..........Forever Came Today......

[Godiva]

........15 or so yrs ago I remember sitting in a diner with my cousin enjoying the food. I began to notice some loud talking behind me. There was an elderly man in between what I gathered his daughter and her husband. After more loud talking.. I learned that they were on the way to take the man to a nursing home. The commotion was that the man changed his mind and wanted to stay in his house. He was crying..his daughter was crying and the husband was angry shouting at him telling him that it has been decided by the family and he was going whether he liked it or not. The elderly man did not want to go and began making a scene.

 

I turned to my cousin and we both cried our eyes out.

 

..I saw myself as the old man whose kids are putting him away...I saw myself as the child who cried and didn't have the heart to say anything and I also saw myself as the man who had to take charge and be firm.

 

...We both got up and left. I remember praying that night that my parents remain healthy and live forever.

 

Well Forever Came Today....My family has decided that its best to put our dad in a nursing home. We will be pulling him out of a home he built and raised his kids for over 55 yrs. He is in sound mind but cannot take care of himself. He needs medical attention round the clock. I know its the right thing to do but I feel like we let him down.

 

Be prepared my friends that this has become more of a reality as our elderly population continues to grow and live longer. I would love to hear how some of you have experienced this sad transition of life.

 

Peace

G

[PacNW]

My heart goes out to you. My dad passed away last year after more than a year in a nursing home following a stroke. You haven't let him down; you're doing the best thing for him. It is not your fault that 21st century society is not set up the way it was a century ago. For many reasons families don't function in the way they used to and it is more and more likely that there isn't going to be a relative who can provide at-home care for the elderly. Don't beat yourself up for not being able to act as if you're in some fuzzy nostalgic past that was unlikely to happen. You've made a real-life present-day decision that is the best that can be made under the circumstances.

[Guest sniper]

I'm sorry to hear of your father's situation.

For me the answer was a live-in aide M-F and me on the weekends, with help from the siblings(well one of the siblings - the others were all wrapped up in their problems) but I also knew my mother likely only had a year or so. I had looked at the nursing homes in the area - even the really good ones - and just couldn't do it. So I took out a loan for my 401(k), took part time family leave and kept her in the house. It was the hardest thing I ever did though.

 

I assume you have already run the numbers in reaching your decision, but it can often be the case that a live-in aide is a LOT cheaper than a nursing home. If you are close enough to check in periodically maybe that is an option?

 

Good luck.

[eastbayguy]

>Be prepared my friends that this has become more of a reality

>as our elderly population continues to grow and live longer. I

>would love to hear how some of you have experienced this sad

>transition of life.

 

Oh gosh, I empathize totally. My mom is in a nursing home back in Kansas. She lived on her own for a long, long time. Finally, her condition worsened and she required increasing care. Being an only child, taking care of her has taken quite a bit of my time (and money). This isn't what either of us wanted for her. It isn't how she wanted the end of her life to play out. My hope is that she doesn't linger on indefinitely like this.

 

Watching all of this develop has been most difficult.

 

--EBG

[bigguyinpasadena]

Godiva I can totaly empathise with you.My current job has involved 4 seniors in the family.One became "unmanageable"because of alzheimers and was sent to a home,2 were able to stay at home till they died,and both of these involved a lot of care from family and hired help.And one keeled over while on his treadmill at 86.The last was the toughest on the family as far as grief,the other three were all long goodbyes.

My Parents,and I am sure there are many here who are in the same boat,have limited means and have made no plans as to the future.I was raised in a household where the discussion of money was considered taboo and this taboo continues today despite pleas from the 2 siblings likely to be involved in all of this-my older sister and myself.I see this as a potential firestorm which will cause havoc amongst my 3 siblings,one or two parents and myself-one that I really wish could be avoided.I am angry as I type this as to how selfish and stubborn my folks can be.

Speaking of selfish,I have decided not to participate in the "long goodbye"and have made that wish clear to several friends and family members.

[bigguyinpasadena]

Godiva I can totaly empathise with you.My current job has involved 4 seniors in the family.One became "unmanageable"because of alzheimers and was sent to a home,2 were able to stay at home till they died,and both of these involved a lot of care from family and hired help.And one keeled over while on his treadmill at 86.The last was the toughest on the family as far as grief,the other three were all long goodbyes.

My Parents,and I am sure there are many here who are in the same boat,have limited means and have made no plans as to the future.I was raised in a household where the discussion of money was considered taboo and this taboo continues today despite pleas from the 2 siblings likely to be involved in all of this-my older sister and myself.I see this as a potential firestorm which will cause havoc amongst my 3 siblings,one or two parents and myself-one that I really wish could be avoided.I am angry as I type this as to how selfish and stubborn my folks can be.

Speaking of selfish,I have decided not to participate in the "long goodbye"and have made that wish clear to several friends and family members.

[Guest RandyRon]

Godiva,

 

Anyone that has gone through this can sympathize with you. Had to do it with both of my parents several years ago. With my father, my mother, brother and myself were able to care for him for quite a long time. When he began to lose touch with reality, he became violent and we couldn't leave him alone with my mother. He was in the hospital when we made the very tough decision to place him in a nursing home. The day he was to go he had a cerebral hemorrhage and died. I think it was a release for him and for the family.

 

We were able to use sitters to help us keep my mother at home until just the last month of her life when she needed nursing around the clock. When the time came, she had a wonderful doctor who knew her wishes and refused to put her on the machines. Even in the best of circumstances, this is a trying time. Just dont't beat yourself up over this very difficult decision.

[+ Charlie]

Godiva, I understand exactly what you are feeling. My partner and I both have or had mothers who lived beyond the point of being able to live on their own. His mother went first to live with one of his married brothers, but he died suddenly. Then the family arranged for her to live in her own house with home health aides, but that turned out to be unreliable. Finally, she had to be put in a nursing home, but she couldn't understand why she was there and kept attempting to leave. Visiting her was a very upsetting experience for everyone. They all felt guilty, yet there really was no alternative, since there was no family household that was suitable for her. Her death came as a relief for everyone, probably including herself.

 

My mother lived on her own till she was 89 and developed breast cancer. Thinking that her life was near an end, we brought her to live with us. Instead, she recovered, but after five years I was experiencing disturbing stress symptoms from trying to look after her and work fulltime. At 94, at her instigation, she moved to an assisted living facility, where she was moderately happy. Eventually, however, her physical condition deteriorated to the point that they said she would have to move into a nursing home. She was extremely upset about it, but there was no alternative other than to bring her back to live with us (I'm an only child); we would need to buy a differently configured house, and I couldn't imagine myself as a 24 hour caregiver, so I reluctantly agreed to the move. She is still there, relatively unhappy, aged 101, with no end in sight. Although everyone assures me I did the right thing, I can't help feeling miserable about it.

 

I don't like to think about the future, although I know I must deal with it. My partner is several years older than I am, and already having health problems, so I expect that eventually I will have to take some of the same responsibilities and make some of the same decisions about him. And if I live long enough, someone--I don't know who--will have to make those decisions about me. That's life, so try not to beat yourself up about it.

[Epigonos]

Godiva

 

Just reading you thread has me in tears all over again. Nearly ten years ago my mother, at age 89, experienced a series of mini-strokes. While she was still in the hospital her doctor infomed my sister and me that she would no longer be able to live on her own. We began an immediate search for a "nice" nursing home. After each visit we found ourselves in a flood of tears. The whole experience was, believe it or not, made worse by the fact that our mother kept saving that she would go anywhere because she didn't want to be a burden to us. Finally we spoke to the doctor again about our unhappiness with the nursing homes we had visited and to our great and everlasting joy he informed us that he hadn't meant a nursing home but rather an assisted living home. We found a wonderful place where she had her own small apartment with meals provided in a lovely dining room and she was a helped with her medication. A year later, at age 91, she died in her sleep. We were devistated yet happy that her last year had been a happy one and that she had not suffered.

All of us who have experienced this situation sent your our profound best wishes and love

[Karl-G]

Godiva,

 

I can also understand and empathize with you. It is a very difficult situation. You do the best you can.

 

My mother, in her mid 90s, had a series of strokes and heart attacks, leaving her fragile but alert. We looked at nursing homes, etc. and decided to try everything possible as alternatives. We are lucky. My mother lives in a large city where there are a number of women, usually new immigrants, who are competent and intelligent, and for whom room and board and a salary is attractive. We have a live-in companion for my mother who stays 24 hrs a day and who cooks and does minor housecleaning (although we ask nothing in this regard)and just is there to help my mother to do everything and stay alert. She can still do everything, but needs some help with everything. It is not cheap, but it is less expensive than a nursing home. But we also feel that my mother enjoys her surroundings and feels comfortable and not disoriented. She frequently comments on how much she enjoys staying in her own home.

 

It is a very difficult situation that many of us face.

[OneFinger]

Godiva,

 

I also want to echo how tough this situation is. My parents were lucky enough to spend most of their last days at home. My mother, unfortunately, went to the hospital for out-patient radiation treatment and spent her last 3-weeks in the hospital. It wasn't what she wanted but knew she was too sick to leave. Thank goodness the hospital let the family in to see her 24/7 (including my dog who dearly loved her).

 

My dad, sister, and myself (with the dog) set up shifts and we made sure she was never alone. But it was the toughest 3-weeks of my life. Thank goodness for Bill Clinton and his Family Medical Leave Act. That allowed my sister and myself to take time off work and attend to more important matters.

 

My father had in-home Hospice care for the last 18 months of his life. But, that too required a lot of family support.

 

However, I know there are times when in-house care is not possible or practical. My dog and I are currently volunteers at a local nursing home. I'm always amazed at the caring and concern of the nursing home staff. They treat their guests like valued members of the family. I know there is a stigma associated with nursing home care. But, in my experience, there are some quality homes that really provide a service that often can't be achieved at home.

 

For all the Hoovillians out there I have one question. Do you have long-term care insurance? At $3,500 per month (plus meds), you've got to have long-term care insurance to ensure you can receive quality care. And, you should apply for this while you are still young and healthy. The older you get the harder it is to qualify for coverage.

 

Good luck, Godiva, with your personal journey. There are times when there is no other choice but a nursing home. Make the best of a bad situation by visiting often and trying to arrange for off-site visits or trips (if possible).

[Godiva]

.Forever Came Today...

 

If you all could put your ears to your computer monitors you would hear me exhale..

 

 

Just reading through all of your situations has made me aware of how blessed I am in many ways and how many unsung angels we have here.

 

In my peer group..I have noticed that these types of situations generally fall on the shoulders of the single siblings in the family or and in many cases...gay siblings. I have 4 friends who are responsible for the caregiving of their elderly parents. The all come from rather large families. The burden fell on their shoulders because they are single and have no families or responsibilities. I know this is a generalization but this is from my peer group. I am almost certain that if my dad was well enough to stay home I would be the one to care for him even tho I have many married siblings.

 

 

Sharing your personal stories has helped me more than you will ever know.

 

My Sincere Thanxs......

G

[Guest skrubber]

RE: .Forever Came Today...

 

My father never went into a nursing home but my mother and grandfather did. My grandfather fought it all the way and ended up walking off from the home only to be found a week later dead under a porch. My mother, thankfully, went without a scrap- she was wheelchair bound and needed constant attention. Also , thankfully, my sister was a head nurse where we put her so everything went fine until she also died.

[CT Dick]

You remind me of the worst Easter of my life when we had to confront my grandmother with the need to go into elderly housing. She threw her walker at my mother.

 

Fortunately, it turned out to be a good choice. In her apartment, my grandmother's week revolved around watching the Dumpster being emptied.

 

In the home she made friends and enjoyed herself in the last years of her life.

 

I hope your story has a happy ending, too.

 

Dick

[FLJohn]

I guess I am pretty lucky. About 7 years ago my Father decided that he and my Mother were moving into a rest home. My Mother was not very pleased. Now I have to admit that, as rest homes go, it looks more like a large condominium (with much, much older people), swimming pools and an 18 hole golf course.

 

But, of course, there is the progress to assisted living to intensive care. But so far my Father can still drive (I have followed him to watch his driving). Even though they are still in the "condominium" section and are still active, it can't be that much longer. When my Father can't drive (they go out for lunch every single day and have their 2 martini lunch) that will be the end. I join them 3 or 4 times a week, but their martini lunches are the highlight of their day.

 

I thought I would be able to help until the end, as sad as it would be, until it turned out, due to a long ago automobile accident, I have been diagnosed with trigeminal neuralgia, spinal stenosis, sciatica, scoliosus (sp), fibromyalgia and anything else you can think of. Probably the meds are worse than anything. So far I have kept most of this from them but they are now needing more and more of my help. Sure they have total care, if needed, but they are getting more and more frail daily. Not that they need me all the time but they assume I will get them to their doctor's appointments, etc. if needed. Unfortunately, with all the medications I now have to take, I need about 10 hours sleep, so I hope to have some time in advance when thay will need my help. Driving on Oxycodone is not my choice!

 

Well, that is not anyone's problems here. I just don't want to make more problems for my parents in the end of their lives. I guess the title was "Forever Came Today".

 

Would't it be nice if there was such a place for single gay guys to live out the rest of their lives comfortably.

[Godiva]

Forever Came Today

 

Again thanxs for sharing your stories.

 

Those of you who had other siblings in your family yet you turned out to be the caregiver...is there any resentment toward the other siblings or has that faded with time.

 

G

[OneFinger]

RE: Forever Came Today

 

Godiva,

 

My situation was just the opposite of what you describe. My sister lived 1 mile from my parents and I lived 2,000+ miles away.

 

At the time I not sure I fully appreciated all the pressure that was on her in my absence. I did come back for 3-4 months at a time to help out and assist. But things reverted back to her when I had to return back to my home.

 

Before my parents death the relationship with my sister was somewhat strained. She resented them constantly talking about their vacations to my home and the way they'd get excited when I come into town. In some respects, I think my parents took her availability for granted and probably never acknowledged how much she helped them.

 

After the death of the final parent, our relationship changed drastically. There was no longer the sibling revelry and jockeying to get the parental attention. We both realized we were now orphans and the only immediate family we had left were each other.

 

Dividing the estate and belongings went without any problems. It was fair and equitable. I've since moved back to the area where my sister and her family live. We have a strong and healthy relationship. I really didn't expect that to happen.

 

In my case, my sister and myself both changed. We put the past behind us and enjoy being around each other.

[noviceny]

RE: Forever Came Today

 

Godiva,

 

First, I want to say how sorry I am for you and yours, and hope that your relationships become stronger through this difficult time.

 

You had asked :

 

>Those of you who had other siblings in your family yet you turned out to be the caregiver...is there any resentment toward the other siblings or has that faded with time.<

 

I was in kind of the opposite situation from One Finger. I was living in Asia when my mom got cancer (in NY). My sister and her husband lived 5 miles away and my brother lived about 2 miles away. My brother is a huge pothead among other stuff, so we knew he didnt have the capacity to help. My sister and her husband are successful advertisers, but I guess they had their own lives to lead, cause I had to break my contract and come back to the US to help my mom (and my dad). Was I pissed ? I didnt realize it at the time, but yup, I was fucken heated !! At the wake, I blew up at my sister cause she wanted us (all the guys of the family) to carry my mom's casket. I told her that I couldnt cause I was already really sad and also had to do a reading and other shit, and didnt feel like I would even be able to stand much less carry a casket. She bitched and I went off saying where was she was mom was dying (actually she was in CA) while my dad and I were there as she passed away, with more than a bit of trouble...she had a lot of pain. Anyway, shit calmed down when I found out that we had to pay the ushers to carry the casket, and I said, "Fuck that...Ill carry her myself fr that amount !!" We laughed and things were better.

 

That was in 1998...Now I am not as pissed but I am still dealing with the emotional aftermath of watching my mom die...my sister and brother were not there for all of the daily shit...I will not go in to the details, but no one should have to watch their mom turn yellow (from liver cancer) and die.

 

There is one great part to all of this. My parents adopted my brother, sister and I. I have always been warmed by the fact that we were chosen...yes, most of you were probably accidents :-)

By helping my mom and dad in such a deep and meaningful way, I have felt like I kind of repaid a bit of what they gave to me. The fact that I gave so much love over such a long period of time (through cancer, remission, then reassertion of the cancer, then death) makes me realize that I am kind of great...I am not just one of those guys who talks about how big his heart...I show it. I now know the strength and endurance of my love...I also believe that those I love are lucky to have a person like me in their lives. I hope that the same realization comes to you, if it has not already.

 

PS I also get to feel superior over my brother and sister and get to put in mean little jabs at the holidays :-) :-) just kidding

 

Peace to you and your family

[Godiva]

Forever Came Today

 

Thanxs noviceny for sharing your story..

 

I have spoken to some of my siblings already and asked them are they doing this for him or are they doing this for themselves. They are so wrapped up in their own lives that they can't see how this all is affecting their decisions.

 

My saving grace is that I became closer to my parents in their old age so all this is less of a shock to me. Dealing with their age issues is a first for many of my siblings since they all bolted from home and rarely came back.

 

I do suspect we will go through the resentment phase. I only hope we will recover from it as there are nieces and nephews involved.

 

G

[Epigonos]

Your sibling question hit another button. When my mother went into an assisted living home I was working and my sister was a stay at home housewife. Her children were grown and out of the house. She lived about a mile from the home where our mother was staying. She went by to see her every day like clock work. I lived about five miles away and went by once a week and took mother out to have her hair done and then to dinner. At a certain point my sister became upset because she was the major care giver and responsible for all doctor appointments, medicare paper work and dealing with the administration at the home. Fortunately we have always been good friends as well as siblings so she mention her frustration to me. We talked over the situation and agreed that she would set up some of our mothers appointments for the late afternoon so I could be of assistance. The most important word here is COMMUNICATION and it is the responsibility of the major care giver to let the others know that help is needed and just what they can and should do. I can only hope that your siblings are willing to help.

[FLJohn]

RE: Forever Came Today

 

>Godiva,

>

>First, I want to say how sorry I am for you and yours, and

>hope that your relationships become stronger through this

>difficult time.

>

>You had asked :

>

>>Those of you who had other siblings in your family yet you

>turned out to be the caregiver...is there any resentment

>toward the other siblings or has that faded with time.<

>

>I was in kind of the opposite situation from One Finger. I

>was living in Asia when my mom got cancer (in NY). My sister

>and her husband lived 5 miles away and my brother lived about

>2 miles away. My brother is a huge pothead among other stuff,

>so we knew he didnt have the capacity to help. My sister and

>her husband are successful advertisers, but I guess they had

>their own lives to lead, cause I had to break my contract and

>come back to the US to help my mom (and my dad). Was I pissed

>? I didnt realize it at the time, but yup, I was fucken

>heated !! At the wake, I blew up at my sister cause she

>wanted us (all the guys of the family) to carry my mom's

>casket. I told her that I couldnt cause I was already really

>sad and also had to do a reading and other shit, and didnt

>feel like I would even be able to stand much less carry a

>casket. She bitched and I went off saying where was she was

>mom was dying (actually she was in CA) while my dad and I were

>there as she passed away, with more than a bit of

>trouble...she had a lot of pain. Anyway, shit calmed down

>when I found out that we had to pay the ushers to carry the

>casket, and I said, "Fuck that...Ill carry her myself fr that

>amount !!" We laughed and things were better.

>

>That was in 1998...Now I am not as pissed but I am still

>dealing with the emotional aftermath of watching my mom

>die...my sister and brother were not there for all of the

>daily shit...I will not go in to the details, but no one

>should have to watch their mom turn yellow (from liver cancer)

>and die.

>

>There is one great part to all of this. My parents adopted my

>brother, sister and I. I have always been warmed by the fact

>that we were chosen...yes, most of you were probably accidents

>:-)

>By helping my mom and dad in such a deep and meaningful way, I

>have felt like I kind of repaid a bit of what they gave to me.

> The fact that I gave so much love over such a long period of

>time (through cancer, remission, then reassertion of the

>cancer, then death) makes me realize that I am kind of

>great...I am not just one of those guys who talks about how

>big his heart...I show it. I now know the strength and

>endurance of my love...I also believe that those I love are

>lucky to have a person like me in their lives. I hope that

>the same realization comes to you, if it has not already.

>

>PS I also get to feel superior over my brother and sister and

>get to put in mean little jabs at the holidays :-) :-) just

>kidding

>

>Peace to you and your family

 

noviceny, that was heartwarming. Thankyou.

[mrbozzly]

Godiva,

 

I also want to send good thoughts your way during this difficult time. I've read all of these messages with great interest. I know this is something I'll likely face with my parents one day. I've even had the thought, "I hope I die before my parents". But then I was immediately ashamed at such a selfish thought. I always hear it's the worst thing for a parent to have to deal with a child's passing. (and I really have no desire to go anytime soon) I'm lucky to still have a grandparent alive in assisted living. This place is so nice I have an Uncle that jokes he's ready to move in too. Anyway, just want to echo thanks for everyone's stories. Reading them seems to make me a little less fearful of the future.

[Godiva]

Forever Came Today

 

I agree Mr Bozzly..

 

Re-reading these posts have become theraputic for me.

 

G