Coming out

[duke37]

A couple of weeks ago I took the opportunity of a quiet evening alone with my brother (he was in town for our mothers funeral) to come out to him. My brother is hyper religious and I knew was unlikely to take it well and since he lived across the country I had avoided having the conversation. Everyone else in my family knows already however.

 

So after my revelation my brother asked somewhat disdainfully "So do you sodomize him or does he sodomize you?".

 

I answered "Well it sounds a lot less exciting when you put it like THAT."

 

At the time he didn't appreciate the remark but somehow later it struck me as funny. Thanks for reading.

 

Jeff

[Guest fukamarine]

>A couple of weeks ago I took the opportunity of a quiet

>evening alone with my brother (he was in town for our mothers

>funeral) to come out to him.

 

This is not to criticize you but the timing may not have been the best as he was also experiencing the loss of your mother. Kind of like hitting him with a double whammy.

 

But you did better than I would have re the response to Does he sodomize you or do you sodomize him.

 

I would have probably told him "neither - we just suck each others cocks and then he fucks me up the ass" Disdianfull would really piss me off!

 

fukamarine

[BigD]

>A couple of weeks ago I took the opportunity of a quiet

>evening alone with my brother (he was in town for our mothers

>funeral) to come out to him. My brother is hyper religious and

>I knew was unlikely to take it well ...

 

Hyper religious folks do not all disdain the gay lifestyle.

Sadly, your statement is, however, all too often true.

It might help to make your brother aware of the

religious groups within most denominations and faiths that

offer a different perspective than the mainstream. It

wouldn't hurt to acknowledge where bridges are being built.

Peace.

[Rick Munroe]

>Hyper religious folks do not all disdain the gay lifestyle.

 

BigD (I love that name), you make an excellent, level-headed point. I just have one criticism: I really dislike that term "gay lifestyle." What is the "straight lifestyle"? Being gay has nothing to do with the way one lives one's life. My life has very little in common with that of a guy who works at a gas station in Iowa, with a tweaked-out steroidal party queen, with a C.E.O., with a movie star...we can all be gay men but our lifestyles are quite dissimilar. I think it's really important to educate people that there is no "gay lifestyle", that being gay has to do with who we are & not what we do, & that we can & do exist everywhere.

 

Jeff, I'm really sorry to hear about your mother. I'm glad you had the chance to come out to her before she passed away, though, and I'm glad she reacted the way she did.

[Laurent]

Thank you, Rick. I usually enjoy your posts. This time, as in many others, you've written precisely what I think.

[OneFinger]

Jeff, it took a lot of balls to have that conversation with your brother. Since everyone else in the family already knew, it's my opinion that you needed to tell him. Better that he hear it from you than through the grapevine.

 

I also concur with your decision to do it face-to-face. To me, that indicates that you not only respect him but aren't afraid to be honest with him.

 

I come from a very conservative, religious family also. After I came out to them, it took almost 5 years for our relationship to get back to "normal". But, rather than avoid them, I continued to attend family gatherings and now have very good interactions with them. My sister has never limited my access to her kids and encourages them to do things with me. She'd never *TELL* me that she respects me (it would be too much of a conflict with her religious beliefs). But, with her actions, I know she appreciates my involvement with her family.

 

Things can get better but it may take time.

[Rick Munroe]

>My sister has never limited

>my access to her kids and encourages them to do things with

>me.

 

Do the kids know you're gay?

[OneFinger]

>Do the kids know you're gay?

 

Of course and they've met my gay friends. Some of my friends are fathers and my nephews and I have done things with them and their sons such as going to amusement parks, camping, snow mobiling, etc.

 

My niece is currently dating a gay guy who claims he's now straight. (Churches where I live are big on promoting "cure" programs for gay men.) I've told her the chance of him becoming functionally straight is non-existent. But, she says she enjoys dating him and has promised not to rush into marriage. At least we're able to have open discussions like this and they seek out my opinions.

 

But, they don't know I hire escorts. I think there are some things that are really none of their business. So, in some instances, I'm still in the escort closet.

[Guest Everett]

Jeff,

 

I agree with OneFinger. If everyone else in your family knew, then you should have told this fact to your brother, in person. It's a difficult conversation to have, at a difficult time for both of you.

 

If he is not supportive of what you told him, maybe some acceptance will come with time. After all, he was dealing with your mother's death when you told him. People can surprise us sometimes and be more accepting of news that we expect may be difficult for them to handle. And, of course, your brother and you do not live in the same town. We cannot choose our family, and sometimes it does both parties good if there is some geographical distance between them.

 

Telling your brother was the brave and correct thing to do - be proud of yourself for doing so, whatever his response may have been or may be in the future.

[HooBoy]

The night I "came out" to my family...we were all together, parents and siblings. My father was very ill and we were talking about meaningful things.

 

After I blurted out my confession, my father, who was a very well known Southern Baptist Minister in a huge church, told me he knew I was gay all along, it was no surprise, he only wanted me to be careful (safe), but he loved me. He hugged me.

 

We all hugged each other that night. It is not an issue with my family. They never brought it up again. That was several years ago.

 

There were over a thousand people at his funeral. Folks who were my father's age came up to me and told me how my Dad had a meaningful impact on their life; I realized my Dad was a really great man. To me, he was just "Dad."

 

I wish more people could be like my Dad.

[foxy]

Truly religious people don't throw stones at anybody. I think that was in the bible, the book usually so mis-quoted by the bigots.

[BigD]

>.... I just have one criticism: I really dislike that term

>"gay lifestyle."

 

Well it probably dates me.

Thinking back, I think I first wrote homosexual, then changed

it to gay lifestyle. Gay men is certainly a good way to phrase

it. Gay lifestyle, however, may incline some straight people

to consider that there is more to us than the sex act. But I

don't know. Just rambling. Regardless, thanks for the criticism.

The same problem - what to call ourselves - has existed in the

black community. As of late I have become very fond of the word

QUEER, a word originally used to demean us, now being reclaimed

with pride.

Peace.

[Guest DevonSFescort]

Congratulations, Jeff. And well done. :-)

[Guest Bitchboy]

After having been married for a number of years and being a father to boot, I suspect my family did not suspect anything. But you can never predict what a relative's reaction will be. I was scared to death to tell them, but used the breakup as a catalyst. My mother and father both pretended not to understand It's like I never told them. But my sister, someone I never felt particularly close to, was so encouraging. She expressed sorrow for all the years I felt I had to pretend.

 

I think it's wonderful, Jeff, that you decided you didn't want to pretend anymore.

[Guest Love Bubble Butt]

I too hate the term/phrase "gay lifestyle." And I also think it's not appropriate to describe gays. In my view, a "lifestyle" is something one chooses to live; we don't choose to be gay any more than a straight person chooses to be straight. We are what we are, and as gays, we simply make the best of it.

 

I feel the exact same way about the term "sexual preference." I prefer instead "sexual orientation." The first (again) implies that it is a choice. The latter indicates it is part of our being.

 

A co-worker with whom I had come out to referred to my "sexual preference." I corrected her in saying, "wanting to be on top or on bottom is a sexual preference. Being gay is about sexual orientation."

[Rick Munroe]

>As of late I have become very fond of the word

>QUEER, a word originally used to demean us,

>now being reclaimed with pride.

 

I think you might be dating yourself again...that was a popular word in the late 80's. But it's still a good one. Hey, it works for Showtime.

[Guest RetrdEscrt]

Its probably the most nerve racking thing a gay person has to do if they 'come out' to their family because in a lot of times you do not know what the reaction is gonna be.

 

I came out when i was 14 years old and i feel i was very lucky because both of my parents were very liberal they weren't THAT shocked actually i think my mom was pretty relieved that she wouldnt be a grandmother ,all they were worried about was that i didnt sleep around and it became a ritual that every time i went out a pack of condoms would magically appear 'just in case' as my mom would say ,personally i dont know why families are ripped apart by this if you love a sibling it shouldnt matter who they sleep with (yes i know its not that simple BUT IT SHOULD BE ).

[duke37]

Thanks guys! You know you are all so great, so much for the reputation of the posters on this board being a bunch of bitchy queens.:-)

 

To be honest though the reason I posted this was I thought my reaction was kind of funny. At least my friends thought so when I told them. Perhaps I need some time at Rick Munroe's School of Comic Timing?

 

Seriously though my brother was the person I was most concerned about a negative reaction. He is very religious. IN fact an abortion clinic protestor. He's been arrested at demonstrations. So you see he is kind of out there. We had basically not been speaking for the last couple of years because I thought some of his religious views were so nuts and he couldn't seem to have a conversation without bringing them up.

 

But since he came down to the funeral and he seemed in a reflective mood I thought it might be a good time to patch things up. Despite the tears of the funeral we had a great visit. I'm more mature and happier and I think he is as well.

 

So when I drove him up to Tampa to catch an early am flight we got a hotel room and ended up talking all night. So it was a good time to tell him.

 

I'm sure I'm going to be part of expanding his world view about homosexuality. So far so good, he has has invited me to come up and see them in Boston this spring. I'm going to go.

 

But no more secrets.

 

Jeff

[Guest fukamarine]

>I came out when i was 14 years old and i feel i was very lucky

>because both of my parents were very liberal they weren't THAT

>shocked actually i think my mom was pretty relieved that she

>wouldnt be a grandmother ,all they were worried about was that

>i didnt sleep around and it became a ritual that every time i

>went out a pack of condoms would magically appear 'just in

>case' as my mom would say

 

At age FOURTEEN???? Honey, that goes way beyond liberal. Dr. Laura would never approve!

 

fukamarine