New York State Living- Question- Revisited

[+ Gar1eth]

I talked about a job opportunity in New York State sometime ago. I found out more specifically where the job is going to be located- Middletown, NY. It looks like I might actually get an interview there. The city itself is small with a population of only 28,000. I've never lived in a city that small. The metropolitan statistical area has a population of around 622,000. But I'm guessing that population is spread over a large distance without any major concentration of people.

 

So I'm wondering what it might be like for me- as a single gay male - knowing no one in the area- not a lot of hobbies that require being with other people- what it would be like trying to meet people- either just as friends or something more. And I'll come clean here. I'm a nice guy. But many times I don't do very well at meeting new friends. My usual thought has been that it would be better to be in a larger area- bigger population- more things to do as opposed to being in a small city. Just thinking about it- the fact that Middletown is much smaller than any place I've ever lived before. The smallest place I've lived prior to this was a city of 150,000- and I thought that was way too small. Middletown does have as a saving grace that it's only 60 or so miles from NYC. So I'd be able to visit NYC fairly easily to tour around- but I doubt I'd be able to be in the city enough to make friends there- especially friends who would be willing to visit 60 miles away.

 

Gman

[+ purplekow]

Middletown is in a quiet area of New York. There is no large city in the immediate area but trains to New York are readily available. If you make a concerted effort to meet people, you can friend companions anywhere. I would take a long weekend in the area and see if there are life style activities that appeal to you.

[+ Gar1eth]

Middletown is in a quiet area of New York. There is no large city in the immediate area but trains to New York are readily available. If you make a concerted effort to meet people, you can friend companions anywhere. I would take a long weekend in the area and see if there are life style activities that appeal to you.

 

I appreciate that advice. Unfortunately, I'm not sure it's very helpful in my case. I like to read- which I can do just about anywhere. Aside from reading, I like going to see plays. Usually that means a place with active community theatres- although I do prefer semi-professional/professional to community theatre- but I like community theatre too. I like museums- natural history more than art. And NYC would have all of that in abundance. I'd also like a gay therapist- who knows if Middletown is large enough to have one. But I'm sure NYC is full of them.

 

I don't really have any sporting- outdoor hobbies. I should but I'm not really in shape enough to enjoy them- so outdoor stuff isn't really part of the equation- except I hate snow- which I know I will have to endure if I get the position.

 

But the size of the city really freaks me out. From past experience, it seems that my best chance of finding any friends if at all is in a city/metro area of population 500,000 or over. Middletown I hear is a bedroom community of New York. That implies to me mostly married couples - and me as a single guy being alone all the time.

 

Gman

[Samai139]

From what you have written, perhaps it would be more productive if you talked with your therapist about the concerns you have, should you get this position. Those of us here don't know enough about you to give more than superficial advice.

Best of luck in whatever you decide and let us know.

[+ Gar1eth]

From what you have written, perhaps it would be more productive if you talked with your therapist about the concerns you have, should you get this position. Those of us here don't know enough about you to give more than superficial advice.

Best of luck in whatever you decide and let us know.

 

The problem is I think I know the answer. For a guy with problems making friends living anywhere can be tough. A city with a population of under 30,000 is probably not the ideal place. But I may not be able to pass up the job opportunity.

 

Gman

[Guest boiworship08]

The Wikipedia description of the town isn't very promising.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Middletown,_Orange_County,_New_York

[+ Charlie]

The important point about finding friends is not how many people there are in the place, but who they are. You can learn about general demographics beforehand (they don't look too promising in Middletown), but you won't know until you are there whether you will encounter individuals with whom you can form friendships. If you go there assuming that you won't find anyone compatible, you probably won't.

 

There is also the question of how long you expect to be in the job, for life or for a year or two. If it's the latter, and the job is attractive enough, it may be worthwhile to put up with the situation until you can move on.

[JT Brooklyn]

The important point about finding friends is not how many people there are in the place, but who they are. You can learn about general demographics beforehand (they don't look too promising in Middletown), but you won't know until you are there whether you will encounter individuals with whom you can form friendships. If you go there assuming that you won't find anyone compatible, you probably won't.

 

There is also the question of how long you expect to be in the job, for life or for a year or two. If it's the latter, and the job is attractive enough, it may be worthwhile to put up with the situation until you can move on.

 

Totally Agree with Charlie...

[Guest countryboywny]

Gman,

Since you're inexperienced with small town living, I can sure understand your dilemma. You can pretty much bet that there won't be a lot of out gay people for two reasons, in smaller towns men tend to hide their sexuality because "everybody knows your name" which is the other reason that gays flee to larger cities. That being said, I know of people who live in big cities who are terribly lonely.

[N13]

The questions that comes to my mind are

1. How fulfilling and enjoyable will the job be for you? Is it your dream job?

2. Is the money too much to pass up?

 

60 miles can be 1,000 miles if you are not the kind of person that finds it easy to get up and GO! I know a lot of people, gay and straight, who don't make the trek into the city because it is too much effort.

 

From what I gather about you from your posts (which, by the way, I generally find interesting and somewhat in sync with my own thoughts on a given subject) you do need the physical proximity of those things you enjoy.

 

If you do make the move, how difficult would it be to reverse yourself?

 

Good luck whatever you decide!

[+ Cash4Trash]

Meetups in Middletown - nothing LGBT

http://www.meetup.com/find/?offset=0&psize=64&currentpage=1&allMeetups=true&categories=&keywords=&radius=5&userFreeform=Middletown%2C+New+York&mcId=&mcName=&gcResults=Middletown%2C+NY+10940%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANY%3AOrange%3AMiddletown%3A%3A10940%3A41.4459271%3A-74.4229341|Middletown+-+Pelham+Bay%2C+Bronx%2C+NY%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANY%3ABronx%3ABronx%3AMiddletown+-+Pelham+Bay%3A%3A40.8496714%3A-73.8330844|Middletown%2C+NJ%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANJ%3AMonmouth%3AMiddletown%3A%3A%3A40.396755%3A-74.0916184&sort=default

 

Check out Craig's List for Middletown and see what pops up.

[+ Gar1eth]

The questions that comes to my mind are

1. How fulfilling and enjoyable will the job be for you? Is it your dream job?

2. Is the money too much to pass up?

 

60 miles can be 1,000 miles if you are not the kind of person that finds it easy to get up and GO! I know a lot of people, gay and straight, who don't make the trek into the city because it is too much effort.

 

From what I gather about you from your posts (which, by the way, I generally find interesting and somewhat in sync with my own thoughts on a given subject) you do need the physical proximity of those things you enjoy.

 

If you do make the move, how difficult would it be to reverse yourself?

 

Good luck whatever you decide!

 

I'm from Texas originally- while I'd prefer things being nearer- 60 miles would not phase me much at all. I could readily see going for weekends to explore. But exploring by yourself gets old after awhile. And what are the chances of making friends in NYC when you live in what people caught up in the city life of NYC would most likely consider a foreign country?

 

Gman

[+ Gar1eth]

Meetups in Middletown - nothing LGBT

http://www.meetup.com/find/?offset=0&psize=64¤tpage=1&allMeetups=true&categories=&keywords=&radius=5&userFreeform=Middletown%2C+New+York&mcId=&mcName=&gcResults=Middletown%2C+NY+10940%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANY%3AOrange%3AMiddletown%3A%3A10940%3A41.4459271%3A-74.4229341|Middletown+-+Pelham+Bay%2C+Bronx%2C+NY%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANY%3ABronx%3ABronx%3AMiddletown+-+Pelham+Bay%3A%3A40.8496714%3A-73.8330844|Middletown%2C+NJ%2C+USA%3AUS%3ANJ%3AMonmouth%3AMiddletown%3A%3A%3A40.396755%3A-74.0916184&sort=default

 

Check out Craig's List for Middletown and see what pops up.

 

What should I be looking up on Craig's List?

 

M

[Njbaseballjock]

If you mentioned where you are living now, then I may have missed it. But, depending on your current location and yearly climate, relocating to the Hudson Valley in New York State may be an issue for you also since the Hudson Valley often receives significant snowfalls compared to NYC. I think the best advice has already been given. You might want to consider a brief trip to the area and spend a few days.

[+ Cash4Trash]

http://newyork.craigslist.org/search/grp?zoomToPosting=&query=Hudson+Valley&catAbb=act&srchType=A

 

Found these activities under Hudson Valley. Just enter nearby towns to see what's available. There will be gay activity, there always is.

Probably more under the radar but it's there.

[Diverdan]

I have seen/met/talked to a lot of people who are lonely in big cities, and you may be surprised that even in a smaller community you might find a good friend that shares a lot of your interests. I grew up in a small town and made many great friends that are still friends today. Most, but not all got married. I had the same experience in College, but even though it was relatively small, I made a lot of friends, who have been friends for life. Although I did not know it then, there were a number of gay guys on that campus with whom I was good friends, but didn't know they were gay until much later in life. You have gotten good advise... go there before you make a commitment to the job. Look around and spend a couple of days looking around, checking out the cultural life, take a train into NYC, explore as much as possible if you can. But, if it is a dream job, pays a lot of money, etc., you will have resources to go places, see things and meet the man of your dreams. I wish you nothing but the best, just don't write off the community because it is small. You may be very pleasantly surprised by what you find.

[+ purplekow]

The problem is I think I know the answer. For a guy with problems making friends living anywhere can be tough. A city with a population of under 30,000 is probably not the ideal place. But I may not be able to pass up the job opportunity.

 

Gman

In recalling your post, you come across as someone who is not in a great social place in your life. In fact, if I recall correctly, in some of your posts you sound miserable. If that is true, you need something new, this place has the potential to be something new. Moving is never easy but staying in a rut is never productive. As long as you have a potential exit strategy, i say consider taking the cash and trying something neew.

[+ Gar1eth]

Considering that it is the Northeast- what I actually do for a living is usually not reimbursed that well. I'm not saying that they are starvation wages. But the salaries are usually low- and it being the Northeast- the cost of living is high. The job has some good things going for it. But those things might be able to be found in another- cheaper part of the country. The only reason I am even considering it is due to the proximity to NYC otherwise there is no way in heck you would ever get me anywhere near rural NY state except maybe to visit. I was hoping that some people on here would tell me it was a hidden gay mecca. I can almost guarantee that from the impression I get from Wikipedia and the people that know something about the area who have responded here- that if I were to get offered the job- and I took it- I'd better start brushing up my skills in single person Solitaire. I have a hard enough time making friends in larger cities. I've never wanted to live in a small town. Now I don't even know if I want to accept the interview there. I can fake being enthused for 36 hours, but when I do that, the situation just depresses me and makes me feel like cr-p.

 

Gman

[Toulouse]

I think I could happily live anywhere in the U.S. for a couple of years. GMan, what if you accepted this new position (if offered) and gave yourself one or two years to try it out. You may discover a few great (possibly even LGBT) friends and you may love the job, boss, etc. Instead of thinking about all that would be wrong with living in rural NY, consider how much you could end up loving it if everything goes right. Even if you move there and don't like it after a year or two, at least you will have added to your professional resume' and could chalk it up to another adventurous life experience. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[+ Gar1eth]

I think I could happily live anywhere in the U.S. for a couple of years. GMan, what if you accepted this new position (if offered) and gave yourself one or two years to try it out. You may discover a few great (possibly even LGBT) friends and you may love the job, boss, etc. Instead of thinking about all that would be wrong with living in rural NY, consider how much you could end up loving it if everything goes right. Even if you move there and don't like it after a year or two, at least you will have added to your professional resume' and could chalk it up to another adventurous life experience. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

In my field stability is prized. I don't have it. It's hard enough getting a position now- much less with another short lasting job if I were to stay there only 2 or 3 years.

 

On the social front, I'm not getting any younger. Most people my age- unless my lack of experience is misleading me- have had a large majority of their friends for years at this point. At 52 it's not very easy making new friends- and for me it never was.

 

Tell you what folks- I appreciate everyone who took the time to answer. Let's please drop this thread now. The people who seem to know what the area might be like have pretty much confirmed all my fears. More discussion is not going to do anything but make me even more unhappy and uncertain about what to do. I realize that's not what anyone was trying to do. And again I appreciate the time and effort all of you took to post.

 

Gman