Terms Of Endearment- Yea or Nay

[+ Gar1eth]

First I guess I need to say that my parents while affectionate with each other- never really called each other pet names or terms of endearment except maybe in a birthday or holiday card.

 

As for me, I have to admit that I'm at a disadvantage because I have never had a boyfriend and am likely to never have one. But I have had a few friends- and one in particular that I'd like to classify as a friend with benefits, but in the last two years we've only been together in a biblical sense three times (I know I say I never have non-escort sex- or at least I used to say that. And it was true back then. Lucky me now I can say things have improved, and it occurs about as frequently as February 29th rolling around). So rather than a friend with benefits, I guess I'd call him more of an acquaintance with benefits (AWB).

 

 

So this AWB-let's call him Stan- when we 1st met 3 years ago- shortly after that would occasionally call me 'Hon' or 'Honey' or maybe even 'Dear'. And I discovered I don't really like that. He doesn't say it a lot. And we don't really see each other very often- maybe once every three to 6 months ( usually with nothing biblical going on). And soon it won't really matter because I'm moving away around 1600 miles, And I doubt I'll ever see him again after that. But I've never said anything to him about it because it seems such a petty thing- he doesn't do it often- and I know he means it in an affectionate way. Since he does mean it in a 'loving' way, I've never been able to tell him it makes me a bit unsettled to hear him use those kind of terms.

 

But the point is not Stan particularly. It's the endearments. I went on one of the social apps tonight and someone I've talked to before but never met called me 'babe'. It just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe if I were in a relationship and in love I wouldn't mind so much. But I doubt that is ever really going to happen. I wonder if my dislike of them is because subconsciously I equate them with female/submissive terms. I should also say- I'm not really one for slinging the gay stereotypical term b*tch around to friend and foes alike. I don't like it at all. Of course I don't use the term b*stard except under my breath when I'm really upset at something/someone/situation.

 

So how do y'all feel about endearments?

 

Gman

[tyro]

I love them and use them constantly. Seriously, I do.

T

[TruHart1]

I love them and use them constantly. Seriously, I do.

T

 

I am also guilty of using terms of endearment quite freely with people I like, whether I have "benefits" in those relationships or not!

 

TruHart1

[Griffondog]

Kitten, sweety, babe, baby, cupcake, sweet pea .... I can't remember the last time I called my honey by his given name. It's way more fun to choose one myself.

[niceguyaz]

He calls me "boi", I call him "Daddy"

[bigvalboy]

I love them and use them constantly. Seriously, I do.

T

 

+1...I will often use them with people I have just met, if I feel a connection or an endearment toward them.

[Nvr2Thick]

 

So this AWB-let's call him Stan- when we 1st met 3 years ago- shortly after that would occasionally call me 'Hon' or 'Honey' or maybe even 'Dear'. And I discovered I don't really like that. He doesn't say it a lot. And we don't really see each other very often- maybe once every three to 6 months ( usually with nothing biblical going on). And soon it won't really matter because I'm moving away around 1600 miles, And I doubt I'll ever see him again after that. But I've never said anything to him about it because it seems such a petty thing- he doesn't do it often- and I know he means it in an affectionate way. Since he does mean it in a 'loving' way, I've never been able to tell him it makes me a bit unsettled to hear him use those kind of terms.

 

But the point is not Stan particularly. It's the endearments. I went on one of the social apps tonight and someone I've talked to before but never met called me 'babe'. It just doesn't feel right to me. Maybe if I were in a relationship and in love I wouldn't mind so much. But I doubt that is ever really going to happen. I wonder if my dislike of them is because subconsciously I equate them with female/submissive terms.

 

So how do y'all feel about endearments?

 

Gman

 

I was uncomfortable with endearing terms just as you have been. I've grown to accept and appreciate them. I give and accept them comfortably. My life is better because I'm more open to affection.

 

I've felt similar to you in many ways. My parents were not very affectionate. Growing up I was desperate to not get caught being gay, so I shunned terms that seemed feminine. While I never denied to myself that I was gay, this behavior was a way of normalizing it -- I wasn't one of "those" gays.

 

Your stories about your past, the limitations you've put on yourself or accepted, the future you've resigned yourself to; they all indicate a high degree of self loathing and the systematic denial of pleasure that comes from it. You've constructed an elaborate web of life complexities and personal inadequacies that establish your reasons for not moving forward with a rewarding life of involvement with men.

 

I'm sure this all sounds very critical, but its not meant to criticize. It might take years with the the correct therapist to adjust your poor image of yourself and release you from your self imposed limitations. I hope you'll at least try to evaluate at least one of your reasons for why you can't be happy, and see if you can't get around it.

 

When you say goodbye to this man take the time to immerse yourself in the moment. Don't deny yourself the emotion and even the pain. Tell him honestly how it has felt to be with him. Use words that may make you uncomfortable - if they suitably express how you feel. You make it sound as though you may be walking away from the closest thing you'll have to intimacy. Maybe if you give it a big sloppy wet gay kiss goodbye it will occur to you to try harder to find it again with someone else later.

[+ quoththeraven]

I hate them and find them condescending, especially from people who don't know me. And the people who don't know me who've used those terms have not been men. They've been women who are waitstaff or nurses. Though I've sort of gotten used to being called "hon" by waitresses. They don't know my name.

 

Insincere endearments drive me around the bend (and from someone who doesn't know me, it's either insincere or overly familiar) and it's generic. Why should I appreciate being called something that could be, and probably is or has been, applied to anyone else with whom the speaker feels the same level of familiarity?

 

Use my name.

[Steven_Draker]

Terms of endearment

 

Most commonly in "Bend over, bitch!" (where 'bitch' is used as a term of endearment)

 

http://entertainment.time.com/2013/10/20/britney-spears-and-the-b-word-a-term-of-endearment/

[+ Gar1eth]

I was uncomfortable with endearing terms just as you have been. I've grown to accept and appreciate them. I give and accept them comfortably. My life is better because I'm more open to affection.

 

I've felt similar to you in many ways. My parents were not very affectionate. Growing up I was desperate to not get caught being gay, so I shunned terms that seemed feminine. While I never denied to myself that I was gay, this behavior was a way of normalizing it -- I wasn't one of "those" gays.

 

Your stories about your past, the limitations you've put on yourself or accepted, the future you've resigned yourself to; they all indicate a high degree of self loathing and the systematic denial of pleasure that comes from it. You've constructed an elaborate web of life complexities and personal inadequacies that establish your reasons for not moving forward with a rewarding life of involvement with men.

 

I'm sure this all sounds very critical, but its not meant to criticize. It might take years with the the correct therapist to adjust your poor image of yourself and release you from your self imposed limitations. I hope you'll at least try to evaluate at least one of your reasons for why you can't be happy, and see if you can't get around it.

 

When you say goodbye to this man take the time to immerse yourself in the moment. Don't deny yourself the emotion and even the pain. Tell him honestly how it has felt to be with him. Use words that may make you uncomfortable - if they suitably express how you feel. You make it sound as though you may be walking away from the closest thing you'll have to intimacy. Maybe if you give it a big sloppy wet gay kiss goodbye it will occur to you to try harder to find it again with someone else later.

 

Some of what you say is spot on. And some not. I'm very verbal and I have no problems at telling someone how much they mean to me. I just don't like terms of endearment.

 

My parents were fairly affectionate in gestures (they kissed frequently). My Dad (pre-dementia) used to buy my Mom flowers. He never forgot a birthday or anniversary that I know of.

 

Again I agree you are spot on with some of what you say. But if for instance, my not being carried away by sex- I love kissing. I could kiss for hours. Cuming while it feels nice just doesn't transfix me. I've got a friend who is almost in state of paralysis- not quite but you know what I mean- all enervated and weak after cuming even if he's just jacked himself off. It just physically does not affect me that way.

 

The one guy two years ago the only guy who has ever been available and free and not in a relationship-my only real non-escort dates added a 'y' to the end of my name- I actually liked that where I don't like 'dear' or 'honey' but again maybe if I ever had a date or a relationship maybe I wouldn't mind if that person called me those things. But I can show affection towards friends without them. And remember I don't like calling people b*tch either-neither friends nor foes.

 

For the rest again a lot of what you said hits home.

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

I am neutal about endearments but during sex I do tend to use baby and other endearments.

I dislike the idea of calling an escort by his stage name and therefore, these endearments allow me to address my partner without using a name I think may be incorrect. I have no idea why using the endearment does not distract me but using a false name does. These endearments do flow easily and naturally.

My favorite endearment, is "God" such as, "God, you are hot." "God that feels good" and my favorite "Oh god, I am going to come". It tends to make my encounters religious experiences.

 

For the grammarians out there, I know it may seem as though God is an interjection here, but when I say god, I am addressing my partner.

[Bart]

I actually agree totally with two opposite ends.

On the one hand, I have one of those names people see and immediately will call me by the shortened version like such as people will see the name James and will as is on auto-pilot assume they have the right to call you Jim. They assume they are being chummy and in business people feel a need to break down barriers immediately. However, I actually loved the name my parents gave me and I like and prefer people to use it. Because of this I tend to use people's given name in full unless they ask me to use something different. I find most people are actually surprised in this day and age of informality that I am not more at ease with the nickname version.

 

However, once I have achieved a level of intimacy with someone I actually enjoy the use of terms of endearment. I do use this with a few of the gentlemen I have and still see. But it is very few and I have no issue with them having a pet name for me either and no issue if someone wants to call me "bitch" either. The difference is that it is in the level of intimacy one wants to achieve or have. Plus how confident one is with themselves. I would rather have those moments with a few, that make them special, than never having any as that would make life very crappy. So while walls are great to keep the insincere out, you have to have doors and windows to open to those who care.

[tanman4u]

I am neutal about endearments but during sex I do tend to use baby and other endearments.

I dislike the idea of calling an escort by his stage name and therefore, these endearments allow me to address my partner without using a name I think may be incorrect. I have no idea why using the endearment does not distract me but using a false name does. These endearments do flow easily and naturally.

My favorite endearment, is "God" such as, "God, you are hot." "God that feels good" and my favorite "Oh god, I am coing to come". It tends to make my encounters religious experiences.

 

For the grammarians out there, I know it may seem as though God is an interjection here, but when I say god, I am addressing my partner.

 

I was about to vote NO to TOE but realized when I read this post that I too use God in almost the same way. In the throes of great sex I might throw in a "come for me baby" etc., but that's about it. I too had parents whom, though in a great relationship for well over 50 years never really showed much affection towards each other and that's probably why I feel uncomfortable with it to this day.

[+ purplekow]

As for nicknames, if I meet someone with a common nickname, I will usually ask: "Do you prefer James or Jim." I have a name with has a common nickname, but the name I prefer is a nickname baed on my last name, which is the name which has been used by my family and friends since I was born. While I answer to each of the three names, I feel least comfortable with my given name and most comfortable with my family given nickname.

[+ Gar1eth]

If I use G-d during certain intense moments- I guess it's happened occasionally-I'm using it as an interjection and not an endearment for my partner. As for calling escorts by endearments- I don't think I do that. But I'm also pretty sure they don't call me anything either. Although I'm sure either an escort or non-escort may have said 'Daddy' which is definitely not my favorite.

 

Gman

[+ Charlie]

My parents always called one another by shortened forms of their given names, the same as their family and friends did; however, my family always called me by my full given name, so one can often tell how close someone is to me by whether they use the common shortened form of my name or my full name.

 

As for terms of endearment, I usually call close gay friends "my dear," and call my spouse "sweetie." When someone calls me "hon," I assume he or she (usually she, though I have a male pharmacist in Palm Springs who always calls me "hon"), I feel like I am being served in a South Philly diner.

[tanman4u]

If I use G-d during certain intense moments- I guess it's happened occasionally-I'm using it as an interjection and not an endearment for my partner. As for calling escorts by endearments- I don't think I do that. But I'm also pretty sure they don't call me anything either. Although I'm sure either an escort or non-escort may have said 'Daddy' which is definitely not my favorite.

 

Gman

 

I've always been uncomfortable with being called Daddy or calling anyone Daddy. That's just kind of creeped me out. I was always pretty close to my Dad but don't particularly want to be reminded of him during "that time". And to be clear Daddy (as in the webmaster here) is on my hero list for running this website for so long and putting up with all the BS that I'm sure goes with it.

[Okliehomo]

It all depends.

 

In relationships, I liked them.

 

With escorts, not so much. Always kind of emphasized the falseness of the situation. Except with David. The way he did it really worked for me, all that crazy, sexy loverboy talk, "Come on, lover, shoot for me, lover" in his deep sexy whisper primped the pump for sure.

 

With my pup/roommate/bf, like breathing. Daddy's baby, Daddy's sweetest girl, my snow bunny, angel puppy, etc, etc.....

 

And I liked the movie very much..... "Give my daughter the shot!!!!!!"

[Guest Starbuck]

I dislike the idea of calling an escort by his stage name ... endearments allow me to address my partner without using a name I think may be incorrect.

 

YES! I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone make this observation before, but it's something I strongly identify with. I know it's because feeling a sense of "connectedness" enhances the experience for me and the phony name is one more barrier to that. At least one of the guys I've been with uses his real name; a couple of other men have revealed them to me. With one guy in particular, the sweetest boy I know, being able to call him by the name his "real life" friends use just makes me feel that much closer to him ... which, in turn, means that when I call him "Baby," I'm feeling real affection.

[gp0560]

YES! I'm not sure I've ever seen anyone make this observation before, but it's something I strongly identify with. I know it's because feeling a sense of "connectedness" enhances the experience for me and the phony name is one more barrier to that. At least one of the guys I've been with uses his real name; a couple of other men have revealed them to me. With one guy in particular, the sweetest boy I know, being able to call him by the name his "real life" friends use just makes me feel that much closer to him ... which, in turn, means that when I call him "Baby," I'm feeling real affection.

 

I like that you say "intimacy" and "connectedness" rather than "affection." I like the feeling of connectedness, and I almost always use some kind of name or TOE when I'm talking to someone, either in "real" life or when with an escort. I like to use some form of the proper name, for example, Peter, Pete, or Petey, or maybe a word like "chum" or "buddy." In fact, t's very hard for me NOT to use some expression like that. Also, to me it seems more intimate to use some form of a name rather than "buddy" or "chum." OTOH, I have one guy who thinks the proper name is LESS intimate and prefers to call me "buddy" even after many years together. Go figure.

 

It seems to me that most escorts (maybe most people in general) prefer not to use a name or TOE at all, even after sharing a lot of time together.

[whipped guy]

One escort who I had hired multiple times never gave me an "alternative" name other than his stage name. One night as we were lying there after the festivities were over and were discussing some mundane thing or another he exclaimed, "Yeah, my mother would always says to me... 'so and so' don't do that!" He then quickly added, "Shoot, now you know my real name... and I have always hated my name!" So I guess the stage name was the name he would have wanted in the first place... so I have since only addressed him with his stage name even though I am aware of his given name... I'm not sure how his friends address him... but the stage moniker suits him much better than his actual name!

[+ FreshFluff]

I know what you mean, Gman. I remember reading about a woman who broke up with her boyfriend addressed her by her last name "C'mon, Give me a blow job, Smith." That's a form of address men use on other men, especially in the social realm, so it made her uncomfortable. I understand that "dear" is more common in the gay world, but it can be a turn off to have a lover address you using a feminine term of endearment.

[tyro]

My last name is now sometimes used as a male first name. Talk about confusing.

T

I know what you mean, Gman. I remember reading about a woman who broke up with her boyfriend addressed her by her last name "C'mon, Give me a blow job, Smith." That's a form of address men use on other men, especially in the social realm, so it made her uncomfortable. I understand that "dear" is more common in the gay world, but it can be a turn off to have a lover address you using a feminine term of endearment.

[Guest Starbuck]

I've always been uncomfortable with being called Daddy or calling anyone Daddy. That's just kind of creeped me out.

 

I've only had one fellow call me Daddy; he's the only guy I've ever called Boy. (Ironically, he sometimes plays the Daddy--albeit a young one--to other guys, but there's no denying the fact that I've got 25 years on him, so he's never going to be my Daddy.) When we use these terms, they feel like endearments, playful expressions of how we're playing at that moment. It's felt fun to me and (I hope) to him. But if I ever once thought of either my father or my son in those moments, the playfulness of those terms would quickly turn odd and uncomfortable. Like so many things about sex and sexuality, what we like and how we play, it's a very individual thing ... something that may feel right some of the time but not all of the time, with one guy but not another.

[jawjateck]

Escorts frequently call me "babe" or "sexy" man. I don't believe 'em for a minute, but I enjoy the affectionate expressions.