Needing some advice about my hire tomorrow

[youngboldone]

Good afternoon, guys. I have my third hire tomorrow with a guy who is truly my type - a sexy muscle daddy bear who has a genuinely sweet personality. During our initial conversations, he disclosed that he is HIV positive but undetectable. At first, I balked at setting up an appointment. He noticed my reticence and patiently asked if I had any questions for him and then sent me an informative NBC news link about the recent CDC study done about the low to non-existent risk of contracting HIV if having safe sex with someone who is undetectable. At no time has he pressured me to set up an appointment. I have been trying to educate myself so that I am not letting ignorance or fear dictate my decision making.

 

Now that I'm a day away from meeting him, I admit to being a little anxious about it, so I'm looking for honest advice and answers to my questions. I always assume a hire is HIV positive and play safe anyway, but for some reason, actually knowing he is makes me feel more nervous. Based on my research so far, it seems that there is zero risk of contracting HIV from him from kissing, mutual oral, or mutual rimming. Is this correct?

 

I am not planning to bottom, but I may top him. Topping with a condom poses no risk as well, correct? (I would pull out before cumming, even though I have a condom on.)

 

I am assuming he's telling the truth when he says he's undetectable, but I've considered that may not be the case. So, worst case scenario, he is not actually undetectable....how much does the risk factor increase for these various activities?

 

One more relevant bit of information is that I am not on PrEP.

 

Am I nuts to consider doing this? I would feel bad canceling on him, but my health is more important that someone's hurt feelings. Or is line of thinking draconian and fear-based, and I really have nothing to worry about?

 

I really could use some feedback. Thanks guys!

[marylander1940]

Good afternoon, guys. I have my third hire tomorrow with a guy who is truly my type - a sexy muscle daddy bear who has a genuinely sweet personality. During our initial conversations, he disclosed that he is HIV positive but undetectable. At first, I balked at setting up an appointment. He noticed my reticence and patiently asked if I had any questions for him and then sent me an informative NBC news link about the recent CDC study done about the low to non-existent risk of contracting HIV if having safe sex with someone who is undetectable. At no time has he pressured me to set up an appointment. I have been trying to educate myself so that I am not letting ignorance or fear dictate my decision making.

 

Now that I'm a day away from meeting him, I admit to being a little anxious about it, so I'm looking for honest advice and answers to my questions. I always assume a hire is HIV positive and play safe anyway, but for some reason, actually knowing he is makes me feel more nervous. Based on my research so far, it seems that there is zero risk of contracting HIV from him from kissing, mutual oral, or mutual rimming. Is this correct?

 

I am not planning to bottom, but I may top him. Topping with a condom poses no risk as well, correct? (I would pull out before cumming, even though I have a condom on.)

 

I am assuming he's telling the truth when he says he's undetectable, but I've considered that may not be the case. So, worst case scenario, he is not actually undetectable....how much does the risk factor increase for these various activities?

 

One more relevant bit of information is that I am not on PrEP.

 

Am I nuts to consider doing this? I would feel bad canceling on him, but my health is more important that someone's hurt feelings. Or is line of thinking draconian and fear-based, and I really have nothing to worry about?

 

I really could use some feedback. Thanks guys!

 

As long as you fuck him with a condom you'll be ok. No need to pull out, just cum in the condom.

 

Is not fear, it's common sense. If we all have been wearing condoms HIV would be gone by now...

[+ OliverSaks]

As long as you fuck him with a condom you'll be ok. No need to pull out, just cum in the condom.

 

Is not fear, it's common sense. If we all have been wearing condoms HIV would be gone by now...

Except for blood transfusions (then), child birth, injection drug use...

[marylander1940]

Except for blood transfusions (then), child birth, injection drug use...

 

You forgot accidents, etc.

 

Just sayin'

[LaffingBear]

You write you always play safe regardless.... which is wise.

 

Really, that he told you is irrelevant to safety, and perhaps an indicator that hes genuinely honest and nice.

 

Top or bottom, Prep, detectability, etc... really not relevant if you're practicing safe.

 

Nothing in life is 100% certain. Would you stay home if we all reminded you that a car accident is possible on the way to see him? Or his place could catch fire?

 

Dont get in your own head. Go have fun with a guy thats your type with a sweet personality.

[+ nycman]

I understand your feelings.

 

The short version of my advice? If knowing your partner is poz is too much for you

to handle...to the point that you won’t be able to relax and have fun....then by all

means cancel.

 

My longer explanation....I’ve been in your shoes...despite having had sex with

hundreds of men....the first time I KNEW my partner was positive....I became

frozen. Rationally I knew that statistically I had to have had sex with men

who were positive. Nonetheless, when I was faced with the reality head on

it was difficult for me to handle.

 

Emotions are not rational.

 

Luckily, I was able to reassure myself and be thankful that my sexual

partner cared enough about me to be open and honest with me. This

was years before we understood that PREP and being “undetectable”

significantly reduced risks. I took a deep breath, expressed my

honest concerns....and my desire to move forward safely.

 

If I were you I’d disclose your unspoken fears to your HIV + partner.

If he’s open and willing to take it slowly, at your pace, and within

your comfort zone....I say go for it. When you really think about it

that’s good advice for any sexual partner.

 

Use protection....do things that you are comfortable with....and most

importantly relax and have fun!

Edited December 18, 2017 by nycman

[youngboldone]

Thanks guys for all the feedback and advice. He knows about my fears and has assured me that he won't let us do anything that could put me at risk. I took it as a sign that the fact that he even told me (he didn't have to do that) means he's genuinely honest and nice. He strips at a local bar I frequent, so I've gone out to see him at his shows a couple of times and interacted with him there.

 

I also started following him on Twitter, and what's giving me pause is that he was recently in Florida shooting for a bareback porn studio. There were quite a few pics and videos of him engaging in bb with a variety of guys. So now I'm not sure whether his undetectable status is even valid.

 

Sigh....I really don't want to be "that" client who sets up appointments and then cancels them. But I also don't want to throw away my hard-earned money on an encounter that I won't even enjoy because I'm so frozen with fear.

 

I really wish this hobby were more fun and not fraught with so many complex decisions. Maybe I'm just not carefree enough to truly enjoy it? God knows I'm horny enough! The irony is that, had he not told me, I would be going into this completely unaware. And I bottomed for my last hire not knowing his status. He wore a condom, but for all I know, he could be HIV +, too. Emotions aren't rational, indeed.

[Happy4Life]

As long as you play safe you will be fine. If you are worried... I always bring my own condoms that I buy that day. It makes me feel better to know I am doing everything possible to be safe. Be glad he had the confidence to be honest at the cost of losing a customer.

[adventurous old guy]

Ok, think this through. You cannot know whether anyone you hire is poz or not, so one must assume they each person you hire could be putting you at risk. Hence, if you're going to continue the hobby you need to make your peace with this risk because its unavoidable. Why not do it now -- meet the guy who has been upfront about it and work through the anxiety.

 

Another thing you could consider is going on PrEP yourself as an added layer of protection.

[coriolis888]

"Specific Criminal Laws"

 

Regarding an HIV positive person (even if undetectable) being required to inform potential sexual partners of their status. Here is an interesting read from the CDC about the issue.

 

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/policies/law/states/exposure.html

 

"It should be noted that all states have general criminal laws—such as assault and battery, reckless endangerment, and attempted murder—that can and have been used to prosecute individuals for any of the above-mentioned behaviors." - from the above referenced CDC article -

[+ OliverSaks]

"Specific Criminal Laws"

 

Regarding an HIV positive person (even if undetectable) being required to inform potential sexual partners of their status. Here is an interesting read from the CDC about the issue.

 

https://www.cdc.gov/hiv/policies/law/states/exposure.html

 

"It should be noted that all states have general criminal laws—such as assault and battery, reckless endangerment, and attempted murder—that can and have been used to prosecute individuals for any of the above-mentioned behaviors." - from the above referenced CDC article -

These laws need to be brought out from the dark ages. This only helps further the HIV stigma. Why do you think this law still criminalizes GRID?

 

These laws need to be updated to reflect HAART and PreP and U=U.

[LADoug1]

Thanks guys for all the feedback and advice. He knows about my fears and has assured me that he won't let us do anything that could put me at risk. I took it as a sign that the fact that he even told me (he didn't have to do that) means he's genuinely honest and nice. He strips at a local bar I frequent, so I've gone out to see him at his shows a couple of times and interacted with him there.

 

I also started following him on Twitter, and what's giving me pause is that he was recently in Florida shooting for a bareback porn studio. There were quite a few pics and videos of him engaging in bb with a variety of guys. So now I'm not sure whether his undetectable status is even valid.

 

Sigh....I really don't want to be "that" client who sets up appointments and then cancels them. But I also don't want to throw away my hard-earned money on an encounter that I won't even enjoy because I'm so frozen with fear.

 

I really wish this hobby were more fun and not fraught with so many complex decisions. Maybe I'm just not carefree enough to truly enjoy it? God knows I'm horny enough! The irony is that, had he not told me, I would be going into this completely unaware. And I bottomed for my last hire not knowing his status. He wore a condom, but for all I know, he could be HIV +, too. Emotions aren't rational, indeed.

 

The fact that he does BB porn would cause me great concern.

[LaffingBear]

My personal feelings are that you should follow through.

 

But if you cant get past your own anxieties, cancel.

 

Worst case... fret about it, procrastinate, etc. and cancel last minute. If nothing else, you owe it to a guy you describe as sweet to give him as much notice as possible.

[MikeBiDude]

The fact that he does BB porn would cause me great concern.

Why? Do you plan on having unsafe sex with him?

[LADoug1]

Why? Do you plan on having unsafe sex with him?

 

Maybe because I consider barebacking irresponsible. I am like the OP. I’m overly anxious about HIV.

[MikeBiDude]

Maybe because I consider barebacking irresponsible. I am like the OP. I’m overly anxious about HIV.

Understood....and I would have the OP’s concerns too.

I guess I just pick at a “nit” because we SEE a porn performer doing bareback, and say “wouldn’t meet him” but we hire, hook up, meet with others who may or may not BB, but it’s really no different in terms of taking responsibility for your safety - just because one is confirmed/viewed on a video.

[marylander1940]

The fact that he does BB porn would cause me great concern.

 

Well, actions have consequences.

 

How do yinz think he got it?

 

At least now if he's truly undetectable and his porn partners and clients are on PrEP or use a condom (hopefully both) he ain't passing it to others.

 

Sad because I know someone I used to hire who got it just months before PrEP became available. If he had only waited a little bit.

[marylander1940]

Maybe because I consider barebacking irresponsible. I am like the OP. I’m overly anxious about HIV.

 

Thank you for standing up for your principles!

 

It's unusual for someone on here to stand against the "stream".

[marylander1940]

My personal feelings are that you should follow through.

 

But if you cant get past your own anxieties, cancel.

 

Worst case... fret about it, procrastinate, etc. and cancel last minute. If nothing else, you owe it to a guy you describe as sweet to give him as much notice as possible.

 

Exactly too much drama. I'm sure we all have hired/hooked up with guys who were HIV + and didn't tell us or they didn't even know it.

[coriolis888]

 

These laws need to be brought out from the dark ages. This only helps further the HIV stigma.

 

 

I agree

 

 

Why do you think this law still criminalizes GRID?

 

 

Old law needs updating -

 

 

These laws need to be updated to reflect HAART and PreP and U=U.

 

 

I agree -

[youngboldone]

Well, I've been fretting about this all morning. I expressed my concerns and fears again to the escort when he texted to confirm our appointment this afternoon. I hate to be the last-minute guy who cancels. It's not right to do that to people, so I'm going. If nothing else, maybe it will help me wrestle with some of these issues. I'm not going to do much, if anything at all, with him. Maybe all we'll do is talk. Yes, it will be the most expensive conversation I've ever had, but at least I'll leave the session with peace of mind that I've done nothing to endanger my health. I feel pretty confident that kissing and oral are 100% safe, but I still have nagging doubts. Yes, this is too much drama, I agree. Really sucks to be so horny and have to deal with all of this.

 

Thanks again to those who have weighed in with their thoughts. The different perspectives have helped me process this.

[MikeBiDude]

Well, I've been fretting about this all morning. I expressed my concerns and fears again to the escort when he texted to confirm our appointment this afternoon. I hate to be the last-minute guy who cancels. It's not right to do that to people, so I'm going. If nothing else, maybe it will help me wrestle with some of these issues. I'm not going to do much, if anything at all, with him. Maybe all we'll do is talk. Yes, it will be the most expensive conversation I've ever had, but at least I'll leave the session with peace of mind that I've done nothing to endanger my health. I feel pretty confident that kissing and oral are 100% safe, but I still have nagging doubts. Yes, this is too much drama, I agree. Really sucks to be so horny and have to deal with all of this.

 

Thanks again to those who have weighed in with their thoughts. The different perspectives have helped me process this.

Relax and have a good time. Just talk is ok. Maybe request mutual nude massage, touch. Relax and enjoy

[MaybeMaybeNot]

I would be like the OP. However, you can have a lot of fun naked without anal, oral, or kissing. I met up with an undetectable poz guy who I chat with online. We cuddled naked, he licked several sensitive areas nowhere near my hips, we talked, cuddled naked in his hot tub, and he jacked me off. No risk, lots of fun. And, we got our needs for connection and human touch met.

[TruthBTold]

Well, I've been fretting about this all morning. I expressed my concerns and fears again to the escort when he texted to confirm our appointment this afternoon. I hate to be the last-minute guy who cancels. It's not right to do that to people, so I'm going. If nothing else, maybe it will help me wrestle with some of these issues. I'm not going to do much, if anything at all, with him. Maybe all we'll do is talk. Yes, it will be the most expensive conversation I've ever had, but at least I'll leave the session with peace of mind that I've done nothing to endanger my health. I feel pretty confident that kissing and oral are 100% safe, but I still have nagging doubts. Yes, this is too much drama, I agree. Really sucks to be so horny and have to deal with all of this.

Thanks again to those who have weighed in with their thoughts. The different perspectives have helped me process this.

 

As someone mentioned, there is plenty to do without getting fucked or fucking him. You know that you are at no risk if that is what you do (or at least you should no that). Have a good time and then when it is over maybe talk to him about seeing him BBing and what precautions he took for the film shoots. If he explains things and you are satisfied (and believe) his explanations then I think you can relax and go on to the next step. Of course, you can (must) still play safe and be at very minimal risk. There is no such thing as no risk except abstinence. So have a wonderful time and get that Xmas cheer.

[youngboldone]

So there is no risk to oral? I'm still fearful that I might ingest some pre-cum and be infected that way.