Ending a relationship

[Bosguy]

My partner and I have decided (mutually) to end our long-time realtionship and move on with our individual lives. I will be relocating and he will remain at our present location. WE have each given a lot of thought and many conversations about this and our decision is final.

 

I just need any advice you might be willing to share with me because at this time it seems as if everything will be friendly and mutually beneficial, my divorce many years ago started off the same and ended up as a very expensive and trying ordeal.

 

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated

[Mark450]

First I am sorry to hear this but it sounds like you have thought it out very well. My only advice would be to keep things as civil as possible and to really watch you say during this time. Keep a calm head and let small, petty things go. The emotions are raw right now, so keep a cool head. Good luck in your new phase of life.

[doitb4ugo]

Bosguy, I too am sorry to hear about the ending of your relationship. We don't know each other but I do wish you the best with moving forward. I would certainly echo what Mark450 said about letting small things rool off of you...The harder you try to keep the good things in mind the better chance there is that this will remain on the high road. If not the case, at least you can look back at some point and admire your reserve realizing that you did the best you could to keep it civil. Good luck.

[Guest greatness]

Oh my Bosguy, I'm sorry to hear about this news. Please think positively. We are here for you. Wish you the best. A big warm hug~~~

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

#1-Move out as quickly as possible: the longer you reside together, you are neither with him, nor without him, and you cannot start your own separation and healing process. Why tread water when you can get out and enjoy the swim?

 

#2-Make sure you are eating well and keeping yourself hydrated. It's easy to forget during periods of transition. Even if it's just a small meal, eat.

 

#3-Get more fresh air than you would normally. An extra walk around the block each day will help keep your brain alert.

 

#4-Laugh. Cartoons, comics, internet humor. Lots of goofy things to help you retain your sense of humour.

 

#5-Start work on a small voodoo doll of your ex......just in case things turn messy beyond your control. It's good to be prepared with a Plan B if needed.

 

Srsly, take care of yourself.

And keep us posted.

[MsGuy]

spoken from experience??

 

#5-Start work on a small voodoo doll of your ex......just in case.

 

Duchess, yore momma shore dint raise no fools.

[Guest greatness]

Oh my Duchess, does it really work? It's kind of scary though.. I have a lot of people who hate me and I sometimes wake up at night with an excruciating pain... Maybe a voodoo doll???

[kevininsa]

Bos, I am so sorry. I hope everything works out the way that you want it to. Try to be strong. And I think the Duchess probably had the best advice in those 5 items.

 

Best wishes!

[nate_sf]

Duchess has some great suggestions, along with the others here too.

 

I'd add that you should allow yourself to indulge in some of the things you yourself like, that you might have put aside or in the background in the relationship. Being in a relationship involves compromise, and sometimes one or both partners will put aside interests or hobbies that the other might not have enjoyed as much. This would be the time to rediscover those things you like, whether it be music, food, TV shows, activities.

 

For example, I used to enjoy hiking but my boyfriend didn't, so we found other things to do together but we did not hike. When we split, I started hiking again, and it felt great because it was something I'd enjoyed but hadn't been doing when we were together. It wasn't a big thing, but it felt really liberating to rediscover something I'd enjoyed before. You don't want to get caught up in resentment over these things, but at the same time you can allow yourself to be selfish and do things you want to do for you and nobody else.

[Guest TBinCHI]

Bosguy,

Lots of good advice on here, but I have one more thought. Don't forget to allow yourself to grieve. Whether the relationship ends amicably or in tatters, it is still a loss in your life and needs to be grieved. We all do that in different ways, for some it's easy and quick, for others not so much. If you find yourself thinking, feeling, or doing something that doesn't seem familiar, try to go with the flow and whatever you do, don't be too hard on yourself. I wish you the best!

[JT Brooklyn]

Bosguy...You having been Divorced many years ago and now going through it again..I'm thinking there's probably more advice you give other's than they you!

 

I would just say moving on with your Life "quickly and amicably" seems to be the thing to do at this time.

[+ purplekow]

CONGRATULATIONS in ending a relationship that was no longer working for either of you. You both have done the honorable thing, you have admitted that whatever the past may have been, your future does not include each other in that same way. I would advise you to keep in mind that this is a positive step each time petty jealousy and bitterness starts to creep into your thoughts. Ultimately leaving is hard but staying is unproductive and a waste of time. As your pathes diverge, there will be the temptation to look back and long for the safety and security this relationship once held for you. Remember that it does not offer that now. This transition will not be seamless but if you hold onto the respect and love you had for this person and let go of the emotions and events that drove a wedge between you, you may find, in time, that you can remain friends with the ex. By the way, no matter how tempting (at least one of you will be tempted) no sex with the ex. You may get your rocks off but you will start throwing stones at each other afterwards.

[Guest greatness]

It's good to see your post PK.

 

CONGRATULATIONS in ending a relationship that was no longer working for either of you. You both have done the honorable thing, you have admitted that whatever the past may have been, your future does not include each other in that same way. I would advise you to keep in mind that this is a positive step each time petty jealousy and bitterness starts to creep into your thoughts. Ultimately leaving is hard but staying is unproductive and a waste of time. As your pathes diverge, there will be the temptation to look back and long for the safety and security this relationship once held for you. Remember that it does not offer that now. This transition will not be seamless but if you hold onto the respect and love you had for this person and let go of the emotions and events that drove a wedge between you, you may find, in time, that you can remain friends with the ex. By the way, no matter how tempting (at least one of you will be tempted) no sex with the ex. You may get your rocks off but you will start throwing stones at each other afterwards.

[Bart]

What wonderful thoughts listed here. I am impressed with the notion of allowing oneself time to grieve. The two of you created a living thing when you became partners, that has now died and it does take time grieve, but dont wallow in the grief. Dont go through pictures and cut out the other for he was a part of your life and there were good times. Please try not to fight over "Things" especially out of spite or notion everything has to be 50/50. Life is never 50/50, if you can handle things on your own without the attorney all the better. For me exercise tends to be my outlet for those high emotional times, but we all have that method for stress relief. I once knew a gentleman who took all the joint possesions that weren't worth much $ but had sentiment and went to field, buried them and said a prayer and never looked back.

[+ FreshFluff]

Bosguy, I'm so sorry to hear that. From your message, it's hard to tell if you are looking for advice on how to keep the relationship amicable or how to get over the guy?

 

I went through an extremely tough breakup two years ago. I was so depressed that I was in incredible physical pain. As people promised me, time did heal, but it took two years. In the meantime, this book helped somewhat:

 

http://www.amazon.com/Survive-Loss-Love-Peter-McWilliams/dp/0931580439

[leigh.bess.toad]

One of few daily blogs I read I think is beautifully written (many times), sometimes funny, sometimes thought provoking, sometimes aggravating but more often than not gives me somethings to think about. It's called Confessions of a Straight Gay Man. (http://str8gayconfessions.com/author/str8gayconfessions/). But I woke up this morning to receive today's entry by email and what was the subject: When it Ain't Working: Getting Out Gracefully. Here is the entire blog entry -- a lot of which has already been covered by the wise gentlemen of the forum:

 

********************************************************************************************************************************************

 

You and/or he have really tried to make it work but you’re just not compatible, or whatever rules the two of you set down at the beginning about other guys and who’s washing the dishes keep getting broken. Or maybe you built the whole relationship on great sex and that great sex has gradually become as boring as repeats of his favorite sit-com. Or, worse, you’ve become his background noise or his yours. Yes, it’s time to Call It Quits. So what do you do to make the break as painless as possible?

 

Cardinal Rule Number One: Don’t wait too long.

 

Get out of a relationship before you’ve invested too much into it. And I don’t mean just emotionally. Once you’ve bought a fridge or a condo together, you’re married, and it takes a lot more to untangle the financial stuff than just collecting your Titan Studios DVD’s.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Two: Don’t let guilt get in the way.

 

You’re doing him a favor leaving him if he isn’t going to get from you, or you from him, what a relationship should offer two people. Whatever the hell that is.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Three: No scenes.

 

If there aren’t financial encumbrances, leave like a thief in the night. Better a note or e-mail than another protracted argument or teary session that goes nowhere.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Four: Be civil.

 

No turning up the heater on his fish tank, or keying his new Cooper, or threatening to circumcise him a second time. You’re two men. Take what’s yours, work out the rest, if you have to, get an attorney, and get out from under. And ditto with the lawyer if former lover boy pulls destructive behavior on you. Fist fights in the middle of Targets just aren’t smart. What, you wanna be 86’ed for life from Home Furnishings?

 

Cardinal Rule Number Five: Don’t put up with abuse.

 

If physical abuse or addiction on his part is in the picture, and you were too dense to see it before, or figured you could change him, get out before it’s too late. So go back and live with your mother in Omaha for awhile. That’s still better than ending up in traction or putting up all you have to bail him out of jail.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Six: Move on.

 

If you were The Rejected One, don’t get soppy or drown your self-pity in three dollar Long Island iced teas or some bad crack, or flood his cell phone message box with teary pleas. If you run into him in mutual circles, be cordial but keep walking.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Seven: Don’t bring up loves, present or past.

 

So some threesome turned into a twosome, only he or you were no longer in the picture? Or six months ago you caught him screwing around and you forgave him then, but now you want to replay the video tape, particularly if that “love with a proper stranger” is who he’s leaving you for. WHY? What’s the point, huh? If, at some point, you run into them at the supermarket check-out, say “hey” and grab the latest issue of “People” until the brain-dead cashier gets to your Puppy Chow. Running suddenly to the health and beauty aisle for a box of Trojans to make some kind of statement is just being gauche.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Eight: Do what you like to do and who you’d like to do NOW.

 

Get right back into it – the gym, the beach. And some non-committal sex can be good for the soul.

 

Cardinal Rule Number Nine: Think before you leap. Again.

 

Examine what went wrong and why, so you can avoid those pitfalls the next time. Was it him, or was it you? Maybe you’re just not marrying material; you don’t like to compromise, you like fresh dick every week, you’re too clingy, or you attract guys who only take advantage of you. Better it not happen at all than go through the same bullshit all over again. Break-ups can be expensive when it comes to time, money and Prilosec.

 

And finally:

 

Cardinal Rule Number Ten: Don’t burn bridges.

 

Don’t tell him before you slam the door one last time how small his dick is or how bad a fuck he was. Who knows? In six months or six years the two of you may have changed or matured enough to be mutually re-interested, if even for a night. You want those accusations (even if they’re true) to get in the way of some renewed hot times?

[NYTomcat]

Bosguy. Remember neither of you planned this it's just the way life progressed. Ok but I am the attorney. Don't fight over material garbage. Its not worth it. But don't take and internalize to blame that a partner may pour on you. So keep things level and hope he will do the same. Treat him and yourself with respect. You both deserve it.

[Bosguy]

Bosguy. Remember neither of you planned this it's just the way life progressed. Ok but I am the attorney. Don't fight over material garbage. Its not worth it. But don't take and internalize to blame that a partner may pour on you. So keep things level and hope he will do the same. Treat him and yourself with respect. You both deserve it.

TC

Thanks for your usual insight and intelligence that continue to keep the standards of the Forum informative and caring about the many issues we all have as members.

 

I don't like generalizing, and I personally think that the majority of attorneys are great professionals and people. Mine has saved my ass on numerous occasions!!

 

Bill

[Guest Bauer]

I may add: Make sure he gets the house that you built together. Come out smelling like a rose.

 

And, don't make a single change to your will. It will all iron itself out eventually.

[instudiocity]

Only because it's funny to me....

 

Bauer sounds like Bosguy's soon-to-be-EX

[NYTomcat]

TC

Thanks for your usual insight and intelligence that continue to keep the standards of the Forum informative and caring about the many issues we all have as members.

 

I don't like generalizing, and I personally think that the majority of attorneys are great professionals and people. Mine has saved my ass on numerous occasions!!

 

Bill

 

Thanks bosguy. Its nice not everyone hates us attorneys. And thank you so much.

[Guest Bauer]

Bachelor pads are a dime-a-dozen.

[Bosguy]

Thanks to all of you for your support and suggestions. Because of this, my goal of going on with my life in a proper manner is moving forward in a constant and consistent manner. I try to keep focused on the new life I plan to enjoy fully and remembering the good times but being a positive realist about the future. Our home was put on the market yesterday and we are each working with realtors to find a new place ASAP.

 

I came across a marvelous quote last night which is so appropriate to this situation and so many other situations that we all endure.

 

"It's not the load that breaks you down, It's the way you carry it."

Lena Horne

[Bosguy]

Well, the moving trucks arrive this week and I can truly start my new life as me. Although the last 4 months have been trying and tiring, I was able to continue to move forward in a proper manner thanks to the wonderful advice and support of the members of the Forum.

 

I have made new friends and really been able to find myself in the midst of this turmoil because of you. I would be very remiss, however, not to applaud the above and beyond care and contact of the following people: Chitown, Leigh.bess.toad, Oliver, Romann, and Tyger--with a team like this. who could go wrong.

 

Thank you all for being you. This is what the Forum is all about.

 

Bill K.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Duchess, yore momma shore dint raise no fools.

Clearly, you haven't met my brother!