What Were Your Parents Like Growing Up?

[+ Gar1eth]

The recent Genetics Thread made me think about this. At one point psychology taught that what caused male homosexuality was a childhood with a dominant mother and a weak-willed absent type father figure. Even today there are jokes about - or it is commonly held about gay men often being extremely close to their mothers or year's ago there was the common notion of being a 'Mama's boy' as a boy who was timid or effeminate.

 

The idea that mothers make their sons gay through socialization is supposedly disproven. But in my case my mother was the more dominant parent. Not in a bad ogre-ish way. But # 1. My Mom and not my Dad was the disciplinarian in my family. If we tried to 'get around' someone it was my Dad not my Mom. #2. My Dad traveled a lot for his job until I was at least 12 or 13. He was often gone anywhere from 2 to 4 days every other week on a routine basis.

 

So who was the more dominant in your life growing up- mater or pater?

 

Gman

[Rapaz]

I grew up in the 90s with a traditionally dominant Puerto Rican father and a fiesty mother. I don't think my parents had any influence on my sexuality.

[+ WilliamM]

My mother was slightly more dominant, but only because she grew up in Boston & was more street smart than my father.

 

It was far more important that my twin brother died a few days after we were born. I can not remember a time when I was unaware of having a twin brother who died. My grandmother, who lived with us, died when I was five. From then on, I often felt that it was two against one, because my parents were always on the same side against me (at least that's what I thought, probably incorrectly). I am not sure why I assumed my twin (if he had lived) would side with me.

 

Like Rapaz, I never thought my parents had any influence on my sexuality.

[+ Gar1eth]

There is a chicken and egg conundrum here. The other side of the equation would be that traditionally mothers spend more time with their children and know them better. Subconsciously they pick up on something in their son's behavior. And they become more protective to shield the child from the father. And of course Mother/Father dominance very probably has no effect just as scientists say just because it's true in my case may be that one odd occurrence that doesn't prove anything. My older brother isn't gay.

 

Gman

[bigvalboy]

As the previous posters have mentioned, I doubt that how my parents raised me had any affect on my sexuality. I can remember having sexual attractions to young men when I was only 7 or 8. Neither one of my parents were dominant. They shared the raising of the children equally. I am the only child that is gay, however I was also the middle child and did not receive as much attention as my older and younger siblings.

[+ Charlie]

I was never aware of either of my parents being more dominant than the other. My father had a very dominant father and my mother a rather dominant mother, and both of them tried hard not to repeat the patterns set by their parents. Like BVB, I can remember being aware of sexual attraction at a very young age, but at first it was to girls, and only as adolescent hormones took over did it switch to males. Both of my parents were passively supportive when I came out to them at 19.

[+ Gar1eth]

I can remember having sexual attractions to young men when I was only 7 or 8.

I can remember being attracted to handsome bodybuilders/actors at the age of 5 or 6. And I also remember noticing cute boys in kindergarten although I think I realized it was 'wrong' -and suppressed those feelings until the start of puberty at 12 or 13.

 

... however I was also the middle child and did not receive as much attention as my older and younger siblings.

 

I remember when my sister came home one day after a health class in high school and announced how deprived she was due to being a middle child. However I'm the youngest, and she is 5 years older. She had 5 years of being the baby of the family before I came along.

 

It's very unusual that you feel your parents raised you equally BVB considering this would have been the '60's and 70's.

 

Gman

[+ WilliamM]

It's very unusual that you feel your parents raised you equally BVB considering this would have been the '60's and 70's.

Gman

 

Gar1eth, I can only speak about what I wrote, but it may be true of others as well. It's difficult to respond fully in three or four sentences, so I left a lot out. That may be true of BVB as well. What's important is conclusions because only BVB can answer the question about whether one of his parents was dominant.

 

Thanks for starting this thread. Very interesting...hope other people also respond.

[Greathands]

My mother was (and remains) a very strong woman. Though I don't remember it, I've heard that she and my father had a contentious relationship. After my father died when I was 5, she raised three children of which I was the youngest. Looking back, I cannot imagine how difficult it was for her, but back then my sisters and I had no clue of the sacrifices she made on our behalf, nor did we realize how strong she was. To us, she was just mom.

 

I have very few memories of my father. He was a musician (as am I ... thanks for the genes, Dad), and played on a nightclub circuit with a few of my uncles. In my teen years, I started asking them some questions about my father. They told me very little, and it became obvious there was a lot they wouldn't talk about.

 

My mother and I have always had a close relationship, especially since being the youngest I got to spend several years with her alone when my sisters graduated and got married. Even so, the older I got, the more tense our relationship would become. I've come to feel that there are times that my mother sees in me the things that she disliked about my father.

 

Which has ultimately made me wonder if my father liked to have some fun with the boys when he was out on the nightclub circuit.

[+ Funguy]

My parents were equal….my mother was slightly more of the disciplinarian for most things but the major discipline, if I really fucked up, came from my father. Neither believed in corporal punishment but boy, if I got "the look" from my dad, I was in deep shit, punishment fitting the crime. Both of my parents, also, were accessible and took an equal part in my upbringing despite the fact he put in very long hours working. The weekends were our time. As i am in my 60's now, figure out when that was. Most of my friends envied me because, and I know for a fact, their parents were real shits when it came to discipline as well as absenteeism, whether or not they were actually there. So how did I wind up being gay? LOL.

[+ ArVaGuy]

I was a late in life child for my parents. My mother was 42 and my father 48 when I was born which was an extreme rarity in 1962. My father died when I was 19 months old, he was one month shy of turning fifty. Thus I have never known what it's like to have a dad. My uncles served as father figures but as one could rightly assume this was no substitute for a real dad.

 

My mother never remarried. She was a single parent raising an only child at a time that did not make such living arrangement easy. So both parental roles fell on her, and boy could she be strict when necessary. She managed our real estate investments and did a remarkable job considering she left school in the eighth grade.

 

Like several have mentioned, I felt an attraction to the same gender at a very early age around six. Let's put it this way, my GI-Joe was wearing Barbie's outfits in our neighborhood play groups. This became a running joke. Kids know more about such roles than we give credit.

 

Thus any neuroses I have at my age I put the blame squarely upon the Hasbro Toy Company.

[bigvalboy]

I can remember being attracted to handsome bodybuilders/actors at the age of 5 or 6. And I also remember noticing cute boys in kindergarten although I think I realized it was 'wrong' -and suppressed those feelings until the start of puberty at 12 or 13.

 

For me it was a handsome Motor cycle officer who moved in next door. Aaahhh, and as I recall, very single.

 

 

It's very unusual that you feel your parents raised you equally BVB considering this would have been the '60's and 70's.

 

 

 

Hey Gman, to be a little more clear, I said, "They shared the raising of us equally" meaning neither parent was dominate. Both were completely on the same page as to how we were to be raised. As to whether or not I felt they were successful at it, is another matter. In my case, being the middle child in my family presented problems. I think my parents went out of their way to try to maintain a sense of fairness and equality among us, however, I never felt the playing field was level. Some of that was real, and some imagined, but any failings they had were not intentional....Hope that is a little clearer.

 

Interesting thread....

[Lohengrin1979]

My parents were also fairly equal. My father took care of me as a baby during the day because he worked nights and my mother worked days. My younger sister and I were very competitive with each other but never had to fight for our parents' attentions. I'm probably closer to my mother these days, my father isn't the type to chat on the phone or go to lunch, but I love them both and know they love me as well. As far as being gay is concerned, I got caught kissing a boy under the table in kindergarten so my parents had fairly early warning. It didn't stop them from making me try having a girlfriend or two though.

 

 

Lohengrin

[Samai139]

I don't believe either of my parents was dominant when it came to raising me and my older brother---and that is how I interpret the original post. Their relationship was very traditional in most respects---dad earned the money, mother was a housekeeper who never worked outside the home; they shared social activities but it was usually the men who gathered and discussed "maculine" things while the women talked about their "feminine" concerns. The first time I noticed a difference of opinion about something I wanted to do was when I asked if I could have piano lessons. My best friend played the violin and I wanted to be musical also. My father would have none of it but my mother was more sympatheric. Eventually I got the lessons---not sure why my dad capitulated---might have had something to do with the fact that an uncle and aunt moved into a house where there was a piano and they didn't want it---we got it, and I got the lessons.

As an aside, I think my outlook on life, not necessarily my sexuality, my interests, was the result of my not wanting to be like either of my parents---didn't like my father's occupation and certianly didn't want to wear an apron and cook and clean--so I turned to books, school, music, friends and a life as different from theirs as possible.

[Decatur Guy]

My parents, God bless them, are still alive.

 

I was closer to my mother growing up -- and closer to my grandparents (her parents) than either of them. My childhood centered around them.

 

My father had been a coach and I wasn't good at athletics. He didn't try to hide his disappointment, so that wasn't good. There was a lot of friction between us as he always threw up kids I didn't even like into my face as examples of what I should strive for. He also had health problems, which didn't help. However, when I went off to college, he realized I wasn't quite the hapless kid that he painted me to be, and came to respect me. He also mellowed some. So now I'm close to both.

 

She actually runs the business of the family (it's quite common in Southern middle class families for the women to actually make the major decisions and take care of things a la "Steel Magnolias." She consults him mainly as a courtesy). He's very dependent on her. Though she and I are close, there is sometimes friction because I'm the only member of the family who doesn't bend to her will all the time. (I have a sister).

[gallahadesquire]

My father was gone 3 to four days at a time, and home for one or two. More than a tad nuts, he died from postoperative complications my second week of High School. Not having him around was normal, so I didn't really miss him. It took me years to remember the subtle, psychological abuse he put me through. He yelled at my mother frequently; she admitted that she was of two minds with his demise: Sad to have a spouse die, and glad not to have the abuse.

 

Mother was a master of "benign neglect". We knew the limits and didn't cross them often. Dominant? Not really. Just the only one there for many years.

 

My mother, father, and step father have all passed on, although [possibly morbidly] my mother's ashes are in a bookshelf in my living room. Her fall colours cloisonne urn matches the decor of the living room.

 

Influence? My mother was convinced that my father was a closeted homosexual.

[tyro]

This thread is fantastic! My experience will (once again and like always) be an outlier, but oh well.

 

My father was the breadwinner and my mother was a housewife. Because of severe, chronic arthritis and severe, chronic, undiagnosed depression, she spent a lot of days sleeping. During my growing-up years, she was exceptionally critical and intrusive: diaries read, weight monitored, etc. I played the Little Miss Perfect role exceedingly well in hopes of winning her approval, but I never felt like I succeeded. My father was "the nice one": He was the one who always took my sister and me to music lessons, band practice, etc. I always felt accepted with him.

 

I'm not close to either parent now. I had an "honesty attack" with my sister's baby daddy several summers ago and have been on the fecal roster ever since. We don't keep grudges long in my family (!!!) Oh well. In many ways, I'm probably a disappointment to both my parents: I'm a fat, divorced, second-rate teacher in a third-rate school district. I have no emergency fund and am currently seeing and screwing two men who will never marry me.

 

And I have never felt more happy or at peace than I have the past four months or so. There have been bumps in the road, but I am enjoying this journey.

 

Excuse me while I wake my eleven-years-junior lover, who is gorgeously asleep in my bed.

T

[+ Gar1eth]

 

Excuse me while I wake my eleven-years-junior lover, who is gorgeously asleep in my bed.

T

 

I wish we could all be so lucky to have that-or an eleven year older or even the same age as- depending on our individual tastes and desires.

 

Gman

[tom1980]

My father was more dominant in terms of being the disciplinarian, but my mother was more dominant in the protective sense. My parents had children at a young age, and they were ill prepared to deal with twin boys. My younger (by 3 minutes) brother showed athletic talent from a young age, which my dad loved. I was the reserved brainiac. I always felt like my dad disliked me, and my brother always thought our mom favored me.

 

Pretty much the only thing my twin and I fought about growing up was our parents. When one of us would say something bad about the parent we didn't get along with, the other would always defend that parent and the fighting would begin. When we were in college, I'd talk to mom on the phone, and my brother would talk to dad. The thing I miss most about living with my brother is being able to pass the phone to him when the time came for dad to get on the line. Now I have to talk to directly when mom is finished talking to me and passes him the phone. At least it's usually over in a couple of minutes since dad and I still have almost nothing to talk about. After all the cruelty and emotional abuse, I just have no desire to form a bond with the man, and everyone in my family knows it. My dad's health has been getting worse, and my mom says I'll feel really guilty when he dies if I don't start trying harder. Maybe she's right, but I'm pretty sure I'll be okay. It's hard to imagine feeling guilty about not forming a bond with a man who insulted me every chance he got for 18 years. Once I left home, I started ending any conversation with him that included an insult by immediately hanging up the phone or leaving the room. Mom mentioned a few weeks ago that my dad has treated me much better the last couple of years. When I told her he could still improve and that it took me 15 years to train him this much, she hung up on me.