Finding love in the right place

[JulianLondon]

So after reading some intelligent discussions on here recently, particularly involving regular arrangements/stipends with guys from Craigslist etc, I'm wondering does this not stifle or make near impossible any relationship that isn't based on a financial renumeration. I of course enjoy meeting up with younger goodlooking guys and I think also the pursuit of finding the most compatible guy is addictive and makes finding a partner outside this world sometimes seem impossible. Am I alone in finding this the case?

[bigvalboy]

So after reading some intelligent discussions on here recently, particularly involving regular arrangements/stipends with guys from Craigslist etc, I'm wondering does this not stifle or make near impossible any relationship that isn't based on a financial renumeration. I of course enjoy meeting up with younger goodlooking guys and I think also the pursuit of finding the most compatible guy is addictive and makes finding a partner outside this world sometimes seem impossible. Am I alone in finding this the case?

 

You are absolutely correct, and this is an interesting topic, since I am in the process of making some changes, since coming to this realization a couple of years ago. I always say that sometimes "I'm looking for love in all the wrong places" ....Hiring works for many, and on some levels, it still works for me, but I am going through a slow transformation. It's hard changing old behavior, and putting yourself out there on a social level. Since moving, I have found it infinitely easier, partly because of my location, and partly because I am more motivated than ever. I am hiring less, and hiring sometimes for different reasons, which has been an interesting experience.

 

To find a partner outside of the escort world, is not easy. If you decide that hiring is no longer satisfying your needs, then I think that sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, and put yourself out there, and always believe in yourself. Breaking any habit takes time.

[leigh.bess.toad]

So after reading some intelligent discussions on here recently, particularly involving regular arrangements/stipends with guys from Craigslist etc, I'm wondering does this not stifle or make near impossible any relationship that isn't based on a financial renumeration. I of course enjoy meeting up with younger goodlooking guys and I think also the pursuit of finding the most compatible guy is addictive and makes finding a partner outside this world sometimes seem impossible. Am I alone in finding this the case?

 

I hardly think that you are alone. In fact you are possibly in the majority. For most of the time, I feel like I am the odd duck here. Many of you know my story. Joining the forum, coming out a few months later, hiring some incredible men who have become friends, teachers, advisers, ass kickers when needed. Six months after I came out, I went on my first date with a man. Next month we will celebrate our 3rd anniversary (and the 3rd anniversary gift is leather -- hot damn). And maybe my guy is the exception. He has met every single one of my escorts and considers them all our friends. He has served as my co-host for the last 2 DC luncheons I've organized. I told him I hired escorts on our second date. His answer has become our signature for when something is no big deal: "Whatever". Finding a guy who has no jealousy, no issues with being friends with men that I have been so intimate with, and who I am still intimate with (sexually or not) may be rare. I don't know. But I knew I had to tell him early in the relationship because if he couldn't accept this world I was in, our relationship wouldn't stand a chance. He has no interest in hiring himself, and at times it can be a strange place for him. But he is supportive of me, of our friends. And I couldn't ask for anything else.

 

Putting yourself out there to find love isn't easy. Whether there are escorts involved or not. And it isn't always mutually exclusive to hiring -- it hasn't been in my case. Expecting to find love in this world is highly unlikely. But there is no reason to cut yourself off from this world if you enjoy it to try to find love. One doesn't prevent the other.

 

At least it didn't in my case.

[+ Funguy]

To find a partner outside of the escort world, is not easy. If you decide that hiring is no longer satisfying your needs, then I think that sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and take a chance, and put yourself out there, and always believe in yourself. Breaking any habit takes time

 

That is the essence - however impossible it sometimes seems!

 

Funguy

[jawjateck]

I was around 30 when I accepted that I am not relationally oriented, after several failed attempts with the female species......sorry to our resident ladies. :-) Having written off the women, I started hiring gentleman companions about 3 years later.

 

I am a happy single guy, who requires massive doses of "me time" to sustain my happiness. So, I applaud those of you in joyful relationships, and hope those of you who are searching will find the person/partner/spouse that you want and need, but romps with hot men keep me quite satisfied. ;-)

[Newly]

Interesting thread. I've been trying to figure out why people hire, and there seem to be a few reasons. Some just want to have sex, and especially for those who want to be with young, attractive guys who normally wouldn't give them a second look hiring seems to be a good fit since the rules are pretty clear. Others are married and closeted and it's a way to spend time with a guy without disturbing their real lives. I guess the part that is a bit scary is that people tend to seek the easy way out, it's just the way we're wired. It's so much easier to hire an escort and pretend. Beats the heck out of putting yourself out there and facing rejection and uncertainty - instead you get an instant "date" who is there to please you and agree with you. But in the long term doesn't that make it more unlikely that you'll ever have a real relationship? After getting used to escorts dating someone who may be in a bad mood, not agree with you and so on seems like it would be hard. I guess you could look at it as practice to build up one's self esteem, but it seems as if paying someone to be a boyfriend could also be a good way to destroy your self esteem.

[bigvalboy]

Interesting thread. I've been trying to figure out why people hire, and there seem to be a few reasons. Some just want to have sex, and especially for those who want to be with young, attractive guys who normally wouldn't give them a second look hiring seems to be a good fit since the rules are pretty clear. Others are married and closeted and it's a way to spend time with a guy without disturbing their real lives. I guess the part that is a bit scary is that people tend to seek the easy way out, it's just the way we're wired. It's so much easier to hire an escort and pretend. Beats the heck out of putting yourself out there and facing rejection and uncertainty - instead you get an instant "date" who is there to please you and agree with you. But in the long term doesn't that make it more unlikely that you'll ever have a real relationship? After getting used to escorts dating someone who may be in a bad mood, not agree with you and so on seems like it would be hard. I guess you could look at it as practice to build up one's self esteem, but it seems as if paying someone to be a boyfriend could also be a good way to destroy your self esteem.

 

Unfortunately it is a side affect, but it can also be something that motivates someone into making changes. The problem is making the connection, that hiring is possibly the cause of ones low self esteem. Excellent post Newtothis.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Interesting thread. I've been trying to figure out why people hire, and there seem to be a few reasons. Some just want to have sex, and especially for those who want to be with young, attractive guys who normally wouldn't give them a second look hiring seems to be a good fit since the rules are pretty clear. Others are married and closeted and it's a way to spend time with a guy without disturbing their real lives. I guess the part that is a bit scary is that people tend to seek the easy way out, it's just the way we're wired. It's so much easier to hire an escort and pretend. Beats the heck out of putting yourself out there and facing rejection and uncertainty - instead you get an instant "date" who is there to please you and agree with you. But in the long term doesn't that make it more unlikely that you'll ever have a real relationship? After getting used to escorts dating someone who may be in a bad mood, not agree with you and so on seems like it would be hard. I guess you could look at it as practice to build up one's self esteem, but it seems as if paying someone to be a boyfriend could also be a good way to destroy your self esteem.

 

There are a myriad of reasons, and a myriad of results. But I know of quite a few guys who used the escorts as sort of a bridge between their married lives and the transition to coming out of the closet. It helped them get the courage to come out. My escorts were there as friends to help me through the process. And in one case, to vehemently disagree with my decision to come out because he didn't think I was ready and hadn't thought things through. But once we talked it out, he supported me and was there for me.

 

And I know of a couple of us who now have partners so I know I'm not alone in that. So in that sense it built up the self-esteem, not destroyed it. It helped give us the confidence with men that helped us in dating and getting our partners.

 

As I said, a lot of reasons, a lot of different results.

[+ Funguy]

Interesting thread. I've been trying to figure out why people hire, and there seem to be a few reasons. Some just want to have sex, and especially for those who want to be with young, attractive guys who normally wouldn't give them a second look hiring seems to be a good fit since the rules are pretty clear. Others are married and closeted and it's a way to spend time with a guy without disturbing their real lives. I guess the part that is a bit scary is that people tend to seek the easy way out, it's just the way we're wired. It's so much easier to hire an escort and pretend. Beats the heck out of putting yourself out there and facing rejection and uncertainty - instead you get an instant "date" who is there to please you and agree with you. But in the long term doesn't that make it more unlikely that you'll ever have a real relationship? After getting used to escorts dating someone who may be in a bad mood, not agree with you and so on seems like it would be hard. I guess you could look at it as practice to build up one's self esteem, but it seems as if paying someone to be a boyfriend could also be a good way to destroy your self esteem.

 

I simply want to have sex. I'm not good relationship material - and why does someone have to be in a relationship? I don't like bars and clubs to pick up someone (I'm a good-looking, fit 65), I like mature men and NOT the young hot guys you seem to think are the ones who"normally wouldn't give them a second look" and, yes, it is the easy way out BUT I know who I am hiring, I get exactly the experience I want, from BFE to kink/leather/BDSM when I want it with guys I TRUST. I'm not pretending and I'm not looking for an instant date to please me! And I'm not pretending it's anything that it's not.

 

As I said, I'm not good relationship material - for many reasons, some real, some perceived - and I'm NOT looking for one. I also don't need to build up my self-esteem and I'm not paying someone to be my boyfriend. I'm paying for GREAT sex and, in my case with my guys, we have a GREAT time and they become friends, too!

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

For me it started as a simple way to confirm my sexuality. I loved watching gay porn, but would I actually enjoy gay sex? Would I prefer being a top or bottom? So the first three or four times is was all about learning about myself.

 

As for relationships, I've not ever had one. While I believe that I would enjoy having a partner, I've always placed my personal life behind my career, the volunteer work I enjoy, and spending time with long-time friends. So maybe one of these days, I will stumble into a relationship, but until then I will continue to from time to time.

[+ Gar1eth]

I first hired when I was a total virgin. I had a few dates with girls in high school and a bit beyond, but I didn't think I was feeling what the other guys seemed to be feeling for them. When in my late teens or early 20's and I decided I was gay, I also decided I was never going to act on it. But the older and older I got being a virgin bothered me more and more- 17 year olds were out there having daily sex- and I was in my 40's and had not even had a French Kiss. So I finally decided I wanted sex, and I needed to hire. At the time I first hired, I still didn't think I would ever be able to come out to family or friends. Well over the last five years I've come out a bit more, and two years ago I came out to my immediate family.

 

I have over these last two or three years thought very much about being in a relationship. The things that have stopped me so far are #1. The kinds of guys I'm attracted to are not really attracted to me and #2 I feel handicapped by my lack of previous experience. In part I think the hormone surges we feel at adolescence are designed from a biologic standpoint to prepare us to have partners in later life. I don't think it's impossible to form a partner bond if you didn't go through that as an adolescent, but I think it's much harder. So without that biological seasoning if you will, plus lack of experience in having a relationship, I'm doubtful if I ever will have a relationship.

 

And on top of that even in the unlikely event that I found someone who was interested in me , how am I at the age of 53 totally naive in the way relationships work- supposed to know if I'm the type of person who could be with someone else.? And further- who is going to want to put up with me- trying to learn how to be in a relationship when these are the things I should have learned decades ago or when I still am not totally reconciled with being gay?

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

Gar1eth, you have been in many many relationships. Son, sibling perhaps, friend, co=worker, confidante, lover (even if with only escorts) etc. A committed relationship, is more like those relationships than you might imagine. They all require honesty, trust, caring, selflessness, comaraderie, truthfulness, tenderness, compassion, understanding and consideration. The stakes are higherin a committed relationship, definitely. The commitment is more intense. But it is not so strikingly different that you will like a stranger in a strange place. The answer to your question, who is going to want to put up with you...? the answer is simple: The right man for you will not only want to do it, he will revel in it and love doing it and will be frustrated that he cannot do more.

[Newly]

Actually funguy, the very first group of people I described, those who were looking for sex and not a relationship, are those where an escort makes sense, everyone is going into it with the right expectations. The potential problem is when someone who is looking for a relationship is also hiring escorts. If you get used to the highly stylized interactions that you have with an escort it probably is not good "practice" for being in a real relationship. There are no doubt people who don't want to be in relationships and are loners, and that's a perfectly valid choice. But most humans are wired to be social animals and want a relationship and our society encourages that to some degree. For these people hiring escorts may be counterproductive by giving them an unrealistic expectation of what most relationships require.

[+ Funguy]

Actually funguy, the very first group of people I described, those who were looking for sex and not a relationship, are those where an escort makes sense, everyone is going into it with the right expectations. The potential problem is when someone who is looking for a relationship is also hiring escorts. If you get used to the highly stylized interactions that you have with an escort it probably is not good "practice" for being in a real relationship. There are no doubt people who don't want to be in relationships and are loners, and that's a perfectly valid choice. But most humans are wired to be social animals and want a relationship and our society encourages that to some degree. For these people hiring escorts may be counterproductive by giving them an unrealistic expectation of what most relationships require.

 

Newtothis: I think you are trying to simplify too much with generalizations: what "highly stylized interactions"? We meet, have a good time, fuck, eat, laugh, and have some more good time. For me this is having fun. There are also people "who don't want to be in a relationship" and who are NOT loners. I am one of them, I have a lot of friends, gay and straight, who all mix and we are very social.

 

You are right that we are social animals but we don't all have to have the classic "relationship." As long as we realize and know that hiring is not what a "relationship" is all about, it is a great situation even for people looking for that relationship. It sounds like (and I may be completely wrong about this) you are "younger" (as I said, I'm 65) and may be looking for, or at least open to, a relationship. You are also clearly aware that escorts are different than BF-relationships. If that is what the client is ultimately looking for, he's looking in the wrong place. If the client is looking to have a safe sexual experience or 2 or 3 while, at the same time, open to and looking for a committed relationship, then why not? Just be careful and don't fall in love with the escort unless the escort is looking too!