Too fat to hire

[+ Pensant]

Although I’m very fit for my age, I’ve discussed the weight issue with providers and they’ve all stated that, if the client is nice and respectful, they could care less about the weight.

[+ Pensant]

And the average waist size of said providers is 30.

[blightuponyou]

I am not trying to offend anyone or diminish escorts as people, but from my perspective it is kind of strange for escorts to treat clients like they would a dating app hookup.

 

I view hiring as completely different from hookups in the same way I view hookups as completely different from dating and dating different from being in a relationship.

 

It just seems like the nature of the beast that escorts will get clients they are not necessarily attracted to and would not have sex with in their personal lives. Part of the professionalism is overlooking that and trying to give everyone a good time.

 

For me personally, my only concerns when hiring are me being clean and having fun. I do not want the extra anxiety of having the door slammed in my face because my lack of six pack does not get the escort’s motor revving.

 

Of course escorts are people and can do whatever they want and should be allowed to.

This is just an outsider’s perspective.

 

As a final note, I am a bear who is equally DTF jocks and other bears not to mention white and attracted to people of other races and ethnicities. It is important to examine your own prejudices and make sure your dick is not getting hard because you are not attracted to certain types of people or whether society has dictated whom you should fuck and taught you to feel shame for your desires (that is for civilians and escorts alike!)

[Njguy908]

Whoever said communication is key is 100% on point. They are providing a service. Be upfront and don't be ashamed of anything there are many people both in every day life and providers who have no problems with guys that aren't HWP.

[marylander1940]

I am not trying to offend anyone or diminish escorts as people, but from my perspective it is kind of strange for escorts to treat clients like they would a dating app hookup.

 

I view hiring as completely different from hookups in the same way I view hookups as completely different from dating and dating different from being in a relationship.

 

It just seems like the nature of the beast that escorts will get clients they are not necessarily attracted to and would not have sex with in their personal lives. Part of the professionalism is overlooking that and trying to give everyone a good time.

 

For me personally, my only concerns when hiring are me being clean and having fun. I do not want the extra anxiety of having the door slammed in my face because my lack of six pack does not get the escort’s motor revving.

 

Of course escorts are people and can do whatever they want and should be allowed to.

This is just an outsider’s perspective.

 

As a final note, I am a bear who is equally DTF jocks and other bears not to mention white and attracted to people of other races and ethnicities. It is important to examine your own prejudices and make sure your dick is not getting hard because you are not attracted to certain types of people or whether society has dictated whom you should fuck and taught you to feel shame for your desires (that is for civilians and escorts alike!)

 

Brilliant!

 

I love your common sense!

[Realalist]

Realist you need to understand that you don’t have to do anything. When you state that, “Nobody else has to inform escorts of their physical attributes beforehand, so why should I?” you are correct. Nobody has to, HOWEVER, many of us DO simply to avoid embarrassing situations later. I have been hiring escorts, on a regular basis, for over fifteen years and I ALWAYS describe myself in our early communication. I am especially careful to include my age, soon to be 79, so if the escort happens to be an ageist he can opt out of meeting me early. In all of my years hiring only one escort ceased communicating with me upon knowing my age. Your refusal to mention your weight to a potential hire is a serious, silly mistake. By not doing so you create a situation where you are terribly nervous and up tight about how the escort will react when you meet. Additionally you set yourself up for disappointment if the escorts happens to be weight conscience. COMMUNICATE and stop feeling that by doing so you are being forced to do something the rest of us aren’t.

Damn damn damn. I can't argue with that. If I'm not upfront with them, despite my embarrassment, I could set myself up for the very thing I'm trying to prevent.

[Realalist]

Yes they may be out there but I at least have yet to find those escorts. Yes I find men that love me as I am at Bear Bars, but I'm not attracted to other bears or men that look like myself. Opposites Attract is my motto, but while they may be out there, usually they just grit their teeth and do their job and thinly veil their disgust which I clearly see, finish ASAP, grab their money and scram. It might be one of the reasons I opt for Body Worship with "straightish guys" and keep most of my clothes on! There is less disappointment with them.

 

Very interesting thread and very good feedback for all you guys. I'm glad I read it!

 

Literally everything you said is how I feel. I'm not attracted at all to the type pf guys that I attract so hiring is really my only option at the moment. Opting for body worship with my clothes on has also been my go to as it gives me control to be satisfied without feeling too vulnerable. We could be twins.

[Realalist]

I’ve hired escorts when I was fat and I’ve hired escorts when I had a six pack.

 

Guess what....I had better experiences when I was fat.

 

I‘m sure the reasons are myriad....including the escorts’ brains being as fickle

and screwed up as mine. Yes, I’ve had great (and bad) experiences regardless

of my body, but my batting average of “incredible” hires was higher when I was

fat.

 

Now get that self defeating crap out of your head. Get of there. And ”Play Ball”!

[MEDIA=giphy]RkDO1jwSjDPztB7OPU[/MEDIA]

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

I am not trying to offend anyone or diminish escorts as people, but from my perspective it is kind of strange for escorts to treat clients like they would a dating app hookup.

 

But what some of us are discussing isn't 'being attractive' or 'attracted to,' but the nuts and bolts of having sex with or as a larger person.

 

Depending on someone's size, it can be problematic and if that's the case, I think it's wise for a client to disclose that up front.

 

I fully agree that escorts are here to fulfill a variety of specific needs, but so that we're able to successfully, we need to know what we're walking into. I think a quick, frank email or discussion is never a bad thing.

[+ Funguy]

Allow me to “weigh” in on this subject since someone tagged me above.

 

You’re meeting the wrong people.

 

First, there is very compelling business case for diversity in learning to excel with all types of clients. Second, it makes the work a lot more enjoyable. Third, I’ve faced plenty of rejection in various avenues of my life and know how painful it is. So many people have told me I’m not good enough to do x, y, or z, and I’ve just had to push past that to find the people who disagree with them. And half the reason I look like I do is driven by my own physical insecurity about how I look. It’s not like people who don’t like you are battling their own insecurities.

 

There are plenty of people who will reject you in life. Find the ones who won’t. Find the people who understand that providers and clients are more like alike than they are different.

 

I agree with everyone above that having information about yourself publicly visible on your profile or disclosed in first contact will help you find the best matches for you. @Epigonos gives good advice. There’s already so much information asymmetry in the initial meeting between providers and clients that any additional info you can provide is helpful.

 

Oh, Mike Mike, Mike . . .

How could you ever feel rejected?

You are wonderful and sexy and sexy and wonderful and on and on!

[Ghadd]

Oh, Mike Mike, Mike . . .

How could you ever feel rejected?

You are wonderful and sexy and sexy and wonderful and on and on!

And I thought I couldn't like Mike Gaite any more than I did.

Edited October 22, 2019 by Ghadd

[hypothetically]

I just want to feel wanted and validated.

 

If you are seeking validation from illusionists, you need to work on you first. Your weight is not the issue.

I have had overweight clients who are confident and empowered by hiring, and I have had overweight clients who are in a spiral (because of their physical appearance) communicate these insecurities during a session and don’t really feel any better about themselves post-session. At the end of the day, I’m an escort, not a therapist. The only person who can make you feel better about you, surprise...is you. It is also imperative you are transparent and honest when hiring, and if that is fueling your anxieties, then again..you need to work on you, friend. That energy will be front & center when the session begins and while some escorts will do a phenomenal job alleviating said anxiety, most will not.

[LivingnLA]

@Realalist thank you for sharing so honestly. Your willingness to be so vulnerable is a good sign of underlying courage and strength. I urge you to use your money to work with a therapist to unpack these negative self-concepts and change the mental habits that reinforce them. This isn't about your physical weight or appearance. It's about how you see and think of yourself. You need help in seeing the real you, not the distorted vision in your mind.

 

I'm not going to say "get in the gym" because I do not know your life. Weight management is a very individualized issue because genetics, economics, psychology, some injuries, and more all affect our weight. The only person able to answer this is you in consultation with your doctor(s) to determine what's best for your health and quality of life.

 

To address your original question, I urge you to filter your escort search for escorts who say things like "all types welcome," "all sizes welcome," or "all body types welcome" and the like. I also urge you to describe yourself some-what when you contact the escort because you want them to self-select and be able to create the fantasy you want. To do that, they need to know a little about you. Escorts are paid professionals but they're still human beings. Bigotry is fundamentally human. Why would you want to waste time with a bigot who has an issue with your ethnicity, age, weight, or whatever? You do not need that kind of negativity in your life. You deserve much better and there are plenty of humans who would be happy to know you. Make it easier for you and them to find each other.

[omw_to_hell]

Would this same advice apply to someone with a disability? I dont really know how to bring it up and so in the end I chicken out. Its a relatively new thing I am learning to adjust to.

[hypothetically]

Would this same advice apply to someone with a disability? I dont really know how to bring it up and so in the end I chicken out. Its a relatively new thing I am learning to adjust to.

 

Yes, while working this summer in Berlin I did have a client with a disability, and I prefer it is communicated, not because a disability is at all an issue but because the logistics of our sexual interaction is different, and I may have questions per said logistics.

Edited October 22, 2019 by hypothetically

[MrMattBig]

Start out by describing yourself in you initial message like you did in the OP " Hi there, saw your ad. I am a tall mid-30's overweight black man interested in seeing you soon. Would you be available (insert when you are looking to meet)."

The ones that would have a problem would simply probably not respond.

As general advice I tell people to be weary of those who can't discuss logistics in an intelligent manner. For example, if you ask if they are available today, a "yes, I will be available after 5pm" is way better than a simple "yes". For your concerns specifically you want to try and avoid those who will say yes to score the money, bit then show different colors once in person.

 

You never know until you try so dont be afraid to reach out to those that you are really interested in.

Your weight does not define you. It's only a small piece of a description, similar to your given name.

If you are healthy and happy with who you are, go out and get laid!

Just more of you to love!

[mike carey]

Would this same advice apply to someone with a disability? I dont really know how to bring it up and so in the end I chicken out. Its a relatively new thing I am learning to adjust to.

Rather than offer another comment on this aspect, I thought I'd post a link to this article from a few years ago. David is well known in the forum, many of us have been to pool parties at his home in Palm Springs.

https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2016/2/09/price-intimacy-time-i-hired-sex-worker

Edited October 23, 2019 by mike carey

[Islesguy]

Rather than offer a comment, I thought I'd post a link to this article from a few years ago. David is well known in the forum, many of us have been to pool parties at his home in Palm Springs.

https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2016/2/09/price-intimacy-time-i-hired-sex-worker

This is a great read and something I can very easily connect with.

[Realalist]

Rather than offer a comment, I thought I'd post a link to this article from a few years ago. David is well known in the forum, many of us have been to pool parties at his home in Palm Springs.

https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2016/2/09/price-intimacy-time-i-hired-sex-worker

Rather than offer a comment, I thought I'd post a link to this article from a few years ago. David is well known in the forum, many of us have been to pool parties at his home in Palm Springs.

https://www.out.com/lifestyle/2016/2/09/price-intimacy-time-i-hired-sex-worker

A very engaging read. Thank you.

[+ kent]

Hmmmmm. Band aides on the wound. You feel bad about yourself. The most liberating feeling on earth is the feeling of being in control of yourself... hence self esteem and confidence.

 

For your own health and well being, join a gym, eat for your health, join support groups with people sharing the same feelings and most importantly... have fun! Everyone loves an underdog that is making something positive about themselves.

 

Take pictures...now. set up small goals that you can accomplish and again have fun! When you achieve these goals take more pictures. Set up more goals. There is synergy within positive momentum.

 

Then when you hire one of these hot muscle phenoms, share your pictures, goals and future desires. I can almost guarantee the good ones will feel the positive energy and that in itself (especially with the straight ones) will excite them into a great session. Many will offer advice and I bet many will follow up with you and WANT to have a session just to see your progress.

 

Nothing in life is more energetic than energy!

 

Take control of yourself, love yourself and you will have no problem with a hire given he is a decent human being that also has goals, insecurities etc.

 

Take the first step. We all want you to succeed and again....make this fun!!

 

God bless!!

 

This is an inappropriate, insensitive, tactless, self-centered response. I'd suggest joining a group that can help you with sensitivity and ego issues. Set up small goals such as reading the room and being sensitive to others' concerns. Learn no to imply that others need to change to match your perceptions. There is synergy within positive momentum. Take the first step. We all want you to succeed and not post responses like this again.

[caliguy]

This is an inappropriate, insensitive, tactless, self-centered response. I'd suggest joining a group that can help you with sensitivity and ego issues. Set up small goals such as reading the room and being sensitive to others' concerns. Learn no to imply that others need to change to match your perceptions. There is synergy within positive momentum. Take the first step. We all want you to succeed and not post responses like this again.

It's totally appropriate. He's a 30 yo man not happy with his current situation so what's so wrong about giving someone advice who asked for it on the root cause? Not to mention it's something Gymowner has a bit more knowledge then the rest of us on.

 

I think some of you are reading your own insecurities into this and thus making this more about you then the OP.

[LivingnLA]

It's totally appropriate. He's a 30 yo man not happy with his current situation so what's so wrong about giving someone advice who asked for it on the root cause? Not to mention it's something Gymowner has a bit more knowledge then the rest of us on.

 

I think some of you are reading your own insecurities into this and thus making this more about you then the OP.

 

No it isn't appropriate for two basic reasons: the OP didn't ask for advice about his weight and we have no knowledge about his genetic/environmental/medical issues. There are many reasons for someone to be overweight and a large number of them are not directly controllable. Without far more information, we have no idea and no valid basis to say something like was said above. We don't even know if he's medically obese! All he's said pertains to the extreme lookism he's experienced. The statements by gymowner and others are loaded with implicit assumptions based on illusions of "control" and "will" that are frankly condescending and elitist. Given what's been shared so far, those comments are counterproductive and potentially harmful.

[Gymowner]

He requested a deposit to ensure the meet up would happen. Just imagine how you'd feed if you were supposed to meet up with someone and they didn't show up. Time wasted right? So the deposit is justified. I'm just advocating for the guy hardcore, because my time with him was beyond amazing.

This is an inappropriate, insensitive, tactless, self-centered response. I'd suggest joining a group that can help you with sensitivity and ego issues. Set up small goals such as reading the room and being sensitive to others' concerns. Learn no to imply that others need to change to match your perceptions. There is synergy within positive momentum. Take the first step. We all want you to succeed and not post responses like this again.

 

wow...this society has really gotten to a place that it has never been before. i was giving a motivational, sincere, positive response to try to help the man out. most on here got that and appreciate it. never did i call him names, belittle him nor try to make him feel anything but upbeat about himself. we all can improve ourselves even if in small ways.

 

the man gets on here and says he thinks he is too disgusting to hire an escort. i try to give him sound advice. never did i try to tell him to get ripped abs and go to a white party and flaunt it around like so many do. nope. not once.

 

never will a horrible, so negative a reply like the one kent gave here stop me from trying to help people. i think most here understand this and kent just made himself look like a horrible human being.

[caliguy]

No it isn't appropriate for two basic reasons: the OP didn't ask for advice about his weight and we have no knowledge about his genetic/environmental/medical issues. There are many reasons for someone to be overweight and a large number of them are not directly controllable. Without far more information, we have no idea and no valid basis to say something like was said above. We don't even know if he's medically obese! All he's said pertains to the extreme lookism he's experienced. The statements by gymowner and others are loaded with implicit assumptions based on illusions of "control" and "will" that are frankly condescending and elitist. Given what's been shared so far, those comments are counterproductive and potentially harmful.

"I experience a great deal of anxiety trying to hire someone because of my weight. I often fantasize about having an amazing experience with a hot guy. Mostly I tend to choose less attractive escorts to mitigate some damage. I just want to feel wanted and validated."

 

He wants the hot guys to want him too. He's not interested in just average guys. I get that. When I was 30 I wanted desperately to fit in and of coarse you want the hotties to notice you so I started going to the gym and guess what. My dream came true. Yah. Also, he never stated that he has a disease or whatever so I'm going with that.

Edited October 22, 2019 by caliguy

[Realalist]

wow...this society has really gotten to a place that it has never been before. i was giving a motivational, sincere, positive response to try to help the man out. most on here got that and appreciate it. never did i call him names, belittle him nor try to make him feel anything but upbeat about himself. we all can improve ourselves even if in small ways.

 

the man gets on here and says he thinks he is too disgusting to hire an escort. i try to give him sound advice. never did i try to tell him to get ripped abs and go to a white party and flaunt it around like so many do. nope. not once.

 

never will a horrible, so negative a reply like the one kent gave here stop me from trying to help people. i think most here understand this and kent just made himself look like a horrible human being.

"Too disgusting to hire an escort" never came out of my mouth (or anyone else's) but I suppose I appreciate the effort.

"I experience a great deal of anxiety trying to hire someone because of my weight. I often fantasize about having an amazing experience with a hot guy. Mostly I tend to choose less attractive escorts to mitigate some damage. I just want to feel wanted and validated."

 

He wants the hot guys to want him too. He's not interested in just average guys. I get that. When I was 30 I wanted desperately to fit in and of coarse you want the hotties to notice you so I started going to the gym and guess what. My dream came true. Yah. Also, he never stated that he has a disease or whatever so I'm going with that.

I think you somewhat missed the point. This conversation is about my anxiety hiring escorts while fat, so "trying to fit it" or "getting the hotties to notice you" is far from the issue I described. While I agree getting in shape would probably help with some of my issues, I'm certainly not doing it so an escort will like me.