Why Jesus would be a bad escort.

[+ purplekow]

A great escort (name edited out as I am not sure if he wants to be associated with this heresy) and I had a wonderful overnight and during our time together, actually at times when you would not think this kind of conversation would be going on, he and I came up with a Top Ten Reasons That Jesus Would Be a Bad Escort. So here is out Christmas Top 10

 

Why Jesus Would Be a Bad Escort:

 

10 Doesn't look like his pictures

9 There are claims he has been in many different places but the only people who say they have seen him are a bit crazy

8 When you ask for his body, he hands you a piece of bread

7 Claims are he is 33 but he seems to have been around for much longer

6 Doesn't answer requests promptly

5 When you scream out: "Oh God" he says: "Leave my family out of this"

4 He really does not enjoy being nailed. Says it is a sacrifice.

3 Doesn't appear to be well hung

2 Messiah Complex

1 Takes three days to rise again

 

And the Ultimate Reason Jesus would be a bad escort:

 

No reviews on Daddy's.

 

So anyone else care to venture reasons why Jesus would be a bad escort. If the escort in question would like to take credit or blame for some of this please do.

[TruthBTold]

LOL!! Have never seen an ass pic.

[+ purplekow]

LOL!! Have never seen an ass pic.

Very nice.

[geminibear]

Smells of fish and wine

[+ purplekow]

No second Coming.

[AdamSmith]

Answers each of your questions about him with a question in return.

[geminibear]

Never met a leper he didn't like .....

[AdamSmith]

Attracts too much attention from the authorities.

[geminibear]

always telling parables! .....less talk more cock kid.

[AdamSmith]

(Credit to pk's #4) Always saying "You call this getting nailed?"

[seaboy4hire]

Jesus is rolling in his grave. If he were real.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[+ Keith30309]

Lube poured into his palm falls thru the hole.

[+ Keith30309]

Cannot fist because he constantly bites at his nails.

[+ Keith30309]

Hangs out with 12 guys and still can't get laid.

 

(And not one is named Cody, Steve, Alec, Jon or Stallion)

[MsGuy]

Hangs out with 12 guys and still can't get laid.

 

(And not one is named Cody, Steve, Alec, Jon or Stallion)

 

Well...'Jon' is just an alternate spelling of 'John' as in St. John aka John the Apostle & John the Evangelist. Catholics (to whom such things are important) are taught that Jon spent the night of the Last Supper snuggling up close with Jesus rather than reclining on couches with the other disciples.

 

http://ssje.org/ssje/wp-content/uploads/2012/10/7838106752_4b8e9dcc9b_z.jpg

 

And St. Epiphanius states that St. Steven was one of the 70 (or so) lesser disciples tagging along with Jesus & the big shot Apostles. Granted most modern authorities have found little merit in Epiphanius's claim, so you're probably on safe ground with 'Steve'.

[+ purplekow]

Jesus is rolling in his grave. If he were real.

 

Hugs,

Greg

Hangs out with 12 guys and still can't get laid.

 

(And not one is named Cody, Steve, Alec, Jon or Stallion)

I believe that Stallion was one of the lesser Apostle's as well.

[+ Keith30309]

I believe that Stallion was one of the lesser Apostle's as well.

 

Ahh yes... I remember! From the 1 Corinthians 15:72, in a letter from Stallion to Peter (sic), "Ye shall calleth upon the City of Corinth and find there a man. Ye shall not calleth from a private number or ye shall be stuck mute from Above. Taketh unto the man a goat, who's name shall not be spoken, and bestow upon the offering much anointing of oils and lubrication. "

[bostonman]

He doesn't kiss. (He feels betrayed when you try to.)

 

However - he IS into foot worship, if you like that.

[+ dutchmuch]

When speaking to those who refused to believe the truth about Himself, Jesus Christ said, "I tell you the truth, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him" (Matthew 21:31-32).

[+ quoththeraven]

Answers each of your questions about him with a question in return.

 

I thought all that meant is he was Jewish, which we already knew. (Common observation/stereotype, with origins in rabbinical argumentation.) Or was familiar with Socratic dialogue.

[AdamSmith]

I thought all that meant is he was Jewish, which we already knew. (Common observation/stereotype, with origins in rabbinical argumentation.) Or was familiar with Socratic dialogue.

Saved by the Socratic-dialogue addendum!

[rvwnsd]

Just wants to hang around when hired for a weekend.

[AdamSmith]

Just wants to hang around when hired for a weekend.

Or lie around.

[+ quoththeraven]

Jesus is rolling in his grave. If he were real.

 

Hugs,

Greg

 

If his claims about himself are real, he would be rolling with laughter rather than spinning.

 

If God exists and has the power ascribed to him, all the insults in the world against him are irrelevant and have no effect.

 

Catholics (to whom such things are important) are taught that Jon spent the night of the Last Supper snuggling up close with Jesus rather than reclining on couches with the other disciples.

 

Not sure about the details, as I don't think a place Jesus and his disciples, all of whom were marginal Jews (title of a book by a Catholic scholar with the church's imprimatur), could afford to rent for Passover was likely to have couches, but the gospel according to John clearly refers to John as "the disciple whom Jesus loved."

 

I doubt the interpretation that John and Jesus were boning is any more likely than, say, John hooking up with Mary Magdalene (who, btw, was someone Jesus cured of mental illness (possessed by demons), not a prostitute; her story happens to follow that of the woman of loose repute who anointed Jesus's feet with ointment), but YMMV.

 

I will only mention that scholars have concluded that John was put in written form long after Jesus's and John's death (around 90-100 CE), which raises questions whether all or most of it originated with John. The only canonical writings written in close to their current form during the lifetime of people who lived when Jesus did are those of Paul's letters that can be conclusively ascribed to Paul.

[rvwnsd]

Or lie around.

And then he gets up in the middle of the night and leaves.