Dirty Old Gay Men

[foxy]

I've talked with friends of mine about living together in our old age. Pooling our incomes and buying a big house someplace really nice. Everybody would get rooms to themselves and would share the main rooms, kitchen etc. It would offer a support system and we would bring in new housemates as the older ones died off. We laugh about calling in go-go boys on Friday night. Sometimes I brush the whole thing off as silly but on the other hand the idea of a nursing home or "straight" retirement community seems awful. Those Friday night go-go boys are starting to make sense. If you're going to be an old man, why not be a "dirty" one. What do you think?

[+ deej]

Some friends of mine and I have joked about this as well. We all agree we want to grow old together, move into the old fags' home, and chase the cute (male, of course) orderlies in our wheelchairs.

[Guest msagget]

Your idea has always appealed to me as well. I watch reruns of "The Golden Girls" and tell myself that this could work for gay men as well. I think that the idea of a nursing home is very depressing and that if, as we get old, we could remain in our home, it would be so much better. With several incomes pooled together, a nurse, care giver, whatever could be hired to tend the ill. Visiting boys would also make it alot more enjoyable.:-)

[Guest Ant415]

My friends and I have joked bout it as well. Think how a mainstream old folk's home does not appeal to gay men. Old ladies talking about their grandkids, their families, etc.

 

If was all gay, the nurses could be all cute Philipino guys, smarter decor, gourmet meals, campy movie nights, and so on.

 

One problem would the independance most gay men would give up.

 

But a "Thong Thursday" for the RN staff could be fun.

[+ deej]

>But a "Thong Thursday" for the RN staff could be fun.

 

ROFL!

 

Or "Frisky Friday". }>

[OneFinger]

I've had the same thoughts about a gay home and have actually wondered if this is possible at my current residence. I'm currently not in a relationships and have a five bedroom house. The thought of having roommates scares the hell out of me but so does the idea of going to a nursing home.

 

On a more serious note, both my parents died of cancer and were able to stay in their home until they died. That required a lot of family support from my sister and myself as well as hospice nurses and aides.

 

Many gay men don't have children to provide that level of assistance. So, when I get that ill, what are my real options? Is it really feasible to have a couple of aging queens in a private residence? What about hiring a live-in aide or house boy? I'd be more than willing to leave the house to an attentive care-giver rather than my "shirt tail" relatives. But, I'm also concerned about how to find a good house boy that's honest and competent. Any suggestions?

[+ bigjoey]

actually in san francisco, there is a gay retirement center in the planning stages. go to http://WWW.SFRACH.ORG for the site of the rainbow adult community housing project. there are others i believe in florida, boston and palm springs in the works as well. the "boomer" generation will probabally be the first to have a large enough number of "out" men to make the projects practical. also, these men often have the financial resources to make it happen.

 

in senior housing the coming crush is not going to be pretty. for starters, there is going to be a huge shortage of workers for all senior facilities; unless the immigrant quotas go, i have no clue from where the workers will come. government regulations are impossible now and only getting worse; in a skilled nursing facility, nurses can spend 20% to 25% of their time on paperwork rather than hands-on care. medicare is a train wreck waiting to happen and will consume most of the budget shortly. washington is only making things worse.

 

what many of you are refering to already exists in places as "group homes" and they work well for the "well" elderly. however, once the members become frail or have cognitive impairments, this type of living does not work and assisted living or skilled nursing is required. such homes need to be specially designed to work well and a regular house does not work well.

 

personally, i would love to have a gay assisted living and/or nursing home available when i get to that age. i think i would definately feel more comfortable there than in a standard facility. the atmosphere would be different and i would feel more at home.

[foxy]

Reading these posts makes me realize that this is not such a crazy idea. I honestly think if some enterprising person could put together a pool of people, much like a dating service, but hopefully more successful, and match people up with similar incomes and interests. If people wanted to relocate they could put you in touch with people nation-wide. You interview the candidates. It would take a lot of work but if someone already had a background in real estate, and was used to dealing with gay clients, you might come up with a viable alternative to nursing homes. Maybe we should take care of "our own" and not be dependant on the health care system alone. Besides, we could have dancing boys!

[+ bigjoey]

the person to put it together is NOT a real estate person but someone in social services. for example, there will need to be a contract that has EXIT criteria to force someone out when the facility is no longer appropriate and they are a danger to themselves or others. if you are going to keep everyone until they die, then you will need to meet more government codes than you think are possible and what about staffing? regular food will not do; some will need low fat or no sugar or no salt and the ones suffering from dementia may need pureed food as they can not chew or swallow (some forget how to eat and need to be fed). building codes may require a sprinkler system. a group home could require extra parking. zoning is a problem as neighbors do not welcome group homes.

 

yes, it is a wonderful idea and has been done in some places. i am just trying to say it is much harder than thinking you are going to have a "fraternity house" with a group of gay guys and a staff of young, handsome men who will service all your needs. if anyone is really serious, contact the rainbow housing site i gave above and they can put you in contact with people who do this type of thing. good luck.

[+ bigjoey]

after posting the above, it occured to me that there are a number of group homes for men with aids. while not what the posters have in mind, their legal and social services experience could be useful.

[Samai139]

I've read the postings in response to the initial, tongue in cheek, question and thesis:

I'm nearly 62, at the cusp of retirement right now, and would be VERY interested in some kind of housing scheme/living arrangement for WELL, healthy gay men in my age bracket. Once my elderly mother is no longer alive, I have no ties to my present site. I don't own my own home, but do have assets which will allow me to live modestly well.

So if there is anyone out there compiling a list of possible "Gay Seniors" to share a community/house/ apartment complex, add me to your list, please!!

Buzz

[+ Charlie]

I am in a very similar situation: about to retire and ready to change my lifestyle and location. However, I'm not ready to live with a group of other gay men. (Imagine the fights over color schemes, menus, entertainment choices, etc!) I want to continue to live independently as long as possible, and then end my life in a manner of my choosing. What I really want to find is a small community in which I can live comfortably as an independent, elderly, openly gay man. Any suggestions?

[foxy]

When I wrote the original post I never really had in mind a group of people that would need serious medical attention, but rather a reasonably healthy group of "old" guys. My mother is 86 and has a number of friends into their 90's who are in amazing shape. Physical health aside, I think the biggest problem with old age is being alone. Especially with gay men who don't have children. Finding the right group of people to live with would not be easy but probably worth the effort. I think if people thought of it as a commune they might be willing to put aside petty things for the sake of security and companionship. Who cares what color the walls are painted if you can call out in the middle of the night knowing there is someone who will hear you and help if necessary. You'd be lucky if you got that in your average nursing home. Frankly I'd rather be dead then wind up in some cold- hearted institution with under-paid help.

As far as places to retire that are gay friendly with a lively old gay population, Palm Springs seems to have a lot going for it. Kind of hot during the summer, but a good time to travel to other places. Mexico has also seemed like it might be a good place to retire for financial reasons, plus a great climate and really nice people. I know there are whole communities of American retirees. Don't know how gay friendly it would be. Anybody have any first hand experience? Any other places you'd suggest?

[Guest TopUNowD1]

Mick - Dallas

 

Was just skimming thru the forum when I saw your post and it reminded me of something I'd read recently. Check this out...

 

Gay Senior Home Draws Criticism[/DIV]

 

(Excerpt):

SAN FRANCISCO — With its panoramic views of San Francisco and subsidized rent, the proposed Rainbow Adult Housing complex sounds like a place any senior citizen would want to live. However, only certain seniors are welcome.

 

"It's (for) bisexuals and transgendered, who by the way can be heterosexual people, but queer identified. It's gay and lesbian, and it's our friends and family that are accepting of us," said Jim Mitulski, executive director of the Rainbow community.

 

"That is discrimination and we are subsidizing discrimination," said Republican state Sen. Ray Haynes, who added that gay politicians in Sacramento are finding ways to funnel public dollars into projects that discriminate against straight people.

 

"If you want to run a business that caters to specific folks, I don't have a problem with that," Haynes said. "But don't come ask the taxpayers to pay for it."

 

[A HREF=http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,54803,00.html"target="_new]FOX NEWS - FULL STORY[/A]

 

 

 

--------------------------

It's just too bad that it has to be maligned by nuts like Sen. Ray Haynes. Any residents of California who wish to contact the Honorable Senator regarding his position in this matter please do so.

 

Capitol Office:

State Capitol, Room 2187

Sacramento, CA 95814

Phone: (916) 445-9781

Fax: (916) 447-9008

 

Riverside Office:

6800 Indiana Avenue, Suite 130

Riverside, CA 92506

Phone: (909) 782-4111

Fax: (909) 276-4483

 

mailto:[email protected]

[Guest Bitchboy]

I think it's great to just be able to think about growing old. Our brothers 20 years ago didn't have that luxury. Most of them are dead.

[Guest Jocoluver]

This is more and more on my mind. I retired 10 years ago, live alone quite comfortably on my pension. I own my home (lovely and just the right size) in a very nice quiet urban neighborhood. I am 70 y/o with no relatives. I have no major illnesses except "age".

 

I want to stay here until the end but worry how to do it when I can no longer write checks or go for groceries and carry out the trash.

 

I live in LA area. I once tried to contact LA Gay/Lesbian Community Services Center but they never responded.

 

I am procrastinating on dealing with this:(

[Guest bighugbearphx]

There is an excellent article on the concept of "gay and lesbian retirement communities" posted on gay.com at:

http://content.gay.com/channels/home/hero_seniors_991221.html

 

It talks about an operating retirement community in Florida (which it also links to) and the one affiliated with GLARP (Gay and Lesbian Association of Retired Persons) is the late planning stages in Palm Springs.

 

I'm a tax advisor with a mostly-gay clientele in Phoenix, which of course is known as a retirement area. Have lots of gay male clients in the usual Sun City-type private housing, and there is a mobile home community in Apache Junction AZ (just east of the Phoenix metro area) favored by older lesbians. I also see many variations of informal arrangements, ranging from two gay men in their 70's living together with a college student who acts as caretaker/houseboy (in exchange for room and board), to "group homes" such as the original poster suggested, to a gay-owned apartment complex that has one section made up primarily of older tenants who watch out for each other. There is also a local community service group of senior gays and lesbians, called AGES (Action in a Gay Environment for Seniors) which helps needy seniors in the community. The local Primetimers (older gay men) group also does a lot of informal assistance to each other when needed.

 

A lot of senior citizens without spouses or close-by family members end up in nursing homes simply because they can no longer live unassisted on their own. A good alternative, and a lot less expensive, is assisted living arrangements, which can be in a facility licensed for that purpose (there was a gay-operated one here in Phoenix, recently sold, although the residents were not gay or lesbian) or in an informal arrangement with a paid aide coming to the senior's home as needed.

 

Since neither medicare nor regular medical insurance covers such expenses, nor are they deductible as medical expenses (just actual medical are is, unless you are confined in a nursing home), this can get very expensive. One suggestion, which I make to all of my clients, is to obtain a long term care insurance policy as soon as possible (Even thought the odds of needing such coverage at 30 or 40 is very low, the premiums remain steady over the life of the loan, but skyrocket if you wait until retirement age to obtain it, so it is often cheaper in the long run to get the coverage when you are young.)

 

But be sure that the policy allows for coverage for assisted care that is NOT at a commercial assisted care facility, such as in-home care by aides or friends who can be paid by the insurance company. Some insurers might require the caregiver have certification, which likely isn't that much of a big deal (I have a client in his early 50's who retired with a work-related disability, and his slightly younger partner got certified as a nurse's aide so his insurance can pay for the care he would have provided anyway.)

[OneFinger]

What a great post with the type of info that really applies to me! Thanks for sharing.

 

I was really interested in your comments on long-term health care or assisted living insurance. I've still got 10+ years until retirement and hadn't really considered getting this type of policy now. However, I'm now going to start looking into it if premiums will become prohibative when I'm older. I definately would like to find one that will pay for assistance in my own home.

 

I also can confirm how easy it is to become a certified care giver. I have several friends who got their CNA's when they were volunteering for an AIDS organization. But, I didn't know that some policies would actually pay for their services.

[handyandy]

> What I

>really want to find is a small community in which I can live

>comfortably as an independent, elderly, openly gay man. Any

>suggestions?

 

One of the TV network news magazines (60 Minutes? Dateline?) within the last few weeks had a feature on a gay/lesbian retirement community in Florida (central part of the state, I think). You can usually recapture the story by going to the website for the program, at least for a while afterward. Or try contacting them and asking about it.

[Guest Ant415]

You should get some interesting applicants from your posting!!!

 

When taking on a houseboy I would not mention you will leave the house to him. Might make him less than genuine.

 

Why not take on a roommate now, perhaps someone that is not a boy, but instead a mid-career RN. Lots of Filipino guys come to the USA as fully certified RN's and might appreciate a deal on rent. If you have a level of trust he can oversea your healthcare as needed, and arrange for part time help as he works.

 

In any case you should make a living will, and hire on a professional for trustee. Don't leave your well being to someone who will benefit by your passing.

[Guest bighugbearphx]

>I was really interested in your comments on long-term health

>care or assisted living insurance.

 

To clarify, what you are looking for is a long term care policy (also called "nursing home insurance") that specifically pays benefits for assisted living situations in the policyholder's home. You may have to reject a couple of policies before you find one that does this.

 

By the way, the new issue (July 9) of The Advocate I received today coincidentally has an article dealing with the same topic of gay seniors. Adds the perspective of the irony that the very gay seniors who were partially responsible for developing the popular "gay mecca" communities (such as The Castro in San Francisco) can't afford to continue living there as they get older. In the case of that specific city, there is a new non-profit group called Rainbow Adult Community Housing that is looking into mixed-income housing units for LGBT seniors.

 

The article also seems to give a more updated perspective than the gay.com article, and mentions the Florida gay retirement community is the only one that made it past the planning stages. (I checked out the group that was planning the Palm Springs community, and it appears that their website hasn't been updated in a couple of years, so I'd assume their plans fell through.)

[Guest GuyNextDoor]

The "Tales of the City" series suggested gay retirement homes 25 years ago. Can't remember which volume. If our community is finally starting to get this idea off the ground, bravo!

[Will]

This thread is a great "welcome home." I've been in Europe for the past 2-1/2 weeks at got in just about an hour ago. Although I'm a little addle-brained at the moment, when I've got my marbles back I'm going to read these posts more closely.

 

In late May Ted Koppel devoted a whole week of NIGHTLINE to gays and lesbians living in America. Although his focus was on Roanoke, Virginia, the first segment was shot in a new retirement community for gay/lesbian people in Bradenton, Florida. The next morning, I looked it up on the web, and discovered that the site is a little primitive; but they promise to update it soon.

 

Like a lot of guys who've posted here, I'm within a few years of retirement and would like to live in a genuine community (with emphasis on community) of gay men. So I'd be seriously interested in discussing this whole issue at greater length. Maybe even M4M isn't the right place. But, thanks to Hooboy, it's certainly a great start.

 

The URL for the retirement community in Bradenton, FL is:

 

http://www.palmsofmanasota.com/

[Guest Kalifornia]

>The URL for the retirement community in Bradenton, FL is:

>

>http://www.palmsofmanasota.com/

 

I too found this thread relevant and decided to begin posting after a 4 months of lurking.

 

The retirement home noted above (see link) is an interesting concept though not for me. I would rather get together with 2 or 3 other guys, rent/buy a nice home in a nice area (hopefully here in California) and enjoy my senior years on my own terms. I can do without the restrictions that many alternative living programs will have.

 

My question is, when in life and how does one begin planning this sort of retirement?

 

 

Mark -Kalifornia