that!? (Rhetorical question. The answer is: my daughter's mother-in-law. My daughter says she'd be concerned that my feelings would be hurt if I knew she was in the area and DIDN'T come to visit--and sleep over.) So, anyway, she arrives, I carry her suitcase to the guest room, offer her a drink and we go out to the patio--her, me and the cell phone. Is it a point in her favor that she was able to carry on a conversation while NEVER LOOKING UP FROM HER PHONE? Not in my opinion. Oh, the temptation to say, There's the fridge if you get hungry. Here's a towel for your morning shower. Just let yourself out when you're done with our visit.

[Steven_Draker]

I am so happy to read that you are not on Facebook and don't tweet. My friends and family just can't understand that I don't post on either of those sites - I never have and I never will. I'm not that interesting! And you and I are in good company. I once heard Patti Lupone in an interview say that she didn't use Facebook or Twitter either, remarking, "I'm not a Kardashian."

 

It turns out the problem is not about "manners", but about someone having issues with those using Facebook and Twitter.

 

One has to wonder whether your dinner companion found you interesting enough and why all his attention was focused on the smartphone?

 

I cannot imagine sitting in front of someone who is constantly glued on his cell phone without making an indirect remark or saying something if the person doesn't get the hint. In my opinion you have to blame yourself for sitting there passively and even further aggravating your case by accepting to join him at the movies. Talk about being a masochist.

[+ Funguy]

It turns out the problem is not about "manners", but about someone having issues with those using Facebook and Twitter.

 

But it IS about manners and being polite to the people you are with, whether or not you are addicted to Twitter and/or Facebook. Either you have 'em or you don't. You cannot be a polite and considerate person if you are ignoring your companion (dinner or otherwise) by constantly texting, etc. Again, it simply means that the person who is texting/using his or her cellphone feels that that activity is more important that being with you. Plain and simple, no excuses for age or technology.

[+ azdr0710]

do you think this guy thought he was just hanging out with you and not really on a full-fledged date?....otherwise, maybe he would've been more attentive???.....

[actor61]

It turns out the problem is not about "manners", but about someone having issues with those using Facebook and Twitter.

 

One has to wonder whether your dinner companion found you interesting enough and why all his attention was focused on the smartphone?

 

I cannot imagine sitting in front of someone who is constantly glued on his cell phone without making an indirect remark or saying something if the person doesn't get the hint. In my opinion you have to blame yourself for sitting there passively and even further aggravating your case by accepting to join him at the movies. Talk about being a masochist.[/color]

 

Holy crap, are you ever off the mark! Sanctimonious much?

[+ FreshFluff]

IMO, the OP's "date" wanted to go out to dinner and a movie and invited someone to join him only to feel more comfortable socially. (Some people feel weird going to dinner alone.) So he treated the OP as an accessory, like a poodle, instead of as a companion.

[+ purplekow]

IMO, the OP's "date" wanted to go out to dinner and a movie and invited someone to join him only to feel more comfortable socially. (Some people feel weird going to dinner alone.) So he treated the OP as an accessory, like a poodle, instead of as a companion.

Most people are more respectful of their poodle and with a poodle you have to take their shit not vice versa.