I've Woken Up From My Fool's Dream--and I Feel Slightly Better

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm definitely not as frustrated as before. Don't get me wrong--I'm still frustrated --but much less.

 

What am I talking about? The fact that I deleted my Scruff, Grindr, and Growlr Apps, and I deleted/inactivated my profiles on Adam4Adam and Manhunt. I did it all in one fell swoop. Cold Turkey, baby!!! I also deleted my profile on OkCupid--and haven't looked at my Zoosk Account in months. I think my Bear411 and Silver Daddys profiles are still up--but I'm not looking at them.

 

So I'm frustrated at not having sex--but at least this is something that I am used to. Those Apps were feeding a fantasy that I might get to have sex--and ok--I'll admit--after a cumulative total of 5 months on all the sites--I had "complete sex twice (2 different guys) --but one was a really short meeting because he had to go back to work for a late meeting (he said he worked for the government but couldn't tell me what he did)--he wanted me to stay--to meet afterwards and "finish"--but I couldn't.

 

Then I had what I would call 3 episodes of incomplete sex-with 3 other guys--why incomplete--well either they didn't really like to kiss--or it was oral only.

 

I also have quit going to the bath-houses (or at least--have quit going by myself--occasionally it's the best place to meet with an escort--if neither of us can do incalls). There's no point. It's not like I go to them frequently--but in all my times--I had complete sex twice-- received a hand job once--and received oral once. The other times--no one was interested.

 

I realize that many fellow Forum Members have said that they hardly ever actually meet guys from these sites----but I have to believe at least a subset of the guys on there do hook up--or even make some friends--either with or without benefits. But I am facing up to the fact--which I really knew all long--I am not going to be in that subset. It's possible--I suppose--that I could meet people on those sites--but the amount of sex I get in comparison to the amount of frustration is way, waaaayyy out of proportion. The Economic Law of Diminishing Returns--comes into play.

 

It's my own fault--I realize that. I'm the one who was bound and determined never to act on being gay when I was young and possibly slightly more attractive. So when I finally broke down--and decided to have sex--it was at the start of middle age--with a slowing metabolism and an ever increasing waist size. I guess I might be able to find someone with a similar physique like mine--but unfortunately as discussed in another thread--I'm not attracted to those type of guys in general. And at my age it's hard enough to achieve an erection--even with the "little blue pill"--if I'm not attracted to the guy--then there is a good chance I won't be able to perform.

 

 

I guess I could maybe lose some weight--except for the fact that I just turned 51--and I've been telling myself since the age of 14 that I needed to start getting into shape-well thank G-d for puberty slimming me up back then--because if it had been left solely up to me--I'd be even larger than I currently am now. But in reality--while I could maybe start working out--I unfortunately don't have a lot of stick-to-it ness. The only thing I've ever been able to have "stick-to-it-ness" about--is not accepting being gay--and well we see where that has gotten me.

 

So I'm frustrated--but now at least I've come back to the real world--or at least my real world. Besides now that I'm not spending all my time on the Hook-Up sites, I have more time for something really worthwhile--Scramble with Friends--by Zynga.

 

Gman

[jjkrkwood]

Ok Gar, here is what I have to say in response to your post. First of all, I am older than you, at 60 years old. I have worked out for over 25 years so I am in fairly good shape for a guy my age, and even so, I have NEVER met a guy off any website, although I have corresponded with many. I am also NOT as OVEREXPOSED as you on these sites, which might be part of the problem. If you use the same screen name and profile details, guys remember, and could consider you too desperate, or "loose". Yes its funny to say "loose" considering everyone is there for the same reason, eventhough some might not admit to it. As I have posted before, I dont believe most of the guys on these sites really want to meet face-to-face. I think for alot of them its about the fantasy, the chase, and seeing WHO shows an interest in them ONLY. Its playing a game, like solitare on your Iphone...

I do however, frequent sex clubs in NYC, and for a mere entrance fee, I can hookup with a selction of guys that know why they are there, and mean business. Yes, there are some stand-and-pose guys, but for the most part its very active, i always do OK, and never leave empty mouthed. So the question remains why cant I do as well ONLINE???? I think the answer is in my original conclusion. So dont get discouraged, dont take it personally, cause you are not alone in your experiences. I think the trick is to just leave the online profiles intact and wait for the hits, but dont take it so seriously, and dont stress over it. You also can never figure out WHY someone is attracted to a certain person and not to another. Its all pretty random. I have experienced a long term relationship of 22 years, but have been single again for 11. I have hope I can find another longterm relationship, because for ME, thats the most fulfilling existence. BUT, I am not gonna drive myself nuts over it. It will happen if its meant to be, but for it happen you must be "visible". Making yourself invisible is taking a step backwards. Keep things in perspective, remember you are not alone in your experiences, and try to enjoy your life, whether it involves sex or not..

[+ Gar1eth]

Ok Gar, here is what I have to say in response to your post. First of all, I am older than you, at 60 years old. I have worked out for over 25 years so I am in fairly good shape for a guy my age, and even so, I have NEVER met a guy off any website, although I have corresponded with many. I am also NOT as OVEREXPOSED as you on these sites, which might be part of the problem. If you use the same screen name and profile details, guys remember, and could consider you too desperate, or "loose". Yes its funny to say "loose" considering everyone is there for the same reason, eventhough some might not admit to it. As I have posted before, I dont believe most of the guys on these sites really want to meet face-to-face. I think for alot of them its about the fantasy, the chase, and seeing WHO shows an interest in them ONLY. Its playing a game, like solitare on your Iphone...

I do however, frequent sex clubs in NYC, and for a mere entrance fee, I can hookup with a selction of guys that know why they are there, and mean business. Yes, there are some stand-and-pose guys, but for the most part its very active, i always do OK, and never leave empty mouthed. So the question remains why cant I do as well ONLINE???? I think the answer is in my original conclusion. So dont get discouraged, dont take it personally, cause you are not alone in your experiences. I think the trick is to just leave the online profiles intact and wait for the hits, but dont take it so seriously, and dont stress over it. You also can never figure out WHY someone is attracted to a certain person and not to another. Its all pretty random. I have experienced a long term relationship of 22 years, but have been single again for 11. I have hope I can find another longterm relationship, because for ME, thats the most fulfilling existence. BUT, I am not gonna drive myself nuts over it. It will happen if its meant to be, but for it happen you must be "visible". Making yourself invisible is taking a step backwards. Keep things in perspective, remember you are not alone in your experiences, and try to enjoy your life, whether it involves sex or not..

 

JJK--actually I was thinking of you a bit--in my last post--when I talked about other Forum Members saying they had trouble meeting guys on that site. And believe me, I appreciate the pep talk--thank you. But my experiences online are just extensions of my experiences at sex clubs/bath houses. Too much effort--no real return.

 

I can't do it anymore. It just hurts too much--it's like dangling the carrot in front of the horse--but I'm smarter than the horse. I know that unless the carrot accidentally drops--I ain't going to get it.

 

Gman

[jjkrkwood]

JJK--actually I was thinking of you a bit--in my last post--when I talked about other Forum Members saying they had trouble meeting guys on that site. And believe me, I appreciate the pep talk--thank you. But my experiences online are just extensions of my experiences at sex clubs/bath houses. Too much effort--no real return.

 

I can't do it anymore. It just hurts too much--it's like dangling the carrot in front of the horse--but I'm smarter than the horse. I know that unless the carrot accidentally drops--I ain't going to get it.

 

Gman

 

And sometimes Gman, the carrot aint ALL its cracked up to be.

[maxwellissmart]

Too much effort--no real return.

 

Gareth, I am stunningly handsome. I can't get squat on Manhunt. The last guy I hooked up with was total client material (older, not in the best shape) who lives less than 3 minutes away. I thought we still had fun, so I tried to get him to do it again. He's not interested.

 

Feel better now? It happens to everyone.

 

(By the way, this story is completely true)

[jjkrkwood]

Gareth, I am stunningly handsome. I can't get squat on Manhunt. The last guy I hooked up with was total client material (older, not in the best shape) who lives less than 3 minutes away. I thought we still had fun, so I tried to get him to do it again. He's not interested.

 

Feel better now? It happens to everyone.

 

(By the way, this story is completely true)

 

Even the stunningly handsome part ? (wink)

[maxwellissmart]

Even the stunningly handsome part ? (wink)

 

ESPECIALLY that part.

[jjkrkwood]

ESPECIALLY that part.

 

And there lies the reason I love you so, you are sooooooo Humble...

[josephga]

I scored big time sunday night. I was talking to this 21 year old twink on grindr. He just moved here from Mississippi. We talked about an hour then he went to a office party that lasted until 10pm then about midnight I get a text. He is at a bar stood up by friends on his 3rd glass of wine looking for a reason not to get a 4th. It was raining cold and said he wanted a all night cuddle buddy. wanted to come over. He shows up around 1am. I was awake all night no sleep with 3 clients to see the next day. now he slept like a baby all night with his head on my chest. We only kissed made out and cuddled spooning but I still had a great time lol But I have gone months and met no one. Talk to 5 to 7 guys at a time always an excuse. what's the odds of 5 to 7 guys all having family and friends in town the same weekend?

[corndog]

I am stunningly handsome.

 

I am totally impressed with the way you said that, with apparent honesty, and yet it doesn't really come off as boasting. Consider me one of your fans. (oh, even though I don't know who you are.)

[maxwellissmart]

I scored big time sunday night. I was talking to this 21 year old twink on grindr. He just moved here from Mississippi. We talked about an hour then he went to a office party that lasted until 10pm then about midnight I get a text. He is at a bar stood up by friends on his 3rd glass of wine looking for a reason not to get a 4th. It was raining cold and said he wanted a all night cuddle buddy. wanted to come over. He shows up around 1am. I was awake all night no sleep with 3 clients to see the next day. now he slept like a baby all night with his head on my chest. We only kissed made out and cuddled spooning but I still had a great time lol But I have gone months and met no one. Talk to 5 to 7 guys at a time always an excuse. what's the odds of 5 to 7 guys all having family and friends in town the same weekend?

 

I think your 5-7 guys are the ones who contact me all the time on Manhunt.

 

1) Has BBRAW in his screen name and no HIV status

2) Married, no pics and wants to stay "discrete" (which is the wrong word anyway)

3-4) Couple who over-advertise to the point of nausea with phrases like "the best blow job in America" and "bring your toothbrush 'cause you'll want to stay the night"

5) Will be coming to town in three months and wants to get a head start

6) Pic collector with no intention of actually meeting, who tried to send me to a non-existent address

7) Guy who won't get to the goddamned point already and draws out question "are you looking for now?" over 3 hours and 20 emails and then finally answers with "it's kinda late, maybe another time"

[josephga]

I get those to. I put in my profile no couples no partnered no married guys and those guys still contact me. some of my favorite ones, just looking for friends no hookups. no one looks for friends on those sites. I've gone out with guys that say no hookups and 10 minutes at your house your dicks in their mouth lol

another one i see posted allot. partnered no hookups, just friends. if i had a partner and he was on those sites looking for friends, he would soon be changing his status to single.lol

then 's the 20 message guys 20 messages and you are no closer to meeting than message one.. then theirs the OMG I just hooked up I feel like a slut and they block up soon as they can thinking what they just did would go away lol

[maxwellissmart]

...just looking for friends no hookups.

 

Me: you lookin'? (I always use the redneck version of "ing" because it makes the chat that much hotter)

NeedUrCockInEveryHoleRightNow: JESUS CHRIST! I get SO effing tired of people hitting on me on this site! NOT LOOKING!

Me: oh, sorry dude—thought between the profile that says ur a dirty cumslut and the pic of you at the bukkake party u might be up for it

[josephga]

And then there's discreet. I put up with enough of that in my massage business won't have it in my personal life. me with a phone full of face pics and a guy cant send me 2.

guys message me on those sites and say discreet? I say NO

[gallahadesquire]

Me: you lookin'? (I always use the redneck version of "ing" because it makes the chat that much hotter)

NeedUrCockInEveryHoleRightNow: JESUS CHRIST! I get SO effing tired of people hitting on me on this site! NOT LOOKING!

Me: oh, sorry dude—thought between the profile that says ur a dirty cumslut and the pic of you at the bukkake party u might be up for it

 

Reminds me of someone imitating a pterodactyl ... a cock in each hand, one in the mouth, and one in the Nether Regions.

Now try to FLY in that position!

[Guest Spanky]

Gareth, I am stunningly handsome.

 

I love a man with confidence. It's so sexy, and often helps one out when cruising the hookup sites.

 

Me: you lookin'? (I always use the redneck version of "ing" because it makes the chat that much hotter)

NeedUrCockInEveryHoleRightNow: JESUS CHRIST! I get SO effing tired of people hitting on me on this site! NOT LOOKING!

Me: oh, sorry dude—thought between the profile that says ur a dirty cumslut and the pic of you at the bukkake party u might be up for it

 

You are my new favorite poster.

[+ Gar1eth]

Gareth, I am stunningly handsome. I can't get squat on Manhunt. The last guy I hooked up with was total client material (older, not in the best shape) who lives less than 3 minutes away. I thought we still had fun, so I tried to get him to do it again. He's not interested.

 

Feel better now? It happens to everyone.

 

(By the way, this story is completely true)

 

Well you'd think that this would make me feel better--misery loves company and all that rot, but it doesn't. I feel bad for all of you too. And it just confirms my belief that if a handsome guy like Max can't find someone--then the odds for me are just about nil. But the other fact is that most of y'all have had relationships, boyfriends, girlfriends, f-ckbuddies, sex--without the need for these sites. I pretty much haven't.

 

Profanity taking a Higher Power's Name in Vain, I had never even french-kissed anyone--never fumbled around in the back seat of a car (or the front seat either for that matter) until I hired my 1st escort at the age of 41. So no happy memories for me of care-free f-cking in my salad days. So no memories for me from younger days--and while not totally ruling out a miracle (although I wish I could just resign myself to being alone with no expectations), it doesn't seem I have much to look forward to in the years ahead either.

 

Don't be too worried for me though--my right hand has professed it's undying love for me. And maybe that's all I can expect out of life--I just wish my heart would get the message--and could be satisfied with that.

 

Gman

[raulgmanzo]

... And it just confirms my belief that if a handsome guy like Max can't find someone--then the odds for me are just about nil.

 

Hot pictures and great physical stats help but those are often less important than the rest of the profile, the dialog and how open minded or picky you are going to be.

 

I occasionally use some of those sites and hook up with lots of guys. Lots hot, and some not. Including once in a while guys with no pictures. A hot picture and stats can be huge but is not a requirement and not as important as the whole profile and any dialogue.

 

But I'm not on there looking to go on a date or cuddle (though sometimes that happens). Perhaps because I enjoy 3ways (or more!), kink, unusual scenes etc it is actually easier. Kinky leather dudes are much more likely to cut to the chase and exchange phone numbers, and get down to business.

 

If dating is a slow drawn out dance to find a mate or lover then perhaps those sites are slow drawn out dances to make a date. Who the hell has the patience. Better to make that whole process be part of everyday living.

 

I think anyone looking for something like a boyfriend or even a date is better off getting out of their house. Go to museums, lectures, walk to fun and interesting shops, talk to your neighbors, volunteer, walk someplace new and completely unexpected.

 

But if one is looking for sex then I think a bunch of the sites work quite well. Put something interesting in your profile but keep it short. Not sure what is worse a boring nearly empty profile or one that lists a hundred dislikes.

 

If one is interested in finding a guy online that one is really into then I suggest starting out very open minded as far as hookups. You might learn something in the process. Maybe have fun, and who knows you might find your interests are broader than you thought.

 

 

Don't be too worried for me though--my right hand has professed it's undying love for me.

Masturbation is good. It is the people who NEVER or CAN'T masturbate that worry me.

[Pegasus]

Gar1,

I admire your candor, humility and transparency in this thread and on this Forum. It's refreshing.

[Phil_musc]

I have profiles on a few hook-up sights, and I have to say by and large I agree with the guys who think they are a waste of time. And to be honest, I've kinda played that game myself. Frequently I'm really not looking - don't have time (or the patience) to chat somebody up. Sometimes it's just kinda fun (in an unproductive way) to scope out the profiles and see what's out there. I agree with JJ - it's better (and certainly more fruitful) to go to a sex club or some such place where everybody has a paid a fee to get in the door, they've actually left their homes (part of the problem sometimes is overcoming inertia and thinking, "Oh go, do I really want to get dressed and go out?") and they are probably a little intense abut what they're actually going to do or attempt to do. But these kinds of places don't exist everywhere (at least that has been my experience). For those locations, the internet offers at least the possibility that something may happen (but I never count on it at this point - I've spent too much time IM-ing guys for what winds up being nothing). Then too we I've in a very ageist society - JJ, here again, I salute you for your exploits. Raul, have you honestly hooked up with someone with no pictures on a hook-up site? What are you looking for in the profile? Perhaps I need to change my wording or say less/more?

[JoeBlow]

I agree that Grindr, Scruff, etc. are mostly a wasted of time--especially for those of us in the over 40 y/o crowd. At the end of the day, Isn't it safer, more effective and more time-efficient to just hire one of your favorite well-reviewed escorts? That way you know you are going to get what you are looking for--great companionship with someone you like and to whom you are attracted---and great sex.

[+ Gar1eth]

I agree that Grindr, Scruff, etc. are mostly a wasted of time--especially for those of us in the over 40 y/o crowd. At the end of the day, Isn't it safer, more effective and more time-efficient to just hire one of your favorite well-reviewed escorts? That way you know you are going to get what you are looking for--great companionship with someone you like and to whom you are attracted---and great sex.

 

I've had many happy hours with escorts over the last 9-1/2 years--I've also had some that weren't so great--but and while there is no way to know this now-- I do think there is a good chance that if I had ever had anything approaching a normal sex life, I never would have hired to begin with. As it is--I only get sex when I employ an escort ( the very occasional times I've had non escort sex compose much, much less than 1% of my experiences--so that both in mathematical and real-life terms--my experience with non-escort sex can be considered negligible). And it bothers me--to know I'm paying for what most people get without a direct monetary contribution to their sex partner. It would be one thing if I even occasionally had a non-paid experience --and used escorts as a supplement. As it stands now--it's a battle royale between my libido and my self-esteem. I have to tell you that usually my libido wins out--and as a consequence my self-esteem gets lower and lower with each paid meeting. Of course not being able to get sex any other way, self esteem is probably a luxury I can't afford. I wish there were a good way to anesthetize or jettison mine, so I wouldn't feel so low about having to hire.

 

Gman

[jjkrkwood]

I agree that Grindr, Scruff, etc. are mostly a wasted of time--especially for those of us in the over 40 y/o crowd. At the end of the day, Isn't it safer, more effective and more time-efficient to just hire one of your favorite well-reviewed escorts? That way you know you are going to get what you are looking for--great companionship with someone you like and to whom you are attracted---and great sex.

 

Of course its Easier and efficient Joe, Safer? (maybe, maybe not) , Fulfilling ? (perhaps), but COSTLY ? Definitely, and for those of us that like to have sex More than once a week, it can put you in the poorhouse if you Cant afford it... Even at once a week, you are spending $200 - $300, which is $800 - $1200 per month. Yes I would love to pickup the phone everytime I am horny and Hire a hot escort with a Big cock to satisfy me, but I would probably then need to live in a cardboard box on the street. Otherwise, it would be a No-brainer.

[Phil_musc]

And the self esteem issue that Gman mentioned plays into it too. It's psychologically hotter knowing that the other guy s actually into you for you and not just the dollars you'll be shelling out. That's what separates the average escort from the great ones. The great ones get you past that hurdle and convince you that yes, they are really into you.

[jjkrkwood]

And the self esteem issue that Gman mentioned plays into it too. It's psychologically hotter knowing that the other guy s actually into you for you and not just the dollars you'll be shelling out. That's what separates the average escort from the great ones. The great ones get you past that hurdle and convince you that yes, they are really into you.

 

I think we all need to get past feelings of inadequacy when it comes to sex. Alot of times is strictly about having sex and getting a "release" and not about desire or attraction. Take it at face value. Dont overthink it if the opportunity arises. Just go with it... and as has been said before, some guys actually "get-off" on the money aspect of Hiring, which adds a "control" factor for them. So its really NOT about attraction at all in these cases. Although I can afford it, I prefer searching for Non-paid sex. I guess its the jew in me, that I always am thinking of what else I can do with the money... And the Free sex I usually find is quite satisfying for me. But when I really want to TREAT myself, I pull out the BIG guns and go for it... I think everyone needs to just do whats Best and most comfortable for them. I truly understand Gmans dilemma, and his feelings. I've been there too, We ALL have. But I learned that holding a pity-party for myself doesnt Help the situation OR change things. You need to act to make a change.