Odd reactions when he comes..

[Spida]

I have had an incredible couple of weeks, it has been great for my ego and just for myself. I met an incredible guy and have been seeing him. He is a bit younger but not much, he is cute and smart and we can talk for hours. That is all the good stuff of course there is other stuff.

 

I have never been in a relationship before with another guy, he asked me if we were boyfriends so I am assuming he likes me :-) We started out talking for hours and ended with phone sex a few times. As soon as we were finished he was quiet and I could tell wasn't happy, so I asked and he stated that he didn't want to have a relationship just for sex. When we are together it is so hot, we can't keep our hands off each other and sex is the best I have ever had, and he is either an great actor or enjoying it also. Immediately hard both of us when we kiss or even touch. The problem is as soon as he cums he is quiet and feels guilty! He stated again he wanted more than sex (which we have!) and doesn't want me to think he is just looking for sex. He is as I stated more conservative than I am (well most people are) :-)

 

He is very out with his family and friends, much more than I am. I am confused I asked him about it and he says he is okay but then feels bad again. So I guess we shouldn't have sex?? I would like it to workout but I have to say quite frankly I don't want to ever feel bad after sex. hmm.. Any suggestions??

[hiJinX]

He wants to know that you have feelings for him beyond the erections you both get in each others presence. Sounds like he is relationship oriented and feels like he doesnt know where he stands with you.

Dont be afraid to have feelings for him (and let him know that) even if you don't want to be his "boyfriend" or be serious yet. Make your comfort zone known to him.

[+ Charlie]

He may describe what he feels as guilt, but it is more likely frustration because you seem to be satisfied with the good sex. He isn't. He is looking for "a relationship", which is a complete package of things, just as many young women focus more on getting married than on who they are married to. My guess is that if you told him you didn't want to have sex any more, because you didn't want to make him feel "guilty," but just wanted to be good friends and see whether something deeper could develop over time, he would disappear pretty quickly, hunting again for a "boyfriend."

 

I hope this doesn't sound cynical, but I think it's realistic. You two need to do a lot more serious talking about your desires and expectations.

[guptasa1]

You say he's conservative, and a conservative upbringing might have to do with that.

 

When I first discovered masturbation, I was a Christian (raised in a Christian family; went to a Christian high school; went to a Christian college), and at the time, I believed all of it (I don't anymore, but that's beside the point.). For me, what would happen is, I would get horny and justify it at the time without too much a problem, then masturbate, and right after cumming feel HORRIBLE guilt and regret. I'd always vow (since the incredible urge for sex was gone) never to do it again, and the next night...it would start all over again.

 

Maybe this person is experiencing something similar. Possibly because of his background or whatever...

 

When you're horny, it feels so right you don't worry about it, but after you cum, that desire and need can completely disappear, leaving you with all the intellectual baggage and that alone. If the two are conflicting, there's the problem.

 

The good news is, with reinforcement, I think this pattern can be changed. I'd focus on why he feels bad and reinforcing that wanting to have sex isn't a bad thing.

 

This is all just my opinion, but having been in a similar situation, I hope it's helpful.

[OneFinger]

I have to agree that I think this is part of an extreme guilt as a result of a conservative religious background.

 

I was raised in a religion where masturbation was forbidden (and the Bishop asked us about it at least once a year) and homosexuality was the sin next to murder.

 

Be patient. It will probably take him some time to feel comfortable about his sexual activity. But, I'm a perfect example of someone who has shed their religious past and come to thoroughly enjoy a gay lifestyle.

[hiJinX]

Just to reiterate and not getting lost in the "religious beliefs bad" and kind of sidestepping the implication that "coming fully into the gay lifestyle" neccesitates sex without relationship (which was probably unintentional), I still think your partner has given you the crux of the issue in his statement that he doesnt want a relationship based solely on sex. He is no doubt reminded that he may be comprimising that standard everytime you complete a sex act. I think you realise this is an important issue for him because you bring it up yourself.

 

You've gotta just to him.

[Spida]

HiJinx and everyone else,

 

Thanks so much, I think it may be a relationshop related issue, however, he does have very bad guilt about everything I tell him it is his 13 years in catholic school!

 

I have to say I really like him and this is a new relationship and really my first gay relationship so I am absolutely sure that I basically have no idea what I am doing. I guess it is me that is confused not him, I think he wants me to stop when we are getting to that point I guess sort of a reassurance that it isn't all about sex, we have great times outside of sex also, I just automatically thought that having great times sexually added so much more to the relationship. It is a new relationship and if we don't work it out then at least hearts were not completely involved yet. The strange thing is that I am very relationship oriented, while in Montreal I was so jealous of the guys walking down the streets with their partners or in the clubs with their partners. I wasn't jealous of the cute guys who could take anyone home, I don't want a one night stand, I think that is why I use escorts at times when I am not in a relationship. That is not my thing I have done it and I would rather pay someone (I don't know if that is strange??).

 

One thing I realized with women and men when you get into some type of relationship even if it is short, if you are honest with yourself you can learn so much about yourself. It has been fun and a great ego boost and I have found some great and some disappointing things out about myself. Last night was very strange with us so I don't know if it is going to go any further if not then that is okay I will be sad but it was fun and I will bring things out of it that will just make myself better. And there is always Halloween in NOLA!

[Guest RandyRon]

I had an affair with a similar type of guy when I was an undergrad. Sammy and I had known each other for about two years when one evening we just sort of found ourselves in bed sucking each other's cocks. The sex was great and we continued to be companions almost every day; going to movies, dinner, ball games, etc.

 

After a couple of weeks of nightly sex, Sammy started sliding messages under my dorm door in the morning. The notes would go on and on about how we could never do this again, it was wrong, etc. That night he would come knocking on the door wanting to go for a romp. After a few of these messages, I finally told him that if he left another one, he could forget about the sex. He stopped the messages and we had a great relationship (sexually and otherwise)for the remainder of our college days.

 

One side effect was to make me leary of another Jewish boyfriend because the religious bit seemed to be his hangup. I got over that when I moved to New York and met a wonderfully hairy assed Jewish guy who loved to sit on my face and didn't leave any messages the next morning.

[jackhammer91406]

Growing when growing UP

 

First, I gotta say your post made my heart smile as I remembered how far you have come in the last year and a half. The situation you describe is the next step. I have to come down on the side which says your friend is sending signals that he wants more verbal assurances from you that this is the beginnings of something more than just fantastic sex. Oh sure, he may have some "conservative guilt" issues he is confronting, but my guess is that more positive feedback from you (verbal and otherwise) will go a long way toward alleviating those hang ups.

Bottom line, the growing of erections has to move into more expanded growth. As you both spend more time with each other, you will grow together as a unit, (and boy HOWDY, that's something I am very happy about for you!)

AHhh, youth. You are a great guy, full of life and energy, and your friend is very lucky that you think enough of him to try to make all things right.

Best of luck buddy.

[Spida]

RE: Growing when growing UP

 

Jackhammer,

 

Thank you so much for your kind words! It has been a great ride in the last year and half and I never want to go back! I have been talking to him more and it is very nice, fortunately I would say he had to work quite a bit in the last few days so besides a quick peck and about 10 mins together we just spoke on the phone (I had a busy weekend also). It all seems good right now, we'll see though. I want to thank everyone for the advice and allowing me to see it from his prospective. And Jackhammer great to see you back on the board!

[Guest Merlin]

RE: Growing when growing UP

 

There is a chemical change after orgasm. I quickly lose interest in sex for awhile. He may be experiencing an unusual change, without perhaps realizing that it is chemical. If he stays over night, does he recover his previous outlook in time? I doubt that there is any "cure" for it, but if you could help him to realize that it is a temporary hormonal change, it would probably be less significant to him.