Miss Trixie Sings the Blues

[Trixie]

I don't know what it is... maybe I need a change of scenery... .

It's been many months since I've hired, just haven't found anyone who really "did it" for me, on line or in print. Plus,the last time I hired, I just didn't take any joy in the session. It was all lacklustre, old hat.

But I faithfully patrolled all the online sites these past months, and came across a gorgeous youth who was willing and able to meet my specific desires. Despite my general lack of motivation, I scheduled an appointment with him, thinking "Oh, this boy is so hot! He'll put the oompah back in my tuba!"

So last night he arrived, early in fact. He was more handsome than I could've hoped for (as they say, "better than the photos"...and how!), strong of body without looking clinically constructed, and just as nice as could be. He tried really hard, but as the time went on, I just became more and more melancholy. About 30 minutes into our session I just gave up. My heart wasn't there. I excused him, paid him a generous tip for his troubles, and blew out the candles.

I really wanted to hold him tightly, and to be held with equal fervor. I wanted to kiss him, I wanted to make love to him, I wanted to make him feel valuable, and I wanted to feel valuable too. I wanted to do all the things with him that one should not even think about when one is with an escort.

I went to bed feeling terribly lonely. I can't imagine hiring again for some time, after last night's dismal outcome. I know, having read other, similar posts, that many of us -both clients and escorts, go through periods wherein the fantasy offers no fulfillment. It's simply not enough, and it seems to actually feel damaging, rather than recreational.

I hope that I will find my "sea legs" (as in "sex legs"... sea-sex legs... no, sex-sea legs... why yes, I do have sexy legs, everybody says so...) again soon. And to the young man from last night, my apologies, and may G*d bless you, wherever you are. I wish you all the Love in the World.

 

Miss Trixie

[+ friendofsheila]

Wow. A lot to talk about and a lot to deal with, too.

 

I hope you find your way soon to whatever better place you get to next.

 

Best of luck.

[Rod Hagen]

A very good friend of mine in NYC, who doesn't hire escorts and doesn't know I escort, is only 28 years old and for several years now has been completely utterly bored with sex. It doesn't matter how hot his partner is, or the quanity and quality of the things he usually gets into become involved, he's just not into it.

 

This is a guy who during his earlier 20's would get his ass spanked and/or suck dick in the changing booth every time he entered a gay clothing store.

 

I feel very sorry for him. And you. Maybe in both cases it's nothing more mysterious, and hopefully treatable, than chemical depression?

 

http://www.RodHagen.com

310.360.9890

-Hagen

[Trixie]

Oh Rod, I wish that were the case, but I'm already eating up the happy pills. They can make the downside of life less harsh, but they can't shield one from the truth: Erotic pleasure can be so much fun, but it's only divertissement. It can't hold a candle to Love. There comes a time in life when one would like physical enjoyment to have higher aspirations than the merely vulgar.

I crave to connect with a man, body, mind and soul. I'd much rather sack out on the couch all night watching bad reality series on tv with someone I care about (and then go to sleep without sex) than spend one hot but futureless hour of (place the sexual gratification of your choice here) with some guy who's only in it for the money.

I guess I'm not looking for the heat right now, just the warmth.

 

Trix

 

(BTW... not that I blame popular culture, but one probably shouldn't play Joni Mitchell's "Hejira", Aimee Mann's "Batchelor No. 2" and Annie Lennox's "Bare" back-to-back whilst doing the dishes, cleaning, and waiting for an escort to arrive. It rather sets the wrong tone for the evening.)

[Juan Vancouver]

Far-away tight, loving hug....

 

Dear Trix,

I was deeply touched by your post, reading it in the middle of a rainy, cold vancouver night.

I have to applaud your self-awarenes when being able to realize that no happy pill, no easy fix, no testosterone-man-juice injection can alleviate "the blues, that ain't nothing but a pain in your heart..." as Mrs. Holiday very wisely used to sing, in her alcohol-blurred nights of loneliness.

In this north-american culture we are used to medicate the symptoms and then we forget to fix the cause.

Sex, (no matter how good it might be, or how gorgeous your partner, or how hung...) is a poor substitue for real deep intimacy. Nobody should try to substitue a fulfilling emotional life with a casual sexual escapade, I agree with you. Sex is there just to spark things a bit, and to explore other fields of our rich humanhood.

 

I can only share with you my own blues, and sing along with you in this rainy night.

Five years ago i was absolutely overcome with the certainty that there was no match for me; I mourned the absence of that person that I havent even met then, and was apalled by the belief that I had missed my chance. (I know, a young drama-queen, but that's how I was feeling then.)

The best advise that my mum ever gave me, was to not trying to find that ellusive other, but to be prepared for the minute he/she would appear. Not trying to focus on what I want that other to be/look-like/offer/bring to me, but what I can be myself to be able to give, share and deserve to be loved in return.

 

The time came, the special one came, and I was ready. Now of course, life's battles are of another nature; about boundaries, respect, intimacy, daily convivence.

I deeply believe -now- that there is always someone waiting for you... it is just that sometimes we don't hear the knock on the door and fail to open.

 

 

 

I just realized that I am writing all this out of the blue (or more likely out of the blues). I am not trying to preach at all... I am just sharing how once I got out of that heavy feeling of "nothing is fun anymore". (Yes, I once thought that sex was "just stupid"... -I can't believe that I am publicly writting this.)

 

I send you a tight, warm hug, and even if I am not that special one, i wish I could just go there tonight and hold you tight... and help you believe...

Wish that you can feel the far-away-hug tonight. (Snuggle up, Miss Trix) Let's sing with Billy, and Ella and Carmen, eat chocolate, watch old films, look at photographs and cry sharing old stories together... There is nothing more healthy than now and then indulging the feeling and releasing it once and for all.

 

Just remember that as Scarlett wisely said:

 

"Tomorrow is another day!"

 

Affectionately,

 

Juan

[SexualAlchemist]

Dear Ms. Trixie,

 

Indulge your boredom. Give in to it completely. Stop having or seeking sex, stop jerking off, stop looking at porn, stop fantasizing -- stop it all. One day you'll be truly horny again and the juices will flow quite naturally. (After all, we don't *need* to have sex.)

 

In the (brief) meantime:

 

1. Open your heart to the world. Join Amnesty International. Work at your local food bank. Help deliver meals to the elderly and sick. Help new immigrants find their place in a new land. There's a lot of ways to connect your heart to the heart of the world.

 

2. Open your mind to the world. Take courses in advanced calculus. Read "Voltaire's Bastards" by John Ralston Saul. Join a book club or reading group at your local library. Take up the manly art of knitting and astound your friends as you become the new Kaffe Fassett. Such a big world, and so little time to learn about all of it.

 

These things will stimulate all parts of you, and the boredom you feel with sex will find its own resolution. Then, one day soon, you'll find yourself telephoning one of the many wonderful people you've met and life will go on.

[trilingual]

Or plan a visit to Brazil, where it's not at all unheard of for stunning younger guys to be attracted to more mature men, and not necessarily for pay! :7 There's a reason so many of us are hooked on Brazil! Of course, there are endless hot escorts in Brazil, too, to tide you over until someone special comes along, but I have a feeling that as an adventurous soul you'll manage to "click" in Brazil, sooner or later, with someone you really like!

[JT Brooklyn]

IMHO..SexualAlchemist has just about said it all..Great Advice, that from Time to Time.. I am sure we all are in need of..Good Luck with All Trixie.."U ain't alone"! LOL :+

[Greathands]

I can relate to Trixie's thread, but perhaps in a different way.

 

Hiring escorts has seemed to be my "thing" over the last several years. My day begins every day by checking the daily update on this site. My friends have gotten used to helping me choose which stud I would see next ... and then couldn't wait to hear the stories afterwards. I have always felt hiring an escort was simply the wiser choice than to play the online games and "hookup" with people.

 

I am now currently sharing my life with a very wonderful man. He had a very open mind about the whole escort thing and even told me that he understood my desire, and perhaps even fascination, with hiring an escort. Since I'm not exactly a "stud" myself ... middle-aged and a bit overweight ... it was always nice to be able to hire the younger, goodlooking, well built guys that I find most attractive. My boyfriend even told me that he is okay with my occasionally seeing a hot escort. What can I say, he certainly is a catch!

 

So I've continued my daily review of this site, looking to see what hot guys are out there that may catch my attention. But it has been months since I've seen anyone that has captured my attention enough to hire them.

 

Reading Trixie's thread today made me realize how much experiencing love with someone and just having them sleep next to me is so much hotter than a sexual romp.

[Bilbo]

Ah, Miss Trixie, so much good advice you've been given already. Sorry that on one brief thread we cannot give you as much good advice and pleaure as we have been given by you on many, many threads.

 

I know I am always pushing Body Electric at people, but it's my corner of the world right now. You would be surprised at how intimate you can become with strangers in just one weekend (the first class) or one week. And how refreshed. And how much a part of a tribe.

 

We have a tribe here, but for so many, they have brought into the tribe an us and a you, the clients and the escorts, and they don't see how interchangeable the two roles really can be. And a hug from a fellow client, is it suspect because you know he'd rather be with a younger, more gorgeous you? (It probably shouldn't be.) And a hug from an escort brother, is it suspect because you know he does that for a living? (It probably shouldn't be.) Like Juan, I send you cuddling.

 

And, like you, like Juan, I am sometimes there myself. I sometimes tease Maverick about being my own little JAP. And many Leather clients and most bodywork clients are concentrated on their own cocks and tend to forget you have one. Or so it can seem for a week at a time, maybe two. And, yes, intimacy helps us get over it. But it doens't have to be the intimacy of having a lover, it can be the intimacy which comes from building a community together.

 

Mabybe it's just time to have someone tickle you for a change? }(

[+ Charlie]

Trix, I feel your Weltschmerz.

[joel304]

Trixie,

 

We both live in SF and I feel the same way. The more I talk with others, I find that we're not alone. I have had so many conversations with people (gay and straight) recently revolving around how lonely it can be here, and how difficult it is to meet people of substance. Perhaps moving to a city lacking the extremes of SF might do us both a bit of good. As far as the escorts, perhaps it's time to quit!

 

Have you noticed the number of "Hooboy get togethers" lately? I feel like there might be a few others here that enjoy the sex with escorts, but hurt when they close the door. There are a lot of lonely people hiring, looking for romance and companionship. There's a no more effective way to reaffirm lonliness, than paying the check and closing the door.

[Trixie]

Thanks sooo much you guys, for the support, commiseration, and advice! To borrow a line from Chuck, Hugs to all of you!

There's a trick to my life, and a lesson that I must keep reminding myself... to keep in balance the many seemingly disparate parts of my dadaist sexuality. There's the fetish (that ticklin' thang), which is the reason I hire escorts, although I always try to enjoy a goodly amount of more conventional eroticism during these sessions as well. And that fetish has it's own fetish as well, in that it desires subjects who're.. well, of a certain "hyper-masculine" type. The blue-collar, the punkish, the thuggish, the macho... these are the boys I like to make writhe and giggle. It's all very mental, a high akin to (and better than) sex, but frequently not involving any known "material" sexual organ. Other than that mysterious grey matter, that is.

Then there's the more traditional avenues of sexual gratification. Always lovely, but rarely do they contain that dark, hidden heat that produces diamonds of euphoria (only others with very specific fetishes might understand this allusion.).

And then, there's intimacy. Being with a person comfortably, physically yet not really sexually. Someone who'll lie on top of you all evening watching sitcoms until your extremeties go delightfully numb. Someone who'll scratch that part of your back you can't ever quite reach, who'll complain about your cooking but eat it anyway, someone who'll also be too tired for sex frequently, but will be there to curl up with like two spoons in a drawer for the night.

 

I'm not bored with sex, no indeed. I might be bored with fetishistic sex. Because if I don't keep it well-regulated it does become a crashing bore, a glutton, an unwelcome guest. And that is the situation I'm in now, I think. It's all the more frustruating because I can't just choose a face off the internet to satisfy this need... my fetish has made me lazy, and dull. Heigh-ho, heigh-ho... off to work I must go.

Who is it on this board who has the quip about "experience" being what you get when you don't get what you really wanted? I love that line!

 

Miss Trix

[Paul Revere]

Trix;

 

I understand where you are, and I identify with it. You have received many great suggestions from the other posters. I understand getting to the point where the thrill is gone, and we are seeking more emotionally than the escort experience can provide. Boyfriend-for-an-hour has many advantages, but it also has limits.

 

Might I be presumptious and add another suggestion? You mentioned that you are "popping the happy pills". You might want to re-consider or review the use of anti-depressants. While they can reduce the deep depressions, thier process of "leveling one off" tends to also mute the highs that one may experience. Continued use and dependence on anti-depressants can make you numb to most anything over time. You may want to review this with your doctor or shrink or both. Use of anti-depressants for a temporary situation can be valuable, but except in rare cases, long term use can become conterproductive. Maybe the you can get revived if you go back to your natural self and you rely on exercise and good diet rather than pharmaceuticals? I know we are looking for the magic pill to solve our problems, but maybe the pills are not only not working anymore, but they may be hindering your happiness.

[jackhammer91406]

Singing in the backup choir

 

Miss Trixie,

When I first read your post, I thought of several friends who have been going through a similar thing. Then I realized, it was also what I had been through at various times (although without the purdy legs).

It got me to thinking, and I don't know that I have it all sorted out even now.

But your heartfelt post did more to cheer me up than anything I have read here in a long time. WHY? Because it made me realize...I AM NOT ALONE AFTER ALL.

There is someone else who has the same emptiness I often feel.

You got so many good suggestions in this thread . I am really glad you posted. It is eveidence of what I have said many times....that this board can be incredibly theraputic if we choose to reach out.

 

Blessings

(apologies for any mispelled words, but haven't been able to load the spellcheck for firefox) ;(