Just to be Clear

[tom1980]

I have a problem and hope some of the escorts who visit here will offer me some advice on how to deal with the situation. Opinions from clients are welcome too, but I'm really trying to figure out what this escort is thinking.

 

Here's what happened. I am being intentionally vague with certain details because I don't want to out the escort. Last week, I found myself in the same city as an escort with whom I had one excellent experience a few months ago. When I saw that the escort and I would be in the same city at the same time, I emailed him to check his schedule. We agreed on a date and time several days in advance. A couple of days before we were set to meet, I got a huge assignment with a deadline the morning after our scheduled visit. Fearing I may have to cancel the appointment, I let the escort know about the deadline.

 

I worked really hard last week (staying in the office until after 3:00 a.m. the night/morning before the meeting was scheduled) to make sure I got all the work finished and wouldn't have to miss the meeting with the escort. The morning of the meeting, I sent the escort a text to confirm that he was still available. He texted back to say he was available and ask what time I wanted to meet. I responded by telling him that I was going to try to get off of work early and would confirm an exact time later in the day.

 

Around 4:00, the escort emailed to tell me he was canceling our appointment because he scheduled with someone else. My phone internet was down at the time, and I didn't get the message for more than an hour. As soon as I saw the email, I texted the escort to confirm he had canceled on me and ask if he was available another time while we were both still in the city. Before he could respond, I thought to myself that maybe he thought I was having to work late because of the deadline and didn't understand when I said "early" that I meant really early rather than earlier than midnight or something. I sent another text that said something like, "Just to be clear, I was definitely available tonight."

 

When the escort responded, he took offense at my use of the phrase "just to be clear." He explained that he's an intelligent guy, it was not clear to him that I was available, and he didn't appreciate me talking down to him. I was confused at first because I couldn't figure out why he was insulted. I use the phrase "just to be clear" synonymously with "to clarify" all the time when I realize I have failed to communicate clearly. When I read the words back, I realized that in writing the phrase can seem condescending. I apologized profusely to the escort via text and email and explained my use of the phrase in daily verbal communications. I also took full responsibility for the miscommunication and told him I hoped we could get together the next time we are in the same city, but he didn't respond. After a few days, I contacted him again to apologize and explain, but I still haven't received a response.

 

So here's my question escorts: was my "just to be clear" text message so offensive that you would block me immediately after responding so that you never received my multiple apologies? Or has the guy received my messages and decided not to respond?

 

I've probably invested way too much emotional energy trying to solve this mystery and make sure the guy got my apology, but it really bothers me to think that he thought I was insulting him. I would've dropped the issue last week if not for the fact that I had such a great experience with this guy before. He seemed like a really awesome guy when I met him a few months ago, and I really would like to see him in the future.

[rvwnsd]

I'm not an escort, but I might be able to provide some insight. I have a very direct demeanor. Not rude, but direct. Many people are not direct. I think so many people are indirect that when faced with a direct statement, people either do not know how to react or they react unfavorably. In addition to being direct, I write in complete, grammatically correct sentences, including when I text. Drives some people nuts! It is their issue and there is not much I can do about it.

[adriano46]

tom1980, I use the same expression you used, and have never thought it condescening or demeaning. I do think that the escort has issues, though.

 

In recent months, my job has taken on a lot of work, and extra hours are the norm, often coming at the last minute. It makes long-range planning almost impossible. It also makes it difficult to book a visiting escort from out of town (which usually has to be done in advance) and keep the date when the time actually comes. It's the state of our economy, and lately I wonder if I should not simply call a moratorium on hiring until I have a vacation.

[bigvalboy]

Personally tom1980, I feel that you are really over thinking this. Unless this is someone that you really care about and just have to see again, I would let it go. He seems overly sensitive to me and that is something that you just can't control. The term I use is "Just want to make sure we are on the same page", but yours was fine. You were the one that stayed up till 3 am just to accomodate him, I never would have done that. Go get some sleep and let all of this die down. Maybe contact him next time you are in town, and if he wants to see you fine, if not, then so be it..Good Luck

[gallahadesquire]

[no quotes, for once]

 

I know you understand

what you THINK I said,

but I'm not sure you realize

That what you HEARD

is NOT what I meant.

 

- Anonymous

 

Some phrases drive me absolutely nuts. "Well, if YOU say so." "Let's be clear about this." [i prefer something like this: "So, what I understand you're saying is ..."]

 

At virtually all times, and in virtually all cases, use of the "I" works much better. "So I am clear about this," implies that the deficit is on your part. Much better. No blame to hHe-who-is-to-be-paid.

 

(Virtual. "The Zenith tone arm tracks at 2 gm, with virtually no wear." That's where I learned that meaning of "virtual.")

BTW: If there are any younger members online, the "tone arm" had a "cartridge" that ... "read" [for want of a better term] the groove of the vinyl record.

When CDs came in - all sorts of analog devices died. May they rest in peace.

 

I need to take my Ritalin.

[MiamiLooker]

Maybe your perception of the previous meeting is a little rosier than that of the escort. Otherwise, I would think he would give you the benefit of the doubt.

[tom1980]

Maybe your perception of the previous meeting is a little rosier than that of the escort. Otherwise, I would think he would give you the benefit of the doubt.

 

I've been wondering about that. But he was very friendly and enthusiastic in communications setting up the appointment.

 

I appreciate all of the comments. In fairness to the escort, I didn't tell him about staying up late, etc. before the meeting. I can understand why he booked someone else and don't hold that against him. I don't even hold his getting upset when he got my "just to be clear" text against him. And he may have a perfectly good explanation for not responding to me after the fact. The reason I was vague is that I don't want to bad mouth this guy. He has a great reputation, which I think is well deserved.

 

Anyway, thanks for the perspective. I'll contact him again the next time we're in the same city and see if he responds. Until then, I'll let it go.

[Guest joeburger]

tom,

 

speaking as an escort, obviously there was a break down in communication and that happens with texting. i appreciate ownership on your part and that shows maturity. when a break down with texting, miscommunication, happens the phone needs to be picked up and talking needs to take place. this whole thing sounds like a misunderstanding but the behavior of the escort lacks maturity and it looks like they jumped the gun too quickly. that's my opinion.

 

joeburger

[cany10011]

Although you were quite clear in confirming your intent, the escort probably had another offer come up and he took a confirmed appointment (with definite time) versus a nebulous, "i'll contact you later when i'm free". He probably expected to contact him sometime around afternoon to confirm a definite time and didn't hear from you and decided to email you a cancellation at 4. Meeting guys during business conferences are tough in terms of scheduling (unless it's closer to bedtime) as it is difficult to break free from work functions and colleagues without looking anti social. Or, perhaps the escort was a little sensitive with your communication- sometimes words just touch people off the wrong way.

[JoeyBryant]

tom,

speaking as an escort, obviously there was a break down in communication and that happens with texting.

 

See, hopefully this is a lesson learned and others will follow suit. Things will continue to get miscommunicated and appointments will continue to get missed.

 

But see too, he may have thought the appointment didn't really sound definite. Like how a client talked about work and schedule and so on...saying there might be a chance, but then cancels the day of. Not to say his mentioning wasn't the right move, but we have to make our own decisions sometimes. When you weigh iffy versus definite, definite is going to win every time. However, if it were me and I wanted to maximum my earnings, I would have tried to schedule other client at different time. I'd be pretty damn miffed if a client told me, "oh I already booked another escort, I have to cancel." Like, why would you assume that I'm not available and hire someone else and then tell me about it? It's like double-booking a room at a hotel.

 

In recent months, my job has taken on a lot of work, and extra hours are the norm, often coming at the last minute. It makes long-range planning almost impossible. It also makes it difficult to book a visiting escort from out of town (which usually has to be done in advance) and keep the date when the time actually comes. It's the state of our economy, and lately I wonder if I should not simply call a moratorium on hiring until I have a vacation.

 

that's like the person who called me the morning of my arrival, but I couldn't arrive at the time he was free. But had he contacted me earlier that week, atleast 1 day ahead, I would have bumped up my travel to the day prior since he was wanting to meet early in the day. But since it didn't happened that way, his time was limited; my time here is limited...nobody wins.

[RockHard]

What a dud.

 

I realized that in writing the phrase "Just to be clear" can seem condescending.

 

I wish Newt Gingrich would realize that. He can't lecture anyone without using the phrase.

 

When the escort responded, he took offense at my use of the phrase "just to be clear." He explained that he's an intelligent guy...and he didn't appreciate me talking down to him.

 

Overly sensitive people are a pain in the ass. They should work their shit out in therapy.

 

Any escort who gets offended by a text message is an idiot, unless the message is "fuck you, asshole," which is pretty unambiguous. Any escort who would close the door on a 2nd-time customer over something so silly deserves NO MONEY FROM YOUR WALLET.

 

I apologized profusely

 

That is a little concerning. Your innocent words DO NOT justify a profuse apology. Let's get real here and hang on to some balls (and dignity). If the escort was truly "intelligent," and knew something about customer service, he would profusely apologize to you (and offer a free 30 minutes).

 

I suggest you move on and find a more caring man.

[citylaw1]

I've been wondering about that. But he was very friendly and enthusiastic in communications setting up the appointment.

 

I appreciate all of the comments. In fairness to the escort, I didn't tell him about staying up late, etc. before the meeting. I can understand why he booked someone else and don't hold that against him. I don't even hold his getting upset when he got my "just to be clear" text against him. And he may have a perfectly good explanation for not responding to me after the fact. The reason I was vague is that I don't want to bad mouth this guy. He has a great reputation, which I think is well deserved.

 

Anyway, thanks for the perspective. I'll contact him again the next time we're in the same city and see if he responds. Until then, I'll let it go.

 

You'll contact him again??? Stop now while there may be shreds of self respect left. What's the deal with falling down for this idiot queen? Unless you are completely out of your mind obsessed, you should move on. Clearly this guy is a prick.

[jjkrkwood]

I think there are 2 lessons here:

1) things dont often translate well via text. Someting about a live communication that breathes life and true meaning into a conversation. Never assume your message is being received in the manner it was intended.

2) Stop obsessing over escorts. Certianly there are enuf to go around, and if things dont work out with one, there is another waiting in the wings. Once it gets to an obsessive point, you have OTHER issues......

[seeker630]

I think there are 2 lessons here:

1) things dont often translate well via text. Someting about a live communication that breathes life and true meaning into a conversation. Never assume your message is being received in the manner it was intended.

 

I think the risk of misunderstanding (especially between 2 people who don't know each other's personalities & styles) is probably greater in texting than it is in emails, because texting tends to be terser.

[+ purplekow]

Just to be clear, you were felt to be condescending by using the phrase "just to be clear"?

 

I sometimes try to go out of my way to be nice, because i like being liked and then after an effort to continue my being liked streak fails, I feel bad and unliked. Or so I once felt, perhaps in high school. Now, I try to be a good person and I figure as long as my intention was not hurtful, one apology for an inadvertent slight is pleny.

 

Get over it and consider having an actual conversation the next time. At least you can explain how your foot got in your mouth immediately rather than days later.

[Lohengrin1979]

I wish Newt Gingrich would realize that. He can't lecture anyone without using the phrase.

 

 

 

Overly sensitive people are a pain in the ass. They should work their shit out in therapy.

 

Any escort who gets offended by a text message is an idiot, unless the message is "fuck you, asshole," which is pretty unambiguous. Any escort who would close the door on a 2nd-time customer over something so silly deserves NO MONEY FROM YOUR WALLET.

 

 

 

That is a little concerning. Your innocent words DO NOT justify a profuse apology. Let's get real here and hang on to some balls (and dignity). If the escort was truly "intelligent," and knew something about customer service, he would profusely apologize to you (and offer a free 30 minutes).

 

I suggest you move on and find a more caring man.

 

Rockhard puts it succinctly and bluntly. Like it or not, we are in an age where text messages are the norm for communication. For the escort to get bent out of shape when he cancelled on you seems rather rich to me. You let him know you would confirm an exact time later and he took another gig instead. What he should have done is emailed you asking if you could please confirm a time with him as soon as he received an offer from another client, instead of summarily informing you that he was canceling with you to schedule with said client. I wouldn't have apologized beyond "Sorry you took my words that way" and I certainly wouldn't be eager to hire him again since he's demonstrated not only an unwillingness to accept responsibility for his mistake but a lack of business acumen as well.

 

 

Lohengrin

[Dave]

hi Tom1980!

 

i'm sorry you had this issue arise. although you didn't quite ask for it, i'm going to give you my (escort) perspective on the whole thing:

 

you guys should've had some phone conversations in there.

 

i don’t text at all. but i get my work email messages on my phone, so i can relate to the challenges of this sort of communication. when things got iffy - “Fearing I may have to cancel the appointment, I let the escort know about the deadline” - you should've dialed him and had a real conversation about this.

in that way, you could've heard his tone, and he could've heard yours. tone can convey a much greater degree of committment than the written word.

 

“I sent the escort a text to confirm that he was still available. He texted back to say he was available and ask what time I wanted to meet. I responded by telling him that I was going to try to get off of work early and would confirm an exact time later in the day.”

hmmm, so it sounds to me like the appointment was now up in the air...

 

"Around 4:00, the escort emailed to tell me he was canceling our appointment because he scheduled with someone else."

huh? he shouldve called you. in my opinion, appointment cancellations should be done live, not in sent messages. and here’s a perfect example of why: “My phone internet was down at the time, and I didn't get the message for more than an hour.”

if he wouldve called you, he obviously would've known if you had answered the phone or not. if he had to leave a message, he should've included something in the message like, “please call me back to let me know you’ve got this.”

 

"As soon as I saw the email, I texted the escort to confirm he had canceled on me and ask if he was available another time while we were both still in the city."

oy vey - dude, you should've called. now you were up against a bit of a time crunch, because you and he no longer had the same amount of free time that you did when you originally booked. IMO if you really wanted to see him, you would've picked up the phone and tried harder to make it happen.

 

"Before he could respond, I thought to myself that maybe he thought I was having to work late because of the deadline and didn't understand when I said 'early' that I meant really early rather than earlier than midnight or something. I sent another text that said something like, 'Just to be clear, I was definitely available tonight.' "

oy vey - dude, you should've called. IMO things were now getting muddled - yet another reason to call. speaking can clarify things much quicker - and lessen the chances of further misunderstanding - than writing.

 

“I also took full responsibility for the miscommunication and told him I hoped we could get together the next time we are in the same city, but he didn't respond.”

oy vey - dude, you should've called. you would have heard his response then and there, unless he is either mute or would have been stunned at what you said.

and why are you taking full responsibility for the miscommunication? unless you are making a speech or delivering a lecture (situations when you don't get any feedback on what you've just said), when communication fails it is rarely one person's fault entirely.

 

“After a few days, I contacted him again to apologize and explain, but I still haven't received a response.”

oy vey - dude, you should've called. for the reason above.

 

what’s up with hiding behind messages so much?

"So here's my question escorts: was my "just to be clear" text message so offensive that you would block me immediately after responding so that you never received my multiple apologies?"

no, not in my opinion.

 

“Or has the guy received my messages and decided not to respond?”

none of us can know that. but i know one way to figure it out...

 

“I've probably invested way too much emotional energy trying to solve this mystery and make sure the guy got my apology”

yes, you have.

 

"but it really bothers me to think that he thought I was insulting him. I would've dropped the issue last week if not for the fact that I had such a great experience with this guy before. He seemed like a really awesome guy when I met him a few months ago, and I really would like to see him in the future."

then pick up the phone and have a real, man-to-man conversation!

 

 

look guys, i know that it is hard for some of you to do this. you either have schedules that offer you little time to call, or no physical spaces with adequate privacy in which to call, or perhaps you’re somewhat shy about speaking with someone live - and writing to them is easier. but if you want to have successful interactions - dare i say even RELATIONSHIPS - with escorts, sometimes you need to find the time, the place, and the nerve to speak with him live.

 

anyone who wants to discuss this with me - feel free to give me a call

[tom1980]

Dave -- I agree that talking on the phone might have resolved some of the communication problems. But that generally isn't an option for me. I can't call from work for (hopefully) obvious reasons, especially long distance. I can't call from my cell phone because my wife gets and pays the bill. When there's a long distance number she doesn't recognize, she asks me, "Who do you know with a XXX- area code?" If I'm traveling and the hotel allows free local calls, sometimes that's a possibility. But that wouldn't have worked in this case. I used to have a disposable cell phone. I guess I could buy one of those again, but I always feared my wife finding that phone and asking questions. So I can use my gmail account to email and google voice to text from my phone, but actually talking can be difficult. Also, it's very rare that I've had trouble communicating via text or email. This is the first time I've ever had a communication breakdown that led to an appointment being canceled.

[JoeyBryant]

I used to have a disposable cell phone. I guess I could buy one of those again, but I always feared my wife finding that phone and asking questions. So I can use my gmail account to email and google voice to text from my phone, but actually talking can be difficult. Also, it's very rare that I've had trouble communicating via text or email. This is the first time I've ever had a communication breakdown that led to an appointment being canceled.

 

Screw disposable cell phones. That's too much stuff to carry around. Get you a little sim card and hide it in your wallet. Doesn't matter who the provider is, as long as that pre-paid provider uses a SIM. T-Mobil, AT&T (but not Verizon or Cricket.MetroPCS). Sim card is usually $15. Add minutes, $10.

 

http://www.cellphones.ca/news/upload/2009/03/triple-sim-phone.jpg

 

This particular phone has 3 sim card holders. Or, you can use a phone with 1 sim card and just switch them back and forth when you are in hiring mode. The point isn't to hide what calls you're making on your phone (as you should be deleting those as you go along) but rather to not have those calls show up on the bill that your wife is paying.

 

In addition, if I'm correct many service providers now allow text message records to be shown as well. Not detailed results, but the time and date of the SMS. So if your wife sees you sending and receiving 500 text messages to a number in 1 hour, may raise a brow. Even better reason to get on the sim card tip...

[tom1980]

I hadn't thought of just switching out the sim card. That might be a good way to handle the issue. Of course, my phone only has one sim card slot so I'd have to switch the card in and out. Which means I'd have to schedule times to talk or only use it for outgoing calls. But that could still be useful. Thanks for the tip.

[JoeBlow]

Based on Tom's description of the situation, I think the escort was wrong to take offense. He was doubly-wrong to become haughty with the customer (Tom). He was downright immature to shut-off all communication and ignore Tom's profuse apologies. I'm a married, closeted, respectful man in decent shape. When I hire, my desires are very vanilla. Yet, I've had a couple of experiences in the past year with escorts who acted like they were doing me a favor by corresponding with me and agreeing to meet me. One guy even reminded me twice during our appointment that he was a previous "Escort of the Year" and how lucky I was to "snag" an appointment with him. Give me a break! The vast majority of escorts I've hired are incredible men with charismatic personalities. But it's a complete turn-off when I correspond or meet with one who is full of himself. Escorts should take a cue from companies known for first-class customer service (Nordstroms, American Express, Apple, Ritz-Carlton, etc). At the end of the day, clients are their customer and should be treated with outrageously positive customer service, even when the escort thinks he has been wronged.

[tom1980]

Thanks for the tip Anton. I was thinking of connecting the new sim card to my google voice account so that I'd receive an email or text notification on my regular phone when I got a Voicemail on the 2nd sim card. Then I could switch the cards out to return the call. That sounded like a serious pain so I'm glad to know there are other options.

[robberbaron4u]

With the exception of a few escorts of note, Stephen Draker and Anton who I consider "professionals" in the business, any situation that arises in a hire is going to be ALL your fault.

[tom1980]

With the exception of a few escorts of note, Stephen Draker and Anton who I consider "professionals" in the business, any situation that arises in a hire is going to be ALL your fault.

 

The sad thing is that I thought this guy was a real professional. Many posters on the forum adore him and have commented on his professionalism and good attitude in the past. That's a big reason why I thought I must've been out of line and needed a reality check (hence this thread) and also why I said I would still be interested in meeting this guy in the future. I've also seen many posts from escorts about writing clients off over seemingly minor issues. So I was wondering if my "insult" qualified me for that treatment. I know that each escort makes his own decision about whether a client has done something to merit being cut off, but I didn't think I crossed that line and have been very grateful for all the feedback.

 

At any rate, this has been a very enlightening experience. At this point I'm no longer sure what I do if I ever find myself in the same city as this escort again. I'm still curious to know what happened from his perspective and I'm not the type to hold a grudge; so maybe I would call him and see what happens. Then again, I'm not going to chase after a guy who isn't interested in me as a client no matter how good a previous meeting was.

[tom1980]

To the extent anyone is interested (I know Maxwell looks for closure on some stories), I did get a message from the escort that was the topic of this thread over the weekend. He apologized for not responding to me sooner, took some responsibility for the miscommunication, and promised to contact me the next time he visits Dallas. As for me, based on his response, I'm definitely willing to see him again. Hopefully there will be no drama to report the next time I find myself in this escort's domain or him in mine, but I'll let y'all know if there is.