How Succesful Are Gay Relationships?

[+ Lucky]

As you might imagine, gay relationships are not the most studied thing in the world. In the 80's it was said that the average relationship lasted two years. Yet a study from New Zealand more recently found an average of 4.2 years. In those relationships, over 50% of the men had sex outside the relationship.

Men over 35 tended to have longer relationships than did younger men.

How safe were the partners? You can read that here:

 

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/11946696/Men-in-Relationships-with-Men-%28PDF%29

 

[josephga]

Iv known 2 that lasted past those figures. one couple lasted 13 years in a closed relationship the other couple recently broke up after 8 1/2 years together in a closed relationship.

[Guest DuchessIvanaKizznhugg]

Just wondering....

 

Lucky, congratulations on your 27 years together. That is an accomplishment that few achieve.

 

But I have to ask....are you suggesting that "success" is equated with longevity?

[+ Charlie]

I have known many couples who were together 20+ years. My partner and I have lived together 41 years. Most of those relationships have not been monogamous. (I consider monogamy a perversion, or at best a failure of imagination.)

[Guest greatness]

oh my

 

Happy Anniversary! What is your secret for a successful relationship? Please tell tell... I think you are very thoughtful and understanding. Most of all you communicate well. I like that aspect of you, really, even though I haven't met you...

 

As you might imagine, gay relationships are not the most studied thing in the world. In the 80's it was said that the average relationship lasted two years. Yet a study from New Zealand more recently found an average of 4.2 years. In those relationships, over 50% of the men had sex outside the relationship.

Men over 35 tended to have longer relationships than did younger men.

How safe were the partners? You can read that here:

 

http://www.docstoc.com/docs/11946696/Men-in-Relationships-with-Men-%28PDF%29

 

(For the record, I will be with my partner 27 years next month.)

[JoeyBryant]

Im going to try and not get too deep here, but I like talking about this stuff!

 

I just think gay relationships (with guys my age atleast) would be more enjoyable and last if we just paced things instead of trying to have it all in 2 or 3 dates. Alot of guys I've dated leave no mystery, and dont expect me to either. And when I do, they get impatient and make it seem like Im neglecting them. Its like, "do I have to be at your beck and call? Do we have to mess around so soon?"

 

I've seen my close friends just wreck otherwise descent relationships by either moving in after a month, or by seeing each other everyday. If in the span of a month a guy gets everything married people get, what incentive is there to develop a relationship? They get everything they wanted sooner than they should have, get bored and move on to someone else! Yet so many of us dont understand that concept which is why many dont last. Women tend to to want to slow things down, but men...they want it all right then and there!

[seaboy4hire]

Lucky congrats on 27 yrs & I hooe you have 100 times that in your relationship! Boobers & I are at 11 yrs. No relationship is easy buut with love, communication, understanding & some time alone I feel it can last but it takes work. I don't think at the core gay relationships are any diff then straight ones. We all face the same issues these days be it money jobs or whatever.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[Guest greatness]

oh

 

Congrats for your long lasting relationship. I think your caring heart plays a lot in your relationship. You are just so sweet.

 

Lucky congrats on 27 yrs & I hooe you have 100 times that in your relationship! Boobers & I are at 11 yrs. No relationship is easy buut with love, communication, understanding & some time alone I feel it can last but it takes work. I don't think at the core gay relationships are any diff then straight ones. We all face the same issues these days be it money jobs or whatever.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[Zapped]

Congrats Lucky and Greg.

 

I'm wondering how successful (or long-lasting) heterosexual relationships are. It would be interesting see those stats.

 

And Joey, very insightful post. Thanks. And while I don't necessarily agree with Charlie's assessment of monogamy as symptomatic of an underlying disorder, I have seen the ideal of monogamy ruin otherwise perfectly fine relationships when reality intrudes. Or, as has happened to me, when one partner thinks he or she is OK with non-monogamy but discovers that's not the case when it actually occurs.

 

Hmm . . . how did I end up in two relationships where this happened to me? I guess because in both cases my spouse or partner said they were OK with me being non-monogamous but weren't interested in having sex with others themselves, and also realized that our sex life together wasn't fulfilling me. Which is why I know that when I have another partner, he and I will need to be on the same wavelength on this for sure.

[+ purplekow]

If a relationship is not going to be monogamous, both parties should be willing to go out partying. Whether you have a "DADT" policy or not, if one partner says, I am not interested in others, there is likely going to be a problem. I am sure there are relationships that work in which one is actively out there and the other is not, but a lack of interest in being out there suggests to me too big a gap in sexual mentality to allow for a happy and easy going relationship. Expressing that lack of interest also places both partners on unequal footing, never a relationship strengthener.

[+ Lucky]

Thanks for the congratulations above. To answer pk's question; yes, I guess I am equating success with longevity. That's not to say that you can't have meaningful relationships that don't last a long time. But the durability of the relationship seems to be the best test for success.

 

And, in answer to any question on the secret of success, you have to want to be together and be willing to work at it. Relationships go through many different stages.

 

For me, fidelity has always trumped monogamy because I don't think men are biologically programmed to be monogamous.

[+ Charlie]

I've seen my close friends just wreck otherwise descent relationships by either moving in after a month, or by seeing each other everyday.

 

Although I think you have a good point about some relationships, I think it depends on the individuals. My partner and I signed a lease on our first apartment two weeks after we met; that was three apartments and four houses ago.

[+ Charlie]

I think Lucky is right: people confuse monogamy with fidelity. The latter is much more important than the former for a successful relationship.

[+ purplekow]

I was not the one asking about longevity, that was DIK but we do look a lot a like.

I agree sex is just sex but it raises many issues in a relationship. While there are lots of people together for a long time in loveless marriages, I don't think many gay relationships stay together much after even the illusion of love is gone.

[+ Lucky]

My apologies to the Duchess.

[JoeyBryant]

My partner and I signed a lease on our first apartment two weeks after we met; that was three apartments and four houses ago.

 

Well there you go, there's an exception to every rule lol. However many people I've come across who did something similar didnt end up that way. If they did I would hope they really knew each other

[+ Lucky]

If you knew Charlie's partner, it would be easy to see how love struck immediately and without doubt. In my case, we didn't cohabit until after 11 months had passed.

[+ Oliver]

Not just gay relationships

 

I am intrigued with this discussion. I think, perhaps, the ideas expressed can apply to hetero relationships as well. Or at least to mine. One of the secrets of success as Lucky stated – “… you have to want to be together and be willing to work at it. Relationships go through many different stages…” is absolutely true. And was as far as my wife and me. We worked very hard at it. And were “successful” for the most part for 42 years.

 

Now to the part with which I need help. Lucky says, “… For me, fidelity has always trumped monogamy because I don't think men are biologically programmed to be monogamous.” (emphasis added) Charlie says, “… I think Lucky is right: people confuse monogamy with fidelity. The latter is much more important than the former for a successful relationship.” (emphasis added again). When you speak of monogamy, are you speaking of the physical/sexual aspect only? Whereas fidelity would seem to encompass the mental relationship and being faithful in that respect. Help! – is that what you mean? If so, I agree with both of you, and helps me to understand me.

 

At a time in the recent past (after my wife’s death), I would have been envious of both of you for having the relationships you do. However, it has been suggested to me that I have had what you have (with my wife), and that if a like relationship doesn’t now come along (at my age?), I haven’t really missed anything. So very true! And life is beautiful! So many men:p – and who knows how much time!

[+ Charlie]

Yes, to your question on fidelity, and I agree with your feeling about your relationship with your wife, who I suspect would be happy to know that your life has not been empty of pleasure since her death, even if it hasn't taken quite the form she might have expected.

[Guest zipperzone]

If a relationship is not going to be monogamous, both parties should be willing to go out partying. Whether you have a "DADT" policy or not, if one partner says, I am not interested in others, there is likely going to be a problem. I am sure there are relationships that work in which one is actively out there and the other is not, but a lack of interest in being out there suggests to me too big a gap in sexual mentality to allow for a happy and easy going relationship. Expressing that lack of interest also places both partners on unequal footing, never a relationship strengthener.

 

I think the relationships where one partner is "out and about" and the other is not, although he is OK with his partner's meanderings, can put a strain on the partnership. It is probably most successful where there is a considerable age difference between the partners with the older one being monogamous while realizing his younger partner's need for diversity.

[Guest zipperzone]

I usually don't like to talk publically about my own relationship but in light of this thread I would like to report that my partner & I will have been together 31 years this coming April.

Bumps on the road? You bet - quite a few, but never in the area of "straying".

[btmstudnyc]

4 Seasons

 

I actually have been telling everybody about the 4 Season's rule. Not sure it existed before, I came about it on my own thinking (scary)

 

The rule is, No marriage, or cohabitation until you go through the 4 season's. Winter, Spring, Summer, and Fall. By then you know how they like to spend the holidays, if they are fun to travel with, do they show up when you get sick, how they handle stresses at work, what they are like with your friends, do they like to go out, almost all of it. I've found that each person has one season that they are not their best, but if you can handle them then....you can handle them anytime.

 

Kinda like the RENT song....Seasons of Love.

525,600 minutes how do you measure a season of love?

OK, sappy I know, but Ive had two guys I went out with that failed 2 seasons....so they were out the door....

 

JIM

[+ sf westcoaster]

Oliver, you life (story) is almost identical to mine and I agree totally with what you have said. A sucessful long term relationship is a reward in itself.

[Guest greatness]

Congrats

 

Wow Congrats Zipperzone... Wow 31 years... That is a very long time...

 

I usually don't like to talk publically about my own relationship but in light of this thread I would like to report that my partner & I will have been together 31 years this coming April.

Bumps on the road? You bet - quite a few, but never in the area of "straying".