An odd request

[+ Charlie]

This is a rather strange question to ask here, but I don't know where to go for an answer. Does anyone know the appropriate gratuity to offer to a clergyman for conducting a simple burial service at a gravesite? The clergyman doesn't know the mourners or the deceased.

[Guest TNT Ted]

I have no experience with this but would have no problem asking the clergyman what he considers appropriate. I know for sure that some have set fees.

[Samai139]

Speak to the funeral director and ask him/her as well.

[+ Charlie]

Unfortunately, there is no funeral director; I'm bringing the remains myself.

[+ ArVaGuy]

Not too sure on the protocols with this but my assumption would be that the minister, priest, rabbi, would not be expecting something. Consequently, anything you offer will be appreciated and gratefully accepted.

 

Consider the travel time that it may have taken for the officiate to get to the location and offer enough to certainly cover those expenses. (Gas money.) However, you should give an amount that you can afford and should not feel uncomfortable regardless of the amount.

 

The next part that may be uncomfortable would be presenting the gratuity to them. It would be my suggestion that you write a note of thanks and enclose a check. You can mention something that they said during the service that was touching in some way. Then mail it to them the day after the burial. This eliminates the awkward moment afterwards with handshakes and exchanging of money which can make everyone uncomfortable.

 

I hope this is helpful and I am sorry for your loss.

[trilingual]

I too am sorry for your loss. You should speak with the pastor involved and asked what he expects. As someone else posted, some ministers have set fees. It's customary to have the fee/gratuity in an envelope that you can discreetly hand the minister before the service begins. A thank-you note is also nice; since neither you nor the deceased are members of his congregation, the pastor has no real obligation to conduct the service for you. He may be charging, but he is also doing you a favor. And you can be sure he will be expecting something. Conducting such services is how clergy earn their living. Ministers, pastors and rabbis don't pay their bills with good wishes alone!

 

If the service isn't elaborate or involved, involving only a couple of hours including time getting to and from the service, a fee of $150 - 200 is probably in the ball park, but these things vary by city, denomination, and individual pastor, so that's why you should ask directly. The minister will not be offended and you'll avoid any unpleasantness afterwards if you offer or pay too little.

[Guest PWIT]

was doing a google search and it seems an honorarium of around $250 is appropriate. link below was one of better sites offering guidance on funerals.

 

http://www.godweb.org/planfuneral.htm

 

sorry for your loss. hope you make it through OK.

[Luv2play]

I've read all the responses so far and my own instinct would be to offer the clergyman an honorarium, which is what it is in effect, of say $150. I'm assuming he is not taking more than an hour or so out of his day. If more extensive travel is involved, then I would up it somewhat to compensate for that.

 

We do these things for ourselves, in honour of our departed friends or relatives. Once they are gone, they are beyond these concerns, but we have to live with ourselves. Tokens of appreciation are what makes us civilized human beings.

[Guest Dan]

Actually, the best way to find out would be to call his church and ask someone in his office who will give you the "suggested donation." Hope this makes things easier for you at this difficult time.

 

Best,

 

 

Dan Dare

http://www.geocities.com/dandare_laca/DanDare4Hire.html

[kevininsa]

I too would say about $150 in the Texas area. I usually see people discreetly pass off an envelope after the graveside when they thank the clergy for the service. If longer, funeral service, processional to grave, graveside, the increase accordingly to time involved.

 

KevinInSA

[jawjateck]

I have had to oversee three funerals: my mother, my grandmother, and an uncle with no family. Down in the old south, the funeral director usually handles this issue for the family. I would guess in our neck of the woods that 50-100 is reasonable, if nothing unusual is involved in the service and the minister doesn't have to travel extensively to perform the service. Like most economic issues, even this varies from region to region around the country. In each case of which I have experience, the officiating ministers knew our family, so I don't know how the gift might vary for a minister who does not know the deceased or the family. In your case, handling the matter directly, a thank you note mailed to the clergy, with the honorarium included, is tasteful and avoids that clumsy, awkward moment at the cemetery.

[+ Charlie]

As I suspected, there is a lot of variation in the answers, but thanks to all of you who posted, because it gave me a sense of what to be prepared for. In fact, I think I'll just ask the minister if he has a customary fee, and if not, at least I now have some ball park figures to help me decide what to give.

[Guest zipperzone]

>In your case, handling

>the matter directly, a thank you note mailed to the clergy,

>with the honorarium included, is tasteful and avoids that

>clumsy, awkward moment at the cemetery.

 

While well intended, I think this could actually CAUSE a clumsy awkward moment. I the minister didn't know you were intending to mail him something, he might be waiting for it at the graveside and the whole deal could get quite embarassing.

[Rick Munroe]

Being an atheist and never having really paid attention to religious customs and etiquette, I must say that this surprises me. I didn't realize that priests had to be paid for their services. I always thought it was just "what they did" and that it was their calling. So let me get this straight: although it is what they enjoy doing, they still expect payment. Hmm...sounds about right to me, after all. :+

[uwsman2]

Actually, this would depend on quite a lot of different factors. Priests, ministers and rabbis of congregations all have their own different pay structures. In some denominations their income is heavily dependent on gratuities from congregants and/or non-congregants for "special services" such as funerals, baby namings, confirmations, weddings, commitment ceremonies, and so forth.

 

One thing you have to remember, which my rabbi once pointed out to me in a discussion when I was on the congregation's advisory committee - the congregation expects a rabbi to be on call for pastoral care (visiting people in hospitals, counseling people with problems and so forth) on an as-needed basis. A funeral makes the rabbi unavailable to the rest of the congregation for the time spent going to and conducting the service and then going to and conducting a ceremony at graveside. In the NY metro area, if a funeral service it taking place at a funeral home in Manhattan and burial is taking place (as is the norm) at a cemetery in northern New Jersey, Brooklyn, Queens, or Westchester County, then one is really talking about taking the rabbi away from normal service to the congregation for the better part of a day, in light of travel time and the rest. This is all time the rabbi is prevented from conducting the normal duties of the job. So there are many ways it can be handled in terms of compensation - in some places, it is customary to donate to the rabbi's discretionary fund, which the rabbi then uses to make donations to worthy causes. In others, a fee may go to the congregation. So it is definitely a good idea to call the office of the religious institution during business hours to inquire about how it is normally handled.

 

Of course, if one is dealing with ordained clergy who do not have a pulpit affiliation, direct compensation is undoubtedly expected.

[+ Charlie]

I appreciate all the answers I got to this request. As it turned out, the clergyman had no set fee, so I used the information you provided to come up with what seemed a reasonable gratuity, considering the type of service, preparation time, travel, etc., and it was graciously accepted.

 

Thanks again to all of you.

[BobbyB]

As I understand it, a funeral service would fall into generally the same category as a wedding, which would put the gratuity at around $200. I have a couple of very good friends who's dads are ministers and have heard much on this subject. More to the point, I have heard numerous stories of how people invariably short change the poor guy. (This is especially true at weddings where the nuptials and/or their parents will spend thousands and thousands of dollars and then slip the poor guy a mere $25 which is shameful.) Ministers invest much more time that a mere hour out of their day to officiate at these functions, and yet their contributions, which may often include spiritual counseling and comfort, is often under-appreciated, overlooked, or trivialized. Financially, their's can often be a very a tough profession. They struggle to raise their families, put kids through college, forgoing many of the luxuries we take for granted, rarely have anything approximating a retirement plan, instead, putting their fate into the hands of the God they dedicate their lives to serve, and yet are expected to perform at all the important "life events" of every member of the congregation. The compensation for a wedding can fluctuate greatly depending on a lot a factors and, granted, it is on the opposite side of the emotion scale; yet, for the level of comfort, compassion and service they are expect to provide, I personally think $200 would be a minimum for a funeral.

 

I hope this helps, and I, too, am sorry for your loss.

 

-BobbyB[?B]

[Guest zipperzone]

>Ministers invest much more time

>that a mere hour out of their day to officiate at these

>functions, and yet their contributions, which may often

>include spiritual counseling and comfort, is often

>under-appreciated, overlooked, or trivialized. Financially,

>their's can often be a very a tough profession. They struggle

>to raise their families, put kids through college, forgoing

>many of the luxuries we take for granted, rarely have anything

>approximating a retirement plan,

 

Obviously this doesn't apply if the clergy happens to be Catholic. Although they don't have children and a wife to care for, they certainly do not forgo "the luxuries we take for granted". The ones I have met live a very cushy lifestyle, have great job security and are certain of a very comfortable retirement.

[Luv2play]

I had the impression from the OP that the clergyman officiated at a very simple graveside service. He did not know either the deceased or the mourners. I assumed that he took no longer than 10 minutes or so to perform his services, apart from travel time. In that light, I considered $150 to be an appropriate honorarium.

 

I would think even the simplest wedding service would entail more time than 10 minutes for the clergy to perform, although I suppose in Las Vegas that might be stretching it. In other respects I would agree that apart from the emotions involved, the difference to the clergy between a wedding and a funeral are not all that great. Both ceremonies involve a certain amount of spiritual guidance, which the clergy is expected to perform.

 

It would be interesting to know what the OP finally settled on but I would not presume to ask if he preferred to keep this confidential. Obviously, there is some latitude here from the various opinions that have been aired.