Matters of the Heart -- When is it time to let go?

[joe studfinder]

I know I’m not the first person who’s ever gone through this and I probably won’t be the last…I allowed myself to become too emotionally attached to an escort. I sit here writing this because I feel safe in this arena and perhaps others will relate. If nothing else, I can finally get it off my chest.

 

Let me begin by saying that I am new to this forum. I am 40y/o. I came out to my friends and family roughly 7 years ago, but I’ve been hiring escorts regularly for almost a decade now. Because I came out so late, I feel that I’ve wasted so much of my life and lost opportunities at real love. In reliving my youth, I’ve spent a lot of time at the dance clubs, strip bars and throwing a lot of my hard-earned money at hot, muscular, young men for pleasure. It was fun for a long time and I was on a real high but now I just long for a partner and a true relationship. This has made me emotionally vulnerable.

 

I first met this escort, who I will call “R”, for rentboy, nearly 3 years ago and I was instantly in lust! I was skeptical of his ad at first because he used pics that were, as many would say, “too good to be true”. I was pleasantly surprised that he was the actual guy in the ad. R is bisexual, though considers himself more straight. It would be about 9 months after our first encounter before I would see him again because he found himself a sugardaddy. I was disappointed but life went on, with the occasional thoughts of what could’ve been. When I came across his ad again, my heart literally lept! I was even happier when he remembered me and he was no longer kept. I began seeing him at least once every other month, then once a month, then just about every other week or more. He is in his early 20s, not widely known or reviewed here, but he does have his regulars. For almost all of last year, he was only seeing me and maybe a couple of other clients. We’ve become “friends” during this time but we are both clear about the relationship. I’ve gotten to know his real life – his real name, where he lives -- I've driven him home and even lent him my car. I’ve given him presents for his birthday and Xmas. For obvious reasons, I've never been introduced to his family but I have met his girlfriend and we've spoken from time to time. She’s also in the business and therefore, ok with it. I’ve spent many discounted hours and overnights with R…. So you all know where this is going…

 

Needless to say, I developed strong feelings for R. I wouldn’t call it “love”, more like “attachment”, but I know they will never be reciprocated and this is not a real relationship. Over the last few months, he’s developed a very strong addiction to pain killers. He’s spent some short time in rehab twice already. Each time he came out he seemed to be better. When he's clean, he's a wonderful companion, very sensitive and caring. He has opened up a lot to me about his own fears. When he’s abusing, he’s just a totally different person. He’s already lost a lot of his physique which attracted me to him in the first place. Regardless of that, I’m still head over heels for him. But now he’s become unreliable, untrustworthy and manipulative. He has disappointed and hurt my feelings before, but for the first time, he has actually betrayed me, which has finally opened my eyes to his disease. Part of me knows to stop seeing him because he will just use the money again for drugs and I don’t want to enable him anymore. Part of me wants to stick around because I care so much for him, I want to help him out. I know he’s not my responsibility. He does have family and a girlfriend that are trying to help him through this. It’s never been in my nature to abandon my friends but I can’t help him in a way that won’t jeopardize his family finding out about what he does. It hurts me to see him like this but I don’t want to be hurt by him anymore either.

 

I suppose I already know in my heart what I need to do – cut him loose. If he is a true friend, we will reconnect again if and when he finally gets rid of his demons. As I started off writing, this was more of a way for me to vent my feelings. I thank all those who took the time to read and would welcome any thoughts of encouragement or suggestions on how to cope. Take care…..

[kevininsa]

Wow! My heart goes out to you. I can certainly sympathize. Not because I fell for an escort, but because I fell for someone in an open committed relationship... and he was just in it for the "fun".

 

I would tell him you can't see him professionally anymore. You don't have to give a specific reason... tell him circumstances have changed for you. (They have.) But tell him you would like to stay in touch as friends... if he needs a shoulder to cry on or a confidant. And then try to let go. It may be a while before he contacts you again, if he even does. But you do need to protect your own heart.

 

And for the record, 40 is not too old to find love. But it's very difficult to find if you're not looking in the right places. And you may not even have to look. But you do have to be open to it.

 

Best of life,

Kevin

[leigh.bess.toad]

I think Kevinusa gave you some great advice. I don't think you can see him professionally anymore. But if he is a friend, be there for him. Don't enable him but give him that shoulder to cry on, the kick in the ass if he needs it, but more than anything else, the unconditional love someone who obviously is hurting needs.

 

And as Kevin said, I sure hope 40 isn't too old. I'm 55 and just came out a few months ago. You are no where remotely close to being too old to find true love -- that one guy you will want to be with forever. Be patient, be yourself and you never know when he will turn up. I don't know if I've found him, but even for an old man like me, I've started dating in hopes of finding my own knight in shining armor. And I bet if you look, you may find your knight too. Don't give up. Don't doubt he's out there. Be patient. He may not be there this week. Or this month. But keep looking and keep your heart and mind open to possibilities.

 

Best of luck to you.

[+ purplekow]

i found the love of my life at 40 and I was not looking for love when I did.

As for this young man, if you want to be his friend then you cannot be his client, because a friend is going to stand firm and not allow this guy to steamroller over him. A friend may supply a shoulder, a meal, a ride to a NA meeting but he is not supplying this guy with cash to score Oxycontin. A friend is going to tell this man the cold hard truth that he is killing himself. A friend is not going to be interested in excuses or idle promises. A friend is going to tell him that he is leaving unless the drugs do and then he will leave. As long as you supply a soft place to fall, your friend will not hit bottom and will not turn his life around.

I befriended an escort who developed a drug problem, crystal meth. and I did not heed my own advice. My friend was ostensibly straight and was engaged. He has been dead for 5 years now and while I have come to realize that the trajectory of my friend's life and his premature death were the result of bad decisions he made and from which he could not be dissuaded, I still give thought to my role in his life and death and I wish I had been tougher, emotionally more supportive and financially less so. RIP John.

[justaguy]

Joe, in sounds like you have a strong hold on reality despite your feelings. Not an easy thing at times. As PK said, as long as drugs are involved the situation is untenable. For your own good, as well as his, you need to distance yourself. Again, as PK says, you can support his fight against addiction but must be clear that as long as drugs are involved you can give no money. I hope it goes well for both of you.

[+ Gar1eth]

Oh this is so tough. I feel for you. The determining factor of all of this on your part is how strong can you be if you stay in the relationship. The only relationship I've ever had was with a straight married guy. It was a non- sexual relationship. It started as just giving him moral support but grew emotionally closer. The problem was he was really screwed up-- recovering alcoholic and if he was to be believed a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by his parents. I was much younger- closeted even more tightly than I am now. I provided a home for him when he was having fights with his wife. I was so needy for a relationship that I accepted him doing things I never would have tolerated in anyone else. His wife was pregnant and the two of them got into a fight and he hit her in the abdomen. I have no idea how hard or if she made more of it than it actually was. The problem was that I made excuses for it when I found out. I needed that relationship so much, that I somehow made peace with the fact that he had hit a pregnant woman in the abdomen. If I had been told this story, I would have wondered if the police would have needed to be involved. But I did nothing.

 

So with your feelings for him-- and the fact that he has already betrayed you once-- can you be strong and resist the tendency to make excuses for him? Can you practice 'tough love/friendship'? Knowing me even though I am now 17 years older than I was at the time-- I would probably still fail and make excuses for him.

 

Gman

[RockHard]

You can't love someone if you don't love yourself.

 

Without getting too personal, IMO, there is nothing worse than being emotionally involved with an addict. Over the course of my life, I've had to endure one too many (no pun intended). A direct result of my very painful experiences, I no longer let addicts in. The second I sense someone has a problem, the second I sniff an addict personality, I turn around and walk in the opposite direction.

 

I'm a firm believer, thanks to a few years in therapy, that love (or even intense like) does not need to be a soap opera. Almost every gay man I know continues to have excellent friendships with former lovers. IMO, life is too short to throw someone out simply because a certain defined intimacy has ended.

 

However, I don't feel the same way when it comes to addicts. At a certain point letting go is the only way to save yourself. Going to Anon meetings helped me tremendously. Understanding the disease and how it fucks up the brain has a way of putting all those emotional feelings into perspective.

 

There is no cure for addiction, at least not yet. An addict must want to live a clean life in order to overcome and survive his addiction. Nothing you say, do, or feel will make any difference.

 

I do have loved ones in my life who are in recovery. We take our relationships one day at a time. In meetings, you learn how to do this. The meetings taught me to learn how to love an addict without losing love for myself.

 

Good luck.

[instudiocity]

Rockhard - EXCELLENT POST

 

And one more thought... the guy on drugs is not the guy you love. He is just not the same person. He cannot possibly be the person you loved. The minute he started using, he admitted to himself that he didn't like the Sober Him. The guy you loved. So until he gets back to the Sober Him. You need to stay away. The loss of your friendship might be the awakening he needs, or just one more thing lost. But it's all up to him. Withdraw, get away, remove yourself from the situation.

[+ deej]

Good post, Rockhard.

 

There is no cure for addiction, at least not yet. An addict must want to live a clean life in order to overcome and survive his addiction. Nothing you say, do, or feel will make any difference.

 

And, in fact, anything you do "to help" may have the opposite effect. The best way to help is NOT to.

[JT Brooklyn]

Without getting too personal, IMO, there is nothing worse than being emotionally involved with an addict. Over the course of my life, I've had to endure one too many (no pun intended). A direct result of my very painful experiences, I no longer let addicts in. The second I sense someone has a problem, the second I sniff an addict personality, I turn around and walk in the opposite direction.

 

I'm a firm believer, thanks to a few years in therapy, that love (or even intense like) does not need to be a soap opera. Almost every gay man I know continues to have excellent friendships with former lovers. IMO, life is too short to throw someone out simply because a certain defined intimacy has ended.

 

However, I don't feel the same way when it comes to addicts. At a certain point letting go is the only way to save yourself. Going to Anon meetings helped me tremendously. Understanding the disease and how it fucks up the brain has a way of putting all those emotional feelings into perspective.

 

There is no cure for addiction, at least not yet. An addict must want to live a clean life in order to overcome and survive his addiction. Nothing you say, do, or feel will make any difference.

 

I do have loved ones in my life who are in recovery. We take our relationships one day at a time. In meetings, you learn how to do this. The meetings taught me to learn how to love an addict without losing love for myself.

 

Good luck.

 

Exactly what The Rock has said!

[Michael Wayne]

just be his friend and be there for him. The advice you have recieved is sound. There are Other escorts out there who would love to have you as a client.

[joe studfinder]

I must say I am choked up at all the wonderful responses. I just really needed to hear from others what I’ve known for some time now. EVERYONE in this thread has offered me great advice. Purplekow, your words resonate even more with me because of what happened to your friend and what I’ve been fearing for R. I do not want to see him end up dead and know that I contributed somehow. Despite what he’s become, I will always be thankful to him for filling a vast void in my life, no matter the nature of our relationship. For this I will never fully turn my back on him. I will stop providing him with the means to feed his addiction and trust that the love and support of his family and devoted girlfriend are enough to see him through this. He has so much potential and life ahead. I only hope he realizes this before it’s too late.

 

Once again, thank you ALL for your kindness and support. And Mikey9nola, I appreciate you reminding me that there are other escorts out there for me. It may take some time before I jump back into it. I’ve tried hiring others but I can’t keep myself from unfairly measuring them up against R. I’m going to try being happy with me for a while. Maybe then I can allow myself to look for true love…

[EZEtoGRU]

Rockhard - EXCELLENT POST

 

And one more thought... the guy on drugs is not the guy you love. He is just not the same person. He cannot possibly be the person you loved. The minute he started using, he admitted to himself that he didn't like the Sober Him. The guy you loved. So until he gets back to the Sober Him. You need to stay away. The loss of your friendship might be the awakening he needs, or just one more thing lost. But it's all up to him. Withdraw, get away, remove yourself from the situation.

 

+1. Best thing for you is to separate yourself from the situation entirely. His addiction problems are his, not yours. He chose to use, not you. Because you yourself are vulnerable and fragile, I think you need to put your needs above his and stay away. If he returns to make contact with you once he is clean in order to apologize for what he has put you through, then maybe you can salvage a friendship out of this down the line......once he is clean. However, the odds of that happening are slim I would say.

[instudiocity]

Interestingly enough, I had a friend go through this type of thing. When all the support was ripped out from under him, he went, hands and knees, crawling back to his family. They gave him a Zero Tolerance embrace and three years later (this past March) he graduated from college with honors.

 

Just comes down to learning - no one important accepts that foolishness.