How to be a good houseguest?

[+ FreshFluff]

I'm off to Nantucket for the weekend with a guy I'm dating. We're staying at an inn on the first night and then at his friend's (fortunately large) house. The friend's house has separate guest quarters, so it sounds like we'll have space.

 

The friend, also a biz contact of the guy I'm dating, seems like a decent guy. FWIW, the friend is much wealthier than the guy I'm dating. That power imbalance showed a little when he kept sending me puzzle questions related to my field and my college major. I'm grateful for his the invitation to stay at his house, but this is my vacation. Work starts full throttle in 10 days, and I'm not looking to spend my vacation talking shop. However, I'm happy to listen to the two of them talk shop about their own fields and contribute to that.

 

Any tips for being a good houseguest in general? And, for this case, any suggestions on how to graciously redirect the conversation after a few minutes if he insists on pressing on with the "performing seal" type questions?

 

(BTW, we have a set departure date when all four of us are heading back home. So staying too long is not an issue.)

[+ azdr0710]

I suppose you give up some independence and "power" when you're a guest in somebody else's house, technically....how about telling your date ahead of time to redirect the convo if his friend brings it up?....or, "oh guys, I'm headed into work full tilt in a few days and I want to enjoy this little vacation without thinking too much about work"......sticking close to the truth usually helps.....sorry if these aren't revelations

[+ FreshFluff]

Hmm, I think I'll do that. Maybe I'll ask him to redirect to his own shop talk. The guy I'm dating is renowned for promoting his businesses, so I'd love to see how he does it.

 

Someday, I'd love to be the sweet, not-so-bright but charming gf who gets to just sit quietly and smile. Instead, guys like to sell me as a (very junior) professor of X who went to school Y, which creates expectations that I'm smarter than I actually am.

 

AZ, maybe you can come with us.

[bigvalboy]

I agree with azdr. The truth will usually serve you best in these situations. Being honest about not wanting to talk shop at this stage of the year seems very reasonable to me. Should they ignore your request, I would use humor to make your point, and to let them know that your decision is something that is non-negotiable....Talking shop was always a "no no" in my book, that usually meant gossip, there are more interesting things going on in the world that are worthy of our attention.

 

Good luck, and be gracious. You will be in Nantucket after all... I am fortunate as I never ever stay in someone else's house when I travel. I like my freedom and the ability to excuse myself from any situation that I feel is uncomfortable or annoying. I realize that you don't have a choice, so you will have to think on your feet as it were, but you are very bright FF so I have no doubt that things will go smoothly. Relax and enjoy your Nantucket weekend. Such a nice way to end this summer break before heading off to work.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

Now that you know how, give him a good blow job.

 

[+ FreshFluff]

Now that you know how, give him a good blow job.

 

 

That would result in quite a conversation with my date and the guy's wife!

 

 

I agree with azdr. The truth will usually serve you best in these situations. Being honest about not wanting to talk shop at this stage of the year seems very reasonable to me. Should they ignore your request, I would use humor to make your point, and to let them know that your decision is something that is non-negotiable....Talking shop was always a "no no" in my book, that usually meant gossip, there are more interesting things going on in the world that are worthy of our attention.

 

Good luck, and be gracious. You will be in Nantucket after all... I am fortunate as I never ever stay in someone else's house when I travel. I like my freedom and the ability to excuse myself from any situation that I feel is uncomfortable or annoying. I realize that you don't have a choice, so you will have to think on your feet as it were, but you are very bright FF so I have no doubt that things will go smoothly. Relax and enjoy your Nantucket weekend. Such a nice way to end this summer break before heading off to work.

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence, BVB. Yes, I'm acting like a bit of a spoiled brat but like you, I don't stay with people while I'm vacationing. I only do that if I'm specifically visiting someone, and I'm very close to that person.

 

So spoiled Fluffy will have to put on her big kitten panties. Again, the most interesting part--besides the time I'm spending with my guy--will seeing the interaction between the two men. I think I can learn a lot from that.

[+ FreshFluff]

OK, here's a more complex question: How do you know when someone accepts your offer to pay for a meal?

 

The guy I'm with is significantly older and wealthier than I am, though I make a reasonable income myself. He's paying for the plane tickets and the hotel room. So i decided to offer to pay for a meal or two. I've also offered to get a gift for the host if he hasn't done so yet.

 

Just to be clear: if he wants to pay, that's fine with me. But I do want to offer. The only problem is that it's often not clear when someone is truly insisting on paying vs trying to be polite by not accepting too readily.

 

When you offer to pay, and someone replies, "It's ok, don't worry about it," do you usually keep insisting on it?

[+ honcho]

Sometimes actions speak louder than words; if you're all at a restaurant and are in a position to use the boarding house reach

to grab the bill when it arrives, do so without comment!

[gallahadesquire]

Sometimes actions speak louder than words; if you're all at a restaurant and are in a position to use the boarding house reach

to grab the bill when it arrives, do so without comment!

 

Talk to the maitre d' and arrange a credit card payment during the meal. The check never comes to the table, and you can excuse yourself to the washroom to settle up towards the end of the meal.

 

I've been told I'm an excellent house guest. Apparently, my two best attributes are:

(1) Be on my own recognizance. If you can, take your BF and go away for a day trip or two. Or by yourself. Do NOT expect to be "shown the island" or otherwise carted around with your host as tour guide.

(2) Be accomodating. If the host suggests an activity, accept with pleasure and appreciation. We're not talking public floggings here. If you really can't stand modern art, then decline gently. But mostly, be accomodating.

(3) Learn to get lost. If you sense that your presence is [temporarily] unwanted, go and do something on your own. See #1.

(4) Offer o do something around the house, carefully. I arrived the day before my host's mother's 75 birthday, and took up window washing as my own chore. It was deeply appreciated. [ This was in West Chop, MV, on the northern tip.]

 

Enjoy the Island. I've never been to Nantucket .... I've been to Martha's Vineyard multiple times, and love it. And my host has called me "The perfect House guest."

[Diverdan]

I second Gallahad's suggestions. I have often arranged with the maître d to take care of the bill so it never comes to the table. It is a very nice way to handle the situation. I hate to reach across the table for a bill, as a "fight" of one sort or another usually takes place, and everyone seems a bit uncomfortable. I also agree that it will be important for you and your friend to go off on your own to do something by yourselves to give your host some space too... they may protest a bit, but will greatly appreciate the separation.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

"Thank you for a lovely/wonderful/absolutely awful dinner. Why don't you at least let me handle the gratuity?"

 

Or you can always offer to buy the two of you a nice bottle of wine during the meal and pay for that separately.

[bigvalboy]

I'm with Gallahad and DD. If I want to pick up the tab, during the meal I will excuse myself for a moment, find the maître d' and make sure that he knows I am to receive the bill. If the dining is more casual, as an example a patio lunch at a café, then when the bill comes, I will just take it and firmly say that the dining experience is on me. No further discussion is necessary if you are firm.

 

In your case FF, I think finding the maître d' is the best solution....good luck.

[+ azdr0710]

Fluffy, Fluffy, Fluffy...were you in FL recently???!!!

 

http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/06/12/mystery-woman-pays-bill-for-whole-restaurant-and-leaves-hefty-tip-for-servers/

[+ FreshFluff]

Thanks, guys. There's a delicate balance here, so I'd rather suggest than absolutely insist. (The maitre'd idea is a good one, and I've done just that with friends of both genders.) I've already asked about buying the gift for the host, but he said we'll just buy one when we're there.

 

I think I'll just ask him early on if I can take him out for a meal or pay for a gratuity, as Chris suggested. Whether he accepts or not, I'm happy.

 

As for not suffocating the hosts, my guy says we'll be spending at least half the time on our own. That's great news for me. Not sure about washing the windows, but if we have dinner at their place, I'll help clear the dishes!

 

Az, I'm a sweet little kitten not an old lady! That was definitely generous of her, and the customers must have been grateful.

[instudiocity]

Fluffy, the obvious answer here that satisfies both your desire to buy the meal while at the same time save some cash is to just blow the maitre d'.

 

 

Sorry for the sarcasm, but it's Chris' fault! He got me laughing about in-kind exchanges...

[+ FreshFluff]

Fluffy, the obvious answer here that satisfies both your desire to buy the meal while at the same time save some cash is to just blow the maitre d'.

 

With my technique, he'd probably tack on an extra charge!

[+ purplekow]

If the host is significantly better off than your boyfriend and your boyfriend is significantly better off than you are, then skip the idea of paying for the meal, let your boyfriend do that. Bring a token gift upon arrival, fresh flowers, fruit basket, nice bottle of wine, assorted sex toys or the like. A nice gift upon leaving which is based on your observation or conversation with the host or preferably in this situation the hostess as a thank you. Afterwards, a thank you note with perhaps another individualized item serves as a thanks again, invite me back gift.

As far as avoiding discussing work, a brief discussion if it comes up is polite. After that, beg off with a redirect such as: "As fascinating as it may be, work is work, so let me tell you about my wild weekend in St. Bart's with Mick Jagger"

[Guest]

... I'm grateful for his the invitation to stay at his house, but this is my vacation. Work starts full throttle in 10 days, and I'm not looking to spend my vacation talking shop....

 

Any tips for being a good houseguest in general? And, for this case, any suggestions on how to graciously redirect the conversation after a few minutes if he insists on pressing on with the "performing seal" type questions?)

 

Well, I would take a slight issue with the statement that this is entirely "your" vacation. You host is paying for not just your lodging, but apparently the transportation and most of the meals as well. In accepting this situation, you accepted a duty to a certain degree of reciprocation. If you have visited the Hearst Castle, you would have been informed during the tour that the newspaper magnate William R. Hearst would invite famous celebrities to the castle, paying for their plane ride, lodging, and food. There were some rules to be followed, though. The most important was that the guest sit next to Mr. Hearst and his reporter and spend some time discussing his life during dinner-time. (As the days went by, the guest would be seated further and further from the center of the table)

No one expects your life story to become newspaper fodder. And certainly there may be some subjects that you can rightfully consider off-limits. But I take issue with your considering responding to the host's questions as behaving like a "performing seal." Do you have any real evidence that the host has an underlying malevolent agenda, rather than just being interested in his good friend's new date? Yes, we all probably have a few issues we'd rather not discuss, particularly with someone we've just met. When I met my current domestic partner of 11+ years, he was working as an escort because he was afraid to go back to his native Russia, and there are limited job opportunities for those without work permits. When people ask how we met I just say "On the internet," which is a brush-off answer, but most people understand that this subject is closed. So just steer the conversations to parts of your life of which you're more proud. If you can't think of anything you do of which you're proud, you have bigger things to worry about than curious friends of your dates. To flat-out decline discussing yourself after accepting such a generous vacation from this stranger (to you) strikes me as rude. This basically tells the guy you don't trust him.

And the host's generosity should also be reciprocated in other ways as well, such as paying for the occasional meal, and bringing good wines to the dinner table (assuming the host drinks). When you pay your own way, then you can truly consider it 100% "your" vacation.

[+ azdr0710]

wow, I could learn a few things from PK and Uni.....well put!.....

 

I guess this desert dweller will never be as sophisticated as Nantucket society....

 

http://www.nantucketblackbook.com/

[+ WilliamM]

I believe Unicorn's advice is extreme. Yes, she wants to make a good impression. But, her host is just a business associate of the guy she is dating. It's clear that both men have a great deal more money than FreshFluff does, yet you write that she should pay for a meal, bring good wine and be willing to entertain her host, as if he was Hearst. If her date really expects all that, I suggest she find someone who is not an asshole. (My strong guess is that he does not expect it.)

[+ FreshFluff]

Well, I would take a slight issue with the statement that this is entirely "your" vacation. You host is paying for not just your lodging, but apparently the transportation and most of the meals as well. In accepting this situation, you accepted a duty to a certain degree of reciprocation. If you have visited the Hearst Castle, you would have been informed during the tour that the newspaper magnate William R. Hearst would invite famous celebrities to the castle, paying for their plane ride, lodging, and food. There were some rules to be followed, though. The most important was that the guest sit next to Mr. Hearst and his reporter and spend some time discussing his life during dinner-time. (As the days went by, the guest would be seated further and further from the center of the table)

No one expects your life story to become newspaper fodder. And certainly there may be some subjects that you can rightfully consider off-limits. But I take issue with your considering responding to the host's questions as behaving like a "performing seal." Do you have any real evidence that the host has an underlying malevolent agenda, rather than just being interested in his good friend's new date? Yes, we all probably have a few issues we'd rather not discuss, particularly with someone we've just met. When I met my current domestic partner of 11+ years, he was working as an escort because he was afraid to go back to his native Russia, and there are limited job opportunities for those without work permits. When people ask how we met I just say "On the internet," which is a brush-off answer, but most people understand that this subject is closed. So just steer the conversations to parts of your life of which you're more proud. If you can't think of anything you do of which you're proud, you have bigger things to worry about than curious friends of your dates. To flat-out decline discussing yourself after accepting such a generous vacation from this stranger (to you) strikes me as rude. This basically tells the guy you don't trust him.

And the host's generosity should also be reciprocated in other ways as well, such as paying for the occasional meal, and bringing good wines to the dinner table (assuming the host drinks). When you pay your own way, then you can truly consider it 100% "your" vacation.

 

You make an important point, which I think BVB also made.

 

But I should have been clearer. I'm talking about two different men: (1) Guy I'm dating: He's is paying for the transportation and the lodging on the first night and (2) the Host: He's putting us up in his house for the latter two nights. We may go out to dinner with him on one night, but probably not both.

 

Your main point is correct: Each of these people is being very generous and together, they are effectively subsidizing my vacation.

 

Also, I'm pretty willing to talk about anything; solving problems is a different story. The host emailed me my guy asking, "Can Fluffy solve this calculus problem?" I solved it and emailed the answer to the guy I'm dating, who forwarded it on. The host then emailed me directly with a second (and then third) calculus problem and asked me to solve them. That's why I felt that I was being tested, and my intelligence evaluated. I was probably overly sensitive about that; the guy I'm dating said the host was just trying to be welcoming.

[cany10011]

Enjoy yourself Fluff Your host is only asking questions to be interested in you. I'm sure he's not trying to pry. Perhaps you can be in the driver's seat and ask questions instead of him asking you. Anyway, being a good guest, which i'm sure you will be, is the price you pay for accepting the invitation. There is no free meal as they say

 

I've always enjoyed spending time in my own place or vacation house rather than being a guest of someone else. When a guest, you follow their rules, their meal times, their bed times, etc...I don't even feel comfortable resting my feet on their coffee tables. Off to Fire Island this weekend to my OWN house...lol where i can just relax and not answer to anyone or put on any game face.

 

 

 

I'm off to Nantucket for the weekend with a guy I'm dating. We're staying at an inn on the first night and then at his friend's (fortunately large) house. The friend's house has separate guest quarters, so it sounds like we'll have space.

 

The friend, also a biz contact of the guy I'm dating, seems like a decent guy. FWIW, the friend is much wealthier than the guy I'm dating. That power imbalance showed a little when he kept sending me puzzle questions related to my field and my college major. I'm grateful for his the invitation to stay at his house, but this is my vacation. Work starts full throttle in 10 days, and I'm not looking to spend my vacation talking shop. However, I'm happy to listen to the two of them talk shop about their own fields and contribute to that.

 

Any tips for being a good houseguest in general? And, for this case, any suggestions on how to graciously redirect the conversation after a few minutes if he insists on pressing on with the "performing seal" type questions?

 

(BTW, we have a set departure date when all four of us are heading back home. So staying too long is not an issue.)

[+ FreshFluff]

I believe Unicorn's advice is extreme. Yes, she wants to make a good impression. But, her host is just a business associate of the guy she is dating. It's clear that both men have a great deal more money than FreshFluff does, yet you write that she should pay for a meal, bring good wine and be willing to entertain her host, as if he was Hearst. If her date really expects all that, I suggest she find someone who is not an asshole. (My strong guess is that he does not expect it.)

 

You're correct; both of these men have a lot more money than I do.

 

I'd be very surprised if my date expects me to pay, given that he has never let me pay for a meal before. Whether he'd allow me to is a different question. However, he's already turned down my offer to buy a gift for the host costing about $150.

 

wow, I could learn a few things from PK and Uni.....well put!.....

 

I guess this desert dweller will never be as sophisticated as Nantucket society....

 

AZ, you seem far more sophisticated than most people I know. As for sophistication, I've lived in Boston/NY for a long time, and this would be my first time in Cape Cod.

[bigvalboy]

You make an important point, which I think BVB also made.

 

But I should have been clearer. I'm talking about two different men: (1) Guy I'm dating: He's is paying for the transportation and the lodging on the first night and (2) the Host: He's putting us up in his house for the latter two nights. We may go out to dinner with him on one night, but probably not both.

 

Your main point is correct: Each of these people is being very generous and together, they are effectively subsidizing my vacation.

 

Also, I'm pretty willing to talk about anything; solving problems is a different story. The host emailed me my guy asking, "Can Fluffy solve this calculus problem?" I solved it and emailed the answer to the guy I'm dating, who forwarded it on. The host then emailed me directly with a second (and then third) calculus problem and asked me to solve them. That's why I felt that I was being tested, and my intelligence evaluated. I was probably overly sensitive about that; the guy I'm dating said the host was just trying to be welcoming.

 

I don't know FF, this whole weekend thingy seems to be getting a bit complicated and dare I say, over thought. You just might require large quantities of alcohol to get through it. I would suggest skipping the Merlot and going straight for the 'Long Island Iced tea" or shots of Patron....that might be revealing the trailer park in me, since this is Nantucket after all, but you will have fun....(OK, I'm joking here of course) but I would just relax and roll with whatever the weekend throws at you....you're gonna be just fine, especially after you come out in that little 'one piece' that you plan on wearing. Why the boys won't know what to do with themselves.

[+ purplekow]

You make an important point, which I think BVB also made.

 

But I should have been clearer. I'm talking about two different men: (1) Guy I'm dating: He's is paying for the transportation and the lodging on the first night and (2) the Host: He's putting us up in his house for the latter two nights. We may go out to dinner with him on one night, but probably not both.

 

Your main point is correct: Each of these people is being very generous and together, they are effectively subsidizing my vacation.

 

Also, I'm pretty willing to talk about anything; solving problems is a different story. The host emailed me my guy asking, "Can Fluffy solve this calculus problem?" I solved it and emailed the answer to the guy I'm dating, who forwarded it on. The host then emailed me directly with a second (and then third) calculus problem and asked me to solve them. That's why I felt that I was being tested, and my intelligence evaluated. I was probably overly sensitive about that; the guy I'm dating said the host was just trying to be welcoming.

Are you sure you are not doing his high schooler's calculus homework?