deej

Rowan and Martin's Laugh In. Arte Johnson and Ruth Buzzi.

A timely press release: April 20, 2012 Hookers Downgrade US Credit Rating Shortchanging by Secret Service Draws Strong Rebuke NEW YORK – Days after Secret Service agents shortchanged a group of prostitutes in Colombia, the international trade group representing hookers downgraded the United States’ credit rating from AAA to B. The strong rebuke from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts came after a Secret Service agent reportedly paid one of its members $30 for an $800 service, or only 4% of the stated price. The statement from the International Alliance of Professional Escorts said that in downgrading the United States’ credit rating it was sending a clear message that its “members should be aware that doing business with the government of the United States carries with it a significant risk.” “We are urging our members to avoid conducting transactions with the United States and to focus on more reliable customers, like the International Monetary Fund,” the statement added. Just hours after the announcement from the escorts’ group, the U.S. Congress passed the following resolution blasting the Secret Service for its actions: “We strongly denounce the Secret Service for consorting with prostitutes, which has traditionally been Congress's role.” But it was not all bad news this week for the Secret Service, which today reported a 500% jump in enlistment. The agency said that enlistment offices across the country have been packed with prospective agents, including House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who abruptly dropped out of the Presidential race to join.

I saw Korman and Conway "in concert" a year or so before Korman's death. They traveled, mostly doing old skits from the Carol Burnett Show. The laughs came exactly where you'd expect. At some point, they'd ask the audience if they had a favorite for the evening's encore and the audience invariably shouted "THE DENTIST!" It isn't just you, pal.

Works for me. Auditions in FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT.....

Hang on to the tie and the hat. Sounds like a good stripper costume! I was stunned to find $3.59 in Simi Valley, CA last week. But I'm glad to see it that low!

I was just about to post exactly the same joke. LOL Except in my version the angel asks "Santa, where should I put this Christmas tree?"

World Travel A public service notice from an old friend: I have done a lot of travel in my long life, but I've never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can't go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone. I've also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there. I have, however, been in Sane. They don't have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family and work. I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I'm not too much on physical activity anymore. I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often. I've been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm. Sometimes I'm in Capable, and I go there more often as I'm getting older. One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get! But with all that travel, there is one place I don't ever want to go. I never want to be in Continent. Old Pal Elaine

The ultimate Siri-assisted argument: http://www.collegehumor.com/video/6648229/siri-argument

Eve chats with God. "Lord, I have a problem." "What is it, Eve?" "I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, especially that hilarious snake, but I'm just not happy." "And why is that Eve?" "Lord, I'm lonely, and I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "Man? What is that Lord?" "A flawed creature with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat and be vain. All in all he'll give you a hard time, but he'll be bigger and faster and will like to hunt and kill things. I'll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be as smart as you, so he will also need your advice to think properly." "Sounds great," says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, " but what's the catch?" "Well,.....you can have him on one condition." "And what's that Lord? " "Well, since he'll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring, you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret .. you know, woman to woman."

I suspect both dog and human are lucky in these two rescues.

It's an interesting double standard, jackhammer, and it's still taught by coaches who teach public speaking. Men are discouraged from putting hands on hips, but women are told it's a "power posture" that makes them look strong.

Ken and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, And every year Ken would say, ' Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter' Edna always replied, 'I know Ken, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks' One year Ken and Edna went to the fair, and Ken said, ' Edna, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance' To this, Edna replied, "Ken that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks' The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.' Ken and Edna agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ken and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!' [scroll down for the punchline] Ken replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, But you know..................."Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'

A little mid-week chuckle from my inbox: QUESTIONS THAT HAUNT ME! Can you cry under water? How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered? Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going? Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity? Why does a round pizza come in a square box? What disease did cured ham actually have? How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage? Why is it that people say they 'slept like a baby' when babies wake up like every two hours? If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing? Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV? Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway... Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural? Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat? If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him? If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat? Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner? If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from? If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons? Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune? Why did you just try singing the two songs above? Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your butt? Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window? Why, Why, Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting dead? Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough money? Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection? Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him? Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Whose idea was it to put an 'S' in the word 'lisp'? If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes? Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try? How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures? Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over? In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? How come you never hear father-in-law jokes? The statistics on sanity is that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Paddy, a furniture dealer from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Paddy couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak a word of his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, poor Paddy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Willie Aames. And yes, quite a piece in his day: http://www.sitcomsonline.com/photopost/data/909/26911Willie_Aames1.jpg

Yeah, that book was his autobiography. (Which is a pretty good read, actually.)

I don't think there was a time I didn't know. I remember checking out guys' asses in their little league uniforms and memorizing every curve during an at-bat. And I'm not talking about the pitch. When I got to Jr. High, there was GYM CLASS (and the locker room), which has horrible and thrilling all at once. On TV, there was Flipper (Luke Halpin stripping off his shirt got my attention every time). And of course, Wild Wild West with Conrad's pants getting tighter with every episode. But I don't think I had an actual crush until the Hardee Boys. Most little girls and little gay boys had a crush on Shaun Cassidy, but I would have sold my soul for Parker Stevenson. And along the way, of course, there was Michael Ontkean in Mod Squad, Erik Estrada in CHiPS, Dirk Benedict in Battlestar Galactica and half of the men in Dynasty, Falcon Crest, and Knotts Landing. (We're all forever in debt to Aaron Spelling!) And, lets have a tip of our hat to the archetype of making a living from being pretty: Robert Wagner.

A redneck was stopped by a game warden in Central Mississippi recently with two ice chests full of fish. He was leaving a cove well-known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the redneck. 'I ain't got none of them there licenses. These here are my pet fish.' 'Pet fish?' 'Yeah. Every night, I take these here fish down to the lake and let 'em swim 'round for a while. Then, when I whistle, they jump right back into these here ice chests and I take 'em home.' 'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.' The redneck looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's the truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.' 'OK', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!' The redneck poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited. After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?' 'Well, what?,' says the redneck. The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?' 'Call who back?' 'The FISH,' replied the warden! 'What fish?,' replied the redneck. ............. Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, BUT we ain't as dumb as government employees. You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.

Glee never has been a show to watch for realism. (Where the HELL did they get that gospel choir? Why didn't they send THEM to Sectionals/Regionals/Nationals?) The show tends to fire on all cylinders only every third episode or so, and this week's wasn't one of them. The blogosphere is buzzing because apparently an extra tweeted who wins the homecoming king/queen contest.

One of the things I've always loved about that joke is that it's THISCLOSE to being an actual plot for an episode of "The Twilight Zone". Can't you just hear Rod Serling telling the story?

Dear __________________ Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns Dear Twilight Fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get an erection. Enjoy fantasizing about that. Sincerely, Logic Dear Icebergs, Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch. Sincerely, The Titanic Dear J.K. Rowling, Your books are entirely unrealistic.. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends? Sincerely, Anonymous Dear America , You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment. Sincerely, Canada Dear Yahoo, I've never heard anyone say, "I don't know, let's Yahoo! it..." just saying... Sincerely, Google Dear 2010, So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?! Sincerely, 1985 Dear Windshield Wipers, Can't touch this. Sincerely, That Little Triangle Dear Rose, There was definitely room on that raft for the both of us. Sincerely, Jack Dear girls who have been dumped, There are plenty of fish in the sea... Just kidding! They're all dead. Sincerely, BP Dear Saturn, I liked it, so I put a ring on it. Sincerely, God Dear Fox News, So far, no news about foxes. Sincerely, Unimpressed Dear Michael Jackson, You really should have become a Catholic Priest. The pay isn't great, but the benefits.... Sincerely, The Pope Dear jf;ldsfa/kvsmmklnn, Please lknvfdmv.xvn. Sincerely, Stevie Wonder Dear Nickleback, That's enough. Sincerely, The World Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids, Please make one for every skin color. Sincerely, Black people Dear Mary, Just admit that you slept with someone else. This is getting out of hand. Sincerely, Joseph Dear Osama Bin Laden, Marco.... Sincerely, United States Dear World of Warcraft, Thank you for ensuring my son's virginity. Sincerely, Parents Everywhere Dear Anne Frank, Two can play this game.... Sincerely, Waldo Dear Batman, What was your power again? Sincerely, Superman Dear Customers, Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese. Sincerely, Nail Salon Ladies Dear Americans, I'm sorry, did you just insult us? I couldn't hear you over my health care benefits. Sincerely, Canadians Dear Global Warming, You're the best imaginary friend ever! Sincerely, Al Gore Dear Ugly People, You're welcome. Sincerely, Alcohol Dear Mr. Gump WTF are you talking about? There's a little diagram on the lid that tells you EXACTLY what you're gonna get.... Sincerely, Jenny Dear Katy Perry, I liked the kiss too. Sincerely, Justin Beiber Dear Haiti , Is it too early to ask what's shakin'? Sincerely, Seriously Going To Hell Dear Martin Luther King Jr. I have a dream within a dream within a dream within another dream.... What now? Sincerely, Leonardo Di Caprio Dear World, Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars ends there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy ok? Sincerely, The Mayans Dear Snooki, GET BACK TO WORK! Sincerely, Willy Wonka Dear White People, Don't you just hate immigrants? Sincerely, Native Americans Dear Twihards, If he sparkles, he's probably one of ours Sincerely, Gay Men Of America Dear iPhone, Please stop spellchecking all of my rude words into nice words. You piece of shut. Sincerely, Every iPhone User Dear Giant Spider on the Wall, Please die. Please die. Please die. Please die. CRAP! Where did you go? Sincerely, Terrified Dear Trash, At least you get picked up... Sincerely, The Girls of Jersey Shore Dear Man, It's cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it? Sincerely, Elephant Dear Dr. Phil, Look man, there's only room for one fake doctor in this world and I was here first. Sincerely, Dr. Pepper Dear Scissors, I feel your pain.....no one wants to run with me either. Sincerely, Sarah Palin

For those of you planning your summer vacations: http://goodmenproject.com/newsroom/who-has-the-biggest-penises-in-the-world/

Watch Chord Overstreet drop his trousers on Ellen DeGeneris' show: http://www.towleroad.com/2011/03/watch-glees-chord-overstreet-shows-ellen-his-tight-end.html

Rectum stretcher While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait... The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?' To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.' 'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?' I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded. The cop stammered, 'A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?' 'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, the n with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.' 'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole? ' he asked. 'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge...'

'Glee' cast surpasses Elvis as top hit makers http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41629674/ns/today-entertainment/