....................Unwritten Rules..............

[Godiva]

.........................................within a group of friends as far as straight friendships go..one would never date a former flame of one of your close friends. It always causes problems. There is also an unwritten rule with women..you cannot date your best friends ex..they are off limits..

 

Well how does this flow in gay relationships. Is it the same.. I hang with a group of guys and we have alot of fun together. Recently one of my best friends has expressed to me that he wants to go further.. He is amazing and I would have jumped at the chance if he wasn't part of my inner circle of friends. I value his friendship more than a relationship (Do you know what I mean?) I am afraid that it could destroy our friendship and or the dynamics of the group if we pursue this attraction. Is it different with us?? Have you ever fucked your best friend and remained close afterwards. Do things change..Are there "Unwritten Rules" for us too.

 

Experts weight in.........

[Rick Munroe]

>Are there "Unwritten Rules" for us too.

 

Generally, I don't live my life by rules...whether self-imposed or societal. I don't like to put too much thought (= worry, analysis, regret, etc) into my life...I just want to live it & be happy. I do what feels right and evaluate each situation on its own. I say if you want to fuck your friend & he wants you too, just do it. You only get one life.

 

People often ask Derek and me how we manage to have an open relationship & be escorts, whether we have a "don't ask, don't tell" policy, etc. We really have no rules or agreements regarding sex or anything else, and it works for us.

 

I gave Derek a birthday card a few years ago that had a message I loved. It was a very old wrinkled prune of a woman in a nursing home, being wheeled into a room where there was a cake for her with a million candles & a banner above that said, "Happy 100th Birthday, Mrs. Mazilli." And in her thought bubble, she was thinking, "I shoulda fucked every man I ever met." As I told Derek: words to live by.

[tedbear]

Yet another wise response from Rick. I agree with all he says.

 

One thing I find a major mystery in the gay world is this "I can't date you--we're friends" mentality. Who better to date than someone you already know you get along with, enjoy and for whom you have feelings?

 

Yes, it's tacky and rude to date someone who just broke up with a close friend, But with a friend itself, you're already past the beginning. Straight folks seem to jump into bed frequently enough, and sometimes it doesn't work out. And sometimes they go back to being friends. It happens. For some reason, gay guys can't seem to get past that "rule" that you can't date friends.

 

Godiva, you say this guy is expressing interest and that normally you'd jump at the chance. I say go ahead and jump. You don't have to be public about it among your friends. Although you have nothing to hide, it might be cool to be discrete about it for a while. It could also be kind of fun--keeping your relationship between the two of you until someone guesses or you finally mutually decide to tell everyone. Doing so could be pretty romantic if you go about it in a playful manner. Whereas if you immediately include "the gang" when you are on a date, it could become awkward if you decide to cool things off.

 

By no means do I suggest that you hide from your friends. Just be very cool among your mutual friends for a while and have fun with it. Just think how much fun it would be when the two of you walk into a group getogether holding hands and everyone is surprised.

 

Good Luck! Let us know how it works out. :7

[taylorky]

Just think how much fun it would be when the

>two of you walk holding hands

>

>

hey you take love where you find it!!!and part of love has to be being the guy's friend. hell jeff and i have know each other all of our lives and have been friends since we were 4 or 5 i guess.and have been with each other for almost 6 years (don't care for the word lover). anyway i'm rambling...........the thing is as long as nobody is unduly hurt and y'all really LIKE each other..........why not taylor@03:13/11-14-02

[BobbyB]

Absolutely go for it, but I also heartily endorse tedbear's sage advise to keep the union between the two of you initially. That way, you maintain a modicum of control until such time as you are sure you want to go public. Nothing can ruin things faster than someone who can't keep their two cents to themselves. Hell, just look at this forum! :-) Good luck and have a ball.

 

- BobbyB

[+ Hoover42]

Godiva, to add a slight cautionary note to the comments already submitted, I will say that there are some people who have trouble mixing friends with sex partners. If you know from experience that you fit into this category, then it might be unwise to jeopordize your relationship by crossing that line, given what you've said you want. I think it's important not to ignore this possibility.

[Guest Bitchboy]

I'm beginning my third year with someone who started out as an acquaintance, progressed to one of a group of friends, and finally broke out into a full-blown (oh, I love that word!) partner. I must admit, at first I was leary. I wasn't sure what would happen, and I didn't want to fuck (ah, love that one too!) up our circle of friends. When we first started the relationship we didnt' tell the others, but when it became apparent that it was going to be more than a fling, we made an "announcement" when we were all together out on Fire Island. Some said they knew already, others didn't seem to have a clue; no one was disturbed and we've remain a "group" even now. Love has no hard and fast rules when it's really love. I've never been happier. :)

[btmstudnyc]

It's funny how the opposite is also a big issue for some people too. You have sex with a guy for years, then decide...your better off as friends than as lovers. If he is a close friend...then sex should just be fun really. Unless, You want it to become something more. So you should ask yourself....and him....what do you want out of this...Just a good friend...who happens to be a good fuck buddy...or a good friend whom you would like to get closer to emotionally more than you already have.

 

Damn...NOW, I've opened up another can of worms.

 

HURUMPH.

 

JIM

[Guest jeffOH]

>I don't like to put too much

>thought (= worry, analysis, regret, etc) into my life...

 

Rick,

I admire people who aren't burdened by any thoughts.;-)

 

Godiva,

It's a tough call. If you really value your friendship, you may not want to chance ruining it.

 

When I'm in the Old Hookers' Retirement Home, I'd rather look around and see a few true friends than a bunch of old tricks.

 

Most of my family has disowned me and my "inner circle" of friends has become my chosen family so they mean alot to me.

 

JEFF

jeff4men@hotmail.com

[Flower]

>.........................................within a group of

>friends as far as straight friendships go..one would never

>date a former flame of one of your close friends. It always

>causes problems.

 

I'm not sure where your frame of reference comes from but I can tell you, having lived in the str8 world most of my life, that is a "rule" observed mostly in it's breach. But even if it were true, I'm not so sure that the rules that seem to govern the str8 world necessarily govern the gay world. Lots of different circumstances. I'm not talking about basic rules of decency and morality btw, but rules on relationships and sex.

 

 

*****

>Recently one of my best friends has expressed to me

>that he wants to go further.. He is amazing and I would have

>jumped at the chance if he wasn't part of my inner circle of

>friends. I value his friendship more than a relationship (Do

>you know what I mean?) I am afraid that it could destroy our

>friendship and or the dynamics of the group if we pursue this

>attraction. Is it different with us?? Have you ever fucked

>your best friend and remained close afterwards. Do things

>change..Are there "Unwritten Rules" for us too.

>

>Experts weight in.........

 

I claim no expertise, but to answer your 3 questions: yes I have and we have, and in our situation things changed for the better :+

 

A lot depends on your attitude about sex and what it means to have sex with someone, and whether or not you are both having fun at it as well as satifying yourselves. But sex means different things to different people.

 

I think everything is situational in this arena and pretty hard to generalize--what is right for one may not be for others, but I'd throw out the rule book and go with your heart and common sense -- deep down you will know what is right for you and your friend and I don't think any of us can tell you -- maybe if there are enough answers that back up your instincts you can gain solace in consensus, but bottom line is you that have to do what's right for you and there are no rules that really govern here -- IMHO anyway

[Guest jeffOH]

Most of my inner circle are hookers or retired escorts. I've had sex with 5 of 6. My best friend and I work together quite often with clients, so for me it's not a problem.

 

I did develop a huge crush on one friend when we initially met and saw clients together. I valued the friendship that had developed and realized that to preserve it, I had to get over the crush. I was quite honest with him about how I felt and it made our friendship all the stronger.

 

JEFF

jeff4men@hotmail.com

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

Without Friends In Mine

 

Because so many of us confuse sex with love, believe that a kiss is more than merely a kiss, because we want what we want when we want it (which is NOW), we all cross any number of lines, real or imagined, self impossed or coming from without. However, we cross those line nonetheless, and in the process, these very fragile things called feelings are bruised, hurt or even damaged. How can we feel so much love for one person and yet, what seems to exist is anger, bitterness, sadness or confusion?

 

History (and popular entertainment, to wit, Friends) is litered with the consequences of the actions we have taken (or failed to take). Every one of us needs to decide in these types of issue what we value most and act accordingly.

 

For myself, I have had sex with many friends at the initial stage and have never had sex with other friends and cannot conceive of ever doing so. I also believe my partner would have to be a good and close friend or we could not be partners. However, each of us will make our decisions and choose our life path in this regard.

[+ Charlie]

I wouldn't be surprised if some of the others in your friendship circle are already aware of the attraction between the two of you and are curious to see what happens. Of course, there may be some jealousy--why him? why not me?--and any change in one relationship within the group will affect the dynamics of the whole circle. However, no social situation remains static--change, whether perceived as growth or degeneration, is inevitable, so don't refuse the possibility of a sexual/romantic relationship only because you want everything to stay as it is, since it won't no matter what you do or don't do.

[hiJinX]

>I wouldn't be surprised if some of the others in your

>friendship circle are already aware of the attraction between

>the two of you and are curious to see what happens.

 

ITA, the othes likely see what is going on.

I am in a similar situation where I am into a guy who is a friend of a friend (the feeling in mutual). My friend has come right out and said that if I hook up with this guy he feels that he would never see the 2 of us again. We'd be off in some room breaking furniture together.

What complicates my situation is that my friend also has a thing for this guy and I am wary of treading on that ground, esp since they knew each other first which speaks to the Jealousy point brought up.

Also within this particular circle of friends, most of them have had sexual encounters with each other, which brings out a certain ick factor for me...but for the shows how common it is for friends to cross the sex line. They always explain it as "its a small community".

 

Take love wherever you can get it. Don't worry about rules but be clear with one another and if things dont work out you may still be able to salvage the friendship. Being rigid in your thinking is your enemy in a situation like this.

[Rick Munroe]

Everyone's talking about their circles of friends & I just realized that Derek and I have no circle of friends. We just have each other. Hey, co-dependence can be a beautiful thing.

[Guest Bitchboy]

That's what Minnie Driver and Chris O'Donnell said.

[Guest ncm2169]

...and then, there's your circle jerk of friends

[Rick Munroe]

>...and then, there's your circle jerk of friends

 

It's more of a gang bang with me on my knees. }(

[Godiva]

After reading the first few reponses... I got a little scared..But then a few chimed in which were a little closer to how I wanted to handle the situation. Thanxs for your input.

 

Why does it seem that most gay men seem self centered..which is why it seems that many can't hold long term relationships... because they are always looking for the next best thing no matter who they hurt.

 

Would you really give up a great friend over a roll in the hay?? I ask this because I am surrounded by this on a daily basis and it scares me.. I don't see it as much with my straight friends..they are much more loyal (in my case). Is our value structure that different from that of the straight world.

[Donnie]

>After reading the first few reponses... I got a little

>scared..But then a few chimed in which were a little closer to

>how I wanted to handle the situation. Thanxs for your input.

 

So why did you bother asking the question? You didn't really want to hear others' opinions. You merely wanted affirmation that you were doing the right thing. Pathetic.

[hiJinX]

>Everyone's talking about their circles of friends & I just

>realized that Derek and I have no circle of friends.

 

 

Aww Rick, I'll be your friend if you give me a dollar.