An Unusual Dilemma

[Guest Hijnx]

This is my first time posting a new thread, and I ask your indulgence. Really enjoy reading your thoughts, you guys, and thought I'd run this little dilemma by you. I've been a "regular" with this fellow for the past couple of years. He's obviously a great fellow, skilled in his art of manpleasure, and trustworthy, otherwise I wouldn't continue to see him. We have worked out this arrangement where I pay him x-amount of dollars at the beginning of each month, and we connect for a couple of overnights or weekends away each month, see each other socially for movies, dinners, ballgames or whatever. There is a good deal of respect each of us has for the other, and I like him and I believe he likes me. Here's the problem.

He has fallen in love for the first time with a cute young guy. This has been happening over the course of the winter, and he has been sharing the adventure with me as it has progressed, I've met his new boyfriend and I like him, too. Its actually kind of sweet. I have noticed that in the past two months, our sex together has definitely diminished in the intensity and passion, and some times, I feel guilty for messing around with him. (My own issue, I know.)

Last week, before I was going to pay him for the month of April, we were talking and I mentioned that I noticed we didn't seem to be clicking sexually as we had in the past. He looked surprised, laughed and then attacked me in the most delicous fuck we've had in months.

Yesterday, he came over for breakfast with me (we do this a couple times a week), and he started to cry. He said that he had definitely fallen in love with his new boyfriend, and that in truth, he didn't want to have sex with me anymore, or anyone else, for that matter, other than his boyfriend. He was apologetic, making sure that I understood it had nothing to do with me. To say the least, I was touched by the level of his emotions for his boyfriend, and moved by his concern for me.

He has never really worked a "legit" job before and is now faced with needing to find other work. I have my own business and it is not implausible that I could create a position for him, but I have a number of concerns regarding the intimacy that we've shared, being his employer, my other employees reactions should they ever discover the nature of our relationship. And the clincher, I get a boner every time he walks into the room and I know its going to take some time to get beyond thinking about sex with him.

Is this a potential recipe for disaster? Are there other pitfalls I should consider? I've often thought of "mentoring" a young guy, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure my motives are honorable and I couldn't keep my hands off him. Hate admitting that, but I know me.

He has asked me if I would consider the April fee that I paid him a loan that he will pay back as soon as he can. My first inclination was to just give him the money as a gift, but I responded that I had to think about it, which I think peeved him a bit. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of here, because we do have a two year history and I have been nothing short of thrilled by the arrangement. But I also don't want to be a fool. Any thoughts?

[woodlawn]

>He has never really worked a "legit" job before and is now

>faced with needing to find other work.

 

>I have my own business

>and it is not implausible that I could create a position for

>him, but I have a number of concerns regarding the intimacy

>that we've shared, being his employer, my other employees

>reactions should they ever discover the nature of our

>relationship. And the clincher, I get a boner every time he

>walks into the room and I know its going to take some time to

>get beyond thinking about sex with him.

 

>Is this a potential recipe for disaster?

 

Of course it is. For one thing, if you say he's never had a real job, how do you know he's capable of holding one? Does he actually know how to do anything? Can he get to work on time in the morning, every morning? Can he put up with all the boring crap that goes along with a regular job, day in and day out? Can he get along with the other employees even if (as if bound to be the case) there are some he doesn't like?

 

If it turns out he isn't capable of it, how are you going to feel about firing him, or in the alternative, about keeping him on while your other employees see that he gets to stay even though he isn't performing?

 

Apart from his ability to do the job, given the type of relationship you two have had it would be a miracle if it had no effect on your interaction in the workplace. And unless your other employees are all deaf and blind they're going to notice something. Do you believe in miracles? If not, don't do this.

 

>I'm not sure my

>motives are honorable and I couldn't keep my hands off him.

 

Which means you would be setting yourself up for a lawsuit.

 

>He has asked me if I would consider the April fee that I paid

>him a loan that he will pay back as soon as he can. My first

>inclination was to just give him the money as a gift, but I

>responded that I had to think about it, which I think peeved

>him a bit. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of here,

>because we do have a two year history and I have been nothing

>short of thrilled by the arrangement. But I also don't want

>to be a fool. Any thoughts?

 

If you don't want to be a fool, then don't be. Whenever people whom I pay for services of some kind have asked me, in effect, if I wouldn't mind a delay in receiving what I'm supposed to get or getting less than 100% of what I'm supposed to get, I feel like asking them if they wouldn't mind if I pay less than what I'm supposed to pay. In this situation, ask yourself if the escort would be willing to have sex with you and then wait for you to pay him "as soon as you can" instead of getting paid up front. If the answer is "No," then why should you be expected to give a different answer to such a request from him? Fair is fair.

[taylorky]

unless u own a McDonalds i'd say no..........taylorky@16:08-04/03/03

[Bilbo]

You sound like you have a relatively small business where everyone runs into everyone else all of the time. If not, is it possible that you could hire him for a position where you won't see him very often (like once or twice a week, or only at breakfast) and he actually answers to a manager? Then explain to the manager that although you are interested in this man's welfare, you are still counting on him (the manager) to treat him like he would any other employee, including the ability to fire him or suggest he transfers to a different department.

 

You also, of course, don't say what kind of business you are in. If you are in the arts, perhaps you would probably have an easier time getting the situation accepted by your other employees, so long as you don't pass any of them over in order to give him a nicer job/ bigger role than theirs. If you are a florist, you could maybe hire him as a part time delivery driver which would give him time to look for a better job.

 

Do you have any other gay employees in whom you confide?

 

Lacking any other details than you've already given, I'm afraid the practical solution would be to follow woodlawn's advice. But, then, there are only so many things that I know how to be practical about, and it seems to me that we are always too ready to label the thing we least would like to happen as being the most practical.

[Traveller]

>unless u own a McDonalds i'd say

>no..........taylorky@16:08-04/03/03

 

Very funny Skippy.

 

Later.

[Luv2play]

I think your escort friend has been upfront with you and, although you undoubtedly have emotional ties to him, I think it would be a mistake to hire him as an employee in your business (you had what sounds like a very nice relationship and arrangement with him that transcended the usual commercial aspects of the escort/client relationship). Despite not knowing the nature of your business, I do know the nature of employees and they will wonder how this guy got the job in the first place and, second, will wonder how he keeps it if he doesn't work out (which probably will be the case, given his lack of experience).

 

As for the fee for April, write it off. You've had a marvelous experience, leave on a high note, and know that you have given him a nice gift that should go some way in helping pay the rent while he looks for a new job. And since you have met and like his new boyfriend, take them out to dinner as a farewell celebration. It would be a classy thing to do.

[phage]

>Is this a potential recipe for disaster? Are there other

>pitfalls I should consider? I've often thought of "mentoring"

>a young guy, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure my

>motives are honorable and I couldn't keep my hands off him.

 

I think you know the answers. You’re just struggling with something you know you shouldn’t do, but want to do anyway. It’s a human foible, but not one that adults give in to. (I guess it’s worth a shot to see if someone can come up with a good reason to do something you know is a recipe for disaster.)

[Traveller]

>(I guess it’s worth a shot to see if someone can come up with a

>good reason to do something you know is a recipe for

>disaster.)

 

I didn't think I could come up with a reason until I read your post more carefully. Then it came to me:

 

Hijnx lives in a jurisdiction where it's permissible for an employer to put a bullet through the forehead of an employee who looks at them cross-eyed. This would be worth it.

 

That got me thinking; of course, if the escort is a latino who is over 6' and has more than 9" which is hard and cums every 15 min 24/7; he looks good in a mini skirt and a tube top; and he can knit pot holders for the support staff at Xmas, then it's really a no brainer.

 

You know phage, it really feels good to possibly be of help to someone.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Sorry for the dilemma you find yourself in...

 

> And the clincher, I get a boner every time he

>walks into the room and I know its going to take some time to

>get beyond thinking about sex with him.

 

You admit that you have a strong physical attraction to him. The tone of your post might also indicate some emotional attachment as well.

 

>Is this a potential recipe for disaster?

 

You know it is... on at least two levels, maybe more -- bad for business and bad for love life (or something close to it)

 

 

>He has asked me if I would consider the April fee that I paid

>him a loan that he will pay back as soon as he can. My first

>inclination was to just give him the money as a gift, but I

>responded that I had to think about it, which I think peeved

>him a bit. I don't think I'm being taken advantage of here,

 

maybe, maybe not... I don't doubt there are the best of intentions now but believe me things change even when you are confident that you know the other person. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

 

But I also don't want

>to be a fool.

 

Don't loan the money unless you are fully prepared to write it off right now. ANd if you do then definitely make it a loan not a gift. It will be better for his own state of mind -- he wont feel beholden to you which can, by itself, change the nature of a relationship. Also you are doing him no favor by absolving himself of responsibility to take care of himself. You always have the option later to forgive the loan if necessary.

 

Be a supportive friend, but leave it at that. Anything else might have negative implications down the road.

[Paul Revere]

I agree with the previous posters. Hiring him could cause all kinds of problems for both of you.

 

It sounds like you have (had) a great thing going with this guy. I think it would be best to let him go and have his relationship with the new BF. It sounds like you will probably stay friends and see each other socially anyway. So be supportive to his change in lifestyle, be supportive in his new relationship, but don't think that you need to support him financially.

 

You may help guide him to other suitable employment, but having him work for you sounds dangerous. I suppose if you have a valet, driver or bodyguard, he might fit in for one of those rolse, but as a regular employee in a regular business, it doesn't seem right.

 

I would let him keep the April fee, and call it a gift or going away present. It would be a good way to support him through the change. But, don't start supporting him, or giving him loans. Gifts given freely are fine, loans are always trouble.

[topcat]

Don't do it!

It truly would be disastrous....in whatever size of business you have....given your relationship, your feelings and his lack of previous work-discipline.

As to the April "fee", unless you expect a continuing relationship with him (ie for his love affair to fail), you will not get the money back....if you want to give him money, do so but don't expect anything in return

[phage]

> That got me thinking; of course, if the escort is a latino

>who is over 6'

 

In heels or flats?

[Traveller]

>In heels or flats?

 

You know me, being the alliterative dude that I am, I prefer to be pumped in pumps; and raising a top's center of gravity does wonders for thrusting manuevers. As always, you can count on me to set you straight.

 

Later.

 

PS. And I've got a new South American lined up that if he looks like the pics and is as nasty as he talks on the phone, should be a homer.

[Guest fukamarine]

>As for the fee for April, write it off. You've had a marvelous

>experience, leave on a high note, and know that you have given

>him a nice gift that should go some way in helping pay the

>rent while he looks for a new job. And since you have met and

>like his new boyfriend, take them out to dinner as a farewell

>celebration. It would be a classy thing to do.

 

I agree - and your response is very classy as well

 

fukamarine

[Will]

There's an old saying, "There but for the grace of God go I," and it applies in this case to me. At this point in my life, I don't think I'd face the dilemma (which is not at all unusual, by the way) you face; but not all that many years ago I would have. The difference between now and then means everything to me. And because it does, I'll offer a few "maybes", based on my own experience, in the hopes that it might help you to make a decision that does honor to yourself, first, before it does anything else. Remember: these are suggestions of what I might do, now, if I were in your shoes. There's a big difference between that and "advice." I'm not giving advice.

 

1. I might be inclined to give him the April fee as a good-bye gift, because I would definitely say good-bye to him. I would not want to have both a sexual and emotional attachment to someone who was not only unavailable, but who had made it clear that he had chosen someone other than me. The reason? It would be very destructive, over the long haul, of my self-worth, regardless of how "nice" I think I'd be to continue to see him.

 

2. My policy is never to hire someone I couldn't fire. That lets out relatives and boyfriends, past or present. It isn't only risky, it's unprofessional to hire someone to whom I am sexually attracted for the primary purpose of keeping him around. If you want to help him along professionally, then pay for him to go to one of those job counsellors who give tests as well as professional advice.

 

3. At this time in my life, after I had given him both the April fee as a sort of present and I had made it clear, however painfully to us both, that our association was over, I would do something extravagantly wonderful for myself. For me, it would be necessary for this treat to be out of town and in the company of other people.

 

4. As soon as I could manage it emotionally, I'd make a list of five escorts whom I'm curious to meet, and then I would meet each one of them once before repeating. It sounds to me as though you may be getting two things confused. A relationship with an escort is not binding in any way on either party. Beyond that, it can be anything at all, as long as both people are having fun, mutually agree on what's fun, and don't feel obligated emotionally or financially to the other.

 

5. Most important -- and this *is* advice -- be nice to yourself. It isn't your fault that you got yourself into this pickle, but that doesn't alter the fact that you are in a pickle indeed. Bouts of self-pity, guilt, or remorse will net you nothing at all. You seem, simply, to be a man, like thousands of other gay men, who never learned how to look after his needs for emotional and sexual nourishment. Whatever else he may offer, this escort is not -- repeat NOT -- going to nourish you emotionally or sexually. You need to face that fact, difficult as it may be; and once you face it, and accept it without rancor, you may find yourself feeling as light as a kite. I hope so. You deserve it.

[Guest newawlens]

My advice is this.

 

First, don't hire him. Since he's breaking the bargain he made with you by taking your money and then trying to get out of doing what he agreed to do for it, he surely isn't going to make a reliable employee.

 

Second, don't burn your bridges with him. The odds are high that his affair with the other guy won't last too long and when it's over he'll come looking for you to be his meal ticket again. All you have to do is wait.

[bluenix]

Hire him? No.

 

Let him keep the fee? Yes.

[+ nycman]

>He has never really worked a "legit" job before....

 

Red Flag #1

 

>I have my own business and it is not implausible that I could create a position for him.....

 

Implausible?...no

 

Stupid?...YES!

 

I doubt you built our business making stupid decisions. Why start now?

 

>Is this a potential recipe for disaster?

 

YES!

 

>Are there other pitfalls I should consider?

 

ummm…you mean like losing your entire corporation?

 

>I've often thought of "mentoring" a young guy, but if I'm honest with myself, I'm not sure my motives are honorable and I couldn't keep my hands off him.

 

As others have said...I could file that sexual harassment lawsuit in 10 words or less!

 

>Hate admitting that, but I know me.

 

So do we....you'll hire him despite our advice.

 

>He has asked me if I would consider the April fee that I paid him a loan that he will pay back...

 

Kiss the money goodbye...cause it's already gone...you just don't realize it yet.

 

Call it a “goodbye gift” if it makes you feel better.

 

>Any thoughts?

 

Please be sure to write us after this boy has taken over your corporation and you are the one selling your ass on the street for dinner money. Just don't expect tears. We've seen this movie.

[Sparky12]

Wouldn't it be better, in several ways, for you to mentor someone who has shown a geniune interest in your field of business?

[+ Cash4Trash]

I did hire someone in my company whom I met in the sex industry.

He was doing sensual bodyrubs when we first got together and our

sensual relationship was long over when I hired him. He's very bright and had other 9-5 work experience.

Still didn't work out. Other employees were suspicious of the new employee with a special relationship to the boss. Friends are "shocked, shocked" when you start telling them what to do and they expect you to let small things slide. Different rules for different employees is a no no.

Eventually, he hated the job and we enginered a graceful exit.

I did feel I owed the man. During the time he was my bodyrub guy

I tore a ligament in my leg and was on crutches. I live up 5 flights of stairs in a New York brownstone. He volunteered, once a week to

come over and do my shopping and get laundry, etc. so I wouldn't

have to worry about getting things up and down stairs. Went on for a couple months with no compensation involved.

We remain very close friends - I cook his birthday dinner on Monday.

The bottom line is you need a firm division between your professional life and private life. Help the guy in any way you want but it has to be outside your business.

[Guest Merlin]

I strongly disagree with making it a loan. What usually happens with this kind of loan between friends is this: he will have trouble paying it back. He will always be hard up and have more pressing uses for the money. He will feel guilty for not paying you back and when he sees you he will fear that you are expecting you to repay it, and may ask him for it. Eventually he will start to avoid you. Better to give him the April fee as a present and assure him that you will remain his friend. He probably will not do well financially and like all young guys will continue to be short of money. It is likely that after a short period of monogamy he will want to resume the arrangement perhaps with his boyfriends consent. A danger in hiring him at you business is that if you treat him as an employee by expecting him to be on the job and earn his pay, he will begin to see you less as a friend and may resent your requirements.

[Guest Hijnx]

Thank you, gentlemen, for your thoughts, advice and energy in your responses. I was not disappointed with anything written and somewhat reassured that each of your cyber-personalities are consistent if nothing else. I'm just now able to follow up with what has happened in a few short days.

First, I will admit that I am sad that this arrangement has reached its end. I have enjoyed not only the wonderous sensuality of this relationship, the easiness with which it has been a part of my life, and most importantly, what I consider a friendship. I know that, even though this has been a "business relationship," I am feeling a tad vulnerable and I'm glad that I have not made any moves to put some kind of balm on those feelings that I would regret later.

Secondly, I thank you for the stark glare of the mirror that many of you raised before my eyes. Nothing like a glass of cold water in the face when in the fog of disappointment and even a little grieving. But, I know you are probably correct. My business is successful because I used my brain and not my emotions.

I have already written off the April fee as a "wedding gift." And I do so without regret or anger. I've come to believe that I received a great deal beyond sex from this fellow. And I know that he has received a great deal beyond the money from me. So, its a wash in my thinking.

I suspect that this fellow will continue to be in my life in some way or another. But I have asked him for a break. A few months to move on, so to speak.

The harsh reality for me right now is realizing that no matter how much I believed that I was involved in a "business relationship" I did have some strong feelings for him. Was it love? I don't think so. But I was/am fond of him.

Will, your suggestion to give myself a big treat was great. I'm open to suggestions. Was thinking about a 5-man orgy on a secluded beach for the next month and a half. Any takers? I want to make sure I'm over this guy.

[Guest Tampa Yankee]

Merlin, your good arguments have converted me on this loan business.

[btmstudnyc]

beach

 

What Beach? You got one taker.

 

JIM