Sex after escorts

[Boston Guy]

Hey guys -

 

As those of you who have been around here for a while know, I travel a great deal and tend to hire escorts as a way to deal with the boredom of 'yet another hotel room.' When I hire an escort, I'm not looking for a relationship and I'm not looking for a new friend. Instead, I'm simply seeking an hour or two of hot fun with a guy who turns me on.

 

The typical guy I might hire would be somewhere around 22, 6'0, 180, blond, buff, fun, funny and someone who doesn't take sex or himself too seriously. I'm not a size queen -- in fact, nine inches is at least one too many in my book.

 

When I do hire, which is often (sometimes more than half a dozen times in a month), it's usually for an hour or two. I like hiring the same guys over and over because it's like going to McDonald's: you know exactly what you're going to get and you know you're going to be happy with the meal (as long as your expectations are set correctly).

 

I will admit, however, that I do sometimes like very much the excitement of meeting a new guy and I never seem to have any trouble meeting new guys when I want to. And, oddly enough, although I definitely do not go into this looking for any kind of friendship or relationship, I've ended up being quite friendly with many of the guys I've hired, and have maintained that friendship with some after they stopped escorting. So go figure.

 

All of that is just to set the scene. Recently, I've started to realize that I think I'm entering a new phase. I definitely still enjoy getting together with the escorts I know, but it's not quite as much fun or quite as exciting as it used to be and I'm seriously wondering if all the fun I've been having with escorts has been helping to keep me out of a 'real' relationship by lowering my need for sex and the kind of intimacy and companionship that boyfriends and lovers provide and friends can't.

 

I certainly don't have any moral or ethical issues with hiring escorts. But it kind of feels to me like I might be getting to a point where I want to have a boyfriend again. And I'm wondering if hiring escorts, even a long way from home, might not be harmful to that effort.

 

Have any of you experienced this feeling? If so, what did you do? Do you guys see hiring escorts as a possible substitute for or even harmful to having a relationship? If you're not in a relationship, do you want or expect to be in one in the future? And, if so, does hiring escorts affect that? Or do you expect that escorts will provide most of your remaining sexual experiences?

 

Thanks.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

BG

 

I certainly don't have any moral or ethical issues with hiring escorts. But it kind of feels to me like I might be getting to a point where I want to have a boyfriend again. And I'm wondering if hiring escorts, even a long way from home, might not be harmful to that effort.

 

Are you confusing emotional needs with physical sexual needs?? I ask because, while not universal, it seems that a great many gay 'committed' relationships seem to find a way to accommodate frivilous third party liasons, with or without the knowledge of both committed parties. One intrepretation of this behavior is that in some there is a distinction between the emotional/physical relationship and the pure physical relationship and that the need for both can coexist without conflict. Another interpretation is that the 'committed' relationship is committed for one or both parties until something better comes along. The first interpretation may or may not be relevant to your question as to whether it applies to you, I don't believe it applies to everyone.

 

It is my inclination to say that hiring escorts for the reasons you state is not an interference with your search for an emotional relationship -- now if you were a charmer I wouldn't be so sure.

 

Have any of you experienced this feeling?

 

No.

 

Do you guys see hiring escorts as a possible substitute for or even harmful to having a relationship?

 

Hiring certainly is a possible substitute for a relationship in some instances. Depends on the individual and his motive for hiring. I suspect that some hire because they have trouble finding or maintaining relationships, not the other way around. But to say that these people would be happier by not hiring because the relationhsip would follow then ignores the reason for hiring.

 

Is hiring harmful? Depends again on indivduals and motives. For many, I think hiring is a healthy outlet for needs not otherwise being met -- and those needs may have nothing to do with emotional relationships. As Will pointed out in another post our sexuality (and by extension our sexual needs) make us who we are... so, I think, does our emotional needs but they need not be tied together always.

 

If you're not in a relationship, do you want or expect to be in one in the future?

 

What I want?? who knows, I don't. Well, maybe I do know generally but it is not in the cards, as I see it... What I expect? No, I don't expect one.

 

Or do you expect that escorts will provide most of your remaining sexual experiences?

 

If I were a betting man this is where I'd place my bets.

[Will]

Second.

 

More later, after I've had time to think about it.

[sf traveler]

Well I have felt this way for some time and I think many clients, at least the more self-aware, do too. Using escorts has been a tremendous amount of fun for me, but I've used it too much as a quick fix way to spice up my life. I'm 50 now and I only the best escorts turn me on like the old days. I'm more interested in companionship and less in just gettin' it on. I can't help feeling that if I hadn't used escorts so much I might have met someone that I really could have had an important relationship with. Of course, that person would likely not have been buff and beautiful. More importantly though I think that using escorts exclusively for sex for almost my entire adult life, I've never really gotten over my own issues with my own appearance (normal but not handsome) and body (middle-aged and somewhat lumpy). You can call it gay self-hatred if you want, but I believe using escorts so exclusively has allowed me to avoid confronting other issues--like learning to be attracted to somebody who might also be attracted to me (perish the thought!) Of course, I'm met and become close friends with many lovely young men that I would never have met otherwise and I would give up the relationship I have with them for anything, but still something's been missing from my life and I know that being such a devoted client has something to do with it.

[ted]

>The typical guy I might hire

>would be somewhere around 22,

>6'0, 180, blond, buff, fun,

>funny and someone who doesn't

>take sex or himself too

>seriously. I'm not a

>size queen -- in fact,

>nine inches is at least

>one too many in my

>book.

 

We share the same taste in men

 

>When I do hire, which is

>often (sometimes more than half

>a dozen times in a

>month), it's usually for an

>hour or two. I

>like hiring the same guys

>over and over because it's

>like going to McDonald's:

>you know exactly what you're

>going to get and you

>know you're going to be

>happy with the meal (as

>long as your expectations are

>set correctly).

 

While not the same frequency, the same modus operandi

 

>I will admit, however, that I

>do sometimes like very much

>the excitement of meeting a

>new guy and I never

>seem to have any trouble

>meeting new guys when I

>want to. And, oddly

>enough, although I definitely do

>not go into this looking

>for any kind of friendship

>or relationship, I've ended up

>being quite friendly with many

>of the guys I've hired,

>and have maintained that friendship

>with some after they stopped

>escorting. So go figure.

>

Ditto

 

>All of that is just to

>set the scene. Recently,

>I've started to realize that

>I think I'm entering a

>new phase. I definitely

>still enjoy getting together with

>the escorts I know, but

>it's not quite as much

>fun or quite as exciting

>as it used to be

>and I'm seriously wondering if

>all the fun I've been

>having with escorts has been

>helping to keep me out

>of a 'real' relationship by

>lowering my need for sex

>and the kind of intimacy

>and companionship that boyfriends and

>lovers provide and friends can't.

>

>

>I certainly don't have any moral

>or ethical issues with hiring

>escorts. But it kind

>of feels to me like

>I might be getting to

>a point where I want

>to have a boyfriend again.

> And I'm wondering if

>hiring escorts, even a long

>way from home, might not

>be harmful to that effort.

>

>I'm begining to think the same thoughts

>Have any of you experienced this

>feeling? If so, what

>did you do? Do

>you guys see hiring escorts

>as a possible substitute for

>or even harmful to having

>a relationship? If you're

>not in a relationship, do

>you want or expect to

>be in one in the

>future? And, if so,

>does hiring escorts affect that?

> Or do you expect

>that escorts will provide most

>of your remaining sexual experiences?

>

>

>Thanks.

 

I haven't got any answers either, but its interesting that we are thinking so much alike. I really don't think its "harmful", but it may be taking the easy way out. I certainly am attracted right now to being in a relationship, whether it will happen is the big question

[Boston Guy]

TY,

 

Thanks for a thoughtful reply.

 

To try and say it more succinctly, hiring escorts has been fun and sometimes a blast. I've met a lot of neat guys. But if I hadn't been hiring escorts, I would have been going nuts for sex and intimacy and would have forced myself back into the dating scene and who knows where that would have led.

 

I'm pretty much convinced that anyone who wants a relationship with a good decent person can have one. That person might not have the perfect body, perfect job, perfect home, perfect income or perfect whatever. But finding a fun, decent, caring person to go through life with is something that's possible for all of us. (I think the thing that stands the most in the way of this for most of us is what is between our ears.)

 

Now I'm starting to think that the urgency I might have otherwise felt to bring sex and intimacy back into my life has been greatly lessened because of the experiences I've had with escorts.

 

I don't think I've ever really thought that I would never have a boyfriend again -- I would hate that thought. But the first step in getting back into the dating scene, which I haven't been much into for the last three years, is to simply go do it.

 

And as I contemplate that, I have to determine if hiring escorts is detrimental to that step and, if it is, if I should cut way back or stop altogether.

 

BG

[Boston Guy]

>but

>still something's been missing from

>my life and I know

>that being such a devoted

>client has something to do

>with it.

 

Exactly. I'm only a little younger than you and I've decided I need to confront this issue now, rather than in ten or fifteen years.

[Guest jackboy51]

You are asking some of the very same questions I have often asked myself, particularly after I've gone through a phase of hiring numerous escorts. I have to admit that I am often tempted to hire a man when I'm "feeling" lonely/horney, and instead of taking the chance of trying to go out and find a new mate, and getting shot down, I just want to let my fingers do the walking. Recently I hired one particular guy several times over the course of a few months, and while I was always astounded at his readiness and ability to provide me with great sexual satisfaction, I felt even more lonely when I advanced it to a new level and had him accompany me to an "event." I really do believe that by hiring as often as you do, that you are not giving yourself a chance to find the other person that you need in your life. Six times a month has to pretty much eliminate the sexual tension/edge that one needs to venture forth and explore. I keep thinking of all the time and money that you (I) are using, and wondering if you (I) were to spend at least that much time and money on just yourself (myself), if I wouldn't at least be able to correct a few things about yourself (myself) that would make you (me) more comfortable about going out to at least expose yourself (myself) to the opportunity of finding a new mate. I overcame my personal deamons about hiring escorts years ago, and have to admit that my fondest sexual fantasies often include some of those escorts, particularly the guys who really were great sexual athletes and had the bodies and looks that I know I could never find for myself in the real world. But, I also remember the time when I went a little crazy and almost matched your regular number of contacts, and though most of them were at least good, I can't help but remember more clearly the number of duds and downright unpleasant men that I encountered. I have taken a break from hiring escorts over the last few months, an easy thing to do since most of the ones in my general area are duds, and I do most of my traveling during the winter. I can't say that I've actually applied the time and money directly to myself, but I keep thinking that I will actually start doing more laps, more repetitions, etc., and now that the Fall season is begining and I'm starting to get invitations again, I'm resolved in buying that Hugo Boss jacket from Queer as Folk, and going solo!

[Guest Viewmaster]

You seem to be answering your own questions a bit as I read through this. My own intitial response was a question: If you were not hiring to have sex, would you be more motivated to find it through the dating scene? The answer to that question probably holds the answer, for you and many others. The release of a sexual encounter does a lot to diffuse the urgency one might otherwise feel.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

BG,

 

First let me say that you might well be on to something here... I don't claim to have the experience to 'know' the answers to your questions, but I have a perspective which I offer as much to test it as I do to provide alternatives to your viewpoint.

 

> But if I hadn't been hiring

>escorts, I would have been

>going nuts for sex and

>intimacy and would have forced

>myself back into the dating

>scene and who knows where

>that would have led.

>

So are you saying that your emotional needs are nowhere as strong as your sexual needs for motivating you to prowl the jungle in search of suitable prey? If so, I'm not sure I buy it, but granting the correctness of this premise for a moment, wouldn't your prowling have focused more on satisifying your physcial expectations/sexual needs which implies seeking out the sexiest guys according to your tastes (those in the spectrum that lie in the direction of your escort taste) and bypassing many emotionally suitable candidates that did not measure up to the initial filtering process. It seems, following this line, that the population is narrowed by the selection process with a resullting diminished prospect of success again. The issue with escorts revolves around the proposition that your chances of scoring a relationship in this population is very small -- because of their going-in attitude and possibly because of yours, yet your other selected population is also narrow for the similar reasons, though not as narrow, I'll grant. Of course we are an adpatable species and learn from our experiences. So eventually we adjust our population selection process until we succeed or we stray beyond our comfort boundaries and cease the search -- at least temporarily. Yes, who knows where it would have led... or how long it would take.

 

I take a different view of your implicit premise that our need for sexual gratification totally overtakes our need for emotional gratification. I don't feel this way, but maybe that is a function of age -- I am a few years your senior. To the contrary, sexual gratification without emotional gratification magnifies the issue of the missing emotional component -- a problem I recognized earlier this year and I'm learning to deal with.

 

I'll take this opporturnity once again to say I don't know much about this really, the premise may be false, the logic faulty, I'm just trying to test my perspective.

 

>I'm pretty much convinced that anyone

>who wants a relationship with

>a good decent person can

>have one. That person

>might not have the perfect

>body, perfect job, perfect home,

>perfect income or perfect whatever.

>

>.... (I think the

>thing that stands the most

>in the way of this

>for most of us is

>what is between our ears.)

>

I agree 100% -- your comment hits home here...

>

 

>... I

>have to determine if hiring

>escorts is detrimental to that

>step and, if it is,

>if I should cut way

>back or stop altogether.

 

It is an easy hypothesis to test... but it may test more that that.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Will,

 

Not fair thinking about it... no wonder your posts seem so well thought through!!

 

:-)

[Boston Guy]

:-)

[Boston Guy]

TY -

 

What you say is interesting. I don't normally think a lot in terms of separate sexual and emotional needs, but I guess we all are in that boat. I do definitely think in terms of short-term vs. long-term desires and escorts are a good quick fix for a dull evening in a city 3,000 miles from home.

 

But I'm now thinking that the result of so many short-term fixes is to dull somewhat my desire for -- or at least the urgency for -- a longer-term, more equal and honest, 'real' relationship. And I guess I'm a little concerned that I could easily wake up five or ten years from now in the same position that I'm in right now and I wouldn't like that.

 

Relationships are hard-work but are ultimately part of life is all about and, for me at least, accepting the idea that the rest of my life is going to full of only paid-for relationships would be pretty awful.

 

So I have to decide if there is room for both or if I need to go cold turkey on the escorts so my head will get screwed back on in terms of a dating mentality.

 

And, in terms of your oblique comments regarding yourself, I will reiterate my belief that anyone who wants to be in a relationship can find someone interesting and fun to be with. It may not last forever, but I think we all have lots of potential partners walking around.

 

Often we have things in our head that make us believe otherwise (poor body image, poor self-image, too much attention to work, etc.), but if you walk around and look at the people, straight and gay who are happily involved with others, you will find they come in every shape, color, size and age.

 

And, these days, even people in their 80's are entering new relationships with others their age. So even being in one's 60's and 70's (I know you're not) shouldn't prevent someone from seeking out -- and finding -- a partner.

[+ Charlie]

I think your comment about McDonald's is very revealing. In our consumer-oriented society, sex has become simply another item which we can purchase to satisfy our felt need. Unfortunately, like a Big Mac, it may satisfy our hunger somewhat, but it is only minimally nutritious. However sappy it may sound, we all need emotional fulfillment, and that cannot be purchased at a convenience store, 24/7. There is nothing wrong with hiring escorts or eating a quarter-pounder, but something inside you is telling you that you need more variety in your diet.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

BG,

 

But I'm now thinking that the result of so many short-term fixes is to dull somewhat my desire for -- or at least the urgency for -- a longer-term, more equal and honest, 'real' relationship.

 

I agree that it may have dulled your urgency of circulating in the open population, but I'm not sure it dulled your need/desire for a longer term relationship (LTR). It seems to me that if you really had wanted one you would have been motivated too look for it where you were most likely to find it -- as, it would seem, you are know motivated. There is a point that had you circulated more, you may have found someone too good (on whatever level) to let go by but those are accidents of fate and, it seems to me, rare, if one is not seeking an LTR.

 

And I guess I'm a little concerned that I could easily wake up five or ten years from now in the same position that I'm in right now and I wouldn't like that. Relationships are hard-work but are ultimately part of life is all about and, for me at least, accepting the idea that the rest of my life is going to full of only paid-for relationships would be pretty awful.

 

I understand you point and agree it is a dismal thought. Others reach that point 10 years earlier in life and still other 10 years later in life. I think that is a manifestation of what I mean by being ready for the LTR.

 

So I have to decide if there is room for both or if I need to go cold turkey on the escorts so my head will get screwed back on in terms of a dating mentality.

 

It's my guess that you knew the answer when you posed the question. I will point out that as much as you are on the road, your dating activities will be limited on your home turf and dating on the road that leads to an LTR brings serious issues to the fore, but I know you are aware of this.

 

And, in terms of your oblique comments regarding yourself, I will reiterate my belief that anyone who wants to be in a relationship can find someone interesting and fun to be with. It may not last forever, but I think we all have lots of potential partners walking around. Often we have things in our head that make us believe otherwise.

 

There is no doubt that you speak the truth. But we are a complex animal -- too complex for what I believe was intended to be a much simpler species. As for me. I'm coming to terms with missing 30 years of life that I should have been living and did not. At age 53, I've lived one life -- married, divorced, grown children, reached the pinnacle of my career as far as was I wish to achieve. But a 53 year old gay man I'm not... I have no legacy to stand on much less to build on. I'm feeling my way through an unfamiliar maze, attempting to acquire knowledge and experience, a maturation process if you will, needed for me to be comfortable as a 53 year old gay man. And frankly, I'm not ready to be that person yet. But there is the rub -- my expectations/desires do not comport with reality, and I am acutely aware of it. So while I may desire an LTR on one level, I'm not ready to embrace what is realistically achievable. As you said, the difficulty lies between our ears.

[Will]

Whether I'm able to achieve my goal of succinctness in replying to this thread, I can say that I settled on a post rather than an actual letter. The letter would be pages long and thus inappropriate for this site. In the end I decided to try (at least) to be brief and to be content with making points that I might not feel I've fully explained. So here goes, more or less in the order that the points appear in your initial post.

 

1. You tell us that you hire 6+ escorts a month for one-hour sessions, that they fall into the cute, blond, 22-year-old category, and that you hire them solely for sex. You are not looking to them, I think you said, for a relationship or friendship.

 

2. You say that you never have trouble meeting guys when you want to. Am I correct in assuming that by this you mean that you are easily able to find sexual partners whom you do not have to pay? And are they, too, blond, 22-year-old hunks?

 

3. You wonder whether hiring escorts might be "lowering my need for sex and the kind of intimacy and companionship that boyfriends and lovers provide" and therefore blunting your desire to seek a partner rather than a prostitute.

 

Reflecting on these three aspects of your post, a few questions occur to me, and a few observations. I offer them for what they're worth, which may not be much. I've tried to be very careful in what I say, because I strongly suspect that this issue is a bigger deal than your characteristically modest and off-hand style of putting things might lead us to suppose.

 

A few questions:

 

1. If you were to look for a partner, would you expect him to be 22, blond, and a hunk? I ask, because it's possible to keep one's escorts at exactly the same age, phenotype, and level of emotional maturity regardless of how many years the client racks up in the process. A partner, of course, may start out being 22 and a blond hunk -- with all the personality limitations that the wisdom and experience of 22 years imposes -- but within a year he will already have failed in at least one of those categories. Over time, he will likely fail in all of them.

 

2. If you were to find a bf or lover, wouldn't you still be spending lots of nights in strange hotel rooms? Wouldn't they be equally boring? What would you do with that extra hour you now invest in a roll in the hay?

 

3. If, as Charlie wisely observes, you find it easy to compare an escort with a Big Mac, do you really want to change your diet, which is what would be necessary if you found a bf or lover?

 

The last question leads me to my observations, which I base not only on what you've written here, but on all the many ways you've let us know you on this board.

 

1. There are people who seek sex without emotional involvement precisely because they want to avoid emotional intimacy. The sex in those cases isn't a substitute for intimacy; on the contrary, it's an attempt to deny the need or desire for intimacy.

 

2. The need for sex and the need for intimacy are two different things. The desire for sexual intimacy is another matter altogether, and is not coterminal with either "sex" or "intimacy." Charlie has already pointed this out.

 

3. Men of a certain age are wise to learn to eroticize other men in their own cohort. Among many other reasons, that is (a) because young men quickly become boring after the flush of eros has faded and what felt like a new adventure turns out to be a one-way nurturing situation; (b) because competent, successful middle-aged men easily fall into the trap of mistaking a younger man's need for a younger man's gift of himself; and © because a man whose erotic objects are limited to one age group and physical type is not likely ever to find a long-term relationship for the simple reason that the other man will grow out of the fantasy. Have you ever looked for an escort in his late thirties or early forties (they tend not to come longer in the tooth than that)?

 

4. My impression of you -- remembering how limited and disembodied it is -- is of a man who very much likes to feel in charge of a situation. You project self-esteem, self-confidence, reserve, and the assumption that, wisely deployed, your efforts are always going to work to your advantage. Furthermore, you seem to find it easier to give advice than to ask for it, and you are extremely cautious about revealing more of yourself than is absolutely necessary under the circumstances. (For instance, you don't tell us why it's only been in the past three years that you've been hiring escorts so frequently.) My mental image of you is also of an extremely intelligent man who uses his rational powers to keep his emotional energies well in hand, without denying them altogether. (I remember the thread you began recently about "Philadelphia.") You also strike me as someone who is compassionate, sensitive, and who perhaps finds himself more involved with other people, from time to time, than he'd like to be. That's because I also imagine that you might be leery of emotional risk-taking, that you try to be prudent and circumspect with your feelings, and that you might find it difficult -- difficult, but certainly not impossible -- to move towards the degree of transparency to another person that fully intimate relationships call for.

 

Naturally, I may be wrong about these impressions; indeed, they may not be impressions at all, but projections. Most interesting to me are some queries: Why, I wonder, does BG ask us these things and not his close personal friends? Why does he say, on the one hand, that he's not looking for intimacy (with escorts), but, on the other, that he might want it with someone else? What kind of person would that someone else be?, I wonder. Does he really believe, I ask myself, that his future partner is just out there, as ready for the taking as a puppy in a petshop?

 

Now, having grossly betrayed my own intentions regarding brevity, I'll take a break. I have more thoughts. If you're interested in them I'd be glad to keep going.

[Boston Guy]

Hey Will -

 

Thanks for replying. I appreciate your thoughts and your candor.

 

>1. You tell us that

>you hire 6+ escorts a

>month for one-hour sessions, that

>they fall into the cute,

>blond, 22-year-old category, and that

>you hire them solely for

>sex. You are not

>looking to them, I think

>you said, for a relationship

>or friendship.

>

 

Yes, that's correct. I think it's accurate to say that neither of us is interested in a relationship with someone so far removed from him in age. But I have to admit that I've had a lot of fun with guys who fit into the 22-year-old, boy-next-door type.

 

>2. You say that you

>never have trouble meeting guys

>when you want to.

>Am I correct in assuming

>that by this you mean

>that you are easily able

>to find sexual partners whom

>you do not have to

>pay? And are they,

>too, blond, 22-year-old hunks?

>

 

No, sorry, my original post wasn't clear here. What I should have clarified was that I've found it really easy to find other escorts in the cities I travel to who fit this same mold -- young, hot but also decent, honest and fun.

 

I do find it relatively easy to meet other guys in bars or other social situations, primarily for one reason: I'm completely willing to be the one who walks up and says hello first. Like everyone else, I've experienced my fair share of people who have been rude and blown me off. But I always feel that says more about the person being rude than the person saying hello. On average, most people are friendly and interesting and I've met lots of friends that way.

 

But for the last few years, for the most part, I haven't been interested in dating or in a relationship and so, with a few minor exceptions, haven't tested the dating waters recently.

 

> I've tried to be

>very careful in what I

>say, because I strongly suspect

>that this issue is a

>bigger deal than your characteristically

>modest and off-hand style of

>putting things might lead us

>to suppose.

>

 

Thank you. From time to time, I find myself at a time and place where I suddenly realize I want to re-examine some part or parts of my life. I feel I am in one of those places now and that decisions I make here may well affect the course of my life. (I think of them as my own personal little watersheds.)

 

>A few questions:

>

>1. If you were to

>look for a partner, would

>you expect him to be

>22, blond, and a hunk?

> I ask, because it's

>possible to keep one's escorts

>at exactly the same age,

>phenotype, and level of emotional

>maturity regardless of how many

>years the client racks up

>in the process. A

>partner, of course, may start

>out being 22 and a

>blond hunk -- with all

>the personality limitations that the

>wisdom and experience of 22

>years imposes -- but within

>a year he will already

>have failed in at least

>one of those categories.

>Over time, he will likely

>fail in all of them.

>

 

:-) No, not at all. All of my relationships have been with guys younger than myself, but generally relatively close to my own age (One was eight years younger.) The blond 22-year-olds are fun in bed and I immensely enjoy their enthusiasm and they way they can make me feel both young and old (sometimes ancient) at the exact same time. But that's not what I would look for in a relationship. While there are all kinds of successful relationships out there, I think they tend to work best when they are composed of two people who see themselves as equals, have common interests (and, consequently, are going to be of similar age) and each bring enough different things to the table to keep each other interested.

 

>

>2. If you were to

>find a bf or lover,

>wouldn't you still be spending

>lots of nights in strange

>hotel rooms? Wouldn't they

>be equally boring? What

>would you do with that

>extra hour you now invest

>in a roll in the

>hay?

>

 

Honestly? I'd probably just do some extra work, which is what I used to do. Although I do have to say that the Food Channel and Animal Planet might now take up an hour each that I used to simply spend working. :-)

 

 

>3. If, as Charlie wisely

>observes, you find it easy

>to compare an escort with

>a Big Mac, do you

>really want to change your

>diet, which is what would

>be necessary if you found

>a bf or lover?

>

 

I love MacDonald's. I love their french fries. I love quarter-pounders with cheese. I love their chocolate shakes. I've been known to drive ten miles out of the way to go to MacDonald's for lunch while on the road instead of going to Burger King (my employees just grin and humor me).

 

But I don't serve MacDonald's food at home and I'm very careful how much of it I eat on the road, because it's not so healthy, more's the pity.

 

The blond 22-year-olds are fun and they amuse me and I hope I amuse them. But they bring something completely different to my life than a partner would and I hope I'm not blind enough to confuse one with the other.

 

>The last question leads me to

>my observations, which I base

>not only on what you've

>written here, but on all

>the many ways you've let

>us know you on this

>board.

>

>1. There are people who

>seek sex without emotional involvement

>precisely because they want to

>avoid emotional intimacy. The

>sex in those cases isn't

>a substitute for intimacy; on

>the contrary, it's an attempt

>to deny the need or

>desire for intimacy.

>

 

True. But I don't think I fall into that camp. I've had intimate, loving relationships before and I enjoy intimacy. But I enjoy intimacy with someone I've gotten to know well and see frequently and, while I guess a couple of escorts I know fall into that category, our relationship is on a completely different level, more like casual friend than lover. But it's an awakening realization that I want to bring real intimacy back into my life again that has prompted some of these thoughts and questions.

 

 

>2. The need for sex

>and the need for intimacy

>are two different things.

>The desire for sexual intimacy

>is another matter altogether, and

>is not coterminal with either

>"sex" or "intimacy." Charlie

>has already pointed this out.

>

>

>3. Men of a certain

>age are wise to learn

>to eroticize other men in

>their own cohort. Among

>many other reasons, that is

>(a) because young men quickly

>become boring after the flush

>of eros has faded and

>what felt like a new

>adventure turns out to be

>a one-way nurturing situation; (b)

>because competent, successful middle-aged men

>easily fall into the trap

>of mistaking a younger man's

>need for a younger man's

>gift of himself; and ©

>because a man whose erotic

>objects are limited to one

>age group and physical type

>is not likely ever to

>find a long-term relationship for

>the simple reason that the

>other man will grow out

>of the fantasy. Have

>you ever looked for an

>escort in his late thirties

>or early forties (they tend

>not to come longer in

>the tooth than that)?

>

 

I agree with both of your thoughts above and, as I've said, I'm not looking to form a relationship with someone who's 22. But, in answer to your question, no -- I haven't looked for an older escort. And I understand why I haven't. To me, guys can be sexually attractive for a variety of different reasons, but tend to fall into two camps: young, hot guys who are simply attractive because they've got such great bodies; or older guys who have become attractive to me because of what they are offering from the inside.

 

Older escorts offer neither of these things to me -- they don't walk in the door with a body that makes me want to rip off their clothing and, since I don't know them, I haven't found those other parts of their psyche that might well be attractive to me. I understand this is very personal and that others might find this superficial. But we have to work with what we're given.

 

 

>4. My impression of you

>-- remembering how limited and

>disembodied it is -- is

>of a man who very

>much likes to feel in

>charge of a situation.

>You project self-esteem, self-confidence, reserve,

>and the assumption that, wisely

>deployed, your efforts are always

>going to work to your

>advantage. Furthermore, you seem

>to find it easier to

>give advice than to ask

>for it, and you are

>extremely cautious about revealing more

>of yourself than is absolutely

>necessary under the circumstances.

>(For instance, you don't tell

>us why it's only been

>in the past three years

>that you've been hiring escorts

>so frequently.) My mental

>image of you is also

>of an extremely intelligent man

>who uses his rational powers

>to keep his emotional energies

>well in hand, without denying

>them altogether. (I remember

>the thread you began recently

>about "Philadelphia.") You also

>strike me as someone who

>is compassionate, sensitive, and who

>perhaps finds himself more involved

>with other people, from time

>to time, than he'd like

>to be. That's because

>I also imagine that you

>might be leery of emotional

>risk-taking, that you try to

>be prudent and circumspect with

>your feelings, and that you

>might find it difficult

>-- difficult, but certainly not

>impossible -- to move towards

>the degree of transparency to

>another person that fully intimate

>relationships call for.

>

 

Hmmmm... well, I think it's hard for us to know exactly who we are or even what we project. The above is pretty positive and so I thank you for that. I do think I am somewhat circumspect in some situations -- Internet messages centers can be one -- but I think I'm quite open with the friends I routinely spend time with. And, if the past is any guide, I think I'm able to be open and intimate with another guy when that's appropriate.

 

 

>Naturally, I may be wrong about

>these impressions; indeed, they may

>not be impressions at all,

>but projections. Most interesting

>to me are some queries:

>Why, I wonder, does BG

>ask us these things and

>not his close personal friends?

 

That's a good question. I have discussed this with one friend who knows that I hire escorts.

 

I feel quite fortunate in that I've been able to make a good group of friends. But, for a variety of reasons, I haven't discussed the fact that I hire escorts with most of them. It just hasn't felt necessary. The ones who do know don't hire escorts themselves, to my knowledge. So my close personal friends can only address this question from a lack of personal knowledge of the issue at hand and I felt that there might be others here who were having similar thoughts or concerns, or who had worked this kind of issue before.

 

 

> Why does he say,

>on the one hand, that

>he's not looking for intimacy

>(with escorts), but, on the

>other, that he might want

>it with someone else?

 

I don't think that's a contradiction. For me, the distinction is clear. But perhaps it goes back to my original idea of Whammers and Charmers, which dealt not with whether someone was charming or not, but rather what they were looking to get out of an escort experience.

 

When I hire an escort, it's sort of like going to an amusement park (to use a different metaphor). It's usually fun, I don't take it very seriously, we laugh a lot and then it's over. If, on the other hand, I were hiring escorts precisely to find emotional intimacy, I think I might right now be very scared.

 

For me, emotional intimacy, if it's worth anything at all, is only possible after really getting to know someone and getting inside their head. If I were trying to get that from escorts who I've known for hours or even, collectively, for a few days, I would think I was participating in a form of self-delusion. And, again, this is very personal and has to do only with the way that my own particular head and heart work. I'm not trying to make any kind of judgment about what might work or be true for any other person.

 

>What kind of person would

>that someone else be?, I

>wonder. Does he really

>believe, I ask myself, that

>his future partner is just

>out there, as ready for

>the taking as a puppy

>in a petshop?

>

 

No, of course not. But I do believe that there are lots of people walking on this planet with whom I could fall in love and who could fall in love with me. I guess I don't reveal it much here, but my friends often accuse me of being very romantic and I like the 'knight on a white horse' image.

 

But I don't think there's only one white knight for each of us and only one possible future relationship for each of us. Instead, I think there are many different potential relationships walking around out there and one of the biggest things that prevents us from falling into those possible relationships is a lack of availability, usually driven by negative forces centered in our own head. (These tend to fall into the "I'm too old.", "I'm too fat.", "I'm too busy.", "I don't have time right now.", "He won't like me.", and "I don't have enough experience to enter a relationship." camps, even though there are millions of variations on each theme.)

 

So while I harbor no delusions about the puppy-in-a-petshop, I also know that being open, available (especially -- most especially -- in one's own mind) and making a point of being in places where other similar men are congregated can provide opportunities to meet potential partners. The converse, especially staying away from the places where other singles guys are, will almost guarantee that one stays single.)

 

>Now, having grossly betrayed my own

>intentions regarding brevity, I'll take

>a break. I have

>more thoughts. If you're

>interested in them I'd be

>glad to keep going.

 

Thanks. I appreciate very much the time and effort you have spent here. TY and others have suggested that I already know the answers to my questions. Perhaps, although I'm not certain. I do know the dialog here has been most helpful.

[Will]

Thanks for your thoughtful, point-by-point reply. In an indirect way, I can see that what I and others posted has indeed been helpful. From what you say, it sounds as though you have decided that it's time to look again, beefy twinks not being a factor at all. It sounds like you have a lot of emotional and sexual energy, so I doubt you're using it all up on the road. There's probably plenty left over to spend on finding the lucky guy!

[Boston Guy]

:-)

[Guest WorldEscrt Sean]

As I sit here reading this thread I can only say YAWN! Here's a little reality check for you gents. You hire Escorts because you can't get a hot guy for free if your life depended on it. Young gay men ( FACE IT GENTS ) are not into older unattractive men. Gay society is all about youth and vitality. In the time that I've been Escorting I have found one common thread that binds all clients together. Personality disorders. The majority having severe self esteem problems and the others are simply doing it because they have the money and don't like dealing with the bar scene. I can assure you that 99.9% of Escorts wouldn't be caught dead with most of you UNLESS you were paying. A colleague of mine called me just last night and said "I can't do this much longer they're getting uglier by the day". My advice to you is to seek professional therapy and figure out what it is that drives you to pay for sex. This is not meant to be a put down to any of you its just a reality check.

[Guest allansmith63]

Sweetie, I think you've just very significantly reduced your market appeal. This is not meant to be a put down to you, its just a reality check.

 

A.

[Guest Joey Ciccone]

I doubt if all escorts would share Seans' stark viewpoint. I know I don't.

[Guest WorldEscrt Sean]

I rest my case! And Allen sweetie, business is booming

[Guest WorldEscrt Sean]

Joey, most escorts don't have the balls to admit it. They're afraid it will hurt their business. I'm sure that if you and I had a private conversation on this topic your viewpoint would be the same dear.

[Boston Guy]

Sean,

 

I'm not sure who you're addressing here but, if it's me, I hope you don't think you're presenting me with a big surprise.

 

If you read the thread carefully, you'll see that I acknowledge quite clearly a difference in why and what I would look for in hiring an escort vs. looking for a 'real' relationship.

 

I think guys hire escorts for many reasons and your simplification is really an over-simplification. But, ultimately, you're right: guys hire escorts because they want to get together with a (usually younger) guy they think is hot and because they can. When I was in my mid-twenties, I wouldn't have had sex with guys in their 30's, much less guys in their 40's, 50's or older.

 

Escorts escort because they want the money. Perhaps there are some who do so because they also enjoy it, but I think the primary motivation is for the money. Guys are willing to spend money on escorts because it meets some need of theirs.

 

So you have guys with money who want some fun and guys who want the money and are willing to put out. What's so complicated?

 

For me, it's generally about fun and the cost is not that different than going out and doing some of the other things I think are fun. But I'm not in the slightest deceiving myself that these guys would come running after me for a date if there wasn't cash involved. It's simply the way the world works.

 

Your suggestion that some guys (not sure if you were directing it at me) get therapy is not a bad one, depending on why they are hiring escorts. For me, what started out as an occasional thing to deal with boredom on the road has become pretty frequent, to the point where I think the fun I'm having is reducing my need for other kinds of relationships and I don't think I'm willing to let that continue without some kind of change.

 

But I don't think my decision to question where I'm at in my life and whether the directions I'm heading in will take me where I want to go is an indication that I should go seek a therapist. On the contrary, I find these occasional 'reality checks' quite healthy.