Married guys cheating on their wives with gay escorts

[twinkboylover28]

I'm just wondering what the mind-set is of a married guy who secretly cheats on his wife with another male? Why did you get married in the first place? Why do you remain married instead of getting a divorce? Why do you betray your wife in the worst possible way? Why do you put your wife at risk for STD's and severe emotional pain? How would you like it if someone cheated on you? Also, I notice a lot of these gay dating sites now have an option for you to click on: single, divorced, or married. These sites are actively promoting cheating like it's no big deal. Am I wrong? Your thoughts?

 

And escorts, how do you feel about being with a married guy and cheating on his wife?

[+ bigjoey]

I am 64 and in my day, social pressures forced most gay men to marry. I have some friends my age who have now come out in recent years (after the kids have grown and left home).

 

For young gay men today, you have no idea what being gay was like in the 1950's or 1960's or even the 1970's. At the time of "Stonewall", it was illegal to serve a drink to a gay man in a bar which is why Stonewall was a "speakeasy" with the locked front door with a little door where you had to knock to gain entrance after they saw who you were. The gay bars were run or controlled by the Mafia as they were illegal. Outside of New York or San Fransico, there was no such thing as being "out". It was illegal to send a gay porn magazine through the mail. The pressures were huge to conform to the social norm. There is absolutely no understanding by the young of those days.

 

Now that may help explain the "why" to you. Personally, I never married (came close twice) because I did not want to hurt the women involved. It was not easy not to be married as everyone did things as a "couple" and I was always the odd man out; people's lives centered around their children and life cycle events. Before I had my first male sexual experience at age 46 (with a porn star from the Gaiety theater in NYC), I never thought I would "know" a man; after that experience, it was "Katie-bar-the-door").

 

As to why stay married, many of my friends do not want to hurt their wives and actually care for them after all these years and by telling them they are gay, it could destroy some of these women; other cases it involves their relationship with their children or perhaps their job. Yes, there is dishonesty involved (actually many straight men cheat on their wives with women: Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Terry Sanford, Ted Kennedy and his father and brothers, etc. The list is endless.) Maybe men are not designed to be with one partner.

 

Some of those men, if they post here need to answer.

[justaguy]

I don't have time to find the links, but I think I recall this topic being covered. Twinklover, try doing a search to see what you come up with. There should be some interesting answers for you.

[adriano46]

BigJoey - that was a thoughtful and beautifully expressed answer.

 

I too grew up in the '60's and '70's (born in the '50's if that helps) and the peer pressure was amazing. In grammar school, I thought I was a late bloomer as my friends would boast of stolen kisses and trysts with girls - and I had absolutely no inkling of an interest, but loved watching Tarzan and other B/W TV shows that showed males without shirts. Duh...

 

Went to an all-boys high school; enjoyed the education, and believe it or not, the comraderie, friendships, dances etc... Went to everything, dated, but again, kissing a girl, I felt nothing. Did begin to notice in the locker room certain hidden urges, but I was able to control them out of fright as the worst thing to be called in high school was "queer".

 

By then most men of my age group learned a sort of double standard (if they were gay), of how to play being a heterosexual on the surface (in college, on the social circuit, in jobs), and repress their true sexuality because in church, community and everywhere else it seemed "those urges are sinful".

 

BigJoey's last paragraphy for me is also excellent - it is easy to criticize a man who leads a double life, finally having the courage to admit to his true sexuality but not being "out" to his wife and family (or maybe secretly he and his wife have a quiet agreement for the sake of the family), but what of the thousands upon thousands of hetero married men who constantly cheat on their wives and not with just one partner? Our society seems to think more and more that THIS is the norm.

 

I know quite a few friends who, now, are more comfortable in their middle and late middle age (and older) with accepting being gay. These men almost universally are good husbands, companions for their wives (who are, in every sense, a soulmate and best friend, but just not a sexual partner anymore), they also love their children in ways that are envious: doting fathers, supportive, listening, wise, attending every event possible, there for their kids - something like the best models of TV Dads we have been exposed to, and more. They are in a crucible, a real struggle of whether to throw ALL this aside to start chasing guys on the beaches. They do not choose route that because they are so loving and so devoted to wife and family, and do not find it in their hearts to inflict any pain on them.

 

Rather than question their veracity, I applaud them for trying to find a discreet way of maintaining their own sexual sanity without upsetting the equilbrium they find in their home (and all that that entails with security, stability, a place where they find comfort and warmth, albeit minus under the sheets). I applaud these men - some of whom are my friends - because they do not simply define themselves by their sexuality, but by so much more, so much that is more valuable.

 

And, to be honest, are these men exposing their wives to STD's any more than the husband who is screwing around on his wife, and is more prone than the secretly gay guy to NOT use condoms??? If anything, we of that older generation are more prone to be covered because we also grew up during the height of the AIDS crisis.

[twinkboylover28]

So you guys are going to defend and rationalize cheating on your wife becasue the straight people do it too? Two wrongs don't make a right. I don't know about you, but when my boyfriend cheated/abandoend me for someone else, it was the end of my world. Having someone you love betray and lie to you behind your back is one of the worst pains I've ever endured. It almost rivaled the pain experienced with the passing of my father. And as far as STD's are concerned, all you have to do is research the CDC websites where it clearly indicates there is roughly ten times a higher prevalence of STD's per homosexuals vs straights. Ask any doctor. I guess I'm in the minority that still beleive cheating men are heartless, selfish pigs. And if you're one of those people who believe men aren't meant to be with just one partner, then don't get married. That's a cop out.

[adriano46]

twinkboylover, it may have helped if you wrote your second posting first to give the reader a better perspective on where you are coming with this question, which is not really a question but more a condemnation.

 

Caveat - I am not married, never have been; but I do know quite a few men who either were or still are and many who post here.

 

In a perfect world people would not cheat on others, neither in normal life nor in sexual life, but it happens. You obviously experienced this as you have just written. Many gay men experience this pain in one way or another, some with disasterous consequences. No one likes to be used and then abused, and in a culture that does not really celebrate stability and monogamy much, the odds are more people will experience some form of marital (whether straight or gay) abandonment at least once. I for one detest cheating (I am a counsellor and have had to deal with the aftermath all too often). But cheating is not just men - I deal with women who are just as nasty as their male counterparts; and I have had to deal with straight and gay. The patterns are all pretty much the same, and the pain of those who are left in the aftermath, just as horrible.

 

If this is compounded by an infection of STD's (and I underline, you did NOT say this, but you bring it up as a side effect of the cheating), then the pain is worse because you go through the rest of your life with this as part of you, a painful reminder of that encounter (or those encounters).

 

Sorry you had the experience of being abandoned - I am sure many here understand this. But, I would still be kinder to the general group you single out here of married men who embrace their gay repressed side in later years and turn to another for comfort, a male lover, escort, boyfriend or f***buddy whatever, as they too are juggling a lot of things at once and trying to stay on their feet.

 

If any one of us enters into a relationship (beyond a one-night tryst) with a married man or any man already in some kind of a relationship, we should KNOW THE RISKS from the get go, especially the greatest risk that he may turn around and return to his wife and family. As a counsellor, some years ago I was involved in a couple's life that turned downright nasty. I made a critically bad professional mistake in agreeing to counsel someone who was also a friend. I went through an emotional roller coaster for the next 2 years as he walked out on his 25+ years of marriage and family, and took up with a woman who also walked out on her husband and family. I was victimized by the spurned wife, who went after me professionally and personally. The husband of the "other woman" did the same.

 

Two years after all this, and with my own nudging (as he was exhausting me with phone calls and constant barrages for advice), he sought out another counsellor who managed to save the marriage (yeah), but in the process, destroyed our friendship and trust of some 20 plus years, and the now 2nd spurned woman took it all out on me a second time! I could not get a break. To this day, I cannot meet or socialize with this friend of mine for fear of his wife, children and their spouses.

 

twinboylover, one of the worst hurts is betrayal by those we love - and many here know this first hand. But worse will be the reaction of the vendetta as it eats away a your very being, your soul. No one is worth that sacrifice. And yes, the cheaters can be heartless, selfish pigs, but hopefully you are better than that, and you clearly are from the hurt this has caused to you.

[NYTomcat]

I have defended myself on these questions and the multitude of married men here a thousand times. Ultimately I even outed the history of my own rape once defending against such accusations from a prior poster. I won't feed twinkboylovers of the world anymore. I have learned that such men ... often so hurt by a cheating spouse or bf or whatever are incapable of grasping what this is like and why we choose to do it.

 

Now I have come out... my personal choice and not a sign of strength or weakness ...just a choice. I very much honor the men who can put family first and stay to protect their loved ones from what I am putting mine through. But I will say TBL try not to judge others less you be judged yourself. Im certain your life is just sparkling clean of moral ambiguity . Just like all of us here.... yeah right.

[Guest greatness]

It's unfortunate but cheating can happen in any marriage. I'm sorry that you had to experience such a devastating thing. Sometimes loving someone includes forgiving. Twinklover do not let what happen to you make you bitter. Instead please forgive him and open your heart to those deserted and devastated. All relationships go through hard times and people do things that harm each other and hurt others around them. There are many good and faithful people in this world if you open your heart.

[twinkboylover28]

Well I can say with absolute certainty that I've never cheated on anyone, and never will. I can also say (with pride) that I've never hurt anyone I was in love with, especially while proclaiming to be in a monogamous, committed relationship. If you want to cheat then dont get into a relationship or married. It's really that simple.

 

Sure we are all sinners, but I would never hurt anyone I claimed to love, especially if we were both in a committed, long-term relationship. And I cant even begin to imagine a straight woman having to contemplate her husband hiring gay escorts. That must be torture for her.

 

As for judging, you're correct. Leave that up to God. But that doesnt mean my eyes are closed.

[twinkboylover28]

It's unfortunate but cheating can happen in any marriage. I'm sorry that you had to experience such a devastating thing. Sometimes loving someone includes forgiving. Twinklover do not let what happen to you make you bitter. Instead please forgive him and open your heart to those deserted and devastated. All relationships go through hard times and people do things that harm each other and hurt others around them. There are many good and faithful people in this world if you open your heart.

 

Greatness...i love your signature quote.

[josephga]

I'll never understand it, never be able to grasp it so ill leave it at that

[NYTomcat]

I'll never understand it, never be able to grasp it so ill leave it at that

 

And joseph I hope you never find yourself in the situation to understand it. To most "cheaters" to use the term. Are tormented by it and I promise I would hope you don't. Its easy to see the spouse and how they are victimized its not so easy to see the other side. But if you read the multitude of stories here you get a glimpse. All I will say is after knowing most of the "cheaters" here that some so quickly condemn to God's wrath. ... well if God judges them unworthy. May I join them in hell rather than serve with the self righteous in heaven.

[josephga]

thats why i won't talk about it. those of us who have been cheated on can me very emotional about it. I had cancer at the time it happened to me making my feelings even worse.

[NYTomcat]

Btw tbl. My self righteous comment was not directed at you or any poster on this thread. Just a general statement. I understand your feelings. Just hope you can see that putting all "cheaters" into one category is like saying all gay men are (fill in the blank)

 

Of course joseph. Not all cheaters are angels either. And I certainly know your pain from it as well. Im just saying judging any classification of people is wrong. Its why we have justifiable homicide. People need to accept any label on any group is pointless.

[Diverdan]

There is a saying that fits here... "He who is without sin should cast the first stone".... is "cheating" any worse than any other sin? Whether a man or a woman, lusting after someone is just as bad as "cheating" in my mind. I have friends who are in all the categories, and I feel badly for you TBL for what you have experienced. I too have had some very difficult times in my life, but I thank God for the friends and family who supported me throughout those difficulties. I don't presume to judge anyone any more, either for their beliefs, actions or experiences. Life is difficult enough without becoming self-righteous about anyone else's behavior. I hope you can learn to forgive the person who harmed you, TBL, as that is the only way you will be able to move on with life, love someone else and grow from the experience. Castigating others for their beliefs or behavior, what ever that may be, will only prolong your issues and keep you from moving on.

[Rick Munroe]

Why do you betray your wife in the worst possible way?

 

It sounds like the best possible way to me!

[Rick Munroe]

(actually many straight men cheat on their wives with women: Bill Clinton, John Edwards, Terry Sanford, Ted Kennedy and his father and brothers, etc. The list is endless.)

 

Some of those men, if they post here need to answer.

 

Well, Kennedy and his father & brothers are dead, but yeah, I agree that Clinton, Edwards and Sanford need to post their answers here.

[twinkboylover28]

Btw tbl. My self righteous comment was not directed at you or any poster on this thread. Just a general statement. I understand your feelings. Just hope you can see that putting all "cheaters" into one category is like saying all gay men are (fill in the blank)

 

Of course joseph. Not all cheaters are angels either. And I certainly know your pain from it as well. Im just saying judging any classification of people is wrong. Its why we have justifiable homicide. People need to accept any label on any group is pointless.

 

Well in my own way I know how it feels to be in the minority where no one understands. I just dont like to see innocent people getting hurt through no fault of their own. Anyone would agree with that? Right? Good people dont deserve to be devastated or betrayed by someone they love.

[Rick Munroe]

They are in a crucible, a real struggle of whether to throw ALL this aside to start chasing guys on the beaches.

 

I agree there's a struggle and my heart goes out to them, but why do you assume that their alternative is "chasing guys on beaches"? They could fall in love with another man and want to have a family with him, just like when straight men get divorced and start second families with second wives. Being gay doesn't really just have to do with cruising for sex. And I think a lot of kids are way more forgiving these days when their dads/moms come out.

[Rick Munroe]

Two wrongs don't make a right.

 

Maybe not, but they can be a hell of a lot of fun.

[twinkboylover28]

There is a saying that fits here... "He who is without sin should cast the first stone".... is "cheating" any worse than any other sin? Whether a man or a woman, lusting after someone is just as bad as "cheating" in my mind. I have friends who are in all the categories, and I feel badly for you TBL for what you have experienced. I too have had some very difficult times in my life, but I thank God for the friends and family who supported me throughout those difficulties. I don't presume to judge anyone any more, either for their beliefs, actions or experiences. Life is difficult enough without becoming self-righteous about anyone else's behavior. I hope you can learn to forgive the person who harmed you, TBL, as that is the only way you will be able to move on with life, love someone else and grow from the experience. Castigating others for their beliefs or behavior, what ever that may be, will only prolong your issues and keep you from moving on.

 

With all due respect, that's a bunch of BS. Yes there most definitely is a difference in sin. Hiring escorts doesnt hurt anyone. HELLO!! Cheating on your significant other or wife can be DEVASTATING. Although my incident happened nearly 2 years ago, it will last a lifetime. But we were never married and this thread isnt about me. Lusting after someone is NOT just as bad as cheating. It's perfectly normal and human to lust after someone, whether or not you're married or in a relationship. Who are you kidding? Actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words. For example, killing someone is different than thinking of killing someone. It's not "self-righteous" to analyze or comment on someones behavior/actions such as cheating and to think it's wrong to hurt someone who loves you. What planet do you live on? If people think cheating is wrong, then somehow that makes them self righteous? Please! Nice try to lay the guilt trip on committed, monagamous, honest people. Are you saying no one should judge a cheater? Then you're not living in the real world. You're giving cheaters a free pass. I love it how cheaters, who like t ocall themselves "open minded", have this "gray area" where there is no right or wrong... it's everything goes! I've always came from the school of though and belief that IF YOU DON'T STAND FOR SOMETHING, THEN YOU STAND FOR NOTHING!! God bless America. Is tha tself righteous? If I think murder is wrong, is that self righteous? Im amazed how many people liberal-minded gays are jumping on the band wagon to defend cheaters. But then again, as mentioned, more than 50% of people cheat. But i will never be one of them. And I think telling someone who's been devastated by a cheater to "learn to forgive a cheater" is the EPITOME of being self righteous. Even my therapist said he doesnt beleive in forgiveness of cheaters. My shrink said forgiveness is the equivalent of accepting and condoning the behavior of the cheater. And my therapist has a PhD. I'm proud of who I am and the way I beleive. I dont just "love" someone else and "move on" from person to person like patato chips. Cheaters seem to "move on" so easily from one relationship to another. For me, and a lot of my friends I know, it takes years to cultivate and find that special person. And I love it how you attempt to shift the focuis on me "castigating and condemning" others behavior as an issue I have to deal with? HELLO! Cheaters are scum of the earth. I will believe that (like most fair minded people) until the day I die. I wish I had such a care-free attitude about life, cheating, and living i nthat gray-area where everything goes and there are no moral or ethical judgments in your world. You have a condescending tone to those who disagree with you and firmly beleive cheating is wrong.

[Epigonos]

Wouldn’t life be wonderful if there were easy answers to life’s difficult questions? It is, I’m afraid, far too easy for those of us who have never been in other people’s shoes to second guess them and to judge them. My first inclination is to state categorically that I would NEVER cheat on my spouse or partner. I would terminate the relationship first and then move on – sounds great right! Well I have never been in this type of situation which, in the end, makes my pontifications worthless. I am NOT operating under the same constraints as, for example, a man with a wife and children who at heart is gay. The real question that must be answered is what is best for everybody involved. Should the guy dump his wife (spouse) and walk away from his children? Should the guy deny himself real sexual gratification? Should the guy try to maintain his family and seek the sexual gratification he needs outside his marriage? ONLY the person involved can answer these questions. It behooves the rest of us to support that person as best we can and try to understand the constraints under which he is living. I, for one, will withhold judgment and add that there but for the grace of “god” go I.

[NYTomcat]

Well in my own way I know how it feels to be in the minority where no one understands. I just dont like to see innocent people getting hurt through no fault of their own. Anyone would agree with that? Right? Good people dont deserve to be devastated or betrayed by someone they love.

 

You assume alot. Every spouse is a good person.... every spouse is innocent.... every couple still has sex to risk STD. That the spouse doesn't know. That he or she isn't happy to allow the cheating to keep the relationship they value more. You are personalizing and therefore demonizing every married man who hires based on your experience as a victim. I don't know your sitch I will assume you dated a bastard who was out screwing around and filling your head with promises of faithful monogamy. That is sometimes the case ... but not always and to label every escort and married man the way you have is painting with a broad brush. Im sure you can find hundreds of stories here on the forum in fact I've written at least one in a similar thread and have read dozens where your suppositions are dead wrong.

[Rick Munroe]

Even my therapist said he doesnt beleive i nforgiveness of cheaters, because thats like accepting and condining the behavior of the cheater. And my shrink si a PHd.

 

It sounds to me like your shrink isn't helping you to put your anger and hurt behind you and get on with your life.

[NYTomcat]

With all due respect, that's a bunch of BS. Yes there most definitely is a difference in sin. Hiring escorts doesnt hurt anyone. Cheating on your significant other or wife can be DEVASTATING. Although my incident happened nearly 2 years ago, it will last a lifetime. But we were neevr married. Lusting afyter someone is not jus tas bad as cheating. It's perfectly normal and human. Actions speak a heck of a lot louder than words. Killing someone is different than thinking of killing someone. It's not self righteous to analyze and comment on someones behavior/actions. If ithink cheatig is wrong, that somehow makes me self righteous? Please! Atre yo usaying no one shuld judge a cheater? That's not the rea lworld. You're giving cheaters a free pass. I love it how people have this "gray area" where there is no right or wrong, it's everything goes! My beleif is if yo udont stand for something, the nyo ustand for nothing. Is tha tself righteous? If I think murder is wrong, is that self righteous? Im amzed how many people are jumping o nthe band wagon to defend cheaters. But hen again, as mentioned, more than 50% of people cheat. I think telling someone to learn to forgive a cheater i sself righteous. LOL Even my therapist said he doesnt beleive i nforgiveness of cheaters, because thats like accepting and condining the behavior of the cheater. And my shrink si a PHd. I dont just "love someone else" and "move on" fro mthe situation like patat ochips. Cheaters seem to "move on "from one relationshi pt t oanother s oeasily. It takes years t ofind th ruight person. And I love it how you shift the focuis on me "castigating and condemning" others as an issue I have t odeal with? HELLO! Cheaters are scum and I will beleive that (like most fair minded people) until the day I die. I wish iahd suc ha care-free attitude about life and cheating, and so easily condescned optjhers wh odisagree with you. Cheating is wrong.

 

Ok I take it back. Im sorry you are in so much pain. But that pain is making you the self righteous I will avoid. I am sorry for your experiences. My further attempts here will only fall on deaf ears. Good luck to you tbl.