Partners: Who wants 'em and who needs 'em?

[phage]

I’m sick of my well meaning family and friends making me feel inadequate because I have absolutely no nesting instinct whatsoever and am quite happy being single. Perhaps I AM getting old and set in my ways (as one of my oldest and happily coupled friends gently pointed out) but I simply cannot imagine someone – anyone – being around ALL THE TIME.

 

I would love to casually date someone. See them a couple times a week…dinner and a movie or a little dancing and drinking…a weekend in Vegas or San Francisco…sex repeated often enough to actually KNOW what they like. However, that doesn’t seem to be enough anymore. (Maybe it never was and I was just young and clueless.)

 

It could be just the forty something world that I live and date in, but it’s as if everyone’s biological clock is ringing like Big Ben and they are in full-time partner search mode. When we get to know each other well enough to discuss this topic, as often as not, I get this breeder like response that boils down to “why have you been wasting my time if you don’t want to get married?” (I come from a Mormon family. I KNOW about dating as a purposeful means to an end.)

 

I’m hoping that I’m not the hopeless misanthrope that these serial monogamists would have me believe, so I’d love to hear that I’m not alone. Who else is single and content to stay that way? Are you feeling the same pressure to find a good man and visit Vermont as I am?

[Guest WetDream]

You aren't alone at all. Many of us seem to be born without the couple gene (I include myself in this group). It took me a very long time to stop beating up on myself for this behavior. I finally realized that I really didn't want a moderate- or long-time partner. I am very thankful to the escorts whom I continue to see; they never try to institute a romance. More power to them.

[Guest IM_Moore]

I do not experience any pressure to have a partner frm the others ... only myself. Everytime I meet someone that I feel might be "right" to settled down with I can hardly handle spending 48 hours with him. So I am slowly giving into the idea that I am "made to be single" that I like time to myself, not having to be concerned 24/7 about someone else, and am definately set in my ways. I do feel lonely more often than others (I think compared to couples) yet I guess it's a trade off for my personal freedom. The biggest void I do have is I hardly do things ... like dinner, going to the movies, a football game or whatever. That is an area I would like to work on and meet friends to share life with. With all that said I'm happier as I begin to accept that I will be single my entire life.

[Guest swiftone]

I too am single and content to live that way. I have long since given up hoping to find someone to "fall in love" with and settle down. I do envy those guys who have found a partner, but I am too set in my ways and a little selfish about my freedom and space. And I am convinced that no one could or would put up with me for long. Before I came out to my parents they were constantly harping on about finding a nice girl to settle down with and give them grand children. Now it is my niece who plays match maker, inviting her gay male friends to meet dear old uncle in the hope we will hit it off and I won't have to be alone any more. But I like my life the way it is, simple and uncomplicated, yes at times I too get lonely and would like to have friends to do things with, movies, theater, dinners and vacations. Because of work I have not given enough time to developing friendships, now that I am getting older that is something I regret. But on the whole I am happy with my life the way it is, and wouldn't want to change it. I love family and friends to come and visit for a while, but I'm always glad when it is time for them to leave, so I guess I too am one of those people destined to live the single life.

[BuckyXTC]

Phage:

 

There's so much I can identify with in your post. As I move inexorably closer to the big 50, I find I can be quited happy and contented as a single guy, with lots of freedom to follow whatever path presents itself to me, without the encumbrances of every decision becming subject to the approval of someone else. Don't get me wrong, I cherish my friendships deeply. The people I count as true friends are in so many ways, the primary source of meaning in my life. But I don't need to have them physically present with me at all times. I enjoy the quiet, private moments where I can reflect and ponder and just savor the present moment. I'm increasingly comfortable within my own skin. It hasn't always been that way. I don't feel unfulfilled because I don't have a live-in partner. I do have people in my life who are so signficant that I would miss them very much if they were gone. But my own sense of worth is not dependent upon what someone else thinks of me, any more than their worth is dependent on what I think of them. Recently I came upon a quotation that really spoke to me: "What you think of me is none of my business." Stop and think how often we worry about what others think of us, or think we ought to be doing with our lives to meet their expectations. I work real hard not to fall into that trap. So can you be fulfilled without a life partner? Speaking only for myself, I'd answer in the affirmative. Can you get by without friends? Not in my book.

 

Bucky

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

The Irony of Life

 

This thread prompts me to reflect a little on the irony of life. I spent 23 years in a committed relationship where I felt alone most of the time – and I was content more or less. Now having spent five years on my own wanting to avoid the entanglements of any LTR, I’ve met someone who captivates me just by the simple joys of conversation or sharing a laugh. It seems for now that I’d never grow weary of his company, this based on a year’s experience, more or less. Under the right circumstances I’d jump on this as a LTR in a flash... but the circumstances are far from right, on several counts. Life does have it’s irony.

[Guest happyguy]

Phage:

 

I completely identified with your reflections on partners. It seems to me that when I was in my idealistic twenties, I dreamed of meeting and falling in love with some perfect guy. My thirties taught me that such a meeting was, simply, not in the cards! Having just entered my forties, I am now quite happy being single. I love the thrill of meeting an attractive guy: a great mind, wonderful personality and lots of interests in life, all bound up in an attractive package - that wasn't necessarily produced by hours in some gym! And then .... when the big moment actually happnes, it is wonderful ... but I am so happy when it ends and I get on with aspects of my own life which no one else could appreciate, like my job, my hobbies, etc. Sometimes, I even avoid a long trip with some of them ... sounds selfish ... it is!

If there are lots more of us out there, we should consider forming some sort of "self-help group" ... not to cure us, but to help us deal with, as you so aptly put it, our well-meaning families and friends". Thanks for your encouraging post.

[Guest Kevin 2]

What an excellent thread! I'm still in the closet so being in a relationship probably isn't going to happen any time soon :-( I'm 30 years old and my first experience with a guy was about a year ago. I know I'm set in my ways already having lived alone since I was 17. I like the idea of having a relationship, I just don't know if I'm ready to try it just yet. What I would like the most is someone to travel with. Travel is my favorite hobby and unfortunately my friends either don't care to travel or can't afford to do so.

[OneFinger]

WOW, there are others out there like me!!!

 

Been there and done that with relationships. But, in my case, things go sour when they start moving in and invading my space. I have found that I'm a very private person and do much better when I live alone.

 

Can also identify with the problems of doing dinner, theatre, social events, etc. while alone. But, I have one non-sexual friend who has been in a committed relationship for over 25 years. His partner (John) has no interest in going to plays, concerts, and similar events. John doesn't mind at all that his partner and I do those things together. He knows things won't go beyond the social event for his partner and myself. John actually appreciates having the pressure taken off him to go places he really doesn't enjoy.

 

I really prefer using escorts for my sexual needs without having to deal with a committed relationship. :9

[Will]

This topic is so rich that I hardly know where to begin. But one thing comes to mind right away.

 

Yesterday I bought a copy of David Leddick's "Male Nude Now: New Visions for the 21st Century." It's a serious-minded anthology of recent works by well over twenty contemporary artists, most of them gay men. Each artist is represented by two works, plus a portrait and a short biography.

 

What is striking about the biographies is the fact that, in almost every case, the "marital" status of the artist is noted, along with the name of his partner. It reminded me of the kind of write-ups that candidates for city councils like: "So-and-so lives in such-and-such suburb with his wife and their two daughters." Sometimes it continues by listing the pets, the pets' names, and even the brand of mini-van the family drives. All the proper symbols of relentlessly middle-class values.

 

I knew that "gay culture" (translate: white, educated, professional, urban, and under sixty) was becoming breederish and bourgeois, but not until yesterday did I realize that a gay man's coupled status is now part of his biography. And I would venture the guess that it's there because being coupled is a new status-symbol in the age of HIV and guppiedom.

 

All this seems oddly discordant with the other face of "gay culture," which is proudly, even triumphantly, hedonistic and iconoclastic, youth-loving and youth-tenacious, narcissistic and self-indulgent, profoundly distrustful of the kinds of values, especially religious, that seem to undergird the stable heterosexual marriages with which I am most familiar.

 

I have many other thoughts regarding this thread, but this particular conundrum has been on my mind. When did it become chic to be coupled?

[Guest TruthTeller]

>I'm still in the closet so being

>in a relationship probably isn't going to happen any time

>soon

 

Look at all you're missing out on by being in the closet! And for what? Life is VERY short - it's criminal to deprive yourself of the most important things in life all because of fear of the IRRELEVANT thoughts of others.

 

>What I would like the most is someone to travel

>with. Travel is my favorite hobby and unfortunately my

>friends either don't care to travel or can't afford to do

>so.

 

The freedom you get from liberating yourself from your closet makes EVERY aspect of your life infinitely better. It creates more possibilities for you, makes you more attractive, makes you FREE. When you do that, you can have anything. There is no justification for staying in bondage.

[Guest omnicoax]

No you are not alone :-)

 

And what i hate most ? When my mother wants to make her a baby so she can be a grandmother (she doesn't know). I am single and i want to keep it that way. But have in mind that I am 30 years old now and that may change in the future.

[Guest Gentle Dude]

>What I would like the most is someone to travel

>with. Travel is my favorite hobby and unfortunately my

>friends either don't care to travel or can't afford to do

>so.

 

I love to travel as well. Maybe, we can start a travel group.

 

GD

[BewareofNick]

Phage,

 

No one can make you feel anything that you don't choose to feel. Why must anyone feel that they have to adhere to heterosexual dichotomies? There are three questions you need to ask yourself:

 

What do you want?

Why do you choose to feel this way when confronted with the subject of a partner?

Are you happy?

 

If you're happy, screw what other people think.

[mmk]

I would not say wanting someone or others wanting you to have someone falls under "heterosexual dichotomies", I just think that people do not realize that when you do grow up gay that even though you might have alot of friends and family around you and even if you have a girlfriend (which I never did), you are, in a sense, alone in a crowd.

 

I think that it is a societal dichotomy (both gay and straight) that leads people to believe that they have to be in a ralationship in order to be happy. Imagine if all of the people in unhappy relationships all of the sudden broke up tomorrow because they realized that this was not emotionally or psychologically beneficial to them. The amount of well balanced people would increase a thousand times over.

 

I truly believe that a person cannot be truly happy and have a successful relationship until they are truly happy with themselves. Some people come into that when they are in their twenties, but I feel the majority of people do not hit that until they reach their mid thirties or older. If you are quite happy being by yourself, more power to you. Do not let anyone try to dictate how your life should be lived. (But I do want to tell you from personnal experience, you know when you absolutely least expect it, that is when you will end up meeting someone, which will turn out to be a very good thing.)

[Bilbo]

Several of the posters on this thread have said that they cannot imagine anyone being around all of the time, invading their space. Which brings up immediately my relationship, which I notice seems to be part of yet another trend. And that is gay male couples who do not live together. I still occaisionally have a bit of trouble with this, as I would like to have my partner around more, but we are actually quite happy living seperately. And I can think of at least two other gay couples in the same situation. And at least one straight one - novelist Robert B. Parker, and his wife (who is also well known for something, but I forget who she is) live in a very nice house, thank you very much, but it is one which is basically a duplex, giving them the space away from each other which some of us seem to need while still easily together whenever they choose to be. And my Roo and I feel that we would love a house with a garage apartment for him and his dog. So, would that kind of an arrangement work a lover into your lives?

 

(Thank you Konga for what is probably the best, Pooh Bear description of me of all of my ratings!)

[Guest Kevin 2]

After TT's insulting me in the ratings section (I'm a void,nothing,etc..LOL) He actually has taken the time to point out the positive aspects of being OUT. BTW I do realize that life will change for me when I decide to come out. It's just a matter of time and as a close friend told me only you know when you are ready for that step. ;-) Living in a small city in the south and being the only son to carry on the family name doesn't help either. You guys that live in NYC,SF, and other more open minded city are fortunate. Yes, there are obviously many gay guys that live where I do hoewever even the OPEN AND OUT there ones even admit to not being out at work because its just not as accepted YET around here.

[Guest allansmith63]

My relationship with my partner exists because we are two independent people who believe that their is a symbiotic quality to our being together. As a couple, the things we believe we can accomplish are greater than those we can each do on our own.

 

And the emotional aspect we draw from each other is beyond compare. This morning, when I was dressed in grubby work clothes, gyproc mud to my elbows, my man dropped by, in in the course of our talking, just looked at me and said "thank-you". I looked at him puzzled, and he said to me "I'm just saying thank you to you for being you."

 

He loves me as I am, and that's why I'm in a relationship.

 

Allan

[Guest Kevin 2]

I love to travel as well. Maybe, we can start a travel group.

 

GD

 

Excellent idea however I can't imagine many of us agreeing on a place to go. Everyone has different taste but hey you never know. I have tried meeting a guy over the net and us travel together. After meeting each other in person (he only lived about 120 miles from me) while trying to plan on where to go we both knew it wasn't going to work out as hoped.

[Guest]

It's kind of wierd. I have such incredibly wonderful times with escorts that it really discourages me from relationships. I have friends I can do things with (hike, ski, travel, etc.), so I don't really need a partner for that. If I had a boyfriend, he would have to be quite handsome or I would just go crazy missing my escort experiences. It makes it kind of tough. I mean, he'd have to be handsome, honest, and so forth. So I figure I've got a pretty good life. Good friends. Lots of freedom. A wonderful sex life. And I think we all have to be realistic. I realize I'm probably never going to have a knockout beauty boyfriend who's honest, kind, intelligent, and so forth. Few people do (of course, I've known a few, and I'm jealous--although I never know what goes on behind closed doors). I realize I have it pretty good, and that's OK. No one has a perfect life. I can't complain about mine.

[+ Charlie]

I have not lived alone since 1965; my best friend (we had been best friends since we came out together in our teens) lived alone his whole adult life (he died in his 50s). We both were happy with our own lifestyles, and would have been uncomfortable with the other's. If you don't want to be in a relationship, don't let anyone else convince you that there is something wrong with your values. Each of us needs to find what works for us as gay individuals.

[Traveller]

I like having a hot stud BF who gives me wild sex and makes me laugh and doesn't bitch and moan too much (amazing, as he's Israeli), as well as as many escorts and freebies as I can get on the side without him finding out and taking me out with an Uzi. But, hey, I'm a giving kinda guy.

 

Later.

 

PS. SeaGuy, you were right. I've finally broken the code on the BF's computer (they're always in constant contact with one another)and it turns out that Mossad was involved in the WTC disaster. However, the Israelis only took out Tower 1. The Trilateral Commission (which, of course, is controlled by the Queen - although there's no need to tell that to you) was responsible for Tower 2. The most fantastic revelation was that Brandy and Whitney Houston can claim credit for the Pentagon. Who knew. Amazing shit.

[Guest CraigSF39]

>I like having a hot stud BF who gives me wild sex and makes

>me laugh and doesn't bitch and moan too much (amazing, as

>he's Israeli),

 

Forgive me for asking, but i'm fascinated by cross-cultural couples. Do you 2 have a tree with Christmas and Hunnukka (sp?) decorations? How do you handle holidayes? Have you been to the Holy Land to see his family? Does he wear one of those beanies on his head when you sleep?

 

I think jewish people are very interesting. Your bf sounds nice. :7

 

>PS. SeaGuy, you were right. I've finally broken the code

>on the BF's computer (they're always in constant contact

>with one another)and it turns out that Mossad was involved

>in the WTC disaster.

 

What do you mean by this? I hope your joking. :-(

[phage]

Ouch! Dude, it’s very cool to be curious, but “beanies”? Just FYI, it’s a yarmulke and the holiday is Hanukkah. :-)

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

>

>What do you mean by this? I hope your joking. :-(

 

Traveller never jokes... well, almost never. He is one of the more straight-laced (hmmm... for lack of a better term ,,, and probably handcuffs too) posters around here. He only speaks the gods' truth and gets it directly from them. That's why his posts are so unique.

 

;-)